Family Scapegoating Abuse and Validation and Repair Fantasies
Why focusing on having the painful reality of Family Scapegoating Abuse acknowledged by others - including family - can impede your recovery.
This article was first published in September 2022. It was revised in August 2024
One of the things that keeps survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) stuck in regard to progressing in their recovery is the fantasy that if they can just say the 'right' thing to the 'right' person within (or connected to) their family-of-origin, the fact of their abuse will be acknowledged and validated, potentially resolving their deep distress. I call such fantasies “Validation and Repair” fantasies. Tragically, this is unlikely to happen. But this does not change the truth of what happened to you, and your truth deserves to be both told and then heard and validated by people who have the capacity to care.
When Your Experience of Abuse Is Dismissed and Denied
Being the target of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) is a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. The stories of systemic "invisible" (psycho-emotional) abuse that I read while conducting my original research on FSA, as well as stories I’ve heard from clients in my FSA Recovery Coaching practice and those who write me after reading my articles or my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, are at times horrific and incomprehensible.
For example, I’ve worked with FSA adult survivors whose siblings have hid the illness and death of a parent and then were blamed “for not being there for mom (or dad)”; had their rightful inheritance withheld from them by a power-holding narcissistic sibling; been physically assaulted as an adult by siblings caught up in toxic family scapegoating dynamics; had their lives threatened by a parent as a means of keeping them “in line” - the list goes on and on. This is on top of the ‘everyday’ family scapegoating abuse dynamics they have been experiencing (often since childhood), such as isolation, manipulation, family mobbing, public humiliation, and gaslighting.
While the details of these experiences may differ for each FSA adult survivor, those who write me or seek out my FSA Recovery Coaching services have one thing in common: When they finally muster up the courage to tell someone within or outside of the family about what they have been experiencing, they are typically met with uncomfortable silence, blank stares, or dismissive statements like, “All families fight sometimes,” or “It’s your family, they love you, it can’t be that bad,” or “I don’t want to get involved or take sides”- things we would (hopefully) never say to victims of spousal abuse and domestic violence. Why should those who courageously share their experience of familial abuse be treated any differently?
Needless to say, these types of avoidant or outright dismissive responses only adds to the sense of helplessness and traumatic invalidation that the child victim or adult survivor of FSA already experiences, as reflected in my original research results when I first began studying the dysfunctional family phenomenon I eventually named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’, or ‘FSA’. (For more information on my early FSA findings, watch this brief Public Service Announcement video I created to publicize the devastating reality of this form of systemic psycho-emotional abuse.)
The Devastating Impact of Not Being Believed
When adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse (FSA) try to share their distressing family experiences and are not believed, the impact can be profound and multifaceted. Here’s a look at some of the emotional, psycho-social, and practical consequences they might face as a result of having their reports of abuse dismissed by others:
Emotional Impact
1. Increased Isolation: When their experiences of abuse are dismissed and/or are not believed, adult survivors can feel even more isolated. The lack of validation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and make them feel like they have no one to turn to for support.
2. Self-Doubt and Internalized Blame: Not being believed can lead survivors to question their own perceptions and experiences. They might start to doubt their own reality, leading to increased self-blame, confusion, and ‘toxic’ shame.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly having to defend or explain their experiences to others who are unwilling or unable to understand - including why they may have chosen to end contact with one or more family members - can be emotionally draining. This exhaustion can compound the trauma the adult survivor has already endured.
4. Compounded Trauma: Rejection or disbelief can re-traumatize survivors by invalidating their suffering. This can be especially harmful if the disbelief echoes the dynamics of their original abuse, reinforcing feelings of worthlessness or invisibility.
Psychological, Social, and Relational Impact
1. Strained Relationships: When attempts to share their experiences are met with disbelief, it can strain relationships with friends, extended family members, or partners. Survivors might feel disconnected from those who fail to understand their pain.
2. Difficulty in Seeking Help: Being disbelieved can deter survivors from seeking further help. They may fear that other professionals or support systems will also dismiss their experiences, leading them to withdraw from seeking necessary assistance.
3. Stigma and Judgement: Survivors might face societal stigma or judgment, particularly if their experiences involve complex family dynamics or cultural taboos. This stigma can make it even harder for them to find supportive spaces.
Practical Consequences
1. Missed Opportunities for Support: If their experiences are not believed, survivors might miss out on crucial support services, such as therapy or counseling, which can hinder their healing and recovery process.
2. Continued Victimization: Disbelief can sometimes allow the abuse dynamics to continue unchecked. Without external validation or intervention, the survivor may remain in harmful environments or situations.
3. Difficulty in Establishing Boundaries: If their experiences are not acknowledged, it can be challenging for survivors to set or maintain healthy boundaries with those involved in the abuse or with people who dismiss their experiences.
