This is a public Discussion Thread is for free and paid subscribers.
After four years of focusing on the worldwide promotion of my introductory book on what I named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA), Rejected, Shamed and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role, I am now wanting to get a second book out based on the current needs of FSA adult survivors who have read this first book and feel ready for ‘next steps’ in their FSA recovery.
A workbook is one possibility. I have also thought of covering in more depth some of the terms I created to describe the FSA phenomenon, such as ‘scapegoat narrative’, ‘the validation and repair fantasy’, ‘righteous rage’, ‘scapegoat injustice’, etc, and how to move through and beyond these aspects of being scapegoated - that is another direction I could go in.
My question for the community therefore is this: What do you most need in regard to a follow up book to Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed as related to your FSA healing process?
Looking forward to hearing back from you, and thank you in advance for your input!
Great questions, thanks. I point to this a bit in all of my work - Everyone has their unique path to healing and it is a journey, one that has its own organic timeline. However, in general, the ‘point of sail’, so to speak, is the experience of ‘radical acceptance’ following fully feeling ‘righteous rage’, grief, etc. I write about radical acceptance in more detail here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
Very good to hear my book was helpful! So sorry you went through this madness. This experience you share here belongs in my ‘Bizarre Realities ‘Scapegoats’ Experience’ series on YouTube. It is a mind-bender, to be sure. While it definitely helps to understand how dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems operate, each family is also unique, with its unique pathos and psyches of individual ‘players’ (family members). Similar to addiction, these systemic and individual processes are typically “cunning, baffling, and powerful” (a phrase borrowed from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to describe alcoholic processes) and one is going where angels fear to tread if they try to ‘figure it out’. It’s a bit like descending into Dante’s levels of hell and something I do not typically recommend.
I am glad you chose the path that felt right for you (and your nervous system, I imagine) versus feeling obligated to serve as Executor. And btw, my original research on this FSA phenomenon I identified revealed that these sorts of shenanigans regarding assigning executors, playing siblings off of each other, and attempts to wrest rightful inheritances from inheritors (such as a sibling trying to withhold an inheritance from the scapegoated sibling) is a legitimate aspect of this form of systemic abuse.
Yes, the introduction chat thread is private and for paid subscribers only. On any public chat thread (which is rare) I will state it is public and for free and paid subscribers.
Theresa, what they did to you is absolutey awful . I can relate because I have 4 sisters who continue to fawn my mother, like puppets on a string. Some of them have been to counseling because of the abuse. Still they have no insight. I'm No contact with all of them. I did accidentaly run into my oldest sister last year...and she was OMG I miss you, I love you blah blah blah. After chatting for a couple of minutes, I said to you still talk to mom...she said OF COURSE! She's our mother. All my siblings have adopted the scapegoat narrative about me. I'm done with all of them. Not sure if they would tell me if my mother died.
One did threaten me about 12 years ago over something very petty. She said I'll make sure you get written out of the will - this is the youngest of all of us and the (sometimes golden child) I have major brain fog at the moment so hope this makes sense.
Sorry, I didn't word that the way I meant to. I mean growing up as the scapegoat in a narcisssitic family system. Thank you for asking me to clarify my confusing wording. :-)
Personally, I have a very difficult time with workbooks. I love the way you write so I would like you to go with your second choice. More in depth on the topics you discussed in your post.
Thank you, Lise! I don't really have a 'workbook' type brain, so I am leaning toward the latter choice as well, although perhaps I could include some contemplative journal exercises or similar.
Wow, I love this group. I have found my tribe. Getting likes from different people who read my posts is so validating. I am not alone anymore! Thank you to all who have commented or liked my posts! Ah...just got another like. You can't believe how good this feels to me. BTW I read every comment! LOL just got another like!
Love this comment Lise, your delight is contagious. I too feel that I have found my tribe & I'm delighted if I receive comments or likes, I also feel I'm not alone anymore. My thanks as always to Rebecca for bringing us all together in this remarkable group.🙏
I've had the privilege of working with hundreds and hundreds of family abuse survivors as a clinician and know how remarkable each and every one of you are; hence my launching this Substack community site where you all can discover each other. Glad you're here, June.
June, I'm attaching your comment here so Lisa can see it:
june hall
You're very welcome, glad to hear you're smiling, your comment brought a smile to my face.😊 It took me a while to jump in too, not used to sharing such stuff but I am so glad I did. Chat away Lise, looking forward to hearing more from you.❤️
Most of us FSA survivors have experienced decades and decades of traumatic invalidation, which is one of the reasons why positive feedback, kindness, and supportive gestures from understanding others can feel unbelievably wonderful (albeit initially surprising).
Oh yes. I remember many times breaking down in tears after someone I barely knew showed me kindness. And also many times I was suspicious of people who seemed to think well of me; I assumed there was something wrong with them, including good people who literally tried to mentor me professionally.
Me too crying for no good reason, I use to think that something was wrong with me, crying over kindness was silly and I needed to get a grip on my emotions. Wow thanks for sharing ❤️
You're very welcome, glad to hear you're smiling, your comment brought a smile to my face.😊 It took me a while to jump in too, not used to sharing such stuff but I am so glad I did. Chat away Lise, looking forward to hearing more from you.❤️
This is exciting! So glad you're going to continue to write books on this subject Rebecca! I need help navigating continuing to have no contact and how to know when contact is safe and a good idea. I need detailed help about how to decide if the person is safe enough to have low contact or if no contact is still needed. Thank you for asking for our input! Help about understanding more about how to heal would be wonderful too! I hope your health is on the mend!
I have recently disconnected from my family of origin. I left my last abuser 4 months ago and it triggered something wonderful. I’m in my early 50s and have gone to therapy all of my adult life (thankfully). I’ve been fortunate to have had a few very validating therapists. I came across your YouTube channel a couple weeks ago, thank you for your wonderful difficult work. The videos are reassuring, validating, informative and comforting. For my entire life I’ve been swimming in shark infested waters and didn’t know there’s an ocean of dolphins. I noticed today that I don’t feel nearly as much shame about my past and am proud I survived…I come from a large blended family. For me, I would like to see how one moves past the painful role and what that might look like. Again, thank you for the work you do.
You're so welcome, Kerah. Glad you found my YouTube offerings and made your way here. I'm also linking you to my resource list in case you are looking for even more education and support: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Hello Rebecca, I am so happy to hear a secondly book is coming. Living this, I would value your continuance and delving more deeply into your work and explanations. They are extremely validating and powerful in one feeling understood , seen and heard. I personally would appreciate your knowledge on how to move through and beyond this role, and find freedom from this pain attached to it. Your help in ways to empower and heal would benefit so many hearts and lives. Thank you for all you give and for incredible work. Looking forward to more.
Thank you, JB - There is indeed a 'beyond' (hence my YouTube channel name, 'Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse') and also the experience of freedom from the Family Scapegoat matrix. I look forward to fleshing and flushing this out more in my next book. Would you be hoping for exercises, etc, to be included or more psycho-educational in nature, as 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' was/is?
