Yes, it is. But one day we wake up and see things as they really are. Truth is truth. Facts are facts. I no longer feel shame, fear, or anxiety when sharing truth and facts about my life, and I hope that this will one day be true for you (and others here impacted by FSA) as well.
I share the fears and worries expressed here, and I am grateful to all who spoke their truths. The unspoken and unnamed in my own life has taken up enormous psychic space even before I had words for it. It’s like an electronic fence for a pet - it has kept me confined to a lie that robbed so much of my potential. The conversations here name our reality. And that is a path to belongingness, healing that seemingly unhealable hole inside.
The electric fence that kept you confined has kept me confined as well and robbed me of so much potential. And then to have the fingers pointing even for that! Look at you! What happened to all those dreams you had? All those things you said you were going to do. And what have you done? Ha! Look at you. Lazy. Liar. Waste! They have no idea of the depth of what they've done to our self esteem, our confidence and our drive. Even I had no idea that I wasn't Lazy. Liar. Waste. Until I started hearing all of your stories. Understanding Rebecca's research. Im beginning to understand that I am none of those things. Also a little angry at the wasted time. Time I can never get back. 🤦♀️ I just reread this before sending and I hear their voices... look at her blaming us for her own problems! Always the victim. Nothing's ever her fault!
Yes, Carol - one day these voices WILL be silent. Not sure if you saw my video on scapegoat injustice and what I call 'righteous rage' but this may be a time to take a look at it, if you haven't. https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4
You're welcome, June. It is a joy and a privilege to share my knowledge and experiences of FSA in our community, and I learn so much from all of you here as well.
I shared with words which will not suffice to say thank you Rebecca. This one has me crying.
And explains the difficulty in getting my scapegoat essay published. A personal narrative not sufficiently sanitized…it is difficult to write but even more difficult to read. I WILL get this written to my satisfaction and published even if only on my SStack. But even as I read this Rebecca I heard the voices shaming me - I must be crazy or too sensitive or exaggerating or lying. The worst for me was not overt. It was the unspoken dynamic I can’t find words for - the unconscious projective identification that you name. Thank you for the words, the language. We could never fully exist before them, you see. When one is unseen, unheard, unknown it is like a living death.
Oooh, that is a very apt analogy, Jaye. Not only like clawing our way out of the living grave, but some family members are standing over you with a shovel, trying to beat you back down into the crypt!
For so many of us, this false, distorted narrative was something we were indoctrinated and conditioned into from early childhood on. It is woven into the fabric of our self-identity. It takes time to recognize it, and then it takes time to separate the wheat from the chaff, i.e., we must separate the truth of our identities from the false narratives imposed upon us via the phenomenon of FSA.
You're welcome, Kelly, your comment here deeply moved me. Your last sentence says it all. Knowing I have helped a bit with my FSA research and content to help survivors of this most insidious form of 'invisible' systemic abuse feel seen, heard, known, and validated means everything to me. This gift was given to me many years ago by someone who is no longer with us and it changed my life in ways I am still realizing. I hope that my work will do the same for many here.
Oh man! Yes. This ➡️ "When one is unseen unheard unknown it is like a living death."
Strangely relieved I'm not alone. Painful to wrap around how many others of us there really are. Crying. Alive only because we're inhaling. Exhaling. Our hearts beat. Other than that. Nothing. More tears. Never enough Kleenex.
I've heard from (and interviewed as part of my research over the past 15 years) thousands of FSA survivors, Carol. There are many of us, and it is time that our stories be heard. Including yours! Glad you're here.
Yes. Unspoken words, a living death and no one hears your dying. Our suffering is silent to them. I was loud, rebellious and pointed out the elephant in the room, painted it, rode on it, and no one saw it. I liken my childhood pain to Norwegian artist Edvard Munch's painting, "The Scream". The painting depicts an open mouth and face of horror with hands over the ears. The scream goes on and on. I had that painting in my first apartment. I think my mother complained that it would scare my toddler. Funny, my pain from my parents' narcissistic abuse/emotional neglect never moved her, but it did scar me.
I also identify with Munch's 'The Scream' - and for the same reasons. How hard so many of us here have had to fight for a right to exist as ourselves - Something not tolerated in these families that would rather sacrifice / destroy one of their own rather than listen, feel, and heal.
Reading this brought to mind the saying "sunshine is the best disinfectant."
