I like the Kintsugi philosophy. Often there are deeper truths and concepts behind visually simple-looking philosophies... maybe that's where their beauty comes from.
As someone who has a bit of a tech background, I find the usage of words like "relational database" or "foreign key" a bit confusing and a bit too abstract and a bit too techie for real human problems... or in another way, somehow it doesn't resonate well with a beautiful Japanese philosophy...
But that's just me :-)
Thought for a while whether I should add my two cents here... as someone who values feedback fo the things that I carry into this world I finally opened the purse and got out the old rusty coin...
Thanks for taking the time to leave your feedback. People were a little lost and confused when I first published my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse but five years (and over 25,000 copies sold) later, my conceptualization of this form of invisible systemic abuse I named and described seems to be catching on. I'm exploring how to humanize these recovery concepts a bit more and will take this into consideration. My recovery pathway incorporates my 1998 theory, which uses database analogies to describe family systems processes. It is a clean, efficient way to understand the hidden and subtle realities of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA). As a Family Systems specialist with nearly 30 years experience working with both scapegoated individuals and the families that scapegoat them, I am aware of the reality that you cannot solve systemic, multi-generational trauma with "beautiful philosophies" alone. You need Data Structures. Because that is what a family system is: A "relational" database in human form. My challenge is to fuse the two together: The Kintsugi philosophy within a data-oriented framework. You can l learn more about the Mandeville Theory (1998) here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/about-rebecca-mandeville/
Totally agree Rebecca. Something that is almost wondrous to me is how we think in some similar ways 🤓 Kinda get a bit 'shook' whenever it happens - similar 'thought streams?' so I'm just a gonna go with the flow 😀
For me - at least - there's two ways in how I 'thought stream' & process information.
One is in the symbolical, analogical, almost mystical sense - poetic, beautiful, flowing 'energetic signatures of elemental similes' between nature, concepts and ourselves.
The other version is in a 'data driven way' - that is I can see strong Relational Patterns of principles and systems that completely correlate to we - as human 'operating systems - data bases and [literally and figuratively] operate as 'Code' in this fleshly/biological system. Plus how the whole Operating System functions as a whole.
So I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from and I've noticed, we even use similar language; even before I've read your latest post that echoes what I've been thinking and processing about!
Perhaps some people tend to think in one hemisphere or the other (in a lyrical connective pattern recognition way; or a more systematic data driven way?) predominately - and that it may take a while for those very two interpretational processing types to become a synthesis of the other?
Really only guessing here, and I have no where your training or expertise (rank amateur really) but I do spend a lot of time 'thinking, processing, intuiting and conceptualising' (which I utterly, utterly enjoy, it's better than telly (tv!) ☺️ and am reasonably ok at 'pattern recognition'. Seeing the parallels in people, places *and things* including 'tech stuff' data bases and systems. How they relate to us being the most wonderfully crafted 'System' out there!!
It seems you have the mind of a family systems theorist. I think you're going to have a lot of fun on my new platform once it's ready to receive guests!
Yes, thank you so very much for the education. The liberation from our abusers can take a long time. I found myself -- in review -- having hoped for too long that things would improve, that they would quit scapegoating me. After decades of "the same", I realized they would never stop scapegoating me. It had become "The Law". And it would be passed on to the next generation (niece). When I fully became aware that the scapegoating would never stop, I knew I had to let go of them, and terminate the nightmare permanently. I did so, finally.
My twin sister, who was one of the main scapegoaters, died on October 3, 2025 after becoming a scapegoat herself, to her own immediate family. She died miserably, not even having contact with her own daughter. No funeral was held for her. What she did to me for 71 years, caught up with her. "Karma" is real. Scapegoaters will become scapegoated themselves when they are most vulnerable. The practice of scapegoating always looks for new targets. After I was scapegoated out of the family, my twin sister found herself taking up the cross. She tried desperately to scapegoat me harder, but her immediate family had aleady assigned her the role of scapegoat. She tried to enforce sumbisssio to her establhed Scapgoat Rules, with no success. Now that she is dead, my younger sister in Berlin is next, and a few more, along with her. Meanwhile, I am safe and protected. Your education on this is GOLDEN. Big Hug.