Rebecca, reading your book “Rejected ,Shamed and Blamed and watching your YouTube videos has been the first and only place that so perfectly describe and explain Family Scapegoating Abuse As a recipient I remember the awe in finally finding an answer to what I was (am) experiencing. Because there are so many layers involved, learning more psycho- educational information would be extremely welcomed . What I am feeling I need at this stage are also exercises to help navigate the healing process. I would value your expertise in guiding us through that process. I have to add that another helpful tool has been your beautiful affirmations . In addition , could they possibly be printed in card form as a boxed set. I would find them comforting to take with me wherever I go and whenever I need. Thank you for your wisdom and for this community.
Hi JB, glad you mentioned Rebecca's beautiful affirmations. I just woke up and this was the first thing that popped in my mind. It would be a great way to end each chapter!
Yes, all good suggestions, thanks. I thought of putting out the affirmations as cards, it’s a matter of finding quality printers / distributors who can appropriately carry out my vision for this.
I would like to see some information on how to identify "safe" people - everyone tells you to be around safe people, but I've never really known how to determine who is safe and who is not.
No I have not, but i just looked it up and I'll get it. It looks fascinating. I need everything I can get 🫠 your book comes tomorrow, I'm excited. Thank you.
Learned I have to be safe and that is the learning curve. What I mean is I can’t trust others to be safe I must trust myself to be safe and people will still betray. 🥲
Great idea, and thank you. For me too this is very much needed. I do see growing attention on "green light" social behaviors online, so I know we have lots of company.
I believe it would help to explain how marrying a scapegoat as I did led me to become one along with my husband. After Rick passed in 2016 I became the main scapegoat. Also, Rick's mother then sister took over the scapegoating attacks and weaponized his daughter "A" to provide lies to them to attack us both. The only way she got any attention from her family was by supplying them with lies. She's 62 and continues to spread lies as she did this past week. It will never end, I realize.
One massive need is to track our somatic reactions to FSA. It took me years to realize that my incapacitating IBS-D wasn't only triggered by food choices, but by the FSA attacks. Now I'm in the process of tracking both.
Excellent suggestions, thanks, Lynne. BTW, if you are not already subscribing to Claire's Substack, 'Married to the (Narcissistic) Mob', I highly recommend it. She is also a trauma therapist (licensed) whose expertise is somatic treatment of trauma. Link to her profile here: https://substack.com/@marriedtothenarcissticmob
I too encountered this dynamic, but with a twist. I married the scapegoat, then became the main scapegoat. My husband was complicit with this, since he liked not being the main scapegoat. I'm still dealing with the emotional trauma that caused. I would certainly love to read anything Dr. Mandeville has to say on such topics!
Yes, the scapegoating can be driven by in-laws as well. Can't remember if I already referred you to therapist Claire Pichel's substack but she specializes in in-law scapegoating. Her substack is called 'Married to the (Narcissistic) Mob'. https://substack.com/@marriedtothenarcissticmob
I'm so sorry about the loss of your spouse, and about your family-in-law. I also developed IBS, but I did not connect the symptoms with my family or with external events, but saw them as another indication of my brokenness. Looking back now, it is easier to see patterns that I could not understand before. I really really love your idea of tracking your symptoms, to connect them to the external events and patterns. This could be a very important tool in helping FSA targets get into our logical brains, and to understand how these dysfunctional family systems effect the functioning of our bodies.
I would like to know how to avoid ending up in the same dynamics at work, and how to navigate working with a narcissist without becoming the target.
I would also like more about how to deal with enabling family members. I find cutting these relationships off has been much more painful and difficult than with the main abuser. But objectively their roles are quite abusive as well.
Thank you, Nat. Great suggestions. Not sure if you saw my video here, but becoming a healthier person with healthier boundaries often makes things much more difficult for the FSA survivor who finds themselves still engaged / attached to unhealthy people / systems. Part of the conundrum of recovering from FSA one must be creative (and diligent) in addressing. Linking it to you here: https://youtu.be/gLptzBP_Arw
I think after understanding why and how hard our fate was, it would be great to look into the future, how to get out of the scapegoat role: Where to focus on to ground our souls and find peace, how to best get through the loss of a family and through a time without friends, after getting rid of the false ones; where to find our hope an relief. The biggest relief of the Rejeced, Blamed and Shamed book for me was understanding, that my narcissistic family members needed a projection screen in us.
Yes, that is a powerful awareness, it is critical to understand the pathological projection processes that fuel FSA, including projective identification. Thank you for your suggestions, this is the sort of book I also envision - seems many people commenting here also agree that covering these issues may be more helpful than a workbook at this time.
I don’t know where to comment on your new book ideas but I would personally prefer the more in-depth terms to be explored. I look forward to your next book! Your first one changed my life!
Hi Brenda, you are commenting in exactly the right place - thanks for your input, I also would like to expand upon these terms I created so as to describe the FSA phenomenon in more depth.
Hi Rebecca, I am so happy to hear you are writing a new book and I am certain no matter what it includes that it will be helpful to all of us. From my perspective, about six years after going no-contact, I am most in need of ideas around learning to trust and to build new supports with people. I'm finding for me that I do not so much want to recreate a "family" of choice, as I want to embrace the friendships in my life and open myself to making more. Thank you for asking. Wishing you all the best, Debbie
What I am struggling with right now is what I would call “the second wave.” Disconnecting with the narcissist was a whole thing. But coming to realize that she has replicated herself in two of her other daughters, and finally seeing clearly that THEY are the greatest source of ongoing trauma to me, has been a whole new journey of realization grief and loss. Like, a disabling second wave. Harder to work through it seems? Because it changes my entire future, every holiday wedding birthday shower, all the traditions that drew us back together. I’m losing all those too. I know I will create a new future for myself but I was gobsmacked by just how debilitating this realization has been.
Thank you Rebecca. My sisters did a good job, or my denial did a good job, of convincing me that they saw the real me and I was not going to lose them, just dial the contact back a bit. But the more I healed, the more I became aware of the false narrative against me, of DARVO from my one sister, of their discarding of ME because I would not let them control me any longer. For sure, the price of having to participate in my family would be both accepting abuse, and allowing my sisters to control me. No thank you.
Sadly, this is often the case, Margaret. Not sure you saw this video of mine yet, but if not, I would watch it, you will see why... https://youtu.be/gLptzBP_Arw
I'm not sure how fair my comment is as I've perused your book and am not very far in reading it front to back, but a deeper look into the scapegoat narrative stands out for me. It's a powerful concept and one that seems to be at the later end of a repetitive abusive relationship(s) and hard to grow out from under physically and emotionally (and/or externally and internally) once it's been constructed. Anyway.
Your comment is more than fair - and appreciated. In the meantime, I do go into a bit more detail on the scapegoat narrative here in this video: https://youtu.be/syjUNqa1lNc
Projective identification. Treatment on dealing with introjects. False self chapter was great and the mass delusion information has me more curious. Cassandra Complex was mentioned on "This Jungian Life - Scapegoat" and I was like "hot dang!" It's not being believed and punished for seeing reality. Thanks Rebecca and I recommend you, Jerry Wise, and Jay Reid because of the study and passion on you all have bringing healing to this matter.