About Validation and Repair Fantasies
Nearly all of my FSA Recovery Coaching clients have shared with me that they spend an inordinate amount of time remembering past incidents with family and wishing they had been able to stick up for themselves versus going into the trauma-based 'fawn/submit' (or ‘freeze’) response(s). Some will associate this type of repetitive remembering with the act of ruminating, which I discuss briefly in my article, Radical Acceptance and the Power of Accepting What IS.
They also share that they are distressed by how frequently they find themselves having imaginary conversations with family members in which they are somehow able to make them see how they are being scapegoated and how painful, unjust, and destructive this is. They realize that these imaginary scenarios in which the family suddenly sees what has been happening and apologizes or asks for forgiveness are unlikely to ever occur, and yet their preoccupation with fantasy “validation” and "repair" experiences persist.
These sorts of fantasies, while understandable, are in actuality an aspect of 'bargaining' - a pre-recovery stage that may rotate with 'denial'. Such fantasies suggest to me as a clinician that the true situation that my client finds themselves in within their family system - including the FSA dynamics that have entrapped them within the painful ‘family scapegoat’ role - has not yet been fully acknowledged or accepted, allowing them to avoid taking difficult yet definitive action to improve their situation (which might include ending contact with abusive family members).
Accepting the reality that you are unlikely to ever experience justice when it comes to your family-of-origin's maltreatment of you (as well as the damage caused by the promotion of false narratives regarding your character and behavior) is admittedly a hard pill to swallow. But it must indeed be swallowed if it is your intention to fully recover from the unique hell of being in the 'family scapegoat' or 'identified patient' (IP) role.
Validating Your Experience of Systemic Family Abuse
Having worked with hundreds of dysfunctional families over the past 20 years, I suspect that those family members who have an interest in denying the reality of FSA prefer to think that their (scapegoated) family member is indeed a liar or crazy when they openly call out the abuse (as is the “crazy” therapist or self-help author the survivor is listening to).
By closing their minds to the possibility that an insidious family projective identification process is at work (often based in unrecognized intergenerational trauma, as discussed Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), your family does not have to look at their own behavior. They do not have to feel remorseful or regretful regarding their mistreatment of you. And - best of all (for them): They do not have to ever apologize to you or be accountable for their behavior.
Let me assure you, as someone who has been a pioneering researcher and clinician on the subject of family scapegoating abuse and its effects, what happened to you IS real and you HAVE been harmed in a manner that few people raised in healthy, loving families could imagine or would want to believe. Therefore, a critical step in recovering from FSA is to notice when you are in denial or minimizing your family's harmful treatment of you (this could be one particular family member, or your entire family-of-origin, depending on how deep the systemic dysfunction is and how far the poisonous 'scapegoat narrative' about you has spread).
In addition to noticing when you may be stuck in the stages of ‘denial’ and ‘bargaining’ (as discussed above), working toward acknowledging and validating the truth of your FSA experiences by 'radically accepting' the reality of what has happened to you in your family (including how this has negatively impacted your life) is a key aspect of ‘getting unstuck’ and moving beyond validation and repair fantasies.
For example (and as confirmed by my FSA research), you may be suffering from symptoms of Complex Trauma (C-PTSD) rooted in your abusive family experiences, as well as Betrayal Trauma, Traumatic Invalidation, and Structural Dissociation. From this place of radical acceptance regarding FSA’s impact on you, you can begin to make wise choices in regard to your recovery. By accepting the extraordinarily painful reality of what has happened to you, you will be better equipped to discern who genuinely wants to hear your truth, and who does not want to hear it because it is inconvenient, overwhelming, or threatening.
Additional Coping Strategies for FSA Adult Survivors
Ultimately, the failure to believe adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse can significantly impact their psychological, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual well-being, making it essential for them to develop the ability to validate their own experiences and reality while also finding validation and support from those who understand and acknowledge their experiences. Below are a few more suggestions that have worked well for my clients:
1. Finding Trusted Allies: It’s important for survivors to seek out individuals or groups who are empathetic and understanding, such as support groups or mental health professionals who specialize in trauma.
2. Validation Through Self-Reflection: Survivors may benefit from affirming their own experiences through journaling, therapy, or personal reflection to reinforce their own reality and self-worth.
3. Educating Others: Sometimes, gently educating those who are not familiar with the concept of FSA and its effects can help bridge the gap in understanding. This might include inviting them to read my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role.
4. Professional Support: Engaging with therapists or counselors who are experienced in dealing with trauma, scapegoating, and systemic psycho-emotional abuse can provide the support and validation that may be lacking in other areas of their life.
Thank you for sharing that fantasies of repair are normal, i have gone through this stage and now my partner is also going through it. It is so painful but i am grateful that i now have a name for this process and your article to share with them.
Excellent article Rebecca! I needed this! Unfortunately I let myself remain in the very painful Repair Fantasy far too long. The dismissals and sometimes outright denials of the abuse were crazy making tactics.