This is the devastating nature of FSA. Yes, we literally are r/ejected out of the system - or we eject ourselves to save our sanity and our life. Not sure if you are aware of my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and additional resources I offer here on Substack or on my website - You can visit my Scapegoat Recovery website here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Thank you Rebecca. I will check your book on your web site. Your insight into FSA is phenomenal. I found an additional wording for "Done": Refuse Abuse. What you are doing for us FSA victims is absolutely wonderful.
Hi Rebecca-I’ve followed you since I ran away from my ex family of origin. I left 5.5 yrs ago after they tortured myself, my husband and grown adults kids continuously for years. It was full on cult behavior. I/we endured evil smear campaigns and I was disinherited after being a human slave to parents, sister & her family(shared summer home). Had I not had your life saving you tubes on dealing with being scapegoated, I don’t know how I would’ve healed. Thank you ever so much ❤️
I'm glad you found my Youtube channel and hope you have the resources you need following such a rough ride. Have you read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'? You also can find more information about my FSA work and research on my website, https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
You’re welcome! I have the outline for the entire course completed. I’ll start filming it soon. I’m excited to share it with you all. Feel free to spread the word about the waitlist.
I love that you are using Kintsugi as a metaphor for healing. This concept had become invaluable to my reintegration and reclamation process. Here is an excerpt from chapter 14 of my novel. The dream came about three years ago and forewarned me of the complexities of my condition.
Humpty Dumpty, sick and starving, his shell a ghastly shade of wrinkled gray, fell off the wall, shattering into hundreds of pieces.
The king’s men approached.
“What is that stink?”
“Disgusting! I’m not going near it.”
“It smells like a dead rat soaking in a vat of sulphur.”
Shuddering, with hands covering their noses, they fled the scene in horror.
One of the shattered pieces whimpered, “Don’t leave me like this. Help me.”
The elemental forces of nature responded to its invitation. A flurry of fire, followed by wind and water, whirled above Humpty Dumpty’s broken shell pieces. In its center, a radiant white light, barely perceptible at first, grew into a whirling vortex. It pulled the broken pieces of shell up off the ground and back into their original egg-shaped formation.
Humpty Dumpty regained consciousness and found himself seated once again atop the wall. His shattered pieces remained unsealed, the cracks visible with white light shining out through them. He had become a living example of the Japanese art form, kintsugi. In contrast, the individual pieces of shell, devoid of light, remained a sickly wrinkled gray. They seemed to house within them an impenetrable fortress of suffering and pain and exuded a morose, stagnant demeanor resistant to change or any form of self-awareness. Only the one solitary piece of shell that had surrendered and called out for help glowed opaque, emitting an energetic stream of luminous hope.
Etched onto its surface were the words, “Not my life, Your life.”
God had commandeered a single piece of her heart. Her insane upbringing and pernicious thought patterns controlled the rest. The message, not open for interpretation, made one thing crystal clear: From here on out, it was up to her to face and surrender each reluctant part, one by one.
Oh, this hits home, literally. I was so fascinated by the tale of Humpty Dumpt as a young girl (obsessed, really) that my babysitter made a stuffed Humpty Dumpty doll for me, which is in a box somewhere still in my garage. Given the work I do today, and my focus on what I call Kintsugi Healing, this was rather prescient!
I had to look up prescient! Ha, ha, ha... Feel free to attach my dream story to a picture of your doll if he pops back into your world. I bet he is as cute as a button.♡🖤♡
Hoping to go through the garage boxes this year - 60 years of “stuff” in there; it will not be an easy task to process and decide “keep” or “let go” but it needs to be done. Here’s to Humpty Dumpty - May he rise again!
This is deeply validating, thank you for writing it.
A "system disconnect" is it.
It is a last resort to save your sense of self in an extremely poisoned system.
Complex trauma is no joke. It requires a very, very safe environment to heal.
A narcissistic family is not a very safe environment - it is the opposite.
There is no wrong way to save your life - I love this, it is a truth I have had to come to terms with.
An emergency manourvre is exactly what it felt like for me.
It is a matter of life and death.
I got to the point where I was having migraines and wetting the bed in my twenties.
They had broken me.
My health was going downhill.
I had to get the hell out.
For me, I had to move to the other side of the world to create my safe enough container. I guard it like an absolute badass. No one is poisoning my new life.
