How Trauma Bonding Impacts Adult Survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
Includes Self-Test to help you assess how Trauma Bonding with an abusive family member may be interfering with your recovery efforts today
Family scapegoating abuse (FSA) leaves profound effects on its survivors, and is often intertwined with trauma bonding—a complex emotional connection between the victim and the abuser. This article - which includes a detailed Case Study from my practice as well as a Trauma Bonding Self-Quiz - highlights how trauma bonding first develops, and how it may impact the recovery process for adult survivors of FSA.
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Introduction
Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) is a deeply damaging form of familial abuse where one family member is unjustly blamed and mistreated for the family's problems and dysfunction. This type of abuse can leave long-lasting scars on child victims and adult survivors, affecting their overall health and relationships well into adulthood.
As a licensed Clinician (LMFT) and Certified Complex Trauma Treatment Professional (CCTP), and as an adult survivor of family scapegoating abuse myself, I’m acutely aware that a crucial factor that must be assessed - and addressed - in the recovery process for adult survivors of FSA is the presence of trauma bonding.
This is particularly the case when the scapegoating of a child victim or adult child is conscious and intentional on an abusive family member’s part (versus unconscious due to pathological family projection processes, as explained in my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
Trauma Bonding Awareness and Healing Worksheet for Paid Subscribers of the Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) Education Substack
Trauma Bonding Explained
Trauma bonding refers to the complex attachments that can form between individuals who are involved in abusive or highly dysfunctional relationships. It is a psycho-emotional phenomenon whereby a victim of abuse develops a strong emotional attachment to their abuser due to a cycle of intermittent reinforcement, i.e., periods of abuse interspersed with moments of affection or kindness.
Understanding how trauma bonding influences the recovery of some FSA adult survivors is essential to effectively ensure their long-term healing and recovery.
When the victim is a child and the abuser is a parent, trauma bonding dynamics are further complicated by the fact that children are entirely dependent on their caregivers for survival; thus, the acutely painful realities associated with the abuse may be repressed, and this unconscious (repressed) material is likely to interfere with their ability to recognize and defend themselves from further abuse as adults, both within and outside their original family system.
Trauma bonding occurring between an abusive parent and a child victim can also result in the child feeling a deep, confusing sense of loyalty to the person who is the source of not only their suffering - but also of their survival.
This bond is further reinforced by the abuser's (conscious and intentional) manipulation of the child and the child’s dependency on them for emotional and physical support and validation.
Trauma Bonding and Adult Survivor Healing
For adult survivors of any type of family abuse, trauma bonding can significantly impact their relationships and their recovery process. The patterns learned from abusive family dynamics—such as over-dependence, difficulty trusting others, and unhealthy relationship roles—can resurface in their interactions with friends, romantic partners, and colleagues.
More specifically: The effects of trauma bonding can lead to difficulties in their ability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others within and outside their family, making it challenging for them to assert their needs and protect their well-being - even when they are aware that they need to and should.
Adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse may also feel a profound sense of guilt, shame, and conflicted loyalty in relation to abusive people or systems (such as a toxic work environment) due to the unconscious effects of trauma bonding, making it difficult for them to address unacceptable behavior from others. These complex emotions often result in their hesitating to seek help or to make necessary changes to protect themselves from continued harm, further impeding their growth and healing.
Breaking free from patterns rooted in trauma bonding dynamics will typically require conscious and concerted effort and therapeutic intervention as survivors learn to recognize inappropriate or abusive behaviors in others while developing a more accurate understanding of their own needs, limits, and boundaries. Addressing trauma bonding is thus crucial for effective healing and achieving a healthier, more balanced life.
Trauma Bonding’s Impact on FSA Recovery
I found when I addressed why trauma bonding seemed to be the way friendships developed for me with other women, I had to look at how am I contributing to the interaction and I realized that is how I learned connection from my mother and the women in her family.
- FSA Education Substack Community Member
Before I share a case study from my FSA Recovery Coaching practice, let’s take a quick look at how trauma bonding may affect adult survivors who are not yet aware that they have been impacted by this particular dynamic:
1. Difficulty Establishing Healthy Boundaries
One of the major challenges faced by adult survivors of FSA who have experienced trauma bonding is establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with others. Trauma bonding can blur the lines between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, making it difficult for survivors to assert themselves and protect their own well-being. They may struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, and/or confusion when they even think about setting a boundary, fearing that doing so will lead to abandonment or further abuse.
2. Conflicted Feelings of Loyalty and Guilt
FSA adult survivors often grapple with conflicted feelings of loyalty toward their current abuser. Despite recognizing the abuse, they may feel a deep sense of obligation or guilt about severing ties or confronting the abuser due to trauma bonding experienced in their past. This can impede their ability to distance themselves from the toxic relationship and fully engage in a necessary healing and recovery process.
