A Public Discussion Thread for both Free and Paid Subscribers of the Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) Education Substack:
Are you an adult survivor of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)? Join us in creating a supportive space to delve into recovery by sharing your favorite books that have helped you on your journey. Whether it's self-help, memoirs, or psychology, your recommendations can be the ultimate guide for others seeking solace, support, and strength.
Let’s come together and inspire each other with our book recommendations - You can leave them via the comment section, below!
Someone recently recommended this book to me and It is spot on and welcome in my recovery journey right now. It is very affirming and her introduction just blew me away. For those who feel alone in their recovery, this opens everything up: Daughter Detox: Recovering from an unloving mother and reclaiming your life, by Peg Streep. Also I found a video on youtube by Barbara Heffernan, "Enmeshment(What it is and why it is a problem). She describes the dynamics of the philosophies, the cult of family enmeshment, generational behavioral patterns, without actually using terminologies of Cluster B labels. I was amazed - tho much could also be identified further with the names of behaviors, but she leaves that unspoken and focused on Enmeshment and the dynamics and emotional sludge. Incredible video for understanding the emotional fallout especially if one is still in an enmeshed relationship. She is evidently a life coach but used to be a "psychotherapist who specialized in helping people recover from anxiety and trauma for almost two decades and is an expert in CBT and EMDR."
I've read a personal memoir by a French author that I found insightful very early on in my healing:
The Words to Say It by Marie Cardinal. It deals alot with her relationship with her mother and her experience in psychotherapy.
Also The Wounded Woman by Linda Leonard which is more Jungian in approach. There was a great group workshop in L.A. on the book as well. The best group workshop I've ever attended on childhood trauma.
Oct 5·edited Oct 5Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
Thank you for this post / discussion. I wrote this in one of Rebecca's note on friendship, and would like to share it here:
"This reminds me of a book I just read, “3. Une aspiration au dehors”, from Geoffroy de Lagasnerie. It is about how friendship opens up possible worlds beyond family, considered as the standard “life framework” nowadays: editions.flammarion.com/3/9782080420015.
There are some other (fiction and autobiographic) books that have been helping me in my (ongoing) healing journey through FSA and C-PTSD, among them: “Educated” by Tara Westover; “Retour à Reims” by Didier Eribon; poetry by Louise Glouck, Rupi Kaur, David White, and others; “Monsieur Ibrahim et les fleurs du Coran”, by Éric-Emmanuel Schmitt; “Caderno de Memórias Coloniais”, by Isabela Figueiredo; “Narcissus and Goldman”, by Herman Hesse, and some others.
Dear Rebecca. I had no chance to address to you still, (...) but I can’t express how useful and healing and validating and illuminating (so many aha moments!) your work has been to me! I am very grateful, and looking forward to subscribe the community! Thank you!".
On the psychoterapy side, Pete Walker was and is a huge source of help, comfort, validation, to where I always go back. John Bradshaw. And all from Rebecca Mendeville, this by the order I "discovered" them. And all from TCTSY, mostly practicing! 💚.
There is a looong list that I still want to read through... Grateful to all.
Thank you for these additional reading recommendations, Mariana - much appreciated. I am always grateful to hear that my FSA offerings have been helpful and glad you found other meaningful resources as well.
Oct 6·edited Oct 6Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
Thank you Rebecca, reading and hearing your work felt like connecting a new piece in my puzzle, by relating topics that I was still missing to understand how they relate and integrate my experience. I am deeply grateful, and never miss every new post! I like how you approach the FSA topic, as well, in the right approach and tone to me. Thank you also for sharing so many valuable information and resources freely, it really makes the difference.
Sep 25·edited Sep 25Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
IT'S NOT YOU By Ramani Durvasula, PhD. I also bought the workbook to go along with it. I am most of the way through and have only dabbled with the workbook - which, I started these after reading Rejected, Shamed & Blamed ;) - and have found these two books powerfully validating!!
I've also found valuable validation from;
- The Emotionally Absent Mother By Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC
- The ACOA Trauma Syndrome - The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships By Tian Dayton, PhD
- The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Honouring The Self, How To Raise Self-Esteem (and more) By Nathaniel Branden
- Disarming The Narcissist By Wendy T. Behary, LCSW
- Emotional Intelligence 2.0 By Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves
- Nonviolent Communication By Marshall Rosenberg
- Polyvagal Theory By Stephen Porges
- Polyvagal Theory for Therapists By Deb Dana, LCSW
- Befriending Your Nervous System By Deb Dana
- The PTSD Workbook By Mary Beth Williams, Ph.D., LCSW, CTS & Soili Poijula., Ph.D
- Healthy Parenting By Janet G. Woititz, ED.D.
- Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook By Arielle Schwartz., PhD.
And more!
I found that most of these books confirmed what I always knew. I want to credit the innate wisdom of my psyche for being on the level that it is and informing me every step of the way that what I was experiencing was NOT ok. I swear, I don't know where the heck it comes from but there are things I 'just know' and have always known, ever since I was a little girl. This knowing (and expressing) both got me into and OUT of trouble! It blows me away, how I KNEW what was crossing a line, how to be compassionate towards myself (and even them, without compromising my value and self-respect) and protect myself. The human psyche is SO MIGHTY!!!! It is beyond measure in it's wisdom and strength, I trust it completely and am beyond grateful for my connection to mine.
I feel sad because I believe that it is this very connection that the people who have done harm are missing in themselves and why they (over)compensate with attempting to control others. I've got what they wish they had and they want it but can't have it, so they attempt to break me from mine. I believe this connection to ourselves is what makes us 'scapegoats'.
I am new to this space and this is my first comment here so, I wanted to say thank you all for sharing your experiences, feelings, insights and resources - I am so grateful to be here in this kindred space.
And a special thank you to you Rebecca for creating it! <3
I am excited for more validating books to add to my collection :)
Thank you, Anneke, for this detailed list. Also, how you describe yourself and your connection to your deeper Self (and the unconscious) is a description I myself could have written, I so strongly related to it all. I address this a bit in the chapter on the Empath in my book; also the chapters on the False Self and the True Self. So glad you found my book and it has been helpful and very glad you are here. Since you are new, I want to make sure you saw this link from my Substack menu on how to access free and paid subscriber features - this will help you find your way around: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/explore-our-community
Phew! I needed that Substack guidance, this is definitely a different space to get used to - thanks for the link Rebecca.
And I really appreciated learning you have had such similar experience to the connection within and to the deeper Self (unconscious). Haha, often times people note that my comments, curiosities etc., are 'deep' but I often internally respond, "Not to me, they're all right here, right at the surface."
And yes, those chapters in your book spoke loudly to me. I have carried a very strong affinity to children, youth, elders, animals, nature etc., due to my high degrees of empathy.
I am glad you protected and nurtured your connection with yourSelf Rebecca, it is bringing great and much needed wisdom and care into the world!
Honestly I’m so old that I like the classic, Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman. It was my Bible when I was recovering from the trauma of sexual abuse. But it isn’t specifically about FSA at all. Just the basics on trauma recovery.
"Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists" by Janina Fischer, which Dr. Mandeville already recommends highly and often, has been the best for me.
I utilized it thoroughly and then revisited it as needed until the increments of time in between needing to got bigger and bigger - my personal indicator of recovery.
Love hearing this, Marilyn, thank you. I've had quite a few clients say to me something along the lines of, "I didn't think it was helping me that much when I was first working through it but now it is six months later and I'm in a completely different (better) place!"
One book I’ve read recently that I found really helpful was Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate With a Narcissist and Win by Rebecca Zung, Esq. The author is a family law attorney who, thanks to the territory, has to deal with a lot of narcissists. These are the people who inevitably grind the wheels to a halt, waste other people’s time and money, and use the courts to abuse their victims. Her tactics are designed for legal situations and business negotiations, but her insights into narcissists’ behaviors were very helpful to me. Will it help you stop the scapegoater in the family from lying about you? Probably not. But for me, it did help me see them a bit differently, and I gained real tools for having to deal with them in legal situations. In my experience, a great many, but perhaps not all, scapegoaters are narcissists to some degree, or narcissistic in their behaviors.
Here's three more recommendations for better understanding trauma / healing from trauma: 'Our Polyvagal World: How Safety and Trauma Change Us' by Porges and Porges. Also, 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman - an early voice in the field of trauma treatment. And Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma'.
I’m slowly getting through “Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma “ by Janine Fisher. It has really pinpointed symptoms that I share and it’s been very hard. But also I feel somewhat validated because these symptoms are also with others and it is real. Specific to my experience of child trauma.
Good to hear. I did my complex trauma treatment certification under Dr Fisher and use this workbook with clients in my practice - very effective; we do take it very slow...
I thumbed thru this 2 nights ago while not sleeping...
he claims that those of us who go to 'fight' (flight, freeze, fawn) are narcissists and bullies, which of course, disturbed the heck outta me...but then did some 'research' and found a reddit thread speaking of this very thing...and they speculate that perhaps this Pete Walker isn't completely free from his own C-PTSD
it's not like I don't do the others at times...
another thing *for me*: how about a book that goes PAST all the validating and actually gives us tools to use?...I don't need to know *what* happened to me (us) but HOW to get past it all~
Sep 26·edited Sep 26Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
For me the biggest takeaway I got from Walkers book was the concept of triggers and flashbacks. Also the role of mindfulness and attachment in healing: for me those were very useful tools and I didn’t find the book triggering but everyone’s response to material is unique. Several friends I recommended it to have found it invaluable to their healing so I think while it may not be everyone’s cup of tea — and you don’t have to agree with everything in it — it was an invaluable tool for me.
Furies...I totally get what you said about Pete Walker's "fight" type. I had forgotten how triggering it was for me at the time. Just revisited his website and believe that he could have used much kinder words. About books - if they are triggering you in an invalidating way, chuck the book and find something that helps YOU! Rebecca's book: Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed did not evoke these types of responses from me. She is impeccable with her words. BTW, I read somewhere, that Pete Walker admitted that as he still healing and growing and regrets writing some of the things he wrote in his books. At least, he has insight. I do think he needs to update his website to reflect where he's at today.