One thing that I was thinking about as I read through, this was the fear that other people who have no experience with family dysfunction, might come to the conclusion that I must've had some contribution to the FSA dynamic.
I have found that this is true regarding many difficult experiences people may have in their lives. When they try to share with others, who have absolutely no experience in abusive experiences, they will conclude that you must have "done something."
FSA abuse trains us to believe that we are defective, at fault for our own rejection and abuse. So talking about it with others can bring up the same fear. That you not only won't be understood, but worse: that the person you are sharing it with will think there must be something wrong with you. And part of that will be concluding that you had a part in it.
Yes, this is a painful reality that we FSA survivors live with. Some people are open to being educated. Others, not so much. With wisdom and discernment, we learn who can respond with appropriate concern and empathy, and who cannot.
Thank you Rebecca, an excellent article covering how scary and painful it is to share experiences of FSA. The added comments from those with lived experience are so profound.
My daughter asked me about friends I don't see so much anymore and the answer really came back to my FSA. Too often when I'd try to explain why my family doesn't speak to me or why I wasn't invited to the huge gala, I'd often be told... just give your family some time and they'll come around and see you. Just keep doing what you need to do and they can't have anything bad to say! My "friends" could not hear me, so I finally stopped sharing. How awful to be told over and over again that if I didn't do anything wrong they couldn't have anything bad to say about me. Most people can not begin to wrap around the fact that our being shamed and abused doesn't stem from any actual things we've done to deserve it. So tired of being told that I must not be telling the whole truth or I'm in denial of the wrongs I've done and I'll never get well if I don't face the things I've done and make them right, apologize, etc. I found myself feeling dirty almost like I really WAS telling a lie because I realized how unfair and unbelievable my very true stories actually sounded. To share or not to share? That is the question! 🤦♀️
This is why, in my personal and professional opinion, what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) is one of the worst forms of abuse one can experience. We don't grill and question domestic abuse survivors. We don't encourage them to give the spouse that beats them "another chance," nor do we assume it is their fault. What you describe is what so many FSA survivors experience and it falls under the category of 'traumatic invalidation', which I speak about here: https://youtu.be/8BQ5Vrarp1g
Because of this fine work and insight from Ms. Rebecca I am mending the holes 🕳️ in my soul and will walk through all of it to my true self who can shine bright and light the path for another - it’s brutal and mind blowing but there is recovery to Recover ME - Ty namaste many blessings always M❤️
The process of extreme invalidation from my siblings, has become in the last few months after much denial on my part , except that it was resulting in me having physical pain trigerred by their actions and also verging on a 4th mental breakdown with all the terrrifing symptoms surfacing which originally surfaced in relation to childhood trauma, , which is when I found this group. FSA wasat first a source of fascination and shock to me .I am being force to entirely rephrame words like anger, forgiveness and my religious views in relation to it so its extremely unsettling and questioning my own beliefs deeply .
Slowly emerging out of this I am starting to accept that there are many level of forgiveness and each level is only appropriate to certain situations...its not appropriate to project one level of fgiveness onto a situation where it will invalidate oneself, the same with anger . If one tells the truth to ones family, and there is naturally ange after so many years of repressing it, at first , the anger does not so much matter as the intention. And my intention is simple, I want to be able to share to repair and bring to resolution, not to put my family in some kind of purgatory..but this means sharing, because of the dysfunctional behaviour we all grew up, years of self reflection and therapy
As one goes through that process ones emotional awareness grows, and the ability to find deeper connection also grows . however when a family has basically stayed at a certain level of repression one is talking to people who do not have the tools to listen . tools they would have found either in therapy or intense self reflection and questioning what they childhood so dysfuctional left them to be.
So what one has matured into terms of emotional connection and what they have stayed behind as, are at too far apart to meet. its natural for those that have convinced themselves that dysfunctional ways of relating, dismissiveness , changing the subject, with holding emotional communication, are normal
And so we are forced in the main to talk to people who HAVE questioned the dysfunction or narcissim in the family,
Other wise talking to ones family and try to have an open discussion bringing all the years of trauma and poor behaviour to some healing is like a tennis play trying to have match with high jumper, or chess player trying to have a match with a mechanic.
Profoundly insightful and wise comment, Mike - and I know your wisdom was hard earned. You hit so many important truths about the double binds FSA survivors find themselves in as they begin to heal, wake up to hard truths and facts, and recovery.
