Challenging Misperceptions Regarding Empathy and Asserting Boundaries
"You're cold!", "You're selfish!"; "You're a narcissist!"; "You have no empathy!": The Empath’s double bind when setting appropriate boundaries
For many empaths, the world is an intricate tapestry of emotions and sensations, making them deeply attuned to the feelings of others. However, this sensitivity can lead to a painful paradox, especially for adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA). When empaths attempt to establish boundaries to protect their well-being, they may find themselves labeled as cold, selfish, or lacking in empathy. This article explores this double bind and offers insights for those navigating the complexities of their relationships as empaths.
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When Empath-Types Set Boundaries
Have you ever set a boundary with someone - a completely reasonable one - or expressed a preference, want, or need, and been accused of “not having any empathy" or of being “cold,” “selfish,” or “narcissistic”?
This has happened to me more times than I care to count, and it happens even more since I became a practicing therapist over two decades ago. Let me give you an example:
A few years ago I hired a licensed contractor (I’ll call him “Stan”) to have a fence rebuilt in my backyard. Stan seemed personable enough and we would chat a bit when he would first arrive in the morning. He eventually learned I was a trauma therapist during one of these conversations.
As the fence Stan was hired to build began to take shape, I found it to be unacceptable for multiple reasons: It wasn’t level; it had far more space on the bottom then we had agreed to (my dogs could have easily dug out as I live on an after dune, meaning my yard is pretty much all sand); and he had not extended the concrete supporting the posts above ground level, meaning the damp sand would have eventually rotted out the bottom portion of the posts (this had happened at another home I had owned so I was more than a little familiar with this issue).
When I politely but firmly pointed out to Stan these obvious defects and expressed my confusion and concern, he became visibly upset. He immediately began to gaslight me, saying that there was nothing wrong with the fence and nothing needed to be fixed or changed. When that didn’t work and I reiterated that I wasn’t happy with the fence and it needed to be fixed, he said I was being “unreasonable and nit-picky” - a classic DARVO move (‘Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender’) that I recognized immediately. When this second strategy failed, Stan proceeded to engage in manipulative deflecting behaviors by telling me about the “traumatic” things going on in his life (including problems with his girlfriend). When this didn’t work, he resorted to “shaming and blaming” me, saying that as a trauma therapist I should “be more understanding and give him a break.”
I was gobsmacked by all of this, to say the least, although perhaps I shouldn’t have been, given this is not the first time I have had such a reaction when asserting a boundary or expressing a legitimate concern or need. I also know that this type of unjust, undeserved reaction happens frequently to Empath-types (including several therapists I know) when they attempt to establish appropriate boundaries with others in their personal or professional life. It has happened to hundreds of FSA research respondents I’ve interviewed over the years who identify as an empath or HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) as well. And I bet it has happened to many of you reading this article.
Empaths and Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
An empath is an individual who possesses a heightened sensitivity to the emotions and energies of others, often feeling these emotions as if they were their own. This deep emotional awareness allows empaths to connect with people on a profound level, making them compassionate listeners and understanding friends.
Empathy also contributes to one’s ability to understand and share the feelings of another. For empaths, this gift is often heightened, allowing them to sense the emotions of those around them, sometimes even before words are spoken. This capacity can lead to profound connections and compassion, but it also leaves empaths vulnerable to emotional exhaustion and manipulation, particularly as related to ‘toxic’ family dynamics.
Empaths often have a strong intuitive sense, allowing them to pick up on unspoken cues and underlying tensions, which can be both a gift and a burden in their personal and social relationships. Research in the neurobiolgy of empathy has changed the perception of empathy from a soft skill to a neurobiologically based competency (The Science of Empathy, 2017). However, the empath’s ability to tune into the feelings of others can also leave them vulnerable to emotional overload, as they may struggle to distinguish their own feelings from those they absorb from their surroundings.
Empaths often find themselves at the heart of family dynamics, particularly within dysfunctional family systems, making them vulnerable targets of family scapegoating abuse (FSA). Their heightened sensitivity to others’ emotions can lead them to absorb and reflect the pain and turmoil of their family members, creating an environment where they are seen as the emotional barometer of the household and/or they are labeled “crazy” or “unstable” due to being the “symptom bearer” for the dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems they find themselves in.
Unfortunately, this innate ability to feel deeply can be exploited, with empaths being unfairly labeled as the source of family problems. As a result, they may become the ‘scapegoat’, enduring blame and criticism while their genuine empathy and compassion is overlooked, leaving them trapped in a cycle of emotional manipulation, abuse, and neglect. As a result, the family Empath may develop complex trauma and structural dissociation due to the traumatizing effects of FSA.
Empaths and Boundaries: An Impossible Double Bind
Establishing boundaries is essential for mental and emotional health, and this is especially true for empaths. Boundaries allow empaths to protect their energy and maintain a sense of self amidst the chaos of others’ emotions. However, in families where scapegoating is prevalent, boundaries can be perceived as rejection or a lack of caring. This can lead to a vicious cycle where the empath is seen as unfeeling or distant simply for rightfully prioritizing their own well-being, which is essential if we are going to be there for others.
Such dynamics create a double bind: When empaths assert themselves or withdraw to protect themselves from maltreatment and abuse, they face backlash. They may be accused of being cold, selfish, narcissistic, or lacking in empathy. These criticisms can feel particularly painful for those who identify strongly with their empathetic nature. As adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse, this reaction may also echo their childhood experiences, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and confusion about their identity.