Like you, I strongly disagree with Walker's claim here regarding the 'fight' response. Completely. He does write meaningfully about the 'fawn' response, however. I know he has a C-PTSD workbook, not sure if it is helpful, have not looked at it myself. Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', is very helpful and the one I use in my FSA Recovery practice.
Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving. I had been diagnosed with PTSD and this was the first time I heard of Complex PTSD 2012-2013.
The Body Keeps the Score-Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk
Mother Hunger- Kelly McDaniel
I have to say that whenever I read these types of books I do get triggered. They did however help me face the truth of it all. I did read the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. She was a brilliant writer! Her son wrote a book too- The True Drama of the Gifted Child. Not a smear campaign about his mother but was amazed at the double life Alice Miller led. As humans we can sometimes deceive ourselves.
I read in other posts here that these types of books can often be very triggering and I agree. Many times I've had to remind myself to take it slowly, give myself time to process. The grief that often floored me was incredibly painful. I have the benefit of a good psychologist to talk to. I also have tools now. I am lucky to be back in Canada. I don't have to pay for therapy. If I had this available when I was living in the US I don't think I would have suffered as long.
My heart goes out to all of you who are fighting your way out of the pit of despair. It takes a lot of courage...sending love and hope!
I am also here in Canada and have been without the support of a professional, namely due to financial ability, as I am self-employed. I am curious and if you are comfortable sharing, are you on full benefits with work? And if not, how may I learn to access this degree of care that you have? I wonder if I may be missing some information, that if I have it, could lead me to a fruitful outcome. Though, I often tend to be in situations where I fall through the cracks - story of my life!
The other reason for my not having this vital support is finding someone with the skills/abilities to offer care for this unique experience. I am SO glad you have this care now and are not feeling the pains of enduring a lack anymore.
Also, you have totally intrigued me now re; Alice Miller. Your point about living a double life due to self-deceit really struck a chord with me, as this was what I saw from my mother, whom I would confidently say operates with covert narcissistic behaviors/styles. Thank you for sharing these book titles and insights!
Wishing you fulfillment in your right to wellbeing <3
Another Canadian eh? That's great! Even though you are self-employed you should still be able to access mental health services. Mental health care has nothing to do with your income. Which province do you live in?
Anneke and Lise - Because this is a public post, you two may want to direct message each other to converse more privately. To do so, just click on each other's names where you have commented here and you should see 'Message' in a rectangular box and you can then message each other and not have it be public.
Yes, I'll have to include this information in the navigation menu link and I'll get something out to the community reminding them how to direct message each other.
Another book I forget to mention but as nobody else has is Primal Scream by Author Janov. It’s more than 50 year sold but to me it seems to be the precursor to parts-therapy that Dr Janina Fisher and Dr Richard Schwartz talk about.
It is a great idea to let us share inspiring and supporting books! Thank you, Rebecca!
I start in the seventies, when I came across (in the German speaking area) Alice Miller's
"The Drama of the Gifted Child", "For your own good", "Thou shalt not be aware".
The French victimologist Marie France Hirigoyen's "Stalking the Soul" and all her following publications are worth reading. I discovered the first one around 2010. At the same time Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmailing" as well as the books on HSP by Elaine Aron and others.
Rebecca, your "Rejected, shamed and blamed" ist the work that runs really deep and covers so many aspects out of the scapegoat perspective. Really great and unique for everyone who is ready to accept the truth radically and gain more and more awareness. A great recent discovery for me!
Hi Barbara, appreciate the recommendations and am so glad my introductory book on FSA has been helpful. BTW, I now have a foreign rights agent and just sold worldwide Dutch translation rights to a division of Simon & Schuster - Hoping there will be more to come, I've had many requests to get a German translation out since I first published it four years ago.
I am looking forward to the Dutch translation. I so grateful because I hope FSA will get attention en will be recognized in the Netherlands and Belgium.
Sep 26·edited Sep 26Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
Ik hou van Nederland!! <3 And I hope this recognition comes for you too Karin! Holland is progressive in many things/matters and hopefully this becomes one of them.
I've read many books mentioned earlier and found them helpful, some more than others. I'd add Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson and Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward.
Thanks for these recommendations! They sound like great compliments to a book I've read - The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC., which you might find valuable?
I feel enthusiastic to exploring these new to me titles, thanks again!
Love all of the participation going on in this free / paid subscriber community thread, thanks everyone. I'll of course recommend my introductory (research and clinically-based / personal experience-based) book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' (Universal Buy Link here - you can access the Amazon Kindle, paperback, and hard cover versions from this link as well - Tantor publications is releasing the Audio Book version next year. A division of Simon & Schuster just secured Dutch translation rights worldwide, with more foreign translations to come): https://books2read.com/intro2fsa // I also encourage those interested in the more 'meta' aspects of scapegoating as a form of energetic violence underlying society for centuries to read the work of philosopher, French historian, and literary critic, Renee Girard. One such book is 'The Scapegoat' (link here): https://www.amazon.com/Scapegoat-Ren%C3%A9-Girard/dp/0801839173
OoooOOOOoooo...I am REALLY intrigued by your recommendation for Renee Girard!
Given that narcissism is based on the Greek story of Narcissus, I personally see that human evolution as a whole, is the microcosmic expression of what we here have experienced on the macrocosmic level.
I am all about spotting patterns and making connections for the purpose of growth and understanding and the human psyche is by far the most fascinating compilation of these variables. I see great value in tracing our current day understandings to our historical and noticing the patterns and connections along the way. Thank you Rebecca for this recommendation, it sounds right up my alley!
Given this, Anneke, you may also want to watch my 2-part video whereby I discuss the meta / micro aspects of energetic 'splitting' (employing a more transpersonal perspective), which fuels much pathology in the human psyche and within human-made systems. Part 2 is linked at the end of part 1 here, and in the video description. I'd like to expand on these ideas here in my next book as well: https://youtu.be/4CFqA0yWPhs
Thank you kindly Rebecca! I am part way through the video and am going to re-watch it, it's certainly offering some helpful insights!
I am actually quite intrigued by the field of transpersonal psychology and would be incredibly grateful for your expansion on this topic in your book! I've experienced many near death moments in my early life but most especially in 2013, all of which have brought the principles of the transpersonal into my life more and more. Do you have awareness for or around NOSC's? (Non-ordinary States of Consciousness). Folks such as Stanislav Grof, Carl Jung, Ken Wilber, etc., have been who I've found helpful to a degree but I think with your expertise in scapegoating I would really value any feedback you have in this area. Do you have a book, author or contributor of some kind in the field of the transpersonal you would recommend?
Yes, Stan Grof was quite involved with my Institute (Institute of Transpersonal of Psychology / ITP), as was Wilber and many others early on. Jung and Maslow would be considered the first transpersonal theorists and Transpersonal Psychology is considered the 4th wave of Psychology, following Behaviorism. I touch on the Transpersonal in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) in the False Self and True Self chapters especially, and would like to expand on this aspect of human experience as it can be an important avenue for healing from FSA and its effects. I have been very involved in the area of non-ordinary states of consciousness - this was a standard field of study at ITP, in fact. Not sure if you are looking for books that are theory focused or more practical in regard to healing but for sure I would recommend my ITP colleagues (Firman and Gila’s) book: Primal Wound: A Transpersonal View of Trauma, Addiction, and Growth https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Transpersonal-Trauma-Addiction/dp/9387496511/
I am a big big fan of the Greek tragedies....the Renee Girard book is a reminder that our ancient past has lessons for our present conditions, politically and interpersonally.
I actually get a lot of comfort from them-thus my screen name- Furies- enacted revenge on those who commit violence against women-I intuit they are the actual remnants of the legendary 'matriarchy' that history denies.
I really appreciated your comment, thank you for sharing it 'Furies'! :)
I also just had a thought, do you suppose that that may be where the name Furiosa - from the new Mad Max; Fury Road - is rooted? It would create a whole new understanding for the film if so!
Also, do you note how even the word HIStory holds so much nuance and denial of HERstory? ;) Why isn't it OURstory? His AND Hers?
This topic also reminds me of another book you might appreciate, if you haven't read it yet - The Alphabet Vs. The Goddess by Robert Shlain (rhymes with brain and he was a neuroscientist - HA!). It explores the disappearance of the Goddess in Greek Mythology when communication shifted from image/symbolism to the written word. I found it very powerful and actually one I'd like to re-read, now that some time has passed.
Sep 21·edited Sep 22Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel Van Der Kolk; I went to Goodreads and just started reading the quotations from the book and was floored, so I bought it. Very dog-eared now, and stayed at the top of the bestseller list forever, so I'm not the only one. The idea that I had to deal with my body first....
Dr. George K. Simon: In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People and Character Disturbance; The essence of these is to turn classical psychology on its head when dealing with Character-disturbed people, a concept related to personality-disturbed people: Classical psych says we all function based on neurosis. He says some people just learn to consciously manipulate because it's advantageous, at its worst, just sadistic. So, we have to approach these people differently. Him breaking this down has really helped with some people I've faced.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life; Sound psychology here, laced with Bible references, but those can be completely ignored
Drama of the Gifted Child - Alice Miller; Easy with this one if it strikes a chord. It was very intense for me. Had to take in small bites.
Healing the Hurting Soul: A Survival Manual for the Black Sheep in Every Family - Louis Wynne; A psychologist critical of the psychiatric industry and its weaknesses - I say this as a child of a psychiatrist who would espouse this to a degree.
Shout out to the website (still available, but now inactive) for the initial "wake-up" call for me: The Invisible Scar: Raising awareness of emotional child abuse and offering hope for adult survivors - https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/
Miller's book, 'Drama of the Gifted Child', caused quite a sensation when she published it in Europe. I see many people today using her ideas without attribution throughout the 'self help' field. More info' here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)
Thank you - wow, a very complex individual and her own individual works and her son’s book is of great interest to me. I have read since I was a child, of WW2, Holocaust, and always somehow related the war and the horrors, and considered the survivors and the traumas and how that coping or healing affected their children and further generations. And also find her “theories” themselves filling in the gaps or denying outright so much of the traditional analytical concepts and how they influence the cultural opinions and judgements to this day. Sounds very interesting.