I would very much like to know HOW to move through and beyond being scapegoated. I am looking through my past and realizing how this has governed my very identity and ruined my chance for a fulfilling life.
I touch on this in my first book when I discussed the (conditioned) 'false self' and then in the next chapter the true self but there is so much more to say about this, of course. Thanks for your suggestion.
For my situation, Definitely more on validation and repair fantasy. And maybe some elaboration on telling your story to others. And dealing with the next generations (even after the primary offenders have passed away) and some possibly inevitable encounters with them (grandchildren for me - some who still blame and others who will at least want an explanation). And possibly more.
Hi Rebecca, so often scapegoats are painted in a purely "victim" light. I have felt so validated by your book but I would also appreciate an honest portrayal of the darker sides of the scapegoat and how to navigate this ie: addictions, manipulation to survive, trying to raise your children in the opposite way which may have caused a different dysfunction etc... and the crippling shame that comes with some of these survival tactics x
I like to think of myself as an escaped goat rather than a scapegoat. Rebecca’s work has helped in this respect and now we all need focus on healing strategies . A book based on healing strategies eg yoga/meditation/walking or whatever resurrects the untainted inner child would be great. I’m going to become a mountain Gazelle exploring the beauty of the universe!
Beautiful imagery. I focus more on the ‘authentic’ (true) self and reclaiming lost ‘parts’ and reconnecting with aspects of self (including ‘younger selves’) over ‘inner child’ work but that is due to my stance as a complex trauma treatment professional who incorporates Internal Family Systems techniques into my FSA / complex trauma recovery process when working with clients.
There are some excellent clinicians trained in Psychosynthesis in the UK. If you can find someone trained in this who is also certified as a trauma-informed complex treatment professional (a CCTP ideally trained by Dr Janina Fisher, she does a lot of training and certification in the UK), that could be an effective approach.
You can also use Dr. Fisher's search feature to search for people she has trained - many work online. Make sure they understand family roles and scapegoating, however: https://janinafisher.com/search/
Shunning is the result of a history of trauma. What is the trauma to children of the shunned? My son as a child and young adult was invited to family events from which I was explicitly barred (I am divorced from his dad, who would bring him). His father is a child alienator, the marital version of scapegoating — not surprising that I married a man who offloaded his “stuff” on me. My son got a double-dose of “mom is effed up” and though he knows I am not — we have had islands of closeness in his 24 years, during which he says he loves me and we get along well — but the overall tenor is “you are okay; your mom is not.” I am healthy enough to know that none of this is my fault — I’ve had a lot of good therapy for C-PTSD and know I am surrounded by very damaged people (for whom I feel love and empathy) — but I have questions: Does going no-contact (which I have done with my family) mean my son, too? He is young. I don’t want to further inflict pain on him. So far, I am not no-contact, but he goes in and out of talking to then screaming at and blaming me, dependent on his father, who is paying for my son’s PhD (his dad’s leverage). What I am saying is that the ill health and healing of scapegoats as well has repercussions for our children, who don’t want to be like us - left out, harmed, shamed, smeared — and yet by being included by extended family, they are still tarred by our stain, so to speak. I feel deep grief about this, for my son.
PS. I am a writer, and I am almost finished with my memoir of going no-contact. It has been very therapeutic writing it.
This is one of the most tragic aspects of FSA. It deserves a book of its own; the dynamics are extraordinarily complex. Like what I named FSA (family scapegoating abuse), these situations / dynamics that develop from FSA which you describe here are under-researched, poorly understood, and not socially recognized. I would love to hear about your book once published, btw.
I would like a more in depth book as well as having some examples and possibly some journal prompts or exercises to clarify how the examples you give will help each person's experience .
I've been told by many friends I should write a book. My life has been interesting in different ways. I'm seriously considering writing a memoir with all of those stories but highlighting my scapegoat status as the hub of all of it. I'm beyond grateful that you have finally given it a name, FSA. I think I would have benefited from hearing the term FSA and reading stories from victims years ago. Simply having a name for what you're going through and knowing you're not alone is healing. I suppose my suggestion is sharing victims stories. Thanks for all you do!
You're very welcome. I had hoped my giving a name to this poorly understood form of systemic abuse would increase awareness - I'm glad this was true for you. Sharing stories can become a legal challenge for many reasons, before, during, and after publication, or I would do this more often. I have a few people here working on memoirs and have thought of starting a discussion thread for paid subscribers (so it remains private and not available to search engines). I'll announce this if I do decide to initiate such a thread.
Hello I would like three more in-depth chapters the first on as an adult realizing that you are the scapegoat of the family not just as a child, more details on how to go no contact and the healing process/expectations of working through that with help, going alone, self care and how to best find a professional to help including things to know, ask and expect from them as far as help and support. Thank you for asking. I’m excited to read this next book
Great suggestions! It will be awhile before it comes out - I have to write it, of course, and then publishing can take a year or more, depending on which way I go (self-published or traditional).
Here it is again, the word 'realize, I feel this should be a step, before Radical Acceptance, 'Radical Realization', I get hit with realizations daily, and feel that puts me further away from reaching acceptance, remaining stuck, isolated and not seeing healing is possible?
Love this term - and profoundly powerful point you make here. Tying into this along with realizations are the memories that sometimes begin to well up once one realizes the reality of FSA dynamics (even if they don't know what to call it yet) and/or limits or ends contact. Not sure if you saw our community discussion thread on this, but if not, you may want to take a look: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/ask-the-community-anyone-have-memories/comments
I like to think of myself as an escaped goat rather than a scapegoat. This cracked me up! HAhaHahaHa!
I replied to her below but was afraid that the group might miss her words of wisdom. I almost did. And then I thought, this would make a great title for Rebecca's new book!
Thank you so much for asking members of this community for input about your next book. I really appreciate that. What I struggle with most is making stable friendships, especially with women in my case (I am a 63 year old woman), as my mother was the one who was most abusive and set up the scapegoating. I would love to learn about how to make and keep friendships. As a part of this issue, I find it difficult to know sometimes when I am being treated unfairly and when I am over-reacting due to past traumas. I am in therapy with an IFS therapist and am doing parts work--immensely helpful. But I go through such ups and downs and have a lot of anxiety over interpersonal struggles. It seems I just don't get subtle messages sometimes and read into them at other times. I feel lost in a house of mirrors when these issues arise. Make sense?