I have only experienced family scapegoating as an adult, and only at the hands on my in-laws. I say “only” because even though I was a fully formed human with a relatively healthy and loving family of origin, I still felt many of the things you speak about in this article Rebecca. Silenced, blamed, shamed, dismissed, rejected. I would try to explain what was happening and well meaning loved ones would advise me to “kill them with kindness” or “take the high road” or tell me that I was not the only one to go through something like this - it was so common, you see. Perhaps the scapegoating of daughter-in-laws is common practice. That doesn’t make the impact any less harmful. I have literally had my reality questioned, my parenting undermined, my privacy repeatedly invaded, my autonomy stomped on, my marriage threatened and undermined - in short, I have had rank disrespect thrown my way since day 1. And when I have tried to set boundaries, those boundaries have been painted as aggression and punishment with the entire family ganging up on me to label me the cruel villain.
I cannot imagine what that feels like for a child. I cannot imagine what it does. It’s a hundred times worse.
Thank you for helping me see and name the patterns of behavior I have experienced with my in-laws. And thank you for giving me the courage to write about it.
You're welcome, Claire. The eloquence of your comment is only exceeded by the profound truth of it. So I think you in return and am so very grateful that we were connected here on Substack.
First time I've ever shared the sort of treatment I've had to deal with from scapegoating family members in regard to my FSA work. It felt so wonderfully freeing I'm sure there will be more to come. And I don't really give a crap what comes of it. Like most of us here, I've been silent long enough.
And what's the cross-over point between "FSA" and the far more insidious and soul-destroying ritual abuse mind control which perpertrating families will never allow their victims to leave without endless blame, guilt and harassment?
Yes, it is. But one day we wake up and see things as they really are. Truth is truth. Facts are facts. I no longer feel shame, fear, or anxiety when sharing truth and facts about my life, and I hope that this will one day be true for you (and others here impacted by FSA) as well.
I share the fears and worries expressed here, and I am grateful to all who spoke their truths. The unspoken and unnamed in my own life has taken up enormous psychic space even before I had words for it. It’s like an electronic fence for a pet - it has kept me confined to a lie that robbed so much of my potential. The conversations here name our reality. And that is a path to belongingness, healing that seemingly unhealable hole inside.
That is a brilliant analogy, Melanie - the electric fence - thank you.
Perfectly said. 😢
The electric fence that kept you confined has kept me confined as well and robbed me of so much potential. And then to have the fingers pointing even for that! Look at you! What happened to all those dreams you had? All those things you said you were going to do. And what have you done? Ha! Look at you. Lazy. Liar. Waste! They have no idea of the depth of what they've done to our self esteem, our confidence and our drive. Even I had no idea that I wasn't Lazy. Liar. Waste. Until I started hearing all of your stories. Understanding Rebecca's research. Im beginning to understand that I am none of those things. Also a little angry at the wasted time. Time I can never get back. 🤦♀️ I just reread this before sending and I hear their voices... look at her blaming us for her own problems! Always the victim. Nothing's ever her fault!
One day the voices will be silent.
They're quieter than they used to be anyway!
Yes, Carol - one day these voices WILL be silent. Not sure if you saw my video on scapegoat injustice and what I call 'righteous rage' but this may be a time to take a look at it, if you haven't. https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4
Thank you for this incredible offering, you give so much, it is deeply appreciated.
You're welcome, June. It is a joy and a privilege to share my knowledge and experiences of FSA in our community, and I learn so much from all of you here as well.
I shared with words which will not suffice to say thank you Rebecca. This one has me crying.
And explains the difficulty in getting my scapegoat essay published. A personal narrative not sufficiently sanitized…it is difficult to write but even more difficult to read. I WILL get this written to my satisfaction and published even if only on my SStack. But even as I read this Rebecca I heard the voices shaming me - I must be crazy or too sensitive or exaggerating or lying. The worst for me was not overt. It was the unspoken dynamic I can’t find words for - the unconscious projective identification that you name. Thank you for the words, the language. We could never fully exist before them, you see. When one is unseen, unheard, unknown it is like a living death.
🫶😘
That is so perfect a metaphor. Spot on.
Oooh, that is a very apt analogy, Jaye. Not only like clawing our way out of the living grave, but some family members are standing over you with a shovel, trying to beat you back down into the crypt!
Living my life unseen, unheard, and unknown. Why it's so incredibly difficult to get out from under the gravitational pull of the fsa narrative.