I just recently learned of Rebecca's groundbreaking work and am fascinated. I'll be reading her book soon. The books listed below helped me on my journey as I tried to escape the FSA after effects even before I understood them.
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb-I haven't read a better book to date.
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron
Memoirs:
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal by Jeannette Winterson
Hi...new here; currently in crisis from a disappointing 'reunion' with adult child raised by my abuser who used the courts to 'punish' me for finally having the courage to leave.
I'm finding these books you speak of, tend to suck me back into the pain/flashbacks and not helpful...right this minute, after 2 weeks of little to no sleep and days long migraines, I sure would love a clue how to pull oneself together while swimming against the tide of all this shame, regret and ANGER that I will never be heard, my story will never be told & I will die in poverty with the reputation as a violent, 'mentally ill' liar.
I DID run into a site while swimming in the muck; a person called 'lisette' - I'm hoping to purchase her book and yours next month--but again; does anyone else find reading these things just further trauma? I need tools to help manage my very big emotions-yesterday I really blew it with open displays of my anger and it scares people...I WANT JUSTICE and need to come to a place where I accept things as they are and not what should have happened in a just world.
No Justice
No Peace
ps other books I have that did not really help is Pete Walkers and "Sexy But Psycho" by Dr. Jessica Taylor
thanks for all those out there sharing their stories-they actually help me the most--I'm not the lone ranger...I wish you all were my neighbors ")
A book that my clients find in general non-triggering is Dr Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Clients'. It is the workbook I used in my practice with clients until I get my own FSA workbook out.
Hi, I do feel for you and have felt as you describe. Pete Walker’s book made me depressed who is perhaps why I can’t remember any of it.
The way I began is:
1) watching VDO’s on inner healing power and mediation such as Marissa Peers and moved a bit into mindfulness and breathing but not enough to make.me bored but until
I was settled and comfortable;
2) watched YouTube VDO’s and many of these that I began with were Rebecca’s - I found that they did not put me back into a trauma and actually put me I a fighting mode and made me feel stronger and able to cope (not sure they were meant to do that but I do feel a fighting spirit in Rebecca’s work);
3) I watched some others on YouTube and read some more but settled on Janina Fisher self help book (She’s also on many l podcasts);
4) I journaled and wrote a huge report on my parents lifelong abuse and sent it to the local police in my hometown. Currently awaiting the outcome.
Appreciate your comment. My focus is on psycho-education on this phenomenon I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my research, which tends to be less triggering (but not always). I did a video on what I call 'scapegoat injustice' that I'm linking you to here. Also, two articles I wrote: One also on scapegoat injustice and the other on radical acceptance as related to healing from the effects of FSA. I've walked this path personally - not just professionally - and many people do find my content helpful, although I don't focus on quick fixes or cookie-cutter recovery suggestions. I do think you might find my book helpful (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) - it is brief, but dense and I offer terms and introduce concepts to describe what for many people has up until now been rather indescribable experiences. 1) Video on scapegoat injustice: https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4 // 2) Article on Scapegoat Injustice here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/06/29/injustices-of-family-scapegoating-fsa/ // 3) Article on radical acceptance: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
Thx...I've read them; I DID get to a place of 'radical acceptance' when I divorced the lot of them 5 1/2 years ago...
but one of 'em came knocking at my door...and I did not recognize the flying monkey
I loved those flying monkeys more than myself~
Trying to get back to that place and I'm so surprised this has all knocked me off my game...
Just 2 years ago I was telling someone that I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my life--it's almost as if this got back to the cult leader and he subsequently sent out orders...
Thanks to everyone here with their list of resources...I've checked out several--some are new to me and look worth exploring...
Oh...and the book I mentioned in an earlier post: "Sexy But Psycho" (unfortunate name imnsho)...by Dr. Jessica Taylor--I picked it up again yesterday and I understand the reason I bought it--she is an indefatigable feminist. I totally relate to that--and the stories she tells of the horrors that are 'family court'...
As the 'identified patient' I am overly familiar with the psych world...intellectually you can know of the 'tools' -I lived thru benzo withdrawal (many don't)-you gotta do the minute by minute thing for as long as it takes to get to the other side--but still got hopelessly stuck this time.
I'm feeling better today; prol 6 hrs of sleep last night much better than zero and 1-2; I just wish those 'tools' that I have used successfully before, failed me this time.
I’m so sorry you had this terrible recent experience. Also sorry you had such a vindictive scapegoater that she was able to punish you through the courts over the years. I agree with Kelly Thompson here in the comments that finding a community where you are supported, like this one, can be very healing.
If it helps you, I’ll share that for me self-help books that were too “on-the-nose” in certain ways were too overwhelming and re-traumatizing on the early part of my journey. Anything that even hinted that there might be anything “wrong” with me, even as a natural consequence of what I’d been through, made me feel torn apart and disoriented. What helped was reading various on-line accounts of other people’s dysfunctional family survival stories, as well as stories of adult-children who were still asking “WTF this is what happened what caused this did it happen to anyone else” type stories. There was safety for me in just reading about what other people had been through (not just me! I’m not the only freak! Oh hey, I’m not a freak!). The other thing was reading various websites about narcissistic mothers and their flying monkeys— the ones written by children of those people, not clinicians (unless the clinician also had a mother like that). So many of these scapegoaters are narcissists that it helped me to read about THEIR disorders, as written by people sympathetic to their victims and not to them. For me, nothing is worse than describing what I want through and having someone say “well try to see it from her point of view and it will hurt less.” or “you just need to forgive her and you will feel better!” Such. Horrible. Advice. Also, seeing my own family members in the descriptions of the disorders was really helpful. It created a safe buffer zone for me to begin to enter my own healing territory. All the very best to you. May you have every blessing.
Ah yes. The Just World Fallacy. People cling to it because it makes the big bad world less terrifying. If bad people get bad things, then people who believe themselves good will be ok. And people who are powerless to retaliate against people who hurt them can feel better by believing that karma will get the bad guys. Comes in handy, too, for the “good” people who don’t want to be inconvenienced by awareness of social injustice. Personally, I’ve always believed that a great deal about this world is upside down and backwards.
I recommend finding a community where you can be supported in these big feelings and get some self regulation tools under your belt. This community Rebecca has is a great start! I had to go slow; one day at a time, sometimes an hour or minute at a time. Community for me was crucial whether it be small group therapy, 12 step, or elsewhere. That’s hard for us black sheep outsiders. You’re not alone!
I've been before; the god thing is bothersome but I did find some value there
( during divorce proceedings the ex's liar(oops) *lawyer* said I was going to AA, when actually I was going to Al Anon...family court--who knew lying was OK?? I sure didn't...)
There are a few. Besides Rebecca’s book, I the first I read that dealt with narcissistic abuse was
Sam Vatkin - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited. This is tour de force if you’re new to the topic but if you’re a bit lazy like me, these days I’d listen to his YouTube channel.
Pete Walker is great. Language is flowing, and easy to read but I forget the contents. In fact I don’t remember any of it and I only read it 3 months ago.
Janina Fisher’s work book on trauma recovery and I have another one of hers with cards with quotes.
Nice Hunter’s Abused Boys is also excellent and explains lots of intricate tricks that the dysfunctional family can get up to.
You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother by Danu Morigan
Adult Survivors of Toxic Families by Sherrie Campbell, PHD
I listened to both in audio format. Both validated my feelings of trauma, my role in my so called FOO and helped me understand how to set boundaries heal and move on - to a life of indifference and calm and bliss (most days lol)
First, Rebecca, your book is groundbreaking and I will be highly recommending it to all my misfit friends and followers in perpetuity! I am so excited for the new dimensions of healing you are opening up for those in and out of recovery. There are no words to express how important your perspective is.
I am inspired by you to do some posts covering this topic: my recovery and the books along the way.
Most of the books I’ll share here are classic and the thing about most of these books is that my understanding and perspective on them has grown and changed over time. We know so much more today yet I think all of these still valuable and at least in my experience they were life changing and core:
The Evolution of My Recovery: Some seminal books
The Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck
The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace (New Hope for Humankind) by M. Scott Peck
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults by Claudia Black
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz
Bradshaw On: The Family
Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. 1990.
Atlas of The Heart - by Brene Brown
Brene’s talks On Vulnerability!
The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham
Yogic Perspective on the 12 Steps by Amrit Desai
Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn (not recovery related per se but helpful!)
Memoirs:
Liar’s Club by Mary Carr
Another Bullshit Night in Suck City: A Memoir by Nick Flynn
Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door (bk 2) by Dr Martha Stout
I would not have picked up these books because my ignorant definition of “sociopath” was too extreme. But my therapist (who is retired now) knowing my history, thought I would be interested in reading. I did not realize Sociopaths are simply “without conscience” and also unable to love, have empathy, guilt, etc. and it is evidently 1 out of every 25 people. Her writing flows, between examples/stories and information, some stats, etc. has been my most recent and defining read for my recovery.
Waking the Tiger by Peter A Levine. I dip in and out of his books, reading in almost a guided way.
The body keeps the score by Bessel van der kolk. Incredible and so informative. Has moved me to explore somatic movement as well. Plus in my healing, much of the layers of buried emotion has changed my body and the chronic pain that was dx has reduced massively and I am able to address the connections between tension, pain, and fear or anger (example) before they get locked in my body.
Rejected shamed and blamed by Rebecca Mandeville Another defining book for my next step in recovery, to understand the FSA and in my head it stands not only for family scapegoat abuse but also for Family Systems of Abuse. 😉 great book for sure - one of my top favs
The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V E Schwab. This is a work of fiction but when I saw Neil Gaiman speak so highly of it I read it. Was a wonderful fictional break that brought up the strength and intention to live my best life despite the darkness that may visit or try to manipulate from time to time. The main character also had the opportunity to start her day fresh every day where no one knew her and she tried various ways to cope and make the best of it. The other character was the “devil” who while possessing the darkness and the evil never fully examined, he had many facets and was charming and appealing as well. Hard to explain but it was a magical thinking book and came just when I needed to read it.
