The Struggle to Share: Telling the Truth About Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
Why adult survivors of FSA have difficulty sharing their painful family experiences
Introduction
For adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), sharing their painful experiences of being ‘rejected, shamed, and blamed’ by those who were supposed to love and care for them the most is fraught with emotional turmoil. These individuals often grapple with a profound sense of fear, shame, and the very real risk of being further harmed by family members who have perpetrated the abuse.
Having endured years of manipulation, belittlement, gaslighting, and exclusion driven by dysfunctional or narcissistic family dynamics, survivors often face a painful dilemma when they attempt to speak out as their need to expose the truth of their painful family experiences clashes with the overwhelming fear of retaliation, accusations of defamation, or further alienation. This internal conflict is shaped by complex psychological and social pressures, making it difficult for survivors to find their voice, even in the safest of spaces. This article delves into the deeply painful double bind that FSA survivors experience in regard to sharing what happened to them in their families and includes insights and personal accounts from members of the FSA Education Substack Community.
The Silent Burden of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
“For most people, publishing their first book is a time of excitement and celebration, but for me, it was not. Instead, I found myself experiencing a strange mix of anxiety, uncertainty, confusion, and fear as the publication date of my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, approached. Although I had never written anything about my family-of-origin in my public articles on the systemic phenomenon I had named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA), I had already been the recipient of shockingly inappropriate comments from certain family members on an international Mental Health publication where I wrote regularly about family scapegoating dynamics as a recognized clinical expert. If my public articles could engender comments that, in my opinion, appeared to be designed to publicly shame, discredit, humiliate, and (ultimately) silence me, what type of egregious behavior might my introductory book on FSA provoke?” - Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP
Family Scapegoating Abuse occurs when one family member is singled out, vilified, and blamed for all the family's problems. This form of emotional abuse can be subtle or overt, but the result is the same: the scapegoat is isolated, misunderstood, and made to carry the emotional burden for the family’s dysfunction. Scapegoating often leads to long-term psychological harm, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulties with trust and intimacy in future relationships.
For survivors, the emotional pain is compounded by the complex dynamics that often surround family relationships. Many adult children of abusive families, having endured years of blame and neglect, find it hard to see their family members as anything but hostile or dismissive. The fear of rejection or being disbelieved can make it seem safer to stay silent rather than expose their trauma.
Paid Subscribers: Check out the affirmation that goes with this post:
Link doesn’t work? You can access the above affirmation here: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/fsa-recovery-affirmation-living-in-truth
“In my experience I have felt a certain amount of shame, like my Family-of-Origin experiences were somehow my fault. I've felt very alone for years with nowhere to express my complicated feelings with regards to my FSA experiences. Until you named this behavior, I didn't have the correct terminology to express what happened. I’m very glad for this safe space to express myself as this is a painful subject for myself and others here.” - Paid Subscriber
“I think that a lot of the frustration for people is that they are very unlikely to be believed or heard or understood by their family.” - Paid Subscriber
The Fear of Defamation Accusations
One of the biggest hurdles for survivors is the fear of being accused of defamation should they share the truth of their FSA experiences. After years of being made to feel worthless or unimportant within the family system, a survivor's credibility may already be undermined. In some families, the very act of speaking out is seen as betrayal. This can lead to accusations of slander or defamation, despite the fact that the survivor is only sharing their lived experience.
This fear is often heightened by the fact that families of scapegoaters frequently operate under a culture of secrecy and denial. They may gaslight the victim by invalidating their experiences, claiming they are overreacting, or suggesting they’re simply "making things up." When the victim attempts to share their story, especially in public, they may be met with vehement denials or counterclaims of their own behavior, further isolating them from potential supporters. The idea of being labeled a liar or manipulator is terrifying, especially when the person has been gaslighted or emotionally abused into questioning their own memory and perceptions for years.
Moreover, the family members may have significant social, professional, or financial influence, and they could attempt to wield that power to discredit the survivor publicly. This creates a chilling effect: survivors wonder if they’ll lose their support system, face legal repercussions, or even suffer personal humiliation in front of friends, coworkers, or other family members.
