The Healing Power of Anger Arising From Scapegoating Injustices
The Healing Power of Anger Arising From Scapegoating Injustices
How accessing 'righteous rage' can be a guiding force in healing from Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
I’m including two of my YouTube videos at the end of this article which address scapegoating injustice and repressed anger, respectively, which you may want to also check out.
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Scapegoating Injustice and the Anger Response
In the two decades I’ve been serving adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) in my private practice, I’ve heard story after story reflecting the grave injustices experienced by those affected by scapegoating dynamics within their family-of-origin.
Such injustices may range from having a rightful inheritance withheld from them by siblings after a parent’s death; being blamed by one or more family members for their child’s (or adult child’s) death (including by accidental drug overdose or suicide); being accused of stealing family heirlooms by siblings while standing over a parent’s grave at a funeral; having their children turned against them by their scapegoating parents; being called a liar or mentally or emotionally ill when exposing a ‘family secret’, such as having been molested by a sibling or parent as a child - the list (unfortunately) goes on and on.
Many times my clients will relay these stories to me while crying and exhibiting great anguish and confusion, but not all clients who have experienced what I call ‘scapegoating injustice’ are able to acknowledge or express anger regarding what they have been subjected to within their dysfunctional or narcissistic family system, particularly those clients who have developed a strong ‘fawn’ trauma response to survive a threatening family environment.
Versus feeling anger regarding the abusive (and unjust) scapegoating dynamics they are subjected to, such clients typically report that they obsessively ruminate over past interactions with family members, or interactions they might have in the future, surrounding their experiences of overt (or covert) abuse and injustice at the hands of family members.
The energy that might rightly be channeled into experiencing anger regarding unjust treatment is instead (unconsciously) directed toward repetitive thoughts and other avoidant behaviors that inadvertently serve to keep the FSA survivor feeling helpless, powerless, anxious, confused, trapped, or depressed, and unable to take action to effectively address their painful family dynamics.
Why Anger Can Be Difficult for FSA Survivors to Access
The types of injustices experienced within one’s family-of-origin when in the ‘scapegoat’ role may result in the child / adult child experiencing betrayal trauma as well as symptoms of complex trauma and structural dissociation.
Such children are also vulnerable to developing attachment trauma due to conflicting urges to bond with a parent while at the same time needing to protect oneself from the parent - an untenable intrapsychic position leading to disorganized attachment (learn more by reading The Fragmented Child: Disorganized Attachment and Dissociation).
FSA survivors who are unknowingly impacted by betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and structural dissociation will therefore at times have great difficulty experiencing (much less identifying) their emotions, including appropriate anger in response to unjust acts.
There are additional reasons why FSA survivors may have trouble experiencing anger that are deeply rooted in their experiences and dynamics within the abusive family structure:
Guilt and ‘Toxic’ Shame: Survivors may internalize blame for the abuse, feeling guilty or ashamed about their own perceived role in the abuse or the consequences of speaking out against family members.
Fear of Repercussions: Many survivors fear retaliation or further harm if they express their anger towards their abusers or confront them about the abuse. This fear can be heightened if they are still in contact with the abusive family members or rely on them for support.
Conditional Love and Approval: In dysfunctional family dynamics, love and approval may have been conditioned upon compliance, silence, or denial of negative emotions. Survivors may have learned to suppress their anger to maintain family relationships or avoid abandonment.
Minimization and Gaslighting: Abusers often minimize the impact of their actions or gaslight survivors into doubting their own perceptions and emotions. This can lead survivors to invalidate their anger or believe it is unjustified.
Cultural and Societal Norms: Cultural or societal norms that emphasize familial harmony or obedience to authority figures can discourage survivors from expressing anger towards family members, even when it is justified.
Complex Emotions: Anger towards family members can be complicated by conflicting emotions such as love, loyalty, or a desire for reconciliation. Survivors may struggle to reconcile their anger with these other feelings.
The Wisdom of ‘Righteous Rage’
Anger is a natural response to feeling mistreated or unfairly targeted. In the case of family scapegoating, this anger often transforms into what I call ‘righteous rage’—an intense emotional reaction that seeks to address and rectify the perceived injustices. Recognizing and acknowledging this rage is crucial for personal validation and growth.