Whole Brain Living by Dr Jill Bolte Taylor. An excellent read and workbook in a way for me to engage all of my brain when it’s triggered. This includes the objective awareness, the hurt inner child, the self compassion in the moment and self care and the spiritual intuitive connection. This Author is a neuro physicist who has recovered from a full stroke and was able to write about her entire experience in her first book which blows MY mind. Is an excellent book I’ve read thru 3 times and read aloud to my husband as we discussed it a 4th time. Also recommended by my therapist.
In an Unspoken Voice dr Peter A Levine
Somatoemotional Release by John Upledger. My 2nd career was massage therapy alongside being a Reiki master. I took some of Uoledgers courses in Cranial Sacral bodywork. He is the founder of the techniques. But what wonderful ways to move trauma thru and out of the body, to help regulate our emotions and heal.
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb some books are difficult to read until we are ready. I tried this several years ago and had to put it down. But I think I would devour it now. It IS good.
Bradshaw was my first exposure to Family Systems. I remember watching his PBS series as a young girl in the 1970's and he was using wire coat-hangers he had hooked together as a sort of hanging mobile to show how all the crap trickles down in these dysfunctional families. Made an impression on me, even then. Great recommendations thanks!
You’ll love it - John Firman, one of the authors, was mentored personally by the great Italian theorist / psychoanalyst Roberto Assagioli, a peer of Freud and Jung, who conceptualized a lower / egoic / higher unconscious - the higher unconscious reflecting ‘peak’ states, etc, and the idea of ‘as above, so below’, i.e., peak spiritual experiences can be followed by a descending into deep depression, and vice-versa, but this expansion/contraction/expansion is necessary for psycho-spiritual growth. It is another way to consider ‘parts’ work. BTW, in Psychosynthesis, we have been calling ‘parts’ “Sub-personalities” for decades. I suspect the founder of Internal Family Systems may have been more than a little inspired by Psychosynthesis - just a hunch.
oooOOoooo, okay, this is starting to hit a little closer to home re; NOSC's! I've had 5 experiences that were WELL beyond 'ordinary'. They were like psychedelic trips, without the psychedelics. NO ONE has been able to offer insight as to what the heck I experienced, until now! THANK YOU!
Just for scope, one of these NOSC's had me so euphoric and convulsing, I ended up in the emergency room with the doctor diagnosing me with 'serotonin syndrome' and prescribing me with Adavan, which he forgot to give me. I say thankfully now.
This thread is proving to be a life changing gem of wisdom! <3
The singer Jewel, speaks of her recovery from abuse and her complex ptsd. She also talked about the “expansion and contraction”. If there are others interested in her interview, it’s on you tube. I can find it and post a link.
Sep 22·edited Sep 22Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
Beautiful. I touch on that just a bit in tonight's post "God & Sex" ❤️ The expansion/contraction - YES! Necessary, ongoing. Once we recognize the Self, we can begin to surf those waves.
Precisely. And, when one is in a contraction, they can remind themselves they will surely expand again, and there will be even more light / clarity / awareness as a result. As I often say to my clients, it is through this expansion/contraction process that we give birth to (re)new(ed) aspects of s/Self.
One book that really helped me was: Growing up as the scapegoat to narcissistic parents, a guide to healing, By Jay Reid, LPCC in San Francisco, California. He has videos on YouTube as well.
One of my favorites is Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. Her other books are also very helpful. Pete Walker's Complex Post Traumatic Stress, From Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling, have helped me too. These are not specific to Scapegoating Abuse but address much of what I've suffered and how to heal.
Janina Fisher has a wonderful downloadable pdf on her website titled, Learning to Love Ourselves. It addresses creating relationships with parts.
Good to know about that PDF of Janina's. I have some free worksheets of hers posted on the home page here of my Substack as well. (Janina is who I did my advanced certification with for treating complex trauma, btw, I use her workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma' with my clients).
I appreciate the suggestions. I am new to FSA but not new to recovery groups. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Any recommendations for Adult Children from Alcoholic homes is welcomed.
Sep 26·edited Sep 26Liked by Rebecca C Mandeville LMFT CCTP
Hi Fran!
I offered my list above but wanted to pass on to you the book - The ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Trauma Syndrome - The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships.
I attempted Alateen when I was 16 y/o but it wasn't a fit for me. Both of my parents have addictions. My mother is covert in her narcissistic behaviour and denies her addiction, whereas my father went to AA meetings and attempted recovery from addiction to both alcohol and drugs - so I appreciated this book. Hope it helps if you haven't already read it!
Thank you! I have been going through the questions again in Rejected Shamed and Blamed starting on page 26. I am trying to actually pinpoint what happened growing up. I have been in recovery for a long time-sober 44 years- but the first time I went through the questions I got tremendous anxiety and overwhelmed. I reacted with some depression and brain fog so put the book down for a while. I can only take it slow and in small bits at the moment. Will be discussing with counselor who recommended your book. The really interesting part is my sibling popped up on the radar and started emailing family stuff. We are respectful and occasionally email but nothing like recently. Life sure is interesting!!
I have gotten that brain fog and anxiety too and am always reminded from my past therapy “to be curious” and try not to get overwhelmed and push it down, because it is that fogginess right before the door of understanding. Things that need to be identified and processed thru. It’s kind of a “flag” to me now that “oh, this is something big that I need to address”. Best to you.
I see this a lot when working with clients - It is like some energetic signal gets sent out and certain family members pick it up - for better or worse (!) It is good to take my book slow - it is brief, yet dense. Also glad to hear your counselor recommended it, I’m hearing this more and more.
I have ordered this book because the shame aspect is something I have not looked into during my recovery. All this is a deeper dive for me now. Many years I had a friend that mentioned shame to me but I brushed it off at the time.
I use the term ‘toxic shame’ in relation to FSA - Can’t remember if you have my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but I devote a chapter to the subject of toxic shame in it and explain what it is and why it can be so debilitating to FSA adult survivors if it goes unrecognized / unaddressed.
I started in Alateen, then Alanon then graduated to AA. I am doing the steps in my small group for the second time and since I don't have a sponsor I opted for a counselor. She recommended FSA. I could not believe how many things applied to me in the book. I have never explored this aspect of my recovery. It is eye-opening and painful all at once but what little I have read made sense to me. It was an AHA moment. I appreciate this group and comments.
Hi Fran, when you say your counselor recommended ‘FSA’, do you mean my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse, ‘Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'? Just curious, thanks!
Welcome to my Substack and our community of FSA survivors! Hopefully Kelly Thompson (https://substack.com/@kellyblog) will chime in - You may want to subscribe to her Substack here as well, she is a recovery specialist and author: https://thompsonk.substack.com/
I would agree with Catalina, your book of course ! Also Matt Haig's The Comfort Book, my brother bought it for me & it was indeed comforting. I was also deeply touched that my fellow black sheep family member had read it himself & he thought it might help me. Thank you Catalina for your recommendations.
Besides your own book, which helped me very much, there are 3 others I would recommend. 2 of them are not specific to scapegoats, but very useful to recover from narcissistic abuse:
Dr. Les CARTER, Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me
Dr. Ramani DURVASULA, It’s not you
Jay REID, Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
Oh there it is! I was looking to see if anyone else had suggested 'IT'S NOT YOU' :) I also got a workbook that goes with it and found it quite helpful. In case you looking to deepen the lessons from the book, I totally recommend it.
I also really appreciate Les' material and didn't know about Jay Reid - thanks for the info Catalina!
Thank you, Brenda, appreciate these suggestions. I also recommend Dr. Janina Fisher’s C-PTSD workbook, ‘Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma’. Curious about the workbook you are getting and would love to get feedback on it; the mind/body connection is so important when addressing any type of trauma as trauma is of course held in the body and within ‘implicit’ (versus ‘explicit’) memory, as Dr. Fisher is so good at explaining.
Someone recently recommended this book to me and It is spot on and welcome in my recovery journey right now. It is very affirming and her introduction just blew me away. For those who feel alone in their recovery, this opens everything up: Daughter Detox: Recovering from an unloving mother and reclaiming your life, by Peg Streep. Also I found a video on youtube by Barbara Heffernan, "Enmeshment(What it is and why it is a problem). She describes the dynamics of the philosophies, the cult of family enmeshment, generational behavioral patterns, without actually using terminologies of Cluster B labels. I was amazed - tho much could also be identified further with the names of behaviors, but she leaves that unspoken and focused on Enmeshment and the dynamics and emotional sludge. Incredible video for understanding the emotional fallout especially if one is still in an enmeshed relationship. She is evidently a life coach but used to be a "psychotherapist who specialized in helping people recover from anxiety and trauma for almost two decades and is an expert in CBT and EMDR."
Thanks, Ki, for these additions to our list.
I've read a personal memoir by a French author that I found insightful very early on in my healing:
The Words to Say It by Marie Cardinal. It deals alot with her relationship with her mother and her experience in psychotherapy.
Also The Wounded Woman by Linda Leonard which is more Jungian in approach. There was a great group workshop in L.A. on the book as well. The best group workshop I've ever attended on childhood trauma.
These are unique offerings I bet many are not aware of. Thanks, Wendy!
Thank you for this post / discussion. I wrote this in one of Rebecca's note on friendship, and would like to share it here:
"This reminds me of a book I just read, “3. Une aspiration au dehors”, from Geoffroy de Lagasnerie. It is about how friendship opens up possible worlds beyond family, considered as the standard “life framework” nowadays: editions.flammarion.com/3/9782080420015.
There are some other (fiction and autobiographic) books that have been helping me in my (ongoing) healing journey through FSA and C-PTSD, among them: “Educated” by Tara Westover; “Retour à Reims” by Didier Eribon; poetry by Louise Glouck, Rupi Kaur, David White, and others; “Monsieur Ibrahim et les fleurs du Coran”, by Éric-Emmanuel Schmitt; “Caderno de Memórias Coloniais”, by Isabela Figueiredo; “Narcissus and Goldman”, by Herman Hesse, and some others.
Dear Rebecca. I had no chance to address to you still, (...) but I can’t express how useful and healing and validating and illuminating (so many aha moments!) your work has been to me! I am very grateful, and looking forward to subscribe the community! Thank you!".
On the psychoterapy side, Pete Walker was and is a huge source of help, comfort, validation, to where I always go back. John Bradshaw. And all from Rebecca Mendeville, this by the order I "discovered" them. And all from TCTSY, mostly practicing! 💚.