3. Challenges in Trust and Relationship Building
Trauma bonding can severely impact a survivor's ability to trust others and build healthy relationships. Being scapegoated and abused by a parent (or other family members) as a child is a devastating act of betrayal, which is traumatic in and of itself. This cannot help but lead to difficulties in the FSA survivor’s ability to form trusting and reciprocal relationships. This mistrust can extend beyond familial relationships, affecting friendships, romantic relationships, and professional interactions.
4. Complicated Grief and the FSA Healing Process
The process of grieving and healing from FSA can be complicated by the trauma bond. Survivors may experience simultaneous conflicting emotions about the abuser, such as love hatred, and anger, which can interfere with one’s overall recovery process. This complexity can delay or hinder the ability to process their experience of abuse and trauma fully, inhibiting the progression of their FSA recovery.
5. Repetition of Dysfunctional Patterns
Trauma bonding involves learned behaviors and coping mechanisms that can persist into adulthood. Survivors might unconsciously re-create dysfunctional or abusive family-of-origin patterns in their current relationships or find themselves drawn to similarly abusive people or situations (“We go to what we know”). Breaking these patterns requires a conscious effort to recognize and alter these ingrained behaviors.
Case Study: Ellen’s Journey
Background:
Ellen, now in her early 50s, grew up in a family where both she and her only sibling (a younger brother) were frequently held responsible for the family’s issues. Her parents, particularly her mother, blamed the family’s dysfunction on Ellen and her brother, invariably shifting responsibility and accountability away from themselves - a dynamic associated with family scapegoating abuse.
Ellen (who identifies as both an Empath and Highly Sensitive Person / HSP) was frequently caught in the crossfire when her brother was being unfairly treated, being forced by her parents to choose sides or act as an intermediary, which caused her to feel a great deal of confusion, anger, shame, and guilt at the time.
Trauma Bonding and Its Effect on Ellen
In our first session, Ellen shared that both sides of her family had a long history of trauma. In regard to her parents: Ellen’s mother was sexually abused by an Uncle as a child and she had never sought help for this as an adult. Her father grew up in an alcoholic family system and he coped by being passive and “going along to get along” - he therefore deferred to Ellen’s mother as a means of avoiding conflict.
Throughout her childhood, Ellen developed a strong trauma bond with her mother, who alternated between being overly controlling, emotionally neglectful, and excessively affectionate / dependent. Despite recognizing the harmful dynamics as she grew older, Ellen struggled to set boundaries with her mother, including as an adult.
For example, when her mother would call her for daily updates or to seek emotional support, Ellen found it hard to set limits on her mother’s inappropriate, ‘needy’ behaviors, fearing it would lead to conflict, angry “shaming and blaming” outbursts on her mother’s part, or emotional abandonment. This difficulty in establishing boundaries extended into her adult relationships, where she often found herself over-committed or unable to assert her needs and limitations.
Ellen’s trauma bond with her mother was marked by a deep sense of guilt and loyalty to her family in general. Even after moving out and starting her own life, she felt compelled to stay inordinately involved with her family-of-origin (e.g., she continued to feel very protective of her brother and acted as intermediary at times when her mother was unhappy with him). She felt torn between her desire to distance herself and her loyalty to her mother, who became increasingly emotionally dependent on Ellen as she aged.
This internal conflict interfered with Ellen’s ability to prioritize her own well-being over family obligations. It also led to significant emotional distress, as she felt trapped between wanting to escape her toxic family environment and feeling obligated to maintain familial ties and “be there” for her mother (as well as her brother, who her parents continued to scapegoat).
Ellen’s experiences with trauma bonding also affected her ability to trust others. In her romantic relationships, she often attracted partners who were either overly demanding or emotionally unavailable, mirroring the dysfunctional patterns she grew up with. Her difficulty in trusting others and setting healthy boundaries led to frequent conflicts and a sense of dissatisfaction in her both her personal and professional relationships. She struggled to establish equal, reciprocal connections, and over time became aware that she was repeatedly taking on the same role she had with her mother: Empathic emotional support system and ‘caretaker’.
For example, Ellen noticed a tendency to take on excessive responsibility in her work environment, similar to how she had been expected to mediate family conflicts. This pattern of overextending herself and struggling with work-life balance mirrored the dynamics she experienced growing up, making it difficult for her to break free from these ingrained behaviors.
Ellen’s recovery from being the ‘parentified’ (but also at times scapegoated) child was clearly complicated by the trauma bond with her mother. Despite recognizing the need to heal and move on (which is what originally led her to seek out my services), she continued to experience conflicting emotions of love, guilt, and anger in relation to her mother. This made it challenging for Ellen to fully process her feelings and embrace her healing journey in full. She instead found herself oscillating between attempting to emotionally appease her mother while also setting necessary boundaries, which often led to setbacks in her recovery progress.
