(Public Post): DARVO and Family Scapegoating Abuse

How abusive family members turn the tables on child victims and adult survivors of FSA

Photo by Fatima Shahid on Unsplash

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One of the more baffling and incomprehensible aspects of being scapegoated by family is being the target of mentally and emotionally abusive behaviors; reacting to the abuse appropriately (e.g., expressing hurt, confusion, anger, setting boundaries, etc); and then discovering that the person who committed the harmful or abusive acts views themselves as the victim - not the one they harmed.

Now, that's quite a trick, isn't it? What's even more mind-boggling is that the perpetrator of the abuse frequently gets away with this behavior as they typically have the support of other family members.

Did you know that this ‘trick’ of reversing the victim and offender has a research-based name? Dr. Jennifer Freyd (2021) named this tactic 'Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender', or DARVO. You can read more about DARVO here.

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Introduction to DARVO

DARVO, an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, is a psychological manipulation tactic commonly employed by perpetrators of abusive behavior, especially in situations where they are confronted with their harmful actions. A concept developed by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a psychologist known for her work on betrayal trauma (Betrayal Trauma Theory, or BTT), DARVO is often used by individuals who seek to avoid accountability for their actions, distort reality, and protect themselves from the consequences of their actions.

This article explores the concept of DARVO in depth and applies it to Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA). We will look at how DARVO plays out in FSA situations and examine its effects on the scapegoated individual, which can include the development of complex trauma (C-PTSD) symptoms.

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Understanding DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

Deny

The first step in the DARVO process involves denial. Perpetrators of abuse will outright deny the abuse or misconduct, often insisting that nothing happened or that the event did not occur the way it was described. In a family context, this denial can be seen when the abuser dismisses or downplays the severity of their egregious behavior(s), despite clear evidence that they have caused emotional or physical harm.

Attack

The second stage of DARVO involves attacking the victim. Instead of taking responsibility for their harmful actions, the abuser will often shift the focus onto the victim, accusing them of exaggerating, lying, or having ulterior motives. This attack on the victim’s character and integrity can be particularly damaging, as it leads the victim to question their own experiences, feelings, and perceptions of reality.

Reverse Victim and Offender

The final stage of DARVO is the reversal of roles, where the perpetrator paints themselves as the true victim. In this manipulation tactic, the abuser convinces others—and sometimes themselves—that they are the one who has been wronged. The scapegoated family member, often the individual who is being mistreated, is framed as the offender or troublemaker, thus shifting all blame and responsibility onto them.

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Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)

Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) is a form of emotional abuse where one family member is persistently blamed for the family’s issues, dysfunctions, or problems. The scapegoated individual is typically treated as the “black sheep” of the family, often being accused of causing family tension, making poor decisions, or being the source of emotional pain for others.

Scapegoating is a longstanding family dynamic that can lead to a variety of emotional and psychological issues for the targeted individual, including depression, anxiety, feelings of alienation, and a distorted sense of self-worth. FSA can happen in a variety of ways, including through overt criticism, neglect, exclusion, and gaslighting. You can learn more about this destructive family process by reading my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, or exploring my archives on Substack at https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/archive.

DARVO and Family Scapegoating Abuse

The DARVO manipulation tactic is frequently deployed in situations of family scapegoating. In these contexts, the perpetrator—often a parent, sibling, or another influential family member—uses DARVO to maintain control and deflect attention away from their harmful behavior. This not only intensifies the abuse but also ensures that the scapegoated family member is unable to defend themselves or confront the abuse directly.

Let’s break down how DARVO plays out in an FSA scenario:

1. Denial of Abuse or Wrongdoing

In FSA, the abuser often denies their actions or the impact of their behavior. For example, a parent who has emotionally neglected a child might claim, “I never ignored you; you’re just too sensitive.” They may refuse to acknowledge the child’s experiences, rejecting the idea that any emotional harm was caused.

Similarly, if the scapegoated child tries to bring up mistreatment, the abuser might outright deny that the incidents even occurred or suggest that the child is imagining things. By denying the abuse, the abuser sets the stage for further manipulation.

2. Attacking the Scapegoated Family Member

After denying the abuse, the next phase involves attacking the victim. In the context of FSA, this is commonly seen in the form of personal attacks that aim to undermine the victim’s credibility and character. For instance, the family member may accuse the scapegoated individual of being disrespectful, ungrateful, crazy, imagining things, or overly dramatic.

For example, in an abusive family dynamic, a mother might tell a child, “You’re the reason this family is falling apart. You always cause problems and make everything worse.” This direct attack seeks to deflect any responsibility the family has for dysfunction and shifts the blame entirely onto the FSA victim. The scapegoated person becomes the focus of criticism and may internalize this narrative, doubting their own value and perspective.