There is a looong list that I still want to read through... Grateful to all.
Thank you for these additional reading recommendations, Mariana - much appreciated. I am always grateful to hear that my FSA offerings have been helpful and glad you found other meaningful resources as well.
Thank you Rebecca, reading and hearing your work felt like connecting a new piece in my puzzle, by relating topics that I was still missing to understand how they relate and integrate my experience. I am deeply grateful, and never miss every new post! I like how you approach the FSA topic, as well, in the right approach and tone to me. Thank you also for sharing so many valuable information and resources freely, it really makes the difference.
My pleasure! My naming this phenomenon has been helpful to many - Worth all the years of research I did (!)
IT'S NOT YOU By Ramani Durvasula, PhD. I also bought the workbook to go along with it. I am most of the way through and have only dabbled with the workbook - which, I started these after reading Rejected, Shamed & Blamed ;) - and have found these two books powerfully validating!!
I've also found valuable validation from;
- The Emotionally Absent Mother By Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC
- The ACOA Trauma Syndrome - The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships By Tian Dayton, PhD
- The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Honouring The Self, How To Raise Self-Esteem (and more) By Nathaniel Branden
- Disarming The Narcissist By Wendy T. Behary, LCSW
- Emotional Intelligence 2.0 By Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves
- Nonviolent Communication By Marshall Rosenberg
- Polyvagal Theory By Stephen Porges
- Polyvagal Theory for Therapists By Deb Dana, LCSW
- Befriending Your Nervous System By Deb Dana
- The PTSD Workbook By Mary Beth Williams, Ph.D., LCSW, CTS & Soili Poijula., Ph.D
- Healthy Parenting By Janet G. Woititz, ED.D.
- Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook By Arielle Schwartz., PhD.
And more!
I found that most of these books confirmed what I always knew. I want to credit the innate wisdom of my psyche for being on the level that it is and informing me every step of the way that what I was experiencing was NOT ok. I swear, I don't know where the heck it comes from but there are things I 'just know' and have always known, ever since I was a little girl. This knowing (and expressing) both got me into and OUT of trouble! It blows me away, how I KNEW what was crossing a line, how to be compassionate towards myself (and even them, without compromising my value and self-respect) and protect myself. The human psyche is SO MIGHTY!!!! It is beyond measure in it's wisdom and strength, I trust it completely and am beyond grateful for my connection to mine.
I feel sad because I believe that it is this very connection that the people who have done harm are missing in themselves and why they (over)compensate with attempting to control others. I've got what they wish they had and they want it but can't have it, so they attempt to break me from mine. I believe this connection to ourselves is what makes us 'scapegoats'.
I am new to this space and this is my first comment here so, I wanted to say thank you all for sharing your experiences, feelings, insights and resources - I am so grateful to be here in this kindred space.
And a special thank you to you Rebecca for creating it! <3
I am excited for more validating books to add to my collection :)
Thank you, Anneke, for this detailed list. Also, how you describe yourself and your connection to your deeper Self (and the unconscious) is a description I myself could have written, I so strongly related to it all. I address this a bit in the chapter on the Empath in my book; also the chapters on the False Self and the True Self. So glad you found my book and it has been helpful and very glad you are here. Since you are new, I want to make sure you saw this link from my Substack menu on how to access free and paid subscriber features - this will help you find your way around: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/explore-our-community
Phew! I needed that Substack guidance, this is definitely a different space to get used to - thanks for the link Rebecca.
And I really appreciated learning you have had such similar experience to the connection within and to the deeper Self (unconscious). Haha, often times people note that my comments, curiosities etc., are 'deep' but I often internally respond, "Not to me, they're all right here, right at the surface."
And yes, those chapters in your book spoke loudly to me. I have carried a very strong affinity to children, youth, elders, animals, nature etc., due to my high degrees of empathy.
I am glad you protected and nurtured your connection with yourSelf Rebecca, it is bringing great and much needed wisdom and care into the world!
Thank you, Anneke, you are already adding so much to our dialogues here, glad you found your way to our community.
Honestly I’m so old that I like the classic, Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman. It was my Bible when I was recovering from the trauma of sexual abuse. But it isn’t specifically about FSA at all. Just the basics on trauma recovery.
I was just thinking yesterday I needed to add Judith’s book as a recommendation - thanks for this!
Oh awesome!
Great book
"Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists" by Janina Fischer, which Dr. Mandeville already recommends highly and often, has been the best for me.
I utilized it thoroughly and then revisited it as needed until the increments of time in between needing to got bigger and bigger - my personal indicator of recovery.
Love hearing this, Marilyn, thank you. I've had quite a few clients say to me something along the lines of, "I didn't think it was helping me that much when I was first working through it but now it is six months later and I'm in a completely different (better) place!"
One book I’ve read recently that I found really helpful was Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate With a Narcissist and Win by Rebecca Zung, Esq. The author is a family law attorney who, thanks to the territory, has to deal with a lot of narcissists. These are the people who inevitably grind the wheels to a halt, waste other people’s time and money, and use the courts to abuse their victims. Her tactics are designed for legal situations and business negotiations, but her insights into narcissists’ behaviors were very helpful to me. Will it help you stop the scapegoater in the family from lying about you? Probably not. But for me, it did help me see them a bit differently, and I gained real tools for having to deal with them in legal situations. In my experience, a great many, but perhaps not all, scapegoaters are narcissists to some degree, or narcissistic in their behaviors.
Oh, I had forgotten about this one! I was very glad to see Rebecca Zung's book addressing this, it is so needed. Great recommendation, thanks!
Here's three more recommendations for better understanding trauma / healing from trauma: 'Our Polyvagal World: How Safety and Trauma Change Us' by Porges and Porges. Also, 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman - an early voice in the field of trauma treatment. And Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma'.
I’m slowly getting through “Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma “ by Janine Fisher. It has really pinpointed symptoms that I share and it’s been very hard. But also I feel somewhat validated because these symptoms are also with others and it is real. Specific to my experience of child trauma.
Good to hear. I did my complex trauma treatment certification under Dr Fisher and use this workbook with clients in my practice - very effective; we do take it very slow...
Fantastic thread here
Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
I thumbed thru this 2 nights ago while not sleeping...
he claims that those of us who go to 'fight' (flight, freeze, fawn) are narcissists and bullies, which of course, disturbed the heck outta me...but then did some 'research' and found a reddit thread speaking of this very thing...and they speculate that perhaps this Pete Walker isn't completely free from his own C-PTSD
it's not like I don't do the others at times...
another thing *for me*: how about a book that goes PAST all the validating and actually gives us tools to use?...I don't need to know *what* happened to me (us) but HOW to get past it all~
For me the biggest takeaway I got from Walkers book was the concept of triggers and flashbacks. Also the role of mindfulness and attachment in healing: for me those were very useful tools and I didn’t find the book triggering but everyone’s response to material is unique. Several friends I recommended it to have found it invaluable to their healing so I think while it may not be everyone’s cup of tea — and you don’t have to agree with everything in it — it was an invaluable tool for me.
Furies...I totally get what you said about Pete Walker's "fight" type. I had forgotten how triggering it was for me at the time. Just revisited his website and believe that he could have used much kinder words. About books - if they are triggering you in an invalidating way, chuck the book and find something that helps YOU! Rebecca's book: Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed did not evoke these types of responses from me. She is impeccable with her words. BTW, I read somewhere, that Pete Walker admitted that as he still healing and growing and regrets writing some of the things he wrote in his books. At least, he has insight. I do think he needs to update his website to reflect where he's at today.
Sending strength your way!
(thank you, Lise…words matter. energy written…a living transmission, when reflecting truth and greater realities…)
Like you, I strongly disagree with Walker's claim here regarding the 'fight' response. Completely. He does write meaningfully about the 'fawn' response, however. I know he has a C-PTSD workbook, not sure if it is helpful, have not looked at it myself. Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', is very helpful and the one I use in my FSA Recovery practice.
Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving. I had been diagnosed with PTSD and this was the first time I heard of Complex PTSD 2012-2013.
The Body Keeps the Score-Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk
Mother Hunger- Kelly McDaniel
I have to say that whenever I read these types of books I do get triggered. They did however help me face the truth of it all. I did read the Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. She was a brilliant writer! Her son wrote a book too- The True Drama of the Gifted Child. Not a smear campaign about his mother but was amazed at the double life Alice Miller led. As humans we can sometimes deceive ourselves.
I read in other posts here that these types of books can often be very triggering and I agree. Many times I've had to remind myself to take it slowly, give myself time to process. The grief that often floored me was incredibly painful. I have the benefit of a good psychologist to talk to. I also have tools now. I am lucky to be back in Canada. I don't have to pay for therapy. If I had this available when I was living in the US I don't think I would have suffered as long.
My heart goes out to all of you who are fighting your way out of the pit of despair. It takes a lot of courage...sending love and hope!
Hi Lise!
I am also here in Canada and have been without the support of a professional, namely due to financial ability, as I am self-employed. I am curious and if you are comfortable sharing, are you on full benefits with work? And if not, how may I learn to access this degree of care that you have? I wonder if I may be missing some information, that if I have it, could lead me to a fruitful outcome. Though, I often tend to be in situations where I fall through the cracks - story of my life!
The other reason for my not having this vital support is finding someone with the skills/abilities to offer care for this unique experience. I am SO glad you have this care now and are not feeling the pains of enduring a lack anymore.
Also, you have totally intrigued me now re; Alice Miller. Your point about living a double life due to self-deceit really struck a chord with me, as this was what I saw from my mother, whom I would confidently say operates with covert narcissistic behaviors/styles. Thank you for sharing these book titles and insights!
Wishing you fulfillment in your right to wellbeing <3
Hi Anneke,
Another Canadian eh? That's great! Even though you are self-employed you should still be able to access mental health services. Mental health care has nothing to do with your income. Which province do you live in?
Anneke and Lise - Because this is a public post, you two may want to direct message each other to converse more privately. To do so, just click on each other's names where you have commented here and you should see 'Message' in a rectangular box and you can then message each other and not have it be public.
Will do, thanks Rebecca!
That is so helpful. I wasn't sure how to respond while maintaining privacy on both ends.