This is a key feature of the FSA recovery platform I'm currently developing. Healing simply cannot begin when we are in unsafe environments and we know this from polyvagal Theory. One of my early recovery courses will focus almost exclusively on tending to the Vagus nerve. Most of us FSA survivors have complex trauma so we must tend to the physiological piece as well when we talk about healing and recovery. And my latest FSA study showed that FSA can also cause Autonomic Nervous System dysfunction / Dysautonomias.
As I sit in my bed and read this it clears up so much for me. I became a productive member of society after I read the book rejected, shamed and blamed, the Bible on scapegoating. I was able to calm my nervous system down enough to hold down a job. My relationships are much better for those who deserve it, but I have such a long way to go in so many areas and i feel I’m running out of time. Continued….
Joanna, you may want to join my new platform while I'm still building it because I'll still be offering new content focused on FSA recovery over there. If you think you're interested let me know, it is focused on what I call Second Stage FSA healing; the sales page explains what that means. I'll also get a dedicated post out to all my paid subscribers with the same invitation once everything is ready. I'll be building out my 12 online recovery courses throughout this year. It is not too late for any of us for total 'true self' restoration.
I had to go back and read it again because I lost the thought, I feel paralyzed sometimes. There’s so much i want to do and I think my nervous system is out of wack and all I can do is quiet myself laying down in my bed where I feel safe. Does anyone struggle with this.
The weather isn’t helping it’s below zero in NY. Today I forced myself to do cardio, this helps me so much. Thank you for answering me. I’ve had problems with the Vargas nerve triggering, it was right after that I was done, completely done.
I like the Kintsugi philosophy. Often there are deeper truths and concepts behind visually simple-looking philosophies... maybe that's where their beauty comes from.
As someone who has a bit of a tech background, I find the usage of words like "relational database" or "foreign key" a bit confusing and a bit too abstract and a bit too techie for real human problems... or in another way, somehow it doesn't resonate well with a beautiful Japanese philosophy...
But that's just me :-)
Thought for a while whether I should add my two cents here... as someone who values feedback fo the things that I carry into this world I finally opened the purse and got out the old rusty coin...
Thanks for taking the time to leave your feedback. People were a little lost and confused when I first published my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse but five years (and over 25,000 copies sold) later, my conceptualization of this form of invisible systemic abuse I named and described seems to be catching on. I'm exploring how to humanize these recovery concepts a bit more and will take this into consideration. My recovery pathway incorporates my 1998 theory, which uses database analogies to describe family systems processes. It is a clean, efficient way to understand the hidden and subtle realities of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA). As a Family Systems specialist with nearly 30 years experience working with both scapegoated individuals and the families that scapegoat them, I am aware of the reality that you cannot solve systemic, multi-generational trauma with "beautiful philosophies" alone. You need Data Structures. Because that is what a family system is: A "relational" database in human form. My challenge is to fuse the two together: The Kintsugi philosophy within a data-oriented framework. You can l learn more about the Mandeville Theory (1998) here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/about-rebecca-mandeville/
Totally agree Rebecca. Something that is almost wondrous to me is how we think in some similar ways 🤓 Kinda get a bit 'shook' whenever it happens - similar 'thought streams?' so I'm just a gonna go with the flow 😀
For me - at least - there's two ways in how I 'thought stream' & process information.
One is in the symbolical, analogical, almost mystical sense - poetic, beautiful, flowing 'energetic signatures of elemental similes' between nature, concepts and ourselves.
The other version is in a 'data driven way' - that is I can see strong Relational Patterns of principles and systems that completely correlate to we - as human 'operating systems - data bases and [literally and figuratively] operate as 'Code' in this fleshly/biological system. Plus how the whole Operating System functions as a whole.
So I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from and I've noticed, we even use similar language; even before I've read your latest post that echoes what I've been thinking and processing about!
Perhaps some people tend to think in one hemisphere or the other (in a lyrical connective pattern recognition way; or a more systematic data driven way?) predominately - and that it may take a while for those very two interpretational processing types to become a synthesis of the other?
Really only guessing here, and I have no where your training or expertise (rank amateur really) but I do spend a lot of time 'thinking, processing, intuiting and conceptualising' (which I utterly, utterly enjoy, it's better than telly (tv!) ☺️ and am reasonably ok at 'pattern recognition'. Seeing the parallels in people, places *and things* including 'tech stuff' data bases and systems. How they relate to us being the most wonderfully crafted 'System' out there!!
In short, I understand the concepts you convey.
