Hi Lee, I think you were replying to me, the author of this article and Substack, and not Trudy, is this correct? I wanted to make sure before I reply to your comment...
This was worth re-reading 👌. Several times people have told me that I will feel so much better if I forgive. I don’t feel a need to forgive, and I experience such a comment as shame inducing. And the ones telling me will fall into the not-safe group 😌
I consider forgiveness as serving a self-protective function that separates me from harmful toxic emotions like revenge, hate, rage etc. and in forgiving the debt of an actual offense, I also acknowledge myself as having injured others whether knowingly or unwittingly I also belong to this human condition in need of others forgiveness ultimately. Forgiveness in this sense acknowledges we are all creatures and not God.
I forgive to enlist divine assistance to keep me in my own lane, so to speak, and open a door for my own healing and recovery. I don't necessarily consider forgiveness as reconciliation because two people are required to engage in a reconciliation. Also, things that were once good relations can be materially valid for being restored or reconciled. I don't believe I ever had healthy bonds with any sibs or my mother. I find value in forgiveness to protect, separate and find healing for myself but do not have others who are able to see me as I am therefore no need to think there are future grounds for reconciliation in the foreseeable future. Thanks for all you do, Rebecca because your gifts and guidance are unique and ground-breaking in my humble opinion.
Beautifully conveyed, Patricia. Yes, viewed in such a way, forgiveness and ‘radical acceptance’ are even more closely aligned. The two are not the same, but for some, can definitely be connected in regard to healing and recovering from abuse in all its forms. And you’re welcome, I do hope I am breaking new ground by clearly defining the dynamics associated with what I named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse” (FSA) via my research and identifying clearly what this insidious systemic phenomenon is: Abuse.
You helped me see beyond the systemic neglect of children in my FOO; that much I grasped by age 35. I studied human development and assisted with a naturalistic observation pilot study of mother-infant interactions as an undergraduate, around that time in my life.
I was a first generation college graduate and was subsequently guided to graduate school where I was unable to complete a doctorate due lack of a healthy support system. Yet I attained a M.Ed. in Counselor Education and began work as an academic advisor helping others navigate the complex higher ed environment.
I value your empirical and qualitative research and I am proud to count myself as a member of this community. My life has been punctuated with influential people I respect, learn from and grow more fully in my purpose through having known those who mentored me.
Now at age 73, your work gradually helped me align in the common form of FSA with covert abuse toward a designated scapegoat that kept the system's homeostasis.
I was confused by the apparent acceptance my sisters had toward my Mom all their lives, until I understood trauma bonds, triangulation and transactions vs healthy relationships.
I gradually realized more than neglect in my FOO and I came to correlate myself with your descriptors of FSA. I experienced overt rejection and even ejection, awareness of the childhood traumatic invalidation, awareness that C-PTSD symptoms could only come from something I actually experienced (not who I am; only how I was effected by abuse). I had childhood accomplishments in music, writing, speaking, art, drama, desire for learning that were exceptional in that FOO system and were therefore unmentionables to be ignored by power-holder.
Your education on how empaths, those more intelligent and aware are natural threats to the dysfunctional system's homeostasis and must be silenced by the chief power holder made sense in my life. I have found freedom and courage to voice my reality, knowing that the silence is deadly for myself and others.
I am not the same and I affirm your personal contributions to this on-going process that invigorates me now. Kudos and many thanks, Rebecca!
I am deeply appreciative, and honored, to read this comment from you, Patricia. Challenging week for me or I would reply more at length but know that your message was received and embraced and I'm so glad you're here on my Substack and a part of our community of FSA survivors and thrivers!
Thanks very insightful.
Yes, I am able to see the real difference and it’s exactly the way it feels. Acceptance versus forgiveness… learning more everyday 🙏
Wow. Apparently I was meant to read this today. Thank you!
You’re very welcome - Synchronicity strikes again!