Yes, I'll have to include this information in the navigation menu link and I'll get something out to the community reminding them how to direct message each other.
Another book I forget to mention but as nobody else has is Primal Scream by Author Janov. It’s more than 50 year sold but to me it seems to be the precursor to parts-therapy that Dr Janina Fisher and Dr Richard Schwartz talk about.
Good one. That reminds me of another book I'd like to recommend, written by some former colleagues I taught with at the Institute of Transpersonal Pscyhology: "The Primal Wound: A Transpersonal View of Trauma, Addiction, and Growth' by Firman and Gila: https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Transpersonal-Philosophy-Psychology/dp/0791432947
It is a great idea to let us share inspiring and supporting books! Thank you, Rebecca!
I start in the seventies, when I came across (in the German speaking area) Alice Miller's
"The Drama of the Gifted Child", "For your own good", "Thou shalt not be aware".
The French victimologist Marie France Hirigoyen's "Stalking the Soul" and all her following publications are worth reading. I discovered the first one around 2010. At the same time Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmailing" as well as the books on HSP by Elaine Aron and others.
Rebecca, your "Rejected, shamed and blamed" ist the work that runs really deep and covers so many aspects out of the scapegoat perspective. Really great and unique for everyone who is ready to accept the truth radically and gain more and more awareness. A great recent discovery for me!
Alice Miller's "For Your Own Good," was quite an eye-opener for me as well.
Also, her book 'The Body Never Lies' - written way before Bessel's 'The Body Keeps the Score'.
Hi Barbara, appreciate the recommendations and am so glad my introductory book on FSA has been helpful. BTW, I now have a foreign rights agent and just sold worldwide Dutch translation rights to a division of Simon & Schuster - Hoping there will be more to come, I've had many requests to get a German translation out since I first published it four years ago.
I am looking forward to the Dutch translation. I so grateful because I hope FSA will get attention en will be recognized in the Netherlands and Belgium.
Thank you so much ❤️
Ik hou van Nederland!! <3 And I hope this recognition comes for you too Karin! Holland is progressive in many things/matters and hopefully this becomes one of them.
You're welcome! I'll announce it here on my Substack when the Dutch translation is released - could be 6 to 18 months, from what I've been told.
I've read many books mentioned earlier and found them helpful, some more than others. I'd add Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson and Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward.
Hi Jelena,
Thanks for these recommendations! They sound like great compliments to a book I've read - The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC., which you might find valuable?
I feel enthusiastic to exploring these new to me titles, thanks again!
I'm sorry for the delayed reply 😔Mothers Who Can't Love was an eye opener, but it's a tough read. I've found Susan Forward's books very helpful
Love all of the participation going on in this free / paid subscriber community thread, thanks everyone. I'll of course recommend my introductory (research and clinically-based / personal experience-based) book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' (Universal Buy Link here - you can access the Amazon Kindle, paperback, and hard cover versions from this link as well - Tantor publications is releasing the Audio Book version next year. A division of Simon & Schuster just secured Dutch translation rights worldwide, with more foreign translations to come): https://books2read.com/intro2fsa // I also encourage those interested in the more 'meta' aspects of scapegoating as a form of energetic violence underlying society for centuries to read the work of philosopher, French historian, and literary critic, Renee Girard. One such book is 'The Scapegoat' (link here): https://www.amazon.com/Scapegoat-Ren%C3%A9-Girard/dp/0801839173
OoooOOOOoooo...I am REALLY intrigued by your recommendation for Renee Girard!
Given that narcissism is based on the Greek story of Narcissus, I personally see that human evolution as a whole, is the microcosmic expression of what we here have experienced on the macrocosmic level.
I am all about spotting patterns and making connections for the purpose of growth and understanding and the human psyche is by far the most fascinating compilation of these variables. I see great value in tracing our current day understandings to our historical and noticing the patterns and connections along the way. Thank you Rebecca for this recommendation, it sounds right up my alley!
Given this, Anneke, you may also want to watch my 2-part video whereby I discuss the meta / micro aspects of energetic 'splitting' (employing a more transpersonal perspective), which fuels much pathology in the human psyche and within human-made systems. Part 2 is linked at the end of part 1 here, and in the video description. I'd like to expand on these ideas here in my next book as well: https://youtu.be/4CFqA0yWPhs
Thank you kindly Rebecca! I am part way through the video and am going to re-watch it, it's certainly offering some helpful insights!
I am actually quite intrigued by the field of transpersonal psychology and would be incredibly grateful for your expansion on this topic in your book! I've experienced many near death moments in my early life but most especially in 2013, all of which have brought the principles of the transpersonal into my life more and more. Do you have awareness for or around NOSC's? (Non-ordinary States of Consciousness). Folks such as Stanislav Grof, Carl Jung, Ken Wilber, etc., have been who I've found helpful to a degree but I think with your expertise in scapegoating I would really value any feedback you have in this area. Do you have a book, author or contributor of some kind in the field of the transpersonal you would recommend?
Yes, Stan Grof was quite involved with my Institute (Institute of Transpersonal of Psychology / ITP), as was Wilber and many others early on. Jung and Maslow would be considered the first transpersonal theorists and Transpersonal Psychology is considered the 4th wave of Psychology, following Behaviorism. I touch on the Transpersonal in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) in the False Self and True Self chapters especially, and would like to expand on this aspect of human experience as it can be an important avenue for healing from FSA and its effects. I have been very involved in the area of non-ordinary states of consciousness - this was a standard field of study at ITP, in fact. Not sure if you are looking for books that are theory focused or more practical in regard to healing but for sure I would recommend my ITP colleagues (Firman and Gila’s) book: Primal Wound: A Transpersonal View of Trauma, Addiction, and Growth https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Transpersonal-Trauma-Addiction/dp/9387496511/
I am a big big fan of the Greek tragedies....the Renee Girard book is a reminder that our ancient past has lessons for our present conditions, politically and interpersonally.
I actually get a lot of comfort from them-thus my screen name- Furies- enacted revenge on those who commit violence against women-I intuit they are the actual remnants of the legendary 'matriarchy' that history denies.
Love this!
I really appreciated your comment, thank you for sharing it 'Furies'! :)
I also just had a thought, do you suppose that that may be where the name Furiosa - from the new Mad Max; Fury Road - is rooted? It would create a whole new understanding for the film if so!
Also, do you note how even the word HIStory holds so much nuance and denial of HERstory? ;) Why isn't it OURstory? His AND Hers?
This topic also reminds me of another book you might appreciate, if you haven't read it yet - The Alphabet Vs. The Goddess by Robert Shlain (rhymes with brain and he was a neuroscientist - HA!). It explores the disappearance of the Goddess in Greek Mythology when communication shifted from image/symbolism to the written word. I found it very powerful and actually one I'd like to re-read, now that some time has passed.
You might appreciate it too, given your interests! https://www.supersummary.com/the-alphabet-versus-the-goddess/summary/
Read it ... long long ago when I was in a community that thrived on intellectual curiosity. (now everyone is an 'individual')
Not sure about 'furiosa' ... who the heck knows...
I had a sense you might have! And, it sounds like that community was pretty special - I would have loved to found something like that!
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma - Bessel Van Der Kolk; I went to Goodreads and just started reading the quotations from the book and was floored, so I bought it. Very dog-eared now, and stayed at the top of the bestseller list forever, so I'm not the only one. The idea that I had to deal with my body first....
Dr. George K. Simon: In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People and Character Disturbance; The essence of these is to turn classical psychology on its head when dealing with Character-disturbed people, a concept related to personality-disturbed people: Classical psych says we all function based on neurosis. He says some people just learn to consciously manipulate because it's advantageous, at its worst, just sadistic. So, we have to approach these people differently. Him breaking this down has really helped with some people I've faced.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life; Sound psychology here, laced with Bible references, but those can be completely ignored
Drama of the Gifted Child - Alice Miller; Easy with this one if it strikes a chord. It was very intense for me. Had to take in small bites.
Healing the Hurting Soul: A Survival Manual for the Black Sheep in Every Family - Louis Wynne; A psychologist critical of the psychiatric industry and its weaknesses - I say this as a child of a psychiatrist who would espouse this to a degree.
Shout out to the website (still available, but now inactive) for the initial "wake-up" call for me: The Invisible Scar: Raising awareness of emotional child abuse and offering hope for adult survivors - https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/
When I think of others, will post
I didn't know 'The Invisible Scar' was now inactive! That was a great site.
Oh, it's still there, she just hasn't written in it since 2021. Maybe I'll change the wording in my entry.
Love your recs! Drama of The Gifted Child seminal for me!
Just ordered a couple of Millers’ books. I find the common referrals leading me there too. Have not heard of this author and her books before.
Thanks! I’ll probably let you know!👍🏼
Miller's book, 'Drama of the Gifted Child', caused quite a sensation when she published it in Europe. I see many people today using her ideas without attribution throughout the 'self help' field. More info' here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_(psychologist)
Thank you - wow, a very complex individual and her own individual works and her son’s book is of great interest to me. I have read since I was a child, of WW2, Holocaust, and always somehow related the war and the horrors, and considered the survivors and the traumas and how that coping or healing affected their children and further generations. And also find her “theories” themselves filling in the gaps or denying outright so much of the traditional analytical concepts and how they influence the cultural opinions and judgements to this day. Sounds very interesting.
You’re in for a treat with Gifted Child.
I just recently learned of Rebecca's groundbreaking work and am fascinated. I'll be reading her book soon. The books listed below helped me on my journey as I tried to escape the FSA after effects even before I understood them.
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb-I haven't read a better book to date.
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron
Memoirs:
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal by Jeannette Winterson
Don't Go Crazy Without Me by Deborah A. Lott
The Chronology of Water by Lydia Yuknavitch
The Part that Burns by Jeannine Ouellette
At Home in this World by Joyce Maynard
Flashback Girl by Lise DeGuire
The Highly Sensitive Person was an important one for me too. A real 'a-ha' moment.
Hi...new here; currently in crisis from a disappointing 'reunion' with adult child raised by my abuser who used the courts to 'punish' me for finally having the courage to leave.