It makes perfect sense - I experience this myself at times, actually, and for similar reasons. I have a 2-part video on my YouTube channel on social isolation - It may speak to you a little bit, maybe not a lot. I’ll link you to part 2 which is more solution focused, part 1 is more about the experience of social isolation. And thanks for the suggestions! https://youtu.be/UimjZ5graRc
I now understand that I experienced sibling abuse at the hands of my older sister, and that both my parents neglected to do anything about it. My parents also both had unhealthy partners where my step-mother was very cruel and emotionally abusive, and my step-father was overtly and covertly sexually abusive towards me. My parents both put their heads in the sand and let these unhealthy people manipulate and abuse me, which deeply scared me for life. A few years ago, I opened up to my sister about the sexual abuse I suffered for years at the hand of my step-father, and she responded by telling me that I'm confusing my memories, it is all in my head, and how dare I not say anything until now as her children could have been victims. So I was blamed and shamed and offered no compassion or support for what I went through. Then, she launched a smear campaign against me and outed my secret to the whole family while filling their heads with her rhetoric. I am no longer in contact with any of them as they continue to side with my sister and step-father, and I have been going through severe grief and pain which stays with me every day and never dissipates. I am doing ketamine treatments which help, but the pain is still visceral and will not go away. I would like to know more about the repercussions of emotionally neglectful parents who turn a blind eye to the abuse their children suffer from, and what happens to a child when a narcissistic sibling physically and psychologically harms them, from childhood to adulthood. How can one recover after going through a lifetime of gaslighting and scapegoating, and having their entire family system, especially their care givers, put their own self-interests first while leaving the scapegoated person out to hang. How can you appease the pain and suffering caused by such abandonment and rejection when it just won’t go away.
I understand this particular issue / scenario first-hand. I am deeply sorry to know you also went through this type of traumatic invalidation and psycho-emotional pain. Thank you for sharing with us here and for suggesting it be addressed in my next book. I do mention it briefly in my introductory book on FSA, as well as multiple videos on my YouTube channel as well.
Sorry SJ, I too have an older brother(precious golden boy) that beat me up all the time, and has tried to kill me, one example, age 5 he held my face down in a mud puddle in the dirt driveway, and tried to drown me, because I didn't want to play or couldn't play bigwheel stunt driver(him crashing into me with his bike, me on bigwheel, ) painful experiences, (((((HUGS)))))
I would love to hear more about families that scapegoat sexual abuse victims/survivors when the perpetrators are also family. In sibling abuse, specifically and especially sibling sexual abuse (SSA) it is a very common reaction to disclosure. I know it falls under traumatic invalidation, but if there’s anything extra you could add, ssa is still so scarcely discussed.
Yes, I have first-hand experience with this. I mention this aspect of FSA in my book and in some of my videos but it deserves an entire chapter in my next book, for sure. Here’s a ‘short’ excerpt from a longer video I did on my YouTube channel that addresses this dynamic - I call it “the preemptive strike” that is carried out by the perpetrator of abuse so as to ensure the abuse victim is not seen as a “believable reporter.” Given I’ve been on the receiving end of this, I understand how devastating the consequences can be to the victim whose truth is negated and whose character is defamed, twisted, and distorted - trauma loaded upon trauma in the form of 'traumatic invalidation'. https://youtube.com/shorts/TY2DNMo2wZ4
I practice Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, both long-time students of Eugene Gendlin, author of Focusing. It's the best way I've found to be with parts and offer them the empathy, company, and compassion they need. Ann and Barbara have just published a book about their practice, Untangling. It's available on Amazon.
Great suggestion, Lily. Sounds like it could relate well to my section on the 'Gordian Knot' aspects of recovering from FSA, and the need to 'slice through' and not try to untangle this knot. I plan to read this myself. Here’s the Amazon link, for others who are interested: https://www.amazon.com/Untangling-Transform-Whats-Impossibly-Stuck/dp/B0D3QXGF98/
I practice Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, both long-time students of Eugene Gendlin, author of Focusing. It's the best way I've found to be with parts and offer them the empathy, company, and compassion they need. Ann and Barbara have just published a book about their practice, Untangling. It's available on Amazon. Ann's website for Inner Relationship Focusing is focusingresources.com.
Tim Desmond has some excellent books about cultivating self-compassion, including The Self-Compassion Skills Workbook.
You ROCK Rebecca! Haven't been able to purchase your book R.B&S. Yet, but have been watching your YouTube for a year and 6 months now, and continue to do so, I'm so glad you are ok, from your illness, I can relate 100%, born a month and half early, I wasn't fully developed, so my childhood was spent in hospitals, always a two week stay with phenomena, up until I was 10yrs old, when I had surgery to remove adenoids a second time, and tubes in my ears for the third time, the hospital stays magically disappeared, I still got sick, but was taught how to ignore it, and be the best emo punching bag housegirl you've ever seen, at age 11. So I propose, (even though I haven't read the book, I think a workbook, could be a nice follow up? Specially one that focuses on FSA,, Future Strategies & Afterwards,? LoL something more physical than writing? I love to write, but I write one sentence and start shaking uncontrollably, and my head twitches, occasionally I have to smack myself in the face pretty hard to regain focus, then off I go on hyperflight,, (took me an hour to type this) Thank you for being YOU Rebecca! Keep ROCKIN FSA research, on behalf of the world's Goaters!
Thank you, Wendy! The 'Blue Heart' emoji is one of my 'signature' emoticons, has a lot of meaning for me on multiple / various levels. Did you already see my video on FSA and chronic illness? Here's the link in case you didn't: https://youtu.be/ytSdn8nQCBg // Also, my resource list for FSA survivors for other possible approaches to healing: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources // Regarding more physical modalities: Trauma is held in the body and so somatic awareness / approaches are critical. If you haven't yet checked out Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', I highly recommend it - it is on the resource list I linked you to.
THANK YOU! and the "Blue Heart" is what my intuition told me, something that's been suppressed for 52yrs, or distorted, I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse, either way, I'm re-juvinated with Hope, now that I've finally figured out how to comment on here, and be heard, and my existence validated, I don't feel hopelessly Alone, it's Safe here, and won't land me in the second floor of our hospital, (psyche ward), and whatever you decide to do with your next book, it's gonna ROCK! 💙💙💙
Thanks, Wendy. I always like to stress that no group can be guaranteed to be perfectly safe, but I do believe you will have a good experience here. You can also message me here directly if you have any concerns so I can try to assist.
What excellent news - I can't wait! I like primers and workbooks myself because I like application, reflection, food for thought, quotes, sentence starters, vocabulary, journal questions, personal inventories, charts, case studies, infographics, etc. in my own psychoeducation. They lend themselves well to introverts and extroverts alike, in that they can be kept private, shared with a friend, sponsor or therapist, or shared in study circles. In terms of content for a book or workbook, I'd love a Family Systems 101 primer/workbook because it's the foundation for nearly everything else, and a lot can be built off of that in terms of the different themes, facets and dimensions of FSA. A lot of people get stuck in the toxicity and may never even know recovery, so I think workbooks are a good way to teach people that our recovery depends upon keeping the focus upon ourselves, getting to know ourselves deeper so we can mind our own lane and heal. I see it as a balance between theory (primer) and recovery (workbook). This is very exciting news :)
Thanks, Robin. I just now looked on Amazon and was surprised that there are very few books on Family Systems theory - but plenty of books on Internal Family Systems, which is a very different thing. There’s a comprehensive book on Bowenian-focused Family Systems theory; Bowen is the model I reference in my first FSA book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. However, my work is also influenced by Salvador Minuchin and Virginia Satir and you don’t hear much about them anymore. Link to Bowen book here if you are interested. https://www.amazon.com/Eight-Concepts-Bowen-Theory-ebook/dp/B005XAQBLO/
Hi Rebecca - thanks for this ... Bowen's name just hit my radar as I'm studying Childress' work for alienated child/parent scenarios. Dr. Childress also talks a lot about Salvador Minuchin. I found it on Amazon so have another good recovery book for my autumn reading list! :)
I love Salvador Minuchin’s work - Got to watch him working via video at inpatient units where the family identified patient (IP) was the focus of the family until Minuchin got involved - really masterful how he would align with the IP and give them a voice so they were not overpowered by the (scapegoating) family system. Also got to see him ‘live’ as a very old man; he was so revered but he opened his speech by sharing his overpowering experience (life long) of Impostor Syndrome. He is a controversial figure among feminists but this man was brilliant when it came to breaking family homeostasis - If you can ever get a hold of those videos (usually available for family systems students) you will see what I mean when you watch him work live with families where the IP is the focus.