The narrative becomes how you know yourself, what you believe defines you.
Yes!!!!! 😭
For so many of us, this false, distorted narrative was something we were indoctrinated and conditioned into from early childhood on. It is woven into the fabric of our self-identity. It takes time to recognize it, and then it takes time to separate the wheat from the chaff, i.e., we must separate the truth of our identities from the false narratives imposed upon us via the phenomenon of FSA.
You're welcome, Kelly, your comment here deeply moved me. Your last sentence says it all. Knowing I have helped a bit with my FSA research and content to help survivors of this most insidious form of 'invisible' systemic abuse feel seen, heard, known, and validated means everything to me. This gift was given to me many years ago by someone who is no longer with us and it changed my life in ways I am still realizing. I hope that my work will do the same for many here.
Bawling.
Oh man! Yes. This ➡️ "When one is unseen unheard unknown it is like a living death."
Strangely relieved I'm not alone. Painful to wrap around how many others of us there really are. Crying. Alive only because we're inhaling. Exhaling. Our hearts beat. Other than that. Nothing. More tears. Never enough Kleenex.
I've heard from (and interviewed as part of my research over the past 15 years) thousands of FSA survivors, Carol. There are many of us, and it is time that our stories be heard. Including yours! Glad you're here.
Yes. Unspoken words, a living death and no one hears your dying. Our suffering is silent to them. I was loud, rebellious and pointed out the elephant in the room, painted it, rode on it, and no one saw it. I liken my childhood pain to Norwegian artist Edvard Munch's painting, "The Scream". The painting depicts an open mouth and face of horror with hands over the ears. The scream goes on and on. I had that painting in my first apartment. I think my mother complained that it would scare my toddler. Funny, my pain from my parents' narcissistic abuse/emotional neglect never moved her, but it did scar me.
I also identify with Munch's 'The Scream' - and for the same reasons. How hard so many of us here have had to fight for a right to exist as ourselves - Something not tolerated in these families that would rather sacrifice / destroy one of their own rather than listen, feel, and heal.
Reading this brought to mind the saying "sunshine is the best disinfectant."
One thing that I was thinking about as I read through, this was the fear that other people who have no experience with family dysfunction, might come to the conclusion that I must've had some contribution to the FSA dynamic.
I have found that this is true regarding many difficult experiences people may have in their lives. When they try to share with others, who have absolutely no experience in abusive experiences, they will conclude that you must have "done something."
FSA abuse trains us to believe that we are defective, at fault for our own rejection and abuse. So talking about it with others can bring up the same fear. That you not only won't be understood, but worse: that the person you are sharing it with will think there must be something wrong with you. And part of that will be concluding that you had a part in it.
Yes, this is a painful reality that we FSA survivors live with. Some people are open to being educated. Others, not so much. With wisdom and discernment, we learn who can respond with appropriate concern and empathy, and who cannot.
Thank you Rebecca, an excellent article covering how scary and painful it is to share experiences of FSA. The added comments from those with lived experience are so profound.
You're welcome, Rosalee - glad you took the time to read the comments, each voice is important.
What a beautiful photo 😍
My daughter asked me about friends I don't see so much anymore and the answer really came back to my FSA. Too often when I'd try to explain why my family doesn't speak to me or why I wasn't invited to the huge gala, I'd often be told... just give your family some time and they'll come around and see you. Just keep doing what you need to do and they can't have anything bad to say! My "friends" could not hear me, so I finally stopped sharing. How awful to be told over and over again that if I didn't do anything wrong they couldn't have anything bad to say about me. Most people can not begin to wrap around the fact that our being shamed and abused doesn't stem from any actual things we've done to deserve it. So tired of being told that I must not be telling the whole truth or I'm in denial of the wrongs I've done and I'll never get well if I don't face the things I've done and make them right, apologize, etc. I found myself feeling dirty almost like I really WAS telling a lie because I realized how unfair and unbelievable my very true stories actually sounded. To share or not to share? That is the question! 🤦♀️
This is why, in my personal and professional opinion, what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) is one of the worst forms of abuse one can experience. We don't grill and question domestic abuse survivors. We don't encourage them to give the spouse that beats them "another chance," nor do we assume it is their fault. What you describe is what so many FSA survivors experience and it falls under the category of 'traumatic invalidation', which I speak about here: https://youtu.be/8BQ5Vrarp1g
Because of this fine work and insight from Ms. Rebecca I am mending the holes 🕳️ in my soul and will walk through all of it to my true self who can shine bright and light the path for another - it’s brutal and mind blowing but there is recovery to Recover ME - Ty namaste many blessings always M❤️
Beautiful, Mosis - Namaste.