I'm finding these books you speak of, tend to suck me back into the pain/flashbacks and not helpful...right this minute, after 2 weeks of little to no sleep and days long migraines, I sure would love a clue how to pull oneself together while swimming against the tide of all this shame, regret and ANGER that I will never be heard, my story will never be told & I will die in poverty with the reputation as a violent, 'mentally ill' liar.
I DID run into a site while swimming in the muck; a person called 'lisette' - I'm hoping to purchase her book and yours next month--but again; does anyone else find reading these things just further trauma? I need tools to help manage my very big emotions-yesterday I really blew it with open displays of my anger and it scares people...I WANT JUSTICE and need to come to a place where I accept things as they are and not what should have happened in a just world.
No Justice
No Peace
ps other books I have that did not really help is Pete Walkers and "Sexy But Psycho" by Dr. Jessica Taylor
thanks for all those out there sharing their stories-they actually help me the most--I'm not the lone ranger...I wish you all were my neighbors ")
A book that my clients find in general non-triggering is Dr Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Clients'. It is the workbook I used in my practice with clients until I get my own FSA workbook out.
Hi, I do feel for you and have felt as you describe. Pete Walker’s book made me depressed who is perhaps why I can’t remember any of it.
The way I began is:
1) watching VDO’s on inner healing power and mediation such as Marissa Peers and moved a bit into mindfulness and breathing but not enough to make.me bored but until
I was settled and comfortable;
2) watched YouTube VDO’s and many of these that I began with were Rebecca’s - I found that they did not put me back into a trauma and actually put me I a fighting mode and made me feel stronger and able to cope (not sure they were meant to do that but I do feel a fighting spirit in Rebecca’s work);
3) I watched some others on YouTube and read some more but settled on Janina Fisher self help book (She’s also on many l podcasts);
4) I journaled and wrote a huge report on my parents lifelong abuse and sent it to the local police in my hometown. Currently awaiting the outcome.
Appreciate your comment. My focus is on psycho-education on this phenomenon I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my research, which tends to be less triggering (but not always). I did a video on what I call 'scapegoat injustice' that I'm linking you to here. Also, two articles I wrote: One also on scapegoat injustice and the other on radical acceptance as related to healing from the effects of FSA. I've walked this path personally - not just professionally - and many people do find my content helpful, although I don't focus on quick fixes or cookie-cutter recovery suggestions. I do think you might find my book helpful (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) - it is brief, but dense and I offer terms and introduce concepts to describe what for many people has up until now been rather indescribable experiences. 1) Video on scapegoat injustice: https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4 // 2) Article on Scapegoat Injustice here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/06/29/injustices-of-family-scapegoating-fsa/ // 3) Article on radical acceptance: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
Thx...I've read them; I DID get to a place of 'radical acceptance' when I divorced the lot of them 5 1/2 years ago...
but one of 'em came knocking at my door...and I did not recognize the flying monkey
I loved those flying monkeys more than myself~
Trying to get back to that place and I'm so surprised this has all knocked me off my game...
Just 2 years ago I was telling someone that I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my life--it's almost as if this got back to the cult leader and he subsequently sent out orders...
Thanks to everyone here with their list of resources...I've checked out several--some are new to me and look worth exploring...
Oh...and the book I mentioned in an earlier post: "Sexy But Psycho" (unfortunate name imnsho)...by Dr. Jessica Taylor--I picked it up again yesterday and I understand the reason I bought it--she is an indefatigable feminist. I totally relate to that--and the stories she tells of the horrors that are 'family court'...
All the best to the discarded and unloved~
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/radical-acceptance/ perhaps? Good luck.
As the 'identified patient' I am overly familiar with the psych world...intellectually you can know of the 'tools' -I lived thru benzo withdrawal (many don't)-you gotta do the minute by minute thing for as long as it takes to get to the other side--but still got hopelessly stuck this time.
I'm feeling better today; prol 6 hrs of sleep last night much better than zero and 1-2; I just wish those 'tools' that I have used successfully before, failed me this time.
I’m so sorry you had this terrible recent experience. Also sorry you had such a vindictive scapegoater that she was able to punish you through the courts over the years. I agree with Kelly Thompson here in the comments that finding a community where you are supported, like this one, can be very healing.
If it helps you, I’ll share that for me self-help books that were too “on-the-nose” in certain ways were too overwhelming and re-traumatizing on the early part of my journey. Anything that even hinted that there might be anything “wrong” with me, even as a natural consequence of what I’d been through, made me feel torn apart and disoriented. What helped was reading various on-line accounts of other people’s dysfunctional family survival stories, as well as stories of adult-children who were still asking “WTF this is what happened what caused this did it happen to anyone else” type stories. There was safety for me in just reading about what other people had been through (not just me! I’m not the only freak! Oh hey, I’m not a freak!). The other thing was reading various websites about narcissistic mothers and their flying monkeys— the ones written by children of those people, not clinicians (unless the clinician also had a mother like that). So many of these scapegoaters are narcissists that it helped me to read about THEIR disorders, as written by people sympathetic to their victims and not to them. For me, nothing is worse than describing what I want through and having someone say “well try to see it from her point of view and it will hurt less.” or “you just need to forgive her and you will feel better!” Such. Horrible. Advice. Also, seeing my own family members in the descriptions of the disorders was really helpful. It created a safe buffer zone for me to begin to enter my own healing territory. All the very best to you. May you have every blessing.
There's this thing called "Just World Fallacy"...
where if you're poor, sick or unloved, it's what you deserve
It's epidemic in our culture
Ah yes. The Just World Fallacy. People cling to it because it makes the big bad world less terrifying. If bad people get bad things, then people who believe themselves good will be ok. And people who are powerless to retaliate against people who hurt them can feel better by believing that karma will get the bad guys. Comes in handy, too, for the “good” people who don’t want to be inconvenienced by awareness of social injustice. Personally, I’ve always believed that a great deal about this world is upside down and backwards.
Holy poop! I had NO idea that such a fallacy existed and yet, it all adds up now! Guess I have another fun rabbit hole to go down!
I recommend finding a community where you can be supported in these big feelings and get some self regulation tools under your belt. This community Rebecca has is a great start! I had to go slow; one day at a time, sometimes an hour or minute at a time. Community for me was crucial whether it be small group therapy, 12 step, or elsewhere. That’s hard for us black sheep outsiders. You’re not alone!
thx-located a possible meeting
I've been before; the god thing is bothersome but I did find some value there
( during divorce proceedings the ex's liar(oops) *lawyer* said I was going to AA, when actually I was going to Al Anon...family court--who knew lying was OK?? I sure didn't...)
There are a few. Besides Rebecca’s book, I the first I read that dealt with narcissistic abuse was
Sam Vatkin - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited. This is tour de force if you’re new to the topic but if you’re a bit lazy like me, these days I’d listen to his YouTube channel.
Pete Walker is great. Language is flowing, and easy to read but I forget the contents. In fact I don’t remember any of it and I only read it 3 months ago.
Janina Fisher’s work book on trauma recovery and I have another one of hers with cards with quotes.
Nice Hunter’s Abused Boys is also excellent and explains lots of intricate tricks that the dysfunctional family can get up to.
Your book!
2nd is Jay's
My IFS workbook helped.
Cptsd Pete Walker.
Those were the essentials in my healing.
Additional support-
Gabor Mate's books
CPTSD workbook
You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother by Danu Morigan
Adult Survivors of Toxic Families by Sherrie Campbell, PHD
I listened to both in audio format. Both validated my feelings of trauma, my role in my so called FOO and helped me understand how to set boundaries heal and move on - to a life of indifference and calm and bliss (most days lol)
First, Rebecca, your book is groundbreaking and I will be highly recommending it to all my misfit friends and followers in perpetuity! I am so excited for the new dimensions of healing you are opening up for those in and out of recovery. There are no words to express how important your perspective is.
I am inspired by you to do some posts covering this topic: my recovery and the books along the way.
Most of the books I’ll share here are classic and the thing about most of these books is that my understanding and perspective on them has grown and changed over time. We know so much more today yet I think all of these still valuable and at least in my experience they were life changing and core:
The Evolution of My Recovery: Some seminal books
The Road Less Traveled by M.Scott Peck
People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck
The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace (New Hope for Humankind) by M. Scott Peck
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults by Claudia Black
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz
Bradshaw On: The Family
Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. 1990.
Atlas of The Heart - by Brene Brown
Brene’s talks On Vulnerability!
The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham
Yogic Perspective on the 12 Steps by Amrit Desai
Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr
Ishmael by Daniel Quinn (not recovery related per se but helpful!)
Memoirs:
Liar’s Club by Mary Carr
Another Bullshit Night in Suck City: A Memoir by Nick Flynn
Strip by Hannah Sward
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp
Liar: A Memoir by Rob Roberge
Sociopath Next Door (bk 1)
Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door (bk 2) by Dr Martha Stout
I would not have picked up these books because my ignorant definition of “sociopath” was too extreme. But my therapist (who is retired now) knowing my history, thought I would be interested in reading. I did not realize Sociopaths are simply “without conscience” and also unable to love, have empathy, guilt, etc. and it is evidently 1 out of every 25 people. Her writing flows, between examples/stories and information, some stats, etc. has been my most recent and defining read for my recovery.
Waking the Tiger by Peter A Levine. I dip in and out of his books, reading in almost a guided way.
The body keeps the score by Bessel van der kolk. Incredible and so informative. Has moved me to explore somatic movement as well. Plus in my healing, much of the layers of buried emotion has changed my body and the chronic pain that was dx has reduced massively and I am able to address the connections between tension, pain, and fear or anger (example) before they get locked in my body.
Rejected shamed and blamed by Rebecca Mandeville Another defining book for my next step in recovery, to understand the FSA and in my head it stands not only for family scapegoat abuse but also for Family Systems of Abuse. 😉 great book for sure - one of my top favs
The Invisible Life of Addie La Rue by V E Schwab. This is a work of fiction but when I saw Neil Gaiman speak so highly of it I read it. Was a wonderful fictional break that brought up the strength and intention to live my best life despite the darkness that may visit or try to manipulate from time to time. The main character also had the opportunity to start her day fresh every day where no one knew her and she tried various ways to cope and make the best of it. The other character was the “devil” who while possessing the darkness and the evil never fully examined, he had many facets and was charming and appealing as well. Hard to explain but it was a magical thinking book and came just when I needed to read it.