I'll look for him on YouTube and see what I can find. I'd never heard of him before Dr. Childress lectured about him, so I have good research ahead.
I had another idea for another book: a textbook/encyclopedia of family scapegoating abuse. I'm imagining something that could potentially get picked up as a textbook in undergraduate "human services" programs like psych, law, education, medicine, social work, etc.
Minuchin, along with Bowen and Virginia Satir, were early and powerful voices within the Family Systems field half a century ago. A book like yours is needed - The term I created via my research, 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), describes certain, specific aspects of scapegoating as a phenomenon, as presented in my book. You may want to keep a textbook on scapegoating more general (on family scapegoating versus FSA) so you can cover more territory. You could reference my FSA work with citations, etc (or longer pieces via a permissions request) - if you launch such a project feel free to message me directly here to discuss, I'd be happy to assist.
I'm sorry, I was ambiguous! I'm not writing a book, I was responding to your call for ideas from the community. My own research is learning more about Family Systems ... it's my next piece of the puzzle, and purely for my own psychoeducation and to help me as I begin to traverse the legal system.
PS, if you’ve read my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), you already know I use Bowen as my primary model for family systems - I stuck with one theorist so as not to overwhelm the reader as most are new to Family Systems (not to be confused with Internal Family Systems/IFS).
I have read your book and it was so good, that I'm excited to hear you're conjuring the next. Yes, IFS is confusing so thanks for the clarification. I've requested individual counseling for me until I can get connected with my regular therapist, and requested Family Systems focus. I know nothing beyond a few role labels, so this is going to be very helpful in learning to detach from the legal conflict with my sister about to erupt. I'm going to poke around on Audible and see what I can find.
It makes a big difference with my clients when they get some basic Family Systems education from me. It becomes relatively easy to see that the family system itself is problematic - and the scapegoat target is not the problem. Doing a Family Genogram is also advisable, albeit a bit arduous at times - for my grad students, the Genogram was what blew them away the most, so many things about themselves and their family experiences became strikingly clear. More information here: https://genopro.com/genogram/
Zo Weeeeeeeeee! It's a good thing I'm...well by nature of being an escaped goat...and we all know goats are stubborn uhuh! I'm also stubborn. Or you could say, I'm a persistent goat, one of my superpowers.
Yesterday I lost contact with the group and my other Substack stuff. And, my land line went down. I don't have a cell phone- I don't want one.
I re-booted everything - lost track of what went where and everything went down...TV, Internet...oof
Well turns out goats can be cranky too! Imagine! Superpower version would be speak up and try not to lose my cool! ehehehe
Escaped goat persisted, albeit cranky ! and got er done! YUP
I'm happy to report that all is fixed cause I'm a fierce goat too!
What solved the Substack issue was re-setting Chrome to its original settings so they can blast me with ads. WARNING I would like people to know that the above process will force you to re-set some of your preferences - it's really just little stuff but I wasn't prepared and cranky for real NOW!!!
- on Chrome you will see 3 little dots, they should be on the right side of your screen. Click settings from the drop down menu and you'll be able to click on what you need! I had to choose US English or Canadian English, set spell-check back on...adjust my screen fonts, etc.
I'm psyched that all my techy stuff is working. Special shout out to Rebecca for all the kindness and help you gave me the last two days...I'm taking in the good stuff, couldn't do that for a long time.
Wonderful to hear, Lise - Your persistence paid off! So, was it something in your Chrome settings (like Ad blockers) that was keeping you from receiving your Substack notifications?
Yup...not sure what except for one thing, whenever I try to change my privacy preferences with Google- Gmail or Microsoft everything gets scrambled. I don't have a cell, I don't participate of any of the social media sites, yet...they keep intruding me with their ads.
If I could suggest one thing it would be for Substack to have live chat agents. This AI stuff is intrusive and offensive to me! Sending you a big HUG! While I've been writing this YEA I'm getting posts from you!
I would like to see how envy towards the scapegoat - especially when the scapegoat is talented at. something and how the family members secretly sabotage that scapegoat's talents, such as playing the piano, sabotaging success behind the scenes in school by unduly influencing teachers behind the scapegoat's back, secretly sabotaging the scapegoat at workplace by recruiting co-workers to bully, stalk, intimidate, provoke the scapegoat, leading to fear of employment, job loss and career loss. Inability to go to school due to Title IX violations. I would like to see how a scapegoat overcomes being targeted by powerful members of authority - in the legal profession who misuse his or her authority - like my mother does to me (retired police commissioner and lawyer) who target the scapegoat to blame the scapegoat for everything including labeling me a "difficult child" in order to justify medical slander (practice without a valid medical license) as "mentally ill" in order to stalk, intimidate, harass in workplace and in school, sabotaging work and career.
Thank you for this suggestion. It is a genuine aspect of the FSA phenomenon, particularly in families with (as you say here) power, authority, influence, money - and where the family system itself is narcissistic in its construct. Regarding envy and talent: You might want to watch my video here on 'bizarre realities' FSA adult survivors experience: https://youtu.be/J7oHsRjBHRE
Hi Rebecca! I just finished your revised "Rejected, Shamed & Blamed" book. It was captivating! I have a hard time reading after some neurologic injury, but I breezed through it. It is SO informative, SO beautifully written, and SO healing. I LOVE how succinct it is - full of so much information without the fluff, yet it's written in a warm, inviting, healing tone. You mastered it! It's perfect! Every word is perfect. I have let it percolate the last two days and, from an intuitive place, what I would crave next is a little pocketbook full of these incredible affirmations you write. Yes, that is what is calling me - a short affirmation book ... then your 3rd book could be more clinical again. An affirmation book would really help me heal. Back to your first book: Numerous places in your book, my jaw dropped to the floor ... I never put together how the family of origin can pull in your spouse (such sh*t, my whole world makes sense now), and more. Thank you for putting all of your eye opening observations and research into one slim book that we can reference over and over as we heal. You really are gifted at these Affirmations! Better than Shatki Gawain's!!! 💜
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your letting me know how my book impacted you. Someone left a review in German in Germany and my friend is fluent in German and lives there so I asked him what it said. He said the reviewer shared that my book is similar to a little candy bar they have in Germany that is small but filled with all kinds of good things. I really liked that review. It is indeed brief but dense. I can't stand fluff in books myself and get annoyed by it which is another reason I self-published as the traditional Publishers that invited me to publish through them wanted me to put in a lot of fluff. I've also thought of doing an affirmation book next and then a clinical book so that might be the direction I go in because I think I could get an affirmation book out pretty quickly. Appreciate this suggestion!