It seems you have the mind of a family systems theorist. I think you're going to have a lot of fun on my new platform once it's ready to receive guests!
Yes, thank you so very much for the education. The liberation from our abusers can take a long time. I found myself -- in review -- having hoped for too long that things would improve, that they would quit scapegoating me. After decades of "the same", I realized they would never stop scapegoating me. It had become "The Law". And it would be passed on to the next generation (niece). When I fully became aware that the scapegoating would never stop, I knew I had to let go of them, and terminate the nightmare permanently. I did so, finally.
My twin sister, who was one of the main scapegoaters, died on October 3, 2025 after becoming a scapegoat herself, to her own immediate family. She died miserably, not even having contact with her own daughter. No funeral was held for her. What she did to me for 71 years, caught up with her. "Karma" is real. Scapegoaters will become scapegoated themselves when they are most vulnerable. The practice of scapegoating always looks for new targets. After I was scapegoated out of the family, my twin sister found herself taking up the cross. She tried desperately to scapegoat me harder, but her immediate family had aleady assigned her the role of scapegoat. She tried to enforce sumbisssio to her establhed Scapgoat Rules, with no success. Now that she is dead, my younger sister in Berlin is next, and a few more, along with her. Meanwhile, I am safe and protected. Your education on this is GOLDEN. Big Hug.
This is the devastating nature of FSA. Yes, we literally are r/ejected out of the system - or we eject ourselves to save our sanity and our life. Not sure if you are aware of my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and additional resources I offer here on Substack or on my website - You can visit my Scapegoat Recovery website here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Thank you Rebecca. I will check your book on your web site. Your insight into FSA is phenomenal. I found an additional wording for "Done": Refuse Abuse. What you are doing for us FSA victims is absolutely wonderful.
Most importantly, I gave it a name - and then eventually got my research into peer-reviewed health and medical journals. We no longer have to defend the reality of the type of systemic abuse we experienced and its effects. We can point to my various studies - More information here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/critical-research-findings-that-affirm-the-reality-of-family-scapegoating-abuse-fsa-survivors/
Hi Rebecca-I’ve followed you since I ran away from my ex family of origin. I left 5.5 yrs ago after they tortured myself, my husband and grown adults kids continuously for years. It was full on cult behavior. I/we endured evil smear campaigns and I was disinherited after being a human slave to parents, sister & her family(shared summer home). Had I not had your life saving you tubes on dealing with being scapegoated, I don’t know how I would’ve healed. Thank you ever so much ❤️
I'm glad you found my Youtube channel and hope you have the resources you need following such a rough ride. Have you read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'? You also can find more information about my FSA work and research on my website, https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
I have your book and love it! I’m also in wait list for master class. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I have the outline for the entire course completed. I’ll start filming it soon. I’m excited to share it with you all. Feel free to spread the word about the waitlist.
I love that you are using Kintsugi as a metaphor for healing. This concept had become invaluable to my reintegration and reclamation process. Here is an excerpt from chapter 14 of my novel. The dream came about three years ago and forewarned me of the complexities of my condition.
Humpty Dumpty, sick and starving, his shell a ghastly shade of wrinkled gray, fell off the wall, shattering into hundreds of pieces.
The king’s men approached.
“What is that stink?”
“Disgusting! I’m not going near it.”
“It smells like a dead rat soaking in a vat of sulphur.”
Shuddering, with hands covering their noses, they fled the scene in horror.
One of the shattered pieces whimpered, “Don’t leave me like this. Help me.”
The elemental forces of nature responded to its invitation. A flurry of fire, followed by wind and water, whirled above Humpty Dumpty’s broken shell pieces. In its center, a radiant white light, barely perceptible at first, grew into a whirling vortex. It pulled the broken pieces of shell up off the ground and back into their original egg-shaped formation.
Humpty Dumpty regained consciousness and found himself seated once again atop the wall. His shattered pieces remained unsealed, the cracks visible with white light shining out through them. He had become a living example of the Japanese art form, kintsugi. In contrast, the individual pieces of shell, devoid of light, remained a sickly wrinkled gray. They seemed to house within them an impenetrable fortress of suffering and pain and exuded a morose, stagnant demeanor resistant to change or any form of self-awareness. Only the one solitary piece of shell that had surrendered and called out for help glowed opaque, emitting an energetic stream of luminous hope.
Etched onto its surface were the words, “Not my life, Your life.”