Forgiveness is 1st step
Understanding the "why" is much harder.
Accepting never receiving parentental love is extremely important, many don't make it to this place without more trauma.
It's truly a demonic experience.
Thank you very much for your Substack channel, it's extremely important.
Your work is extremely helpful Trudie.
God bless you 🙏
Hi Lee, I think you were replying to me, the author of this article and Substack, and not Trudy, is this correct? I wanted to make sure before I reply to your comment...
This was worth re-reading 👌. Several times people have told me that I will feel so much better if I forgive. I don’t feel a need to forgive, and I experience such a comment as shame inducing. And the ones telling me will fall into the not-safe group 😌
For good reason!
I consider forgiveness as serving a self-protective function that separates me from harmful toxic emotions like revenge, hate, rage etc. and in forgiving the debt of an actual offense, I also acknowledge myself as having injured others whether knowingly or unwittingly I also belong to this human condition in need of others forgiveness ultimately. Forgiveness in this sense acknowledges we are all creatures and not God.
I forgive to enlist divine assistance to keep me in my own lane, so to speak, and open a door for my own healing and recovery. I don't necessarily consider forgiveness as reconciliation because two people are required to engage in a reconciliation. Also, things that were once good relations can be materially valid for being restored or reconciled. I don't believe I ever had healthy bonds with any sibs or my mother. I find value in forgiveness to protect, separate and find healing for myself but do not have others who are able to see me as I am therefore no need to think there are future grounds for reconciliation in the foreseeable future. Thanks for all you do, Rebecca because your gifts and guidance are unique and ground-breaking in my humble opinion.
Beautifully conveyed, Patricia. Yes, viewed in such a way, forgiveness and ‘radical acceptance’ are even more closely aligned. The two are not the same, but for some, can definitely be connected in regard to healing and recovering from abuse in all its forms. And you’re welcome, I do hope I am breaking new ground by clearly defining the dynamics associated with what I named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse” (FSA) via my research and identifying clearly what this insidious systemic phenomenon is: Abuse.
You helped me see beyond the systemic neglect of children in my FOO; that much I grasped by age 35. I studied human development and assisted with a naturalistic observation pilot study of mother-infant interactions as an undergraduate, around that time in my life.
I was a first generation college graduate and was subsequently guided to graduate school where I was unable to complete a doctorate due lack of a healthy support system. Yet I attained a M.Ed. in Counselor Education and began work as an academic advisor helping others navigate the complex higher ed environment.
I value your empirical and qualitative research and I am proud to count myself as a member of this community. My life has been punctuated with influential people I respect, learn from and grow more fully in my purpose through having known those who mentored me.
Now at age 73, your work gradually helped me align in the common form of FSA with covert abuse toward a designated scapegoat that kept the system's homeostasis.
I was confused by the apparent acceptance my sisters had toward my Mom all their lives, until I understood trauma bonds, triangulation and transactions vs healthy relationships.
I gradually realized more than neglect in my FOO and I came to correlate myself with your descriptors of FSA. I experienced overt rejection and even ejection, awareness of the childhood traumatic invalidation, awareness that C-PTSD symptoms could only come from something I actually experienced (not who I am; only how I was effected by abuse). I had childhood accomplishments in music, writing, speaking, art, drama, desire for learning that were exceptional in that FOO system and were therefore unmentionables to be ignored by power-holder.
Your education on how empaths, those more intelligent and aware are natural threats to the dysfunctional system's homeostasis and must be silenced by the chief power holder made sense in my life. I have found freedom and courage to voice my reality, knowing that the silence is deadly for myself and others.
I am not the same and I affirm your personal contributions to this on-going process that invigorates me now. Kudos and many thanks, Rebecca!
I am deeply appreciative, and honored, to read this comment from you, Patricia. Challenging week for me or I would reply more at length but know that your message was received and embraced and I'm so glad you're here on my Substack and a part of our community of FSA survivors and thrivers!