Great questions, thanks. I point to this a bit in all of my work - Everyone has their unique path to healing and it is a journey, one that has its own organic timeline. However, in general, the ‘point of sail’, so to speak, is the experience of ‘radical acceptance’ following fully feeling ‘righteous rage’, grief, etc. I write about radical acceptance in more detail here: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
I think I already linked you to my article on radical acceptance (the latest of a few I've written) but here it is, in case I didn't: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
Very good to hear my book was helpful! So sorry you went through this madness. This experience you share here belongs in my ‘Bizarre Realities ‘Scapegoats’ Experience’ series on YouTube. It is a mind-bender, to be sure. While it definitely helps to understand how dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems operate, each family is also unique, with its unique pathos and psyches of individual ‘players’ (family members). Similar to addiction, these systemic and individual processes are typically “cunning, baffling, and powerful” (a phrase borrowed from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to describe alcoholic processes) and one is going where angels fear to tread if they try to ‘figure it out’. It’s a bit like descending into Dante’s levels of hell and something I do not typically recommend.
I am glad you chose the path that felt right for you (and your nervous system, I imagine) versus feeling obligated to serve as Executor. And btw, my original research on this FSA phenomenon I identified revealed that these sorts of shenanigans regarding assigning executors, playing siblings off of each other, and attempts to wrest rightful inheritances from inheritors (such as a sibling trying to withhold an inheritance from the scapegoated sibling) is a legitimate aspect of this form of systemic abuse.
Yes, the introduction chat thread is private and for paid subscribers only. On any public chat thread (which is rare) I will state it is public and for free and paid subscribers.
Theresa, what they did to you is absolutey awful . I can relate because I have 4 sisters who continue to fawn my mother, like puppets on a string. Some of them have been to counseling because of the abuse. Still they have no insight. I'm No contact with all of them. I did accidentaly run into my oldest sister last year...and she was OMG I miss you, I love you blah blah blah. After chatting for a couple of minutes, I said to you still talk to mom...she said OF COURSE! She's our mother. All my siblings have adopted the scapegoat narrative about me. I'm done with all of them. Not sure if they would tell me if my mother died.
One did threaten me about 12 years ago over something very petty. She said I'll make sure you get written out of the will - this is the youngest of all of us and the (sometimes golden child) I have major brain fog at the moment so hope this makes sense.
Lise- AKA Fierce Goat
Lise, replying here per your request so you can check your notifications to make sure they are now working - let me know if you got this!
I would love to know more about how growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family affects someone's adult relationships with healthy people.
Thanks - Do you mean growing up as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system? Or with one person in particular in the family?
Sorry, I didn't word that the way I meant to. I mean growing up as the scapegoat in a narcisssitic family system. Thank you for asking me to clarify my confusing wording. :-)
No problem - The two scenarios can differ in certain ways so I always like to check to make sure I am understanding correctly.
Hi Rebecca,
Personally, I have a very difficult time with workbooks. I love the way you write so I would like you to go with your second choice. More in depth on the topics you discussed in your post.
Thank you, Lise! I don't really have a 'workbook' type brain, so I am leaning toward the latter choice as well, although perhaps I could include some contemplative journal exercises or similar.
Wow, I love this group. I have found my tribe. Getting likes from different people who read my posts is so validating. I am not alone anymore! Thank you to all who have commented or liked my posts! Ah...just got another like. You can't believe how good this feels to me. BTW I read every comment! LOL just got another like!
Whooot!!!
Love this comment Lise, your delight is contagious. I too feel that I have found my tribe & I'm delighted if I receive comments or likes, I also feel I'm not alone anymore. My thanks as always to Rebecca for bringing us all together in this remarkable group.🙏
I've had the privilege of working with hundreds and hundreds of family abuse survivors as a clinician and know how remarkable each and every one of you are; hence my launching this Substack community site where you all can discover each other. Glad you're here, June.
How great! This would be a wonderful home base for us all.
Thank you, I am more than glad too.
Boom! 👏🏼
I'm grateful for this community and Rebecca's work too! Where would we be without it? So glad I don't have to know.
Love having you here, so glad we can remain in touch.
Me too😘❤️
Validation feels absolutely fantastic and for good reason. Drink it in!
June, thank you for your kind words! And of course, Rebecca, thank you for bringing us together!
I am smiling over here! It took a long time for me to jump in. Now you won't be able to shut me up!
It's all good!
Sorry, I somehow posted my comment twice ?? So I've deleted one, still getting used to Substack !!
Only one showed on our end, June, so now your comment is deleted - do you remember what you said?
Oh dear, it showed twice then I refreshed & can't see my comment, odd ? Will try to remember what I said.😊
June, I'm attaching your comment here so Lisa can see it:
june hall
You're very welcome, glad to hear you're smiling, your comment brought a smile to my face.😊 It took me a while to jump in too, not used to sharing such stuff but I am so glad I did. Chat away Lise, looking forward to hearing more from you.❤️
Thanks Rebecca, not sure what happened there!
When things look weird on my end I refresh before changing or deleting anything - this will show you what is actually there (after the refresh...)
Most of us FSA survivors have experienced decades and decades of traumatic invalidation, which is one of the reasons why positive feedback, kindness, and supportive gestures from understanding others can feel unbelievably wonderful (albeit initially surprising).
Oh yes. I remember many times breaking down in tears after someone I barely knew showed me kindness. And also many times I was suspicious of people who seemed to think well of me; I assumed there was something wrong with them, including good people who literally tried to mentor me professionally.
Me too crying for no good reason, I use to think that something was wrong with me, crying over kindness was silly and I needed to get a grip on my emotions. Wow thanks for sharing ❤️
Yes ma'am. Unfortunately I am still struggling with accepting it. But hey I am here now.❤️ Thanks again Ms. Mandeville!!
Welcome to our community, Drake! Do make sure you look for our Welcome email - lots of information in it to help you navigate the site. This link here will also help you to get started: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/explore-our-community
You're very welcome, glad to hear you're smiling, your comment brought a smile to my face.😊 It took me a while to jump in too, not used to sharing such stuff but I am so glad I did. Chat away Lise, looking forward to hearing more from you.❤️
This is exciting! So glad you're going to continue to write books on this subject Rebecca! I need help navigating continuing to have no contact and how to know when contact is safe and a good idea. I need detailed help about how to decide if the person is safe enough to have low contact or if no contact is still needed. Thank you for asking for our input! Help about understanding more about how to heal would be wonderful too! I hope your health is on the mend!
Thanks, Connie - That is a big need I hear from many. This would be important to include in a new offering on FSA, for sure.