“I still find it hard to share because it used to feel like a crime when I was younger. Even thinking about what happened to me felt wrong – as if someone was monitoring my thoughts and the consequences would follow. The more I learn about my own story, the more I realize that this is also a systemic problem. Sharing was dangerous because I was alone, and most people chose to side with the perpetrators (aka the people with power)… It almost seems like this is how our society works - by displacing shame and guilt. And I think that being part of a community of survivors can make a difference, because scapegoats are usually on their own, without any help or support. That's why being part of this community gives me hope.” - Paid Subscriber
What stops you from sharing the truth of what happened to you in your family? Paid subscribers are invited to share their experiences in our private, paywall-protected Chat space:
The Social Stigma and Isolation
The fear of defamation is not just a personal concern for survivors; it is also a societal one. Survivors of FSA may worry about how the broader community will perceive their claims. In many cases, family members will rally together to protect their image and reputation, and this pressure can make it difficult for the survivor to feel believed or supported.
There’s also the social expectation that families should "stick together," despite toxic behaviors or unresolved conflict. Survivors are often reluctant to speak out because of the societal stigma surrounding family dysfunction. If they come forward, they might be viewed as the "troublemaker" or the "disgruntled" child, which can add to feelings of shame or guilt. In some cases, survivors might fear that friends or even therapists will side with their family, further isolating them.
“Most people resist hearing unexpected, unpleasant facts about their lovely, respectable relatives. They blame the victim for having the bad manners to tell them what they don't want to hear.” - Paid Subscriber
The Personal Consequences of Speaking Out
The emotional toll of remaining silent is profound. Survivors often feel as though they are carrying the weight of their trauma alone, unsure where to turn for support. However, the risks of speaking out can also feel insurmountable. In addition to the fear of being accused of defamation, some survivors fear the emotional cost of further rupturing their already strained relationships. The potential fallout from family members disowning them or escalating the abuse is a very real fear that holds many survivors back.
At the same time, these survivors may worry about inadvertently bringing shame or further harm to other family members, especially younger siblings or relatives who may still be caught up in the family system. This sense of responsibility for others, combined with the emotional scars of abuse, can make the choice to speak out feel deeply conflicted.
“I struggle to share my story publicly because I don’t think I will be believed and I think I will be gaslit. My extended family don’t know that I was physically abused but I now realize there is a lot of inter-generational trauma in the family which has affected everyone. It’s easier for them all to believe that I am at fault in not contacting my family… I strongly believe that nobody from the wider family will believe me because there is safety in numbers, no matter that my story is true. The truth would be too uncomfortable for them all to admit to.” - Paid Subscriber
The Importance of Safe Spaces and Validation
While the barriers to speaking out are significant, there are ways to support adult survivors of FSA. One of the most crucial aspects is creating safe, non-judgmental spaces for survivors to share their stories. Whether through therapy, support groups, or private conversations with trusted individuals, validation is essential for helping survivors process their emotions and reclaim their voice.
In these supportive environments, survivors can speak freely without the fear of retaliation or defamation. Encouragement from compassionate listeners who validate the survivor’s experience can help them regain their self-worth and build the strength to take their story to broader audiences, if they choose to do so.
Ultimately, survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse need to know that their experiences are valid, and they have the right to share their story—without the threat of being silenced or smeared. Recognizing the psychological and societal factors that contribute to their hesitation to speak out is the first step toward creating a more supportive environment where these survivors can heal and, when they are ready, share the truth of their FSA experiences with the world. For these survivors, the journey is long and often painful, but it is important to remember that they are not alone, and their voice deserves to be heard.