God had commandeered a single piece of her heart. Her insane upbringing and pernicious thought patterns controlled the rest. The message, not open for interpretation, made one thing crystal clear: From here on out, it was up to her to face and surrender each reluctant part, one by one.
Oh, this hits home, literally. I was so fascinated by the tale of Humpty Dumpt as a young girl (obsessed, really) that my babysitter made a stuffed Humpty Dumpty doll for me, which is in a box somewhere still in my garage. Given the work I do today, and my focus on what I call Kintsugi Healing, this was rather prescient!
I had to look up prescient! Ha, ha, ha... Feel free to attach my dream story to a picture of your doll if he pops back into your world. I bet he is as cute as a button.♡🖤♡
Hoping to go through the garage boxes this year - 60 years of “stuff” in there; it will not be an easy task to process and decide “keep” or “let go” but it needs to be done. Here’s to Humpty Dumpty - May he rise again!
And that is quite a homecoming, indeed.
There’s a gravity to how ‘I’m done’ is framed here, not as reaction, but as necessity. The language carries weight.
Well said. ‘Necessity’ is exactly right.
This article is an epiphany. Thank u Rebecca. The words and concepts are spot on. I am breathing again.
Breathing is a good thing (!) Many of us FSA survivors hold our breath and don't even realize it. Often ties into the 'freeze' trauma response.
How crazy is it that freeze state shuts down breathing? Breathing…..like digestion….or heartbeat….is the parasympathetic nervous system.
It's all tied into the Vagus nerve. I call this 'Vagal Freeze'. It's technically a Dorsal Vagal Shutdown: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/dorsal-vagal-shutdown
Thank u Rebecca! I’ll check into it👌
This is deeply validating, thank you for writing it.
A "system disconnect" is it.
It is a last resort to save your sense of self in an extremely poisoned system.
Complex trauma is no joke. It requires a very, very safe environment to heal.
A narcissistic family is not a very safe environment - it is the opposite.
There is no wrong way to save your life - I love this, it is a truth I have had to come to terms with.
An emergency manourvre is exactly what it felt like for me.
It is a matter of life and death.
I got to the point where I was having migraines and wetting the bed in my twenties.
They had broken me.
My health was going downhill.
I had to get the hell out.
For me, I had to move to the other side of the world to create my safe enough container. I guard it like an absolute badass. No one is poisoning my new life.
This is a key feature of the FSA recovery platform I'm currently developing. Healing simply cannot begin when we are in unsafe environments and we know this from polyvagal Theory. One of my early recovery courses will focus almost exclusively on tending to the Vagus nerve. Most of us FSA survivors have complex trauma so we must tend to the physiological piece as well when we talk about healing and recovery. And my latest FSA study showed that FSA can also cause Autonomic Nervous System dysfunction / Dysautonomias.
As I sit in my bed and read this it clears up so much for me. I became a productive member of society after I read the book rejected, shamed and blamed, the Bible on scapegoating. I was able to calm my nervous system down enough to hold down a job. My relationships are much better for those who deserve it, but I have such a long way to go in so many areas and i feel I’m running out of time. Continued….
Joanna, you may want to join my new platform while I'm still building it because I'll still be offering new content focused on FSA recovery over there. If you think you're interested let me know, it is focused on what I call Second Stage FSA healing; the sales page explains what that means. I'll also get a dedicated post out to all my paid subscribers with the same invitation once everything is ready. I'll be building out my 12 online recovery courses throughout this year. It is not too late for any of us for total 'true self' restoration.
Of course I’m interested, absolutely
👍
I had to go back and read it again because I lost the thought, I feel paralyzed sometimes. There’s so much i want to do and I think my nervous system is out of wack and all I can do is quiet myself laying down in my bed where I feel safe. Does anyone struggle with this.
Joanna, this is likely the Vagal Dorsal Freeze and I will be addressing this in my FSA recovery program on my new platform's online course curriculum.
The weather isn’t helping it’s below zero in NY. Today I forced myself to do cardio, this helps me so much. Thank you for answering me. I’ve had problems with the Vargas nerve triggering, it was right after that I was done, completely done.
This is a free PDF on ANS, see if you relate. My last peer reviewed study indicated FSA causes ANS by way of complex trauma. https://www.chronicpainpartners.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Dysautonomia-Patient-Guide-2023-EDS-Awareness.org_.pdf