I have recently disconnected from my family of origin. I left my last abuser 4 months ago and it triggered something wonderful. I’m in my early 50s and have gone to therapy all of my adult life (thankfully). I’ve been fortunate to have had a few very validating therapists. I came across your YouTube channel a couple weeks ago, thank you for your wonderful difficult work. The videos are reassuring, validating, informative and comforting. For my entire life I’ve been swimming in shark infested waters and didn’t know there’s an ocean of dolphins. I noticed today that I don’t feel nearly as much shame about my past and am proud I survived…I come from a large blended family. For me, I would like to see how one moves past the painful role and what that might look like. Again, thank you for the work you do.
You're so welcome, Kerah. Glad you found my YouTube offerings and made your way here. I'm also linking you to my resource list in case you are looking for even more education and support: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Hello Rebecca, I am so happy to hear a secondly book is coming. Living this, I would value your continuance and delving more deeply into your work and explanations. They are extremely validating and powerful in one feeling understood , seen and heard. I personally would appreciate your knowledge on how to move through and beyond this role, and find freedom from this pain attached to it. Your help in ways to empower and heal would benefit so many hearts and lives. Thank you for all you give and for incredible work. Looking forward to more.
Thank you, JB - There is indeed a 'beyond' (hence my YouTube channel name, 'Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse') and also the experience of freedom from the Family Scapegoat matrix. I look forward to fleshing and flushing this out more in my next book. Would you be hoping for exercises, etc, to be included or more psycho-educational in nature, as 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' was/is?
Rebecca, reading your book “Rejected ,Shamed and Blamed and watching your YouTube videos has been the first and only place that so perfectly describe and explain Family Scapegoating Abuse As a recipient I remember the awe in finally finding an answer to what I was (am) experiencing. Because there are so many layers involved, learning more psycho- educational information would be extremely welcomed . What I am feeling I need at this stage are also exercises to help navigate the healing process. I would value your expertise in guiding us through that process. I have to add that another helpful tool has been your beautiful affirmations . In addition , could they possibly be printed in card form as a boxed set. I would find them comforting to take with me wherever I go and whenever I need. Thank you for your wisdom and for this community.
Hi JB, glad you mentioned Rebecca's beautiful affirmations. I just woke up and this was the first thing that popped in my mind. It would be a great way to end each chapter!
Hi Lise, Yes I agree. It would be a great addition. Rebecca’s affirmations are not only beautiful , but powerful.
Yes, all good suggestions, thanks. I thought of putting out the affirmations as cards, it’s a matter of finding quality printers / distributors who can appropriately carry out my vision for this.
I seem to need books and workshops that focus on what I can do now to heal and recover.
Hi Lily, yes, so important. In the meantime, I'm linking you to my FSA survivor resource list here for more education and support ideas: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
I would like to see some information on how to identify "safe" people - everyone tells you to be around safe people, but I've never really known how to determine who is safe and who is not.
Yes, that's a critical issue to address in regard to developing healthy relationships, thank you!
Wow, Khyati. Yes. I'd like to know more about that too.
Bingo......nothing is safe and Noone is safe....how do we begin to trust ourselves to know who or what is safe? ❤️ this question.
Victoria, have you by chance read this book yet? https://www.amazon.com/Our-Polyvagal-World-Safety-Trauma-ebook/dp/B0C66XV88S/
No I have not, but i just looked it up and I'll get it. It looks fascinating. I need everything I can get 🫠 your book comes tomorrow, I'm excited. Thank you.
You're welcome. Here's my resource list for FSA survivors in case you haven't seen that yet: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
I’ve
Learned I have to be safe and that is the learning curve. What I mean is I can’t trust others to be safe I must trust myself to be safe and people will still betray. 🥲
Thank you Kelly. I needed this right now.❤️❤️❤️
Great idea, and thank you. For me too this is very much needed. I do see growing attention on "green light" social behaviors online, so I know we have lots of company.
I believe it would help to explain how marrying a scapegoat as I did led me to become one along with my husband. After Rick passed in 2016 I became the main scapegoat. Also, Rick's mother then sister took over the scapegoating attacks and weaponized his daughter "A" to provide lies to them to attack us both. The only way she got any attention from her family was by supplying them with lies. She's 62 and continues to spread lies as she did this past week. It will never end, I realize.
One massive need is to track our somatic reactions to FSA. It took me years to realize that my incapacitating IBS-D wasn't only triggered by food choices, but by the FSA attacks. Now I'm in the process of tracking both.
Excellent suggestions, thanks, Lynne. BTW, if you are not already subscribing to Claire's Substack, 'Married to the (Narcissistic) Mob', I highly recommend it. She is also a trauma therapist (licensed) whose expertise is somatic treatment of trauma. Link to her profile here: https://substack.com/@marriedtothenarcissticmob
Thanks for the link!
I too encountered this dynamic, but with a twist. I married the scapegoat, then became the main scapegoat. My husband was complicit with this, since he liked not being the main scapegoat. I'm still dealing with the emotional trauma that caused. I would certainly love to read anything Dr. Mandeville has to say on such topics!
Yes, the scapegoating can be driven by in-laws as well. Can't remember if I already referred you to therapist Claire Pichel's substack but she specializes in in-law scapegoating. Her substack is called 'Married to the (Narcissistic) Mob'. https://substack.com/@marriedtothenarcissticmob
Thank you Rebecca. You did mention her before and I have subscribed. :-)
I'm so sorry about the loss of your spouse, and about your family-in-law. I also developed IBS, but I did not connect the symptoms with my family or with external events, but saw them as another indication of my brokenness. Looking back now, it is easier to see patterns that I could not understand before. I really really love your idea of tracking your symptoms, to connect them to the external events and patterns. This could be a very important tool in helping FSA targets get into our logical brains, and to understand how these dysfunctional family systems effect the functioning of our bodies.
I would like to know how to avoid ending up in the same dynamics at work, and how to navigate working with a narcissist without becoming the target.
I would also like more about how to deal with enabling family members. I find cutting these relationships off has been much more painful and difficult than with the main abuser. But objectively their roles are quite abusive as well.
Thank you, Nat. Great suggestions. Not sure if you saw my video here, but becoming a healthier person with healthier boundaries often makes things much more difficult for the FSA survivor who finds themselves still engaged / attached to unhealthy people / systems. Part of the conundrum of recovering from FSA one must be creative (and diligent) in addressing. Linking it to you here: https://youtu.be/gLptzBP_Arw
I think after understanding why and how hard our fate was, it would be great to look into the future, how to get out of the scapegoat role: Where to focus on to ground our souls and find peace, how to best get through the loss of a family and through a time without friends, after getting rid of the false ones; where to find our hope an relief. The biggest relief of the Rejeced, Blamed and Shamed book for me was understanding, that my narcissistic family members needed a projection screen in us.
Yes, that is a powerful awareness, it is critical to understand the pathological projection processes that fuel FSA, including projective identification. Thank you for your suggestions, this is the sort of book I also envision - seems many people commenting here also agree that covering these issues may be more helpful than a workbook at this time.
