(Public Post): Radical Acceptance and its Role in Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) Recovery

Healing From FSA: The Power of Accepting What IS...

Summary: This article explains the concept of radical acceptance in trauma treatment and its relevance to recovering from Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA). It provides clear distinctions between forgiveness and radical acceptance and offers thought-provoking questions for readers to consider. The article also emphasizes the importance of accepting painful truths as part of the healing process. Note: This article was first published on my website scapegoatrecovery.com on November 5, 2023 and has been revised and updated.

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Radical Acceptance in Trauma Treatment

Those of you who have read my introductory guide on Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, may remember that I briefly discussed the benefits of adult survivors cultivating an "attitude of radical acceptance" when recovering from FSA and its traumatizing effects.

I was first introduced to the concept of radical acceptance via the work of Carl Rogers (one of the founders of Humanistic Psychology), who theorized that accepting one’s situation is the first step to change.

Some time later, I discovered that 'radical acceptance' is also prominently featured in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and is used in the treatment of Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Within the DBT framework, radical acceptance is viewed as the act of opening your mind to accept that an event happened to you.

Over time, as my clinical practice began to focus more on the treatment of traumatized adult survivors of child abuse, I began to incorporate 'radical acceptance' into my psychotherapy and coaching practices with clients who presented with PTSD or complex trauma (C-PTSD) symptoms. (You can learn more about FSA and the importance of treating complex trauma by reading my article here.)

The Power of Accepting What Is

When I think of the term 'radical acceptance', I remember a story I heard years ago about a Sage and their student. It goes as follows:

A student had been studying with a Sage for many years, but the experience of 'enlightenment' he was earnestly seeking continued to elude him.

One day, the student had (in his mind) a profound realization. He ran to see his Master, exclaiming with excitement: "Master! At last I have surrendered! I accept everything - ALL of reality - JUST AS IT IS!"

The Master looked at their student with a slight smile, and then softly replied: "I see. But tell me: What choice did you ever really have?"

(Anonymous)

When working with FSA adult survivors as a clinician or coach, I am aware of the many painful realities that need to be fully digested and accepted as part of the FSA healing process. For example, when a client tells me that they struggle with rumination, I know that they may benefit from learning about - and applying - the concept of radical acceptance to support their healing and recovery process.

Specifically: When I hear that a survivor of FSA is struggling with rumination (e.g., repetitive, intrusive thoughts that typically begin with, "How could they have..."; "What if I had..."; "Maybe they will..."; "I can't believe that they..."; "They're all so..."; "I'll never accept that..."; "It's not fair that..."; etc.), I know that they are (understandably) struggling to accept the devastating realities associated with family scapegoating abuse and the injustices and pain experienced in their dysfunctional or narcissistic family system. Some clients wonder if “forgiving” family members for harms done will help reduce excessive rumination.

Forgiveness Versus Radical Acceptance

I find that the terms 'forgiveness' and 'radical acceptance' are often viewed as being synonymous. However, they are actually very different concepts. Forgiveness is an act of reconciliation with another, while the process of radical acceptance is individual and personal.

Forcing the idea of forgiveness on any type of abuse survivor is inherently not trauma-informed. Although there is research indicating that forgiveness can positively impact one's psycho-emotional health, few studies address forgiveness and its impact on trauma survivors. As a trauma-informed psychotherapist, it is my role to assist my clients who bring up the subject of forgiveness in exploring whether or not forgiving family members for harms done will benefit their recovery at this particular time.

Issues related to forgiveness that I invite my FSA-impacted clients to consider include:

1. "Am I forgiving this person to benefit myself - or them?"

2. "By forgiving this person, am I diminishing (and/or invalidating) the impact that being scapegoated has had on me?"

3. "Am I fully aware of what I am actually forgiving, i.e., have I recognized, felt, and processed the various pains and harms I've experienced in relation to FSA?"

4. "Will my forgiving those in my family who have harmed me be yet another way that I am unconsciously colluding with my family system to invalidate my pain and silence my voice?"

5. "If I choose not to forgive - at least, not right now - will I feel shame and/or guilt related to my religious beliefs? If so, how might I reconcile this within my heart, mind, and spirit?

Alternatively, when I explore radical acceptance with my clients, I invite them to consider the following:

1. "Can I accept that being subjected to this type of systemic abuse is a part of my story - a part of my story that need not define me or permanently influence or control my life?"

2. "Can I accept that the fact of my abuse may not ever be recognized within my family and others connected to my family system?"

3. "Can I accept the inherent injustice of my situation - and all the emotions and feelings and thoughts associated with this injustice - and at some point decide to live (and live well), anyway?"

4. "Can I accept that I have choices - including the choice to accept the past and do all I can now to recover from FSA?"

5. "Can I accept that I am more than the painful events I have experienced, and know that my life has value and that I'm worth saving?"

Of course, it need not be "either/or" when it comes to forgiveness and radical acceptance. In cases where a client would like to consciously move through a forgiveness process, they often find that incorporating radical acceptance into their forgiveness work can be very helpful.

Meaningless Suffering Versus Meaningful Suffering

Releasing attachment to highly charged emotions and events does not mean that one is "giving up" on themselves or "giving in" to abuse from others. It is simply a process that supports people in coping with past and/or current life circumstances that cannot be changed and that they are powerless over.

Radical acceptance requires one to cultivate a mindful, nonattached psycho-emotional stance so as to distinguish between painful emotions versus painful events. What has happened is in the past and can't be changed. The goal instead is to become aware of, process, and release debilitating thoughts and emotions, while accepting the unchangeable, unalterable nature of a given situation.