Ellen’s Healing Process (Strategies for Recovery)
1. Therapeutic Support: Ellen eventually realized she needed to work with a trauma-informed therapist who specialized in abusive family dynamics, which ultimately led her to me. Through therapy (which included her completing a Family Genogram to better understand how unrecognized, unaddressed intergenerational trauma had impacted her family-of-origin and contributed to scapegoating dynamics), she explored the origins of her trauma bond, learned about healthy boundary-setting, and developed strategies to address her conflicting feelings of guilt, ‘toxic’ shame, and misplaced loyalty to her mother. Trauma-informed, somatic-based techniques combined with ‘parts’ work (Internal Family Systems / IFS) helped Ellen to process her past while re-framing perceptions of her family relationships.
2. Developing Healthy Boundaries: Ellen worked on establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with her family, particularly with her mother. She learned to assert her needs, practice self-care, and prioritize her own well-being without feeling guilty. This process involved setting clear limits on communication and interactions with her mother, which was challenging but necessary for her emotional health. This allowed Ellen to continue having ‘light contact’ with her mother, even as her mother became more infirm and emotionally needy as she aged (something Ellen wanted, although she did for a time during our work together consider ending contact).
3. Building a Support Network: To counteract the effects of trauma bonding, Ellen focused on building a support network outside her family. She sought out supportive friends, joined a therapy group for survivors of familial abuse, and engaged in community activities that fostered positive connections. This network provided Ellen with validation, encouragement, and a sense of belonging, helping her rebuild her self-esteem and trust in others.
4. Self-Compassion and Mindfulness: Ellen practiced self-compassion and trauma-informed mindfulness techniques to help her manage the emotional complexity of her experiences. Mindfulness techniques helped her stay grounded in the present moment and navigate difficult emotions without being overwhelmed. Self-compassion practices allowed her to forgive herself for past choices and embrace her healing journey with kindness and patience. (You may want to check out this Mindful Self-Compassion workbook that I use with clients in my practice.)
Trauma Bonding Self-Test
Ellen’s case study illustrates how trauma bonding can significantly affect the recovery process for adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse and emphasizes why, for some adult survivors, addressing trauma bonding is crucial for facilitating deep recovery and fostering a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Below is a short self-test I designed to help individuals assess whether they might be affected by trauma bonding with abusive family members. This test is not a diagnostic tool but can serve as a starting point for self-reflection or discussion with a mental health professional and/or in a support group you may be involved with.
Self-Test for Trauma Bonding with Abusive Family Members
Instructions:
For each statement below, rate how true it feels for you on a scale from 1 (Not at all true) to 5 (Very true).
1. I often feel a strong sense of loyalty or obligation to family members who have been abusive towards me.
- 1 2 3 4 5
2. Even though I recognize their abusive behavior, I find it difficult to distance myself from, or set boundaries with, family members who mistreat me.
- 1 2 3 4 5
3. I frequently excuse or minimize the abusive behavior of family members, believing that they are acting out of love or that it is somehow my fault.
- 1 2 3 4 5
4. I have a hard time trusting or forming close relationships outside of my family because I feel that the abusive dynamics have shaped how I interact with others.
- 1 2 3 4 5
5. I experience feelings of guilt, confusion, shame, or fear about not being available or supportive to family members, even when their actions hurt me.
- 1 2 3 4 5
6. I often feel confused about whether my family members genuinely care about me or if their actions are manipulative or self-serving.
- 1 2 3 4 5
7. Despite being hurt by them, I find myself frequently seeking validation or approval from these family members and tend to ‘fawn/submit’ when interacting with them.
- 1 2 3 4 5
8. I feel emotionally responsible for the well-being of family members, even when it comes at the cost of my own mental health.
- 1 2 3 4 5
9. I have difficulty imagining life or a future without abusive family members, even though I know their presence causes me grave harm and distress.
- 1 2 3 4 5
10. I often second-guess my feelings and perceptions about abuse I experience with family members or other people in my life, and often wonder if cI might be overreacting or misunderstanding the situation.
- 1 2 3 4 5
Scoring:
- 10-20: Low likelihood of trauma bonding. You may not be experiencing strong trauma bonds with your family members, though other aspects of your situation may still be worth exploring.
- 21-35: Moderate likelihood of trauma bonding. You might have some degree of trauma bonding and could benefit from further exploration and support.
- 36-50: High likelihood of trauma bonding. You are likely experiencing significant trauma bonding, and it may be helpful to seek professional support to address these dynamics.
Copyright 2024 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
If you find that your responses suggest a high likelihood of trauma bonding, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamics for guidance and support.