I don’t know where to comment on your new book ideas but I would personally prefer the more in-depth terms to be explored. I look forward to your next book! Your first one changed my life!
Hi Brenda, you are commenting in exactly the right place - thanks for your input, I also would like to expand upon these terms I created so as to describe the FSA phenomenon in more depth.
They are so right on. They explain a lot of what I have endured. Hope you are doing well.
Improving bit by bit - but still serving as a caregiver at home and that will go on for quite awhile...And hope you are doing well!
Hi Rebecca, I am so happy to hear you are writing a new book and I am certain no matter what it includes that it will be helpful to all of us. From my perspective, about six years after going no-contact, I am most in need of ideas around learning to trust and to build new supports with people. I'm finding for me that I do not so much want to recreate a "family" of choice, as I want to embrace the friendships in my life and open myself to making more. Thank you for asking. Wishing you all the best, Debbie
Great feedback, Debbie, this was a crucial aspect of my FSA recovery as well.
What I am struggling with right now is what I would call “the second wave.” Disconnecting with the narcissist was a whole thing. But coming to realize that she has replicated herself in two of her other daughters, and finally seeing clearly that THEY are the greatest source of ongoing trauma to me, has been a whole new journey of realization grief and loss. Like, a disabling second wave. Harder to work through it seems? Because it changes my entire future, every holiday wedding birthday shower, all the traditions that drew us back together. I’m losing all those too. I know I will create a new future for myself but I was gobsmacked by just how debilitating this realization has been.
This would be important to cover, for sure. I've been through this myself and I therefore understand these challenges firsthand.
Thank you Rebecca. My sisters did a good job, or my denial did a good job, of convincing me that they saw the real me and I was not going to lose them, just dial the contact back a bit. But the more I healed, the more I became aware of the false narrative against me, of DARVO from my one sister, of their discarding of ME because I would not let them control me any longer. For sure, the price of having to participate in my family would be both accepting abuse, and allowing my sisters to control me. No thank you.
Sadly, this is often the case, Margaret. Not sure you saw this video of mine yet, but if not, I would watch it, you will see why... https://youtu.be/gLptzBP_Arw
I'm also experiencing this kind of feelings around holidays and birthdays,etc. I am angry,quite honestly rage is still there.
I call this ‘righteous rage’. More information here in this video I did on my YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/mKxelQqKQN4
I'm not sure how fair my comment is as I've perused your book and am not very far in reading it front to back, but a deeper look into the scapegoat narrative stands out for me. It's a powerful concept and one that seems to be at the later end of a repetitive abusive relationship(s) and hard to grow out from under physically and emotionally (and/or externally and internally) once it's been constructed. Anyway.
Your comment is more than fair - and appreciated. In the meantime, I do go into a bit more detail on the scapegoat narrative here in this video: https://youtu.be/syjUNqa1lNc
Projective identification. Treatment on dealing with introjects. False self chapter was great and the mass delusion information has me more curious. Cassandra Complex was mentioned on "This Jungian Life - Scapegoat" and I was like "hot dang!" It's not being believed and punished for seeing reality. Thanks Rebecca and I recommend you, Jerry Wise, and Jay Reid because of the study and passion on you all have bringing healing to this matter.
Excellent suggestions and I agree, thank you!
I would very much like to know HOW to move through and beyond being scapegoated. I am looking through my past and realizing how this has governed my very identity and ruined my chance for a fulfilling life.
I touch on this in my first book when I discussed the (conditioned) 'false self' and then in the next chapter the true self but there is so much more to say about this, of course. Thanks for your suggestion.
For my situation, Definitely more on validation and repair fantasy. And maybe some elaboration on telling your story to others. And dealing with the next generations (even after the primary offenders have passed away) and some possibly inevitable encounters with them (grandchildren for me - some who still blame and others who will at least want an explanation). And possibly more.
All important - Thanks for your input, Rachel!
And maybe more on disenfranchised grief. And I can never hear enough about scapegoat injustice.
Hi Rebecca, so often scapegoats are painted in a purely "victim" light. I have felt so validated by your book but I would also appreciate an honest portrayal of the darker sides of the scapegoat and how to navigate this ie: addictions, manipulation to survive, trying to raise your children in the opposite way which may have caused a different dysfunction etc... and the crippling shame that comes with some of these survival tactics x
Yes, the ‘shadow’ side of the ‘scapegoat’ - Hard for some to consider or contemplate, but important. Thanks for your input, appreciate it.
I like to think of myself as an escaped goat rather than a scapegoat. Rebecca’s work has helped in this respect and now we all need focus on healing strategies . A book based on healing strategies eg yoga/meditation/walking or whatever resurrects the untainted inner child would be great. I’m going to become a mountain Gazelle exploring the beauty of the universe!
I love this...an escaped goat! You made me laugh.
There we are the laughter has begun! X
Beautiful imagery. I focus more on the ‘authentic’ (true) self and reclaiming lost ‘parts’ and reconnecting with aspects of self (including ‘younger selves’) over ‘inner child’ work but that is due to my stance as a complex trauma treatment professional who incorporates Internal Family Systems techniques into my FSA / complex trauma recovery process when working with clients.
I must find a therapist in the uk who works with your methods. ……getting to the bottom of things
There are some excellent clinicians trained in Psychosynthesis in the UK. If you can find someone trained in this who is also certified as a trauma-informed complex treatment professional (a CCTP ideally trained by Dr Janina Fisher, she does a lot of training and certification in the UK), that could be an effective approach.
Thanks Ma’am!
You can also use Dr. Fisher's search feature to search for people she has trained - many work online. Make sure they understand family roles and scapegoating, however: https://janinafisher.com/search/
Thanks again
Shunning is the result of a history of trauma. What is the trauma to children of the shunned? My son as a child and young adult was invited to family events from which I was explicitly barred (I am divorced from his dad, who would bring him). His father is a child alienator, the marital version of scapegoating — not surprising that I married a man who offloaded his “stuff” on me. My son got a double-dose of “mom is effed up” and though he knows I am not — we have had islands of closeness in his 24 years, during which he says he loves me and we get along well — but the overall tenor is “you are okay; your mom is not.” I am healthy enough to know that none of this is my fault — I’ve had a lot of good therapy for C-PTSD and know I am surrounded by very damaged people (for whom I feel love and empathy) — but I have questions: Does going no-contact (which I have done with my family) mean my son, too? He is young. I don’t want to further inflict pain on him. So far, I am not no-contact, but he goes in and out of talking to then screaming at and blaming me, dependent on his father, who is paying for my son’s PhD (his dad’s leverage). What I am saying is that the ill health and healing of scapegoats as well has repercussions for our children, who don’t want to be like us - left out, harmed, shamed, smeared — and yet by being included by extended family, they are still tarred by our stain, so to speak. I feel deep grief about this, for my son.
PS. I am a writer, and I am almost finished with my memoir of going no-contact. It has been very therapeutic writing it.
This is one of the most tragic aspects of FSA. It deserves a book of its own; the dynamics are extraordinarily complex