Whole Brain Living by Dr Jill Bolte Taylor. An excellent read and workbook in a way for me to engage all of my brain when it’s triggered. This includes the objective awareness, the hurt inner child, the self compassion in the moment and self care and the spiritual intuitive connection. This Author is a neuro physicist who has recovered from a full stroke and was able to write about her entire experience in her first book which blows MY mind. Is an excellent book I’ve read thru 3 times and read aloud to my husband as we discussed it a 4th time. Also recommended by my therapist.
In an Unspoken Voice dr Peter A Levine
Somatoemotional Release by John Upledger. My 2nd career was massage therapy alongside being a Reiki master. I took some of Uoledgers courses in Cranial Sacral bodywork. He is the founder of the techniques. But what wonderful ways to move trauma thru and out of the body, to help regulate our emotions and heal.
Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb some books are difficult to read until we are ready. I tried this several years ago and had to put it down. But I think I would devour it now. It IS good.
Appreciate this comprehensive list and your including why you are recommending them. Thank you, Ki!
I just can’t just put out a list without it. LOL I appreciate your inviting us to share this here!! Thank you
Bradshaw was my first exposure to Family Systems. I remember watching his PBS series as a young girl in the 1970's and he was using wire coat-hangers he had hooked together as a sort of hanging mobile to show how all the crap trickles down in these dysfunctional families. Made an impression on me, even then. Great recommendations thanks!
I’m adding Wild Mercy by Mirabai Starr as the Divine Feminine is so important!
Kelly, I forgot this one I'd like to recommend, written by some former colleagues I taught with at the Institute of Transpersonal Pscyhology: "The Primal Wound: A Transpersonal View of Trauma, Addiction, and Growth' by Firman and Gila: https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Transpersonal-Philosophy-Psychology/dp/0791432947
Oh wow! This looks like it’s right up my alley. Thanks Rebecca!
You’ll love it - John Firman, one of the authors, was mentored personally by the great Italian theorist / psychoanalyst Roberto Assagioli, a peer of Freud and Jung, who conceptualized a lower / egoic / higher unconscious - the higher unconscious reflecting ‘peak’ states, etc, and the idea of ‘as above, so below’, i.e., peak spiritual experiences can be followed by a descending into deep depression, and vice-versa, but this expansion/contraction/expansion is necessary for psycho-spiritual growth. It is another way to consider ‘parts’ work. BTW, in Psychosynthesis, we have been calling ‘parts’ “Sub-personalities” for decades. I suspect the founder of Internal Family Systems may have been more than a little inspired by Psychosynthesis - just a hunch.
oooOOoooo, okay, this is starting to hit a little closer to home re; NOSC's! I've had 5 experiences that were WELL beyond 'ordinary'. They were like psychedelic trips, without the psychedelics. NO ONE has been able to offer insight as to what the heck I experienced, until now! THANK YOU!
Just for scope, one of these NOSC's had me so euphoric and convulsing, I ended up in the emergency room with the doctor diagnosing me with 'serotonin syndrome' and prescribing me with Adavan, which he forgot to give me. I say thankfully now.
This thread is proving to be a life changing gem of wisdom! <3
The singer Jewel, speaks of her recovery from abuse and her complex ptsd. She also talked about the “expansion and contraction”. If there are others interested in her interview, it’s on you tube. I can find it and post a link.
Ki, feel free to post the link here in this thread if you like.
Beautiful. I touch on that just a bit in tonight's post "God & Sex" ❤️ The expansion/contraction - YES! Necessary, ongoing. Once we recognize the Self, we can begin to surf those waves.
Precisely. And, when one is in a contraction, they can remind themselves they will surely expand again, and there will be even more light / clarity / awareness as a result. As I often say to my clients, it is through this expansion/contraction process that we give birth to (re)new(ed) aspects of s/Self.
Sebastian reminded me of another seminal book “Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller 👏🏼
I am 50 and a therapist recommended that book to me when l was 15!
Hi Stephanie, curious what the impact was on you at that age!
Yes, groundbreaking work.
Hi, I would like to add to the list of books 2 I have read and re-read several times;
1. Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving. I think that's the title regardless he's written a couple of books I truly find helpful.
2. Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel it still makes me cry but I am learning a lot.
And of course Ms. Mandeville's Rejected, Blamed and Shamed has been pivotal in my progression on my journey.
Thank you
One book that really helped me was: Growing up as the scapegoat to narcissistic parents, a guide to healing, By Jay Reid, LPCC in San Francisco, California. He has videos on YouTube as well.
Found him on you tube, thanks
One of my favorites is Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher. Her other books are also very helpful. Pete Walker's Complex Post Traumatic Stress, From Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling, have helped me too. These are not specific to Scapegoating Abuse but address much of what I've suffered and how to heal.
Janina Fisher has a wonderful downloadable pdf on her website titled, Learning to Love Ourselves. It addresses creating relationships with parts.
Good to know about that PDF of Janina's. I have some free worksheets of hers posted on the home page here of my Substack as well. (Janina is who I did my advanced certification with for treating complex trauma, btw, I use her workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma' with my clients).
I appreciate the suggestions. I am new to FSA but not new to recovery groups. I grew up in an alcoholic family. Any recommendations for Adult Children from Alcoholic homes is welcomed.
Hi Fran!
I offered my list above but wanted to pass on to you the book - The ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Trauma Syndrome - The Impact of Childhood Pain on Adult Relationships.
I attempted Alateen when I was 16 y/o but it wasn't a fit for me. Both of my parents have addictions. My mother is covert in her narcissistic behaviour and denies her addiction, whereas my father went to AA meetings and attempted recovery from addiction to both alcohol and drugs - so I appreciated this book. Hope it helps if you haven't already read it!
Thanks!
Fran, I'd like to also recommend this book, written by some former colleagues I taught with at the Institute of Transpersonal Pscyhology: "The Primal Wound: A Transpersonal View of Trauma, Addiction, and Growth' by Firman and Gila: https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Transpersonal-Philosophy-Psychology/dp/0791432947
Thank you! I have been going through the questions again in Rejected Shamed and Blamed starting on page 26. I am trying to actually pinpoint what happened growing up. I have been in recovery for a long time-sober 44 years- but the first time I went through the questions I got tremendous anxiety and overwhelmed. I reacted with some depression and brain fog so put the book down for a while. I can only take it slow and in small bits at the moment. Will be discussing with counselor who recommended your book. The really interesting part is my sibling popped up on the radar and started emailing family stuff. We are respectful and occasionally email but nothing like recently. Life sure is interesting!!
I have gotten that brain fog and anxiety too and am always reminded from my past therapy “to be curious” and try not to get overwhelmed and push it down, because it is that fogginess right before the door of understanding. Things that need to be identified and processed thru. It’s kind of a “flag” to me now that “oh, this is something big that I need to address”. Best to you.
Thanks for your encouragement. I liked how you stated it as being a positive in the journey. I need to remember that.
Being curious is a key aspect to recovery work. Glad you reminded us of this, Ki, thanks.
I see this a lot when working with clients - It is like some energetic signal gets sent out and certain family members pick it up - for better or worse (!) It is good to take my book slow - it is brief, yet dense. Also glad to hear your counselor recommended it, I’m hearing this more and more.
Fran, you might read this book by John Bradshaw - Addresses Family Systems and speaks to adult children's issues as well: https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/
I have ordered this book because the shame aspect is something I have not looked into during my recovery. All this is a deeper dive for me now. Many years I had a friend that mentioned shame to me but I brushed it off at the time.
I use the term ‘toxic shame’ in relation to FSA - Can’t remember if you have my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but I devote a chapter to the subject of toxic shame in it and explain what it is and why it can be so debilitating to FSA adult survivors if it goes unrecognized / unaddressed.
I got your book and working through it.
Thank you!
Al-Anon groups in your area are great ways to meet others suffering from this problem. It's a wonderful way to find support.
I started in Alateen, then Alanon then graduated to AA. I am doing the steps in my small group for the second time and since I don't have a sponsor I opted for a counselor. She recommended FSA. I could not believe how many things applied to me in the book. I have never explored this aspect of my recovery. It is eye-opening and painful all at once but what little I have read made sense to me. It was an AHA moment. I appreciate this group and comments.
Hi Fran, when you say your counselor recommended ‘FSA’, do you mean my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse, ‘Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'? Just curious, thanks!
There are specific 12 step groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics!
Welcome to my Substack and our community of FSA survivors! Hopefully Kelly Thompson (https://substack.com/@kellyblog) will chime in - You may want to subscribe to her Substack here as well, she is a recovery specialist and author: https://thompsonk.substack.com/
🌻🫶🌻Rebecca! I definitely will chime in sometime today.
I would agree with Catalina, your book of course ! Also Matt Haig's The Comfort Book, my brother bought it for me & it was indeed comforting. I was also deeply touched that my fellow black sheep family member had read it himself & he thought it might help me. Thank you Catalina for your recommendations.
Most welcome !😊
Here are a few that have helped me quite a bit:
Jay Reid - Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
Lisa A Romano - The Road Back to Me
Besides your own book, which helped me very much, there are 3 others I would recommend. 2 of them are not specific to scapegoats, but very useful to recover from narcissistic abuse:
Dr. Les CARTER, Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me
Dr. Ramani DURVASULA, It’s not you
Jay REID, Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
Oh there it is! I was looking to see if anyone else had suggested 'IT'S NOT YOU' :) I also got a workbook that goes with it and found it quite helpful. In case you looking to deepen the lessons from the book, I totally recommend it.
I also really appreciate Les' material and didn't know about Jay Reid - thanks for the info Catalina!
Thank you, Brenda, appreciate these suggestions. I also recommend Dr. Janina Fisher’s C-PTSD workbook, ‘Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma’. Curious about the workbook you are getting and would love to get feedback on it; the mind/body connection is so important when addressing any type of trauma as trauma is of course held in the body and within ‘implicit’ (versus ‘explicit’) memory, as Dr. Fisher is so good at explaining.
Good to hear - I will order it this week and read and add to my resource recommendations, thanks, Brenda.