The process of extreme invalidation from my siblings, has become in the last few months after much denial on my part , except that it was resulting in me having physical pain trigerred by their actions and also verging on a 4th mental breakdown with all the terrrifing symptoms surfacing which originally surfaced in relation to childhood trauma, , which is when I found this group. FSA wasat first a source of fascination and shock to me .I am being force to entirely rephrame words like anger, forgiveness and my religious views in relation to it so its extremely unsettling and questioning my own beliefs deeply .
Slowly emerging out of this I am starting to accept that there are many level of forgiveness and each level is only appropriate to certain situations...its not appropriate to project one level of fgiveness onto a situation where it will invalidate oneself, the same with anger . If one tells the truth to ones family, and there is naturally ange after so many years of repressing it, at first , the anger does not so much matter as the intention. And my intention is simple, I want to be able to share to repair and bring to resolution, not to put my family in some kind of purgatory..but this means sharing, because of the dysfunctional behaviour we all grew up, years of self reflection and therapy
As one goes through that process ones emotional awareness grows, and the ability to find deeper connection also grows . however when a family has basically stayed at a certain level of repression one is talking to people who do not have the tools to listen . tools they would have found either in therapy or intense self reflection and questioning what they childhood so dysfuctional left them to be.
So what one has matured into terms of emotional connection and what they have stayed behind as, are at too far apart to meet. its natural for those that have convinced themselves that dysfunctional ways of relating, dismissiveness , changing the subject, with holding emotional communication, are normal
And so we are forced in the main to talk to people who HAVE questioned the dysfunction or narcissim in the family,
Other wise talking to ones family and try to have an open discussion bringing all the years of trauma and poor behaviour to some healing is like a tennis play trying to have match with high jumper, or chess player trying to have a match with a mechanic.
Profoundly insightful and wise comment, Mike - and I know your wisdom was hard earned. You hit so many important truths about the double binds FSA survivors find themselves in as they begin to heal, wake up to hard truths and facts, and recovery.
I'm not sure if you saw one of my earlier posts here on radical acceptance versus forgiveness - and why it is more trauma informed to focus on the former when working with abuse survivors - but here's the link, in case you missed it: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in
thanks so much Im sure that will help rebecca .much appreciated
I have only experienced family scapegoating as an adult, and only at the hands on my in-laws. I say “only” because even though I was a fully formed human with a relatively healthy and loving family of origin, I still felt many of the things you speak about in this article Rebecca. Silenced, blamed, shamed, dismissed, rejected. I would try to explain what was happening and well meaning loved ones would advise me to “kill them with kindness” or “take the high road” or tell me that I was not the only one to go through something like this - it was so common, you see. Perhaps the scapegoating of daughter-in-laws is common practice. That doesn’t make the impact any less harmful. I have literally had my reality questioned, my parenting undermined, my privacy repeatedly invaded, my autonomy stomped on, my marriage threatened and undermined - in short, I have had rank disrespect thrown my way since day 1. And when I have tried to set boundaries, those boundaries have been painted as aggression and punishment with the entire family ganging up on me to label me the cruel villain.
I cannot imagine what that feels like for a child. I cannot imagine what it does. It’s a hundred times worse.
Thank you for helping me see and name the patterns of behavior I have experienced with my in-laws. And thank you for giving me the courage to write about it.
You're welcome, Claire. The eloquence of your comment is only exceeded by the profound truth of it. So I think you in return and am so very grateful that we were connected here on Substack.
👌 and thank you for sharing your personal struggles when publishing your book 🙏. Together we are strong 🌿
First time I've ever shared the sort of treatment I've had to deal with from scapegoating family members in regard to my FSA work. It felt so wonderfully freeing I'm sure there will be more to come. And I don't really give a crap what comes of it. Like most of us here, I've been silent long enough.
Yes, yes, yes Rebecca 👌. I feel this - I feel the same way. It is so liberating to speak the truth 🌿
And what's the cross-over point between "FSA" and the far more insidious and soul-destroying ritual abuse mind control which perpertrating families will never allow their victims to leave without endless blame, guilt and harassment?
Early childhood conditioning into false narratives and covert control.