Righteous rage is a potent emotional reaction to perceived injustices that aligns with a deeply held sense of moral or ethical correctness. In the context of family dynamics, it arises when an individual feels unfairly treated, marginalized, or scapegoated within their own family. Unlike uncontrolled anger, which may be destructive, righteous rage is rooted in a sense of moral outrage and a desire for justice and fairness.
Accessing and navigating anger (or righteous rage) requires self-awareness and a willingness to face painful truths. Therapy and peer-support groups can provide a safe space for survivors to integrate insights gained from self-exploration; process their emotions; develop healthy coping mechanisms; and channel their anger constructively. Ultimately, the goal is to empower survivors to reclaim their sense of agency and move towards healing and resilience.
Processing Righteous Rage
Below are steps that adult survivors can take to safely access and process anger related to boundary violations and other injustices stemming from family scapegoating abuse:
Validate and Name Your Anger: Recognize that feeling angry or outraged in response to scapegoating injustices experienced within your family system is valid and understandable. Give yourself permission to feel your anger - and name it - without fear or self-judgment.
Identify Triggers and Patterns: Understand what triggers your righteous rage within the family dynamic. Is it specific family members, behaviors, comments, or situations? Identifying triggers can help you manage your emotional responses more effectively.
Explore How Anger Might Be Showing Up In Your Body: Next time you are feeling confused or frustrated regarding family interactions, take a moment to check in with your body. Do you notice any sensations, such as clenched hands, a fast heart-rate, or a tight stomach? Be curious and self-compassionate while you do your best to be with those sensations while remaining open to what your body might be trying to tell you. And remember to breathe!
Express Your Anger Constructively: Find healthy ways to express your anger and righteous rage. This might involve journaling, talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or a peer-support group, or engaging in physical activities that help release tension.
Set Boundaries: Anger alerts us to possible boundary violations. Establishing boundaries within your family dynamics is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Get clear with yourself regarding what behaviors are unacceptable and assert your right to be treated with respect. If it is not safe or possible for you to assert these rights directly with family members (which is often the case in highly dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems), then look at how you might protect yourself from further harm (this may require limiting or ending contact with abusive family members, either temporarily or permanently).
In addition to the above recommended steps, I also encourage you to read this comprehensive article on processing anger by Hilary Jacobs Hendel and Juli Fraga for more information and suggestions.
Seeking Resolution and Healing
Addressing family scapegoating injustices requires courage and determination. Here are more steps toward healing from FSA to consider:
1. Assess the Possibility for Communication: Is it possible for you to initiate honest and calm conversations with family members about how their actions or words have affected you? Are you able to express your feelings assertively but without aggression? Be honest with yourself about your family’s limitations and yours based on where you are at in your recovery and healing process at this time as well as the level of dysfunction in your family. When in doubt, “follow the wisdom of your nervous system” and make decisions that prioritize your mental and emotional health.
2. Seek Support: Enlist the support of a licensed, trauma-informed therapist, counselor, or certified coach who can provide guidance and a safe space to explore and process your emotions.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote self-care and emotional healing. This may include reaching out to friends, joining a family abuse survivor support forum or online community, meditation, exercise, spending time in nature or with your pets, or pursuing hobbies that bring you joy and relaxation.
4. Radical Acceptance: While seeking justice and fairness is important, it's also crucial to work towards radical acceptance of your family situation. This does not mean condoning mistreatment but rather releasing yourself from the emotional burden of resentment.
For some, forgiveness is a goal for spiritual or religious reasons. In my trauma-informed practice, I invite my clients to explore the concept of radical acceptance and place less emphasis on forgiveness. Read my article on radical acceptance versus forgiveness to learn more.
Navigating the complexities of family scapegoating dynamics, especially when faced with scapegoating injustices, can be emotionally taxing. Embracing and processing righteous rage is a significant step towards reclaiming your sense of self-worth and dignity within the family context.
By acknowledging and addressing these emotions constructively, individuals can pave the way for healing, resolution, and a healthier relationship with self as they assess their relationships with others - including family members.
Remember, your feelings are valid. Being willing to explore anger and righteous rage is a courageous step towards emotional well-being and is a process that all survivors of abuse should be supported in.
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WATCH MY VIDEO ON SCAPEGOAT SURVIVOR INJUSTICE
WATCH MY VIDEO ON SCAPEGOATING ABUSE AND REPRESSED ANGER