3. Reversing Victim and Offender Roles

The most insidious part of DARVO is the reversal of roles, where the abuser positions themselves as the victim. In FSA, this happens when the abusive family member portrays themselves as the injured party, claiming they are being unfairly treated or misunderstood.

For instance, after attacking the scapegoated family member for their perceived flaws, the abuser might say, “I’m just trying to help you, and you never appreciate anything I do. You’re so ungrateful and make me feel like I’m the bad guy!” In this case, the abuser shifts the focus onto their own supposed suffering in an attempt to make the scapegoated individual feel guilty for not being more understanding or appreciative.

This reversal of roles confuses the victim, making them feel as though they are the ones who are in the wrong for pointing out the abuse. In severe cases, the scapegoated person may even start to believe that they are the cause of the family’s dysfunction, further internalizing their ‘assigned’ role of ‘offender’.

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Case Study: Sarah and the DARVO Family Dynamic

Let’s look at a case study to illustrate how DARVO manifests in Family Scapegoating Abuse.

Sarah, a 28-year-old woman, was the youngest of four siblings in a family where her father was severely emotionally neglectful, and her mother was highly critical, destroying Sarah’s sense of self-worth from an early age.

Throughout Sarah’s childhood, she was often blamed for family issues, ranging from financial struggles to disagreements between her parents. Her mother frequently told her, “You’re the reason we can’t have nice things” or “If you’d just stop acting out, things would be better around here.”

As an adult, Sarah began to recognize that the family dynamics were unhealthy and started to distance herself. One day, after Sarah confronted her mother about the years of emotional neglect and criticism, her mother reacted with a classic DARVO response.

• Deny: Her mother denied the accusations, saying, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve always done my best for you.”

• Attack: Next, her mother attacked Sarah’s character, accusing her of being selfish, ungrateful, and dramatic. “You’ve always been so difficult, and now you’re turning this into some big issue.”

• Reverse Victim and Offender: Finally, her mother reversed the roles by portraying herself as the victim. “I’ve done everything for you, and you’re treating me like this? I’m the one who’s been hurt here, not you. You’ve ruined everything!”

This exchange left Sarah feeling confused and emotionally drained. She found herself questioning whether her memories of abuse were accurate and whether she was, in fact, the problem in the family. Over time, she realized that her mother’s response was a textbook example of DARVO, designed to protect the abuser and perpetuate the cycle of scapegoating.

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The Psycho-Emotional Impact of DARVO on FSA Survivors

The psycho-emotional impact of DARVO on survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse is profound. Survivors often experience a range of emotional difficulties, including:

• Self-doubt: The constant manipulation of reality and invalidation of their experiences makes survivors question their own perceptions of events.

• Guilt and shame: The reversal of victim and offender roles often leaves survivors feeling guilty for things they did not do or for standing up for themselves.

• Isolation: The abuser's attack on the victim's character can result in social isolation, as family members may side with the abuser, believing their version of events.

• Complex Trauma: Constant exposure to this manipulative dynamic can lead to symptoms of C-PTSD, including anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional numbness.

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Breaking Free from DARVO and FSA

To heal from DARVO and Family Scapegoating Abuse, survivors must learn to recognize the manipulation tactics used by their abusers. This often involves:

• Establishing Boundaries: Setting clear emotional boundaries with abusive family members is crucial to breaking the cycle of manipulation.

• Therapy and Support: Working with a therapist, especially one experienced in trauma and family dynamics, can help survivors process their experiences and rebuild their sense of self. Joining a supportive community of FSA survivors can also help provide a ‘healing container’ that supports FSA recovery.

• Transcending the Scapegoat Narrative: Survivors must reconnect with their own truth and experiences, refusing to internalize the false narrative that has been imposed on them.

By acknowledging the dynamics of DARVO and working through the emotional fallout of family scapegoating abuse, survivors can begin the long journey of reclaiming their lives, their sense of agency, and healing from the abuse.

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Conclusion

DARVO is a dangerous and manipulative tactic often used in family scapegoating situations to deflect responsibility and maintain control over the scapegoated individual. When applied within families, it results in profound emotional harm, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and long-term trauma for the victim. Understanding the dynamics of DARVO is crucial for survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse as they work to reclaim their lives and heal from the emotional wounds caused by these manipulative tactics.

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Learn More About DARVO

Freyd, J.J. (2021). What Is Darvo? Retrieved January 06, 2022 from http://pages.uoregon.edu/dynamic/jjf/defineDARVO.html.

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