Misconceptions About Empathy and Boundaries
Misconceptions about empathy and boundaries are pervasive in society, resulting in misunderstandings that can undermine emotional health, particularly for empaths.
Many people mistakenly believe that true empathy requires perpetual availability and self-sacrifice, equating caring with the absence of personal and professional limits. This flawed perspective can create an environment where empaths feel guilty for asserting their wants and needs, causing them to overlook the importance of self-nurturing and self-care.
Additionally, the notion that setting boundaries equates to being unkind or unsympathetic further complicates the dynamics for those who are naturally compassionate and empathetic.
By challenging misconceptions, we can foster a healthier understanding of empathy that embraces the necessity of boundaries for sustaining genuine connections and emotional well-being, as follows:
1. Boundaries Do Not Reflect a Lack of Empathy: Many believe that to be empathetic, one must be endlessly available to others and that they must never clearly say “no”. In reality, healthy empathy includes understanding one’s limits and making those limits clear to others (when necessary or appropriate), even if the other person doesn’t like it. Boundaries signify self-respect and a recognition that one cannot continually pour out nourishment to others from an empty cup.
2. Self-Care is Not Selfish: Adult survivors of family scapegoating who identify as empaths or HSPs often feel guilty for prioritizing their own needs. However, self-care is a critical aspect of maintaining empathy. By nurturing oneself consistently, empaths can cultivate a deeper, more sustainable capacity to care for others as well.
3. Asserting Boundaries Does Not Mean You Are Uncaring or Unkind : When empaths withdraw or assert boundaries, family members may misinterpret these actions as emotional coldness due to the family Empath having unconsciously taken on (or been ‘assigned’) the “caretaker” role within their dysfunctional family system. This misunderstanding will often stem from the entrenched dynamics of scapegoating, where the scapegoated child or adult child’s needs are typically invalidated. It is therefore important to remind oneself that you are not responsible for the reactions of others when you behave authentically by asserting your boundaries, preferences, wants, and needs.
Strategies for Navigating The Empath’s Double Bind
Navigating the empath's double bind—where the act of setting boundaries is often misinterpreted as a lack of empathy—can be a challenging journey, especially for those recovering from family scapegoating abuse.
To reclaim their emotional well-being and authenticity, empaths need practical strategies that empower them to assert their needs without compromising their compassionate nature. These strategies not only help empaths maintain their energy and allow for increased well-being but also foster clearer communication in their relationships.
By learning to balance their inherent sensitivity with the need for self-preservation and self-care, empaths can break free from the cycle of misunderstanding and build healthier connections with themselves and others via the following strategies:
1. Practice Self-Validation: Acknowledge your feelings and experiences. Remind yourself that your boundaries are valid and essential for your emotional health.
2. Communicate Clearly: When setting boundaries, it can help to communicate your needs with compassion for self and others (although I realize this is not always possible in more volatile or emotionally charged situations). For example, you might say, “I need some time to recharge so I can be more present when we talk.”
3. Seek Support: Connect with others who understand the complexities of being an empath. Support groups, therapy, or online communities can provide a safe space to share experiences and strategies. In my introductory book on FSA, I also include a chapter on overcoming the trauma-based ‘fawn’ response, which can assist FSA survivors in working through fears regarding setting boundaries.
4. Reframe Your Perspective: Invite yourself to challenge the narrative that equates empathy with being constantly available, ‘kind’, ‘understanding’, ‘empathic’, ‘compassionate’, and supportive. Recognize that healthy adult relationships require balance, equality, reciprocity, and mutual respect - including respecting each other’s boundaries.
5. Educate Others: Consider sharing information about empathy and boundaries with those whom you feel can safely receive this message. Help them understand that your need for space does not diminish your care and concern for them.
For empaths, especially those who have endured family scapegoating abuse, the journey to establish healthy boundaries is fraught with challenges. The misconceptions surrounding empathy can create a painful double bind, where asserting one’s needs leads to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding.
By recognizing the validity of their emotions and needs, adult survivors can reclaim their narrative and foster healthier relationships, both with themselves and others. Remember, setting boundaries is not an act of coldness, nor is it ‘narcissistic’, self-centered, or selfish; rather, the ability to set boundaries is a powerful affirmation of self-worth and a necessary step toward healing for adult survivors of family abuse.
Ever known someone who called themselves an ‘Empath’ but chronically violates people’s boundaries or behaves abusively toward others - all while making themselves out to be ‘the victim’? I’ll be releasing an article on this related phenomenon later this year - Stay tuned!
Learn about setting boundaries from a Buddhist-practitioner’s perspective in this article from Dharma Wisdom, Setting Personal Boundaries.
Lovely to meet you here, Hannah, just followed you. I will look into the work of Hurley, had not known of her! Yes, these great truths are often paradoxical in nature. Look forward to reading your offerings here on Substack.
I'm so appreciative of these articles which allow us to continue to learn and develop ourselves. Thanks to Rebecca's work, which I consider to be groundbreaking, it has allowed me to heal far more deeply than previously possible. I'm nearly 60 now and am glad these resources are available to the younger survivors, so they won't have to stuggle as long as we did.