It has been both my personal and professional experience that accepting incomprehensible realities that cannot be adjusted or altered is essential to recovering from FSA and over time can ease mental and emotional anguish.

The way I explain radical acceptance to my clients is that they can experience meaningless suffering or meaningful suffering as they courageously take the steps needed to heal from being scapegoated by family.

Meaningless suffering in the context of family scapegoating abuse often involves pain that doesn’t lead to personal growth, understanding, or healing. Here are some examples:

1. Endless Self-Blame: A scapegoated family member may internalize blame for family issues, leading to chronic feelings of guilt and shame without any resolution or acknowledgment from other family members.

2. Isolation: The scapegoated individual might endure social isolation, feeling cut off from family and friends, and then may impose this isolation on themselves due to an underlying and pervading sense of ‘toxic shame’. This suffering doesn’t foster connection or support, leaving them feeling perpetually alone.

3. Unresolved Conflict: Engaging in arguments or trying to defend oneself against unjust accusations can create ongoing emotional turmoil without any real change in family dynamics, leading to feelings of helplessness.

4. Repeated Cycle of Abuse: Continually experiencing scapegoating without any intervention can create a sense of stagnation, where the same painful patterns repeat without the potential for healing or resolution.

5. Stigmatization: Being labeled negatively by family members can lead to feelings of worthlessness that do not lead to empowerment or self-discovery, but rather reinforce harmful narratives.

6. Avoidance of Truth: A scapegoated individual may suffer by avoiding confronting the reality of their family situation, leading to a lack of clarity and understanding, further entrenching feelings of confusion and despair.

7. False Loyalty: The scapegoated person may feel pressured to maintain loyalty to the family at the expense of their own well-being, leading to a sense of betrayal of oneself without any benefits.

8. Cyclical Regret: Continuously revisiting past actions or decisions in an attempt to change how family members perceive them can lead to ongoing regret and frustration without any productive outcomes.

These examples illustrate how meaningless suffering in the context of family scapegoating abuse can create a cycle of pain without leading to healing or personal growth.

“We can heal from FSA - but invariably, the healing must occur independent of the one(s) that caused it. Those who caused the wound cannot heal the wound when it comes to FSA. That is the part where people get stuck. And that is where processing feelings and moving toward ‘radical acceptance’ comes in.” - Rebecca C. Mandeville (response to a subscriber)

Examples of meaningful suffering in the context of family scapegoating abuse recovery can involve experiences that, while painful, ultimately contribute to personal growth, resilience, and deeper understanding. Here are some examples:

1. Confronting Painful Memories: A survivor may engage in therapy to process traumatic childhood experiences. While revisiting these memories can be excruciating, it can lead to healing and a stronger sense of identity.

2. Setting Boundaries: Establishing boundaries with abusive family members can create significant emotional turmoil. However, this suffering can empower the individual to reclaim their sense of self-worth and autonomy.

3. Breaking the Cycle: A person might struggle with feelings of guilt when deciding not to perpetuate abusive patterns in their own parenting. This painful decision can lead to healthier relationships and a more nurturing environment for their children.

4. Loss of Relationships: Choosing to distance oneself from toxic family dynamics can result in feelings of loneliness and grief. However, this suffering can foster independence and the ability to build supportive, healthier relationships elsewhere.

5. Self-Discovery Through Struggle: A survivor may grapple with feelings of unworthiness and shame. Working through these emotions can lead to profound self-discovery, revealing inner strengths and resilience that were previously obscured.

6. Advocacy and Healing: Joining a community of adult survivors of family abuse; participating in abuse recovery forums; and/or engaging in advocacy work for other abuse survivors can at times feel emotionally taxing. Yet, this suffering can provide a sense of meaning and purpose, helping others while reinforcing one's own healing journey.

7. Increasing Awareness: Understanding the complexities of an abuser's and/or abusive system’s behavior can be distressing. However, this expanded perspective can cultivate insight and growth, as well as foster understanding and the experience of radical acceptance, allowing the survivor to find peace and ultimately break free from the cycle of toxicity and distress.

8. Building Trust: Learning to trust again after betrayal takes time and can be painful. It takes courage to move through disappointments, anger, and fear so as to become open to connecting with others, but by doing so, FSA adult survivors may create opportunities to experience deeper, more meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

Each of these experiences reflects how meaningful suffering, while challenging, can contribute to profound personal growth and healing in the aftermath of family abuse.

Accepting Reality Just As It Is

Remember, mental and emotional acceptance of painful realities does not mean you are weak or complacent, nor does it mean that you are passive or submissive. Ask yourself what you have the power to change, and what you have no choice but to accept. For example, I've had clients whose inheritances were wrongly taken from them due to family scapegoating dynamics. Several of them chose to pursue restitution in court with my encouragement and support - and they won.

Cultivating an attitude of radical acceptance also does not mean that you do not experience anger, grief, sadness, etc, regarding what has happened to you within your family-of-origin. It simply means that while you are moving through various emotions and feelings, you are also consciously choosing to adopt a life attitude that supports an acceptance of what has occurred.

As you begin to practice radical acceptance, you may discover a newfound ability to embrace difficult facts while still acknowledging the full depth of your emotions. In doing so, you will be better able to assess the truth of your situation so as to develop ways to effectively cope with it, even as you accept life just as it is, and things just as they are.

Over time, as you consciously cultivate the art and skill of radical acceptance, you may find yourself increasingly able to focus on what you can actually control, versus wrestling with what you cannot, allowing you to focus on building a future you want, free from the dehumanizing experience of abuse.

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To learn more about radical acceptance and practical steps you can take toward cultivating this life attitude, read my article, Radical Acceptance and Family Scapegoating Abuse Recovery.