Below are more comments from my paid subscriber community addressing why they hesitate to share their painful family experiences. I encourage you to take a few moments to read what, for many, took tremendous courage for them to share, even within our paywall-protected Chat space:
“I have shared my story but it has gone badly with some people not believing me and siding with the abuser and commencing bullying on my abuser's behalf. Others have believed me (usually people who have some professional background in mental health or child abuse, as they seem to have had the rose colored glasses that mothers can't be abusive removed through their professional work)… I absolutely went through the devastating confirmation of lifetime threats of "no one will believe you and you'll be the one punished" for telling, which was a betrayal at a societal level for me.” - Paid Subscriber
“One of the worst experiences is to suffer alone. Regardless of public reaction, we must share our stories for the much needed validation it offers other survivors. If we can give others the courage to speak out, then we have a chance to finally shine a light on this terrible form of abuse that destroys lives in ways physical abuse does not. Only through public awareness can we hope to stop this travesty that is perpetrated in the name of love and family.” - Paid Subscriber
“Every time I speak up....the FSA voices and words echo back in my brain. Like an ingrained knee jerk that comes with shame - about being THE BAD ONE, THE REASON FOR EVERYTHING BAD. Like there's loop tapes that get "pressed play" when I am happy, or speak up, or fight back. And this internal toxic loop shows up randomly...like when I don't know I'm triggered but, my brain does. ....I used to share these thoughts with my siblings and they shamed me for it....."for gods sake let it go", "lots of people had it worse", "you're a liar". .....Rebecca's book, affirmations, YouTube channel, writings and this community about FSA are a beacon.....of hope and truth. I am walking towards that beacon....” - Paid Subscriber
“I plan to share my scapegoating 'story' on my Substack. I need to do so because since posting here I have realized that I need to have a 'voice'. Since I was scapegoated from birth, I have never had a voice, so it took me a while to realize I need one.I do not post under my real name, and the locations I will use will not be exact. Although not the type of people likely to be using Substack, I'm not worried if family of origin do find me as they are not really people of consequence. Also, they (siblings at least) are now quite elderly. They also might learn from it as they are convinced there is a lot wrong with me - I communicate well in writing, but much less so verbally due to the FSA.” - Paid Subscriber
“Am I anxious about sharing my scapegoating experience? Without a doubt…Like some others here, I write anonymously in hopes that any remaining family members will not recognize me. The impacts of intergenerational trauma run deep in my family of origin, and that trauma affected many other families with similar backgrounds, but it is not widely accepted or properly dealt with. I know that intergenerational trauma was a huge catalyst for the pain and dysfunction and scapegoating in my family, and that it shouldn’t define me and I shouldn’t take it personally. I told my father at some point that the trauma in our family stops with me.” - Paid Subscriber
“To be honest Im no longer anxious what others think. Maybe I’m fooling myself but I’m writing it publicly on Facebook too, so perhaps I’m not. I have no need of people’s validation who are not open minded enough to hear. I have spent my entire life trying to get free…when the whole family punishes you for trying to be who you are… it no easy task.” - Paid Subscriber
“For me it has been difficult to share the FSA - and the abuse from those who were supposed to be safe and loving. The reactions from friends when I shared - the lack of follow up questions, lack of empathy, the look in their eyes. Maybe fear? Can someone be so cruel to a small child? And my inner voice telling me that "there must be something wrong with me - since I ended up the family scapegoat". I had to heal the abuse, then the voice got silent. I had to believe the extent of the abuse myself - that is was so cruel. How damaged it made me. How it affected my children, my work life, my relationships. I had to heal before I could share openly to friends, extended family and public. I also had to heal from the lack of support from people I considered close, and several friendships died. Part of the healing was to share in the FSA community on Substack. To get the love and support from a safe community. Now I can share my story without needing a certain type of response. But I notice who is safe and who is not, and only safe people have a place in my inner circle.” - Paid Subscriber
I share the fears and worries expressed here, and I am grateful to all who spoke their truths. The unspoken and unnamed in my own life has taken up enormous psychic space even before I had words for it. It’s like an electronic fence for a pet - it has kept me confined to a lie that robbed so much of my potential. The conversations here name our reality. And that is a path to belongingness, healing that seemingly unhealable hole inside.
I shared with words which will not suffice to say thank you Rebecca. This one has me crying.
And explains the difficulty in getting my scapegoat essay published. A personal narrative not sufficiently sanitized…it is difficult to write but even more difficult to read. I WILL get this written to my satisfaction and published even if only on my SStack. But even as I read this Rebecca I heard the voices shaming me - I must be crazy or too sensitive or exaggerating or lying. The worst for me was not overt. It was the unspoken dynamic I can’t find words for - the unconscious projective identification that you name. Thank you for the words, the language. We could never fully exist before them, you see. When one is unseen, unheard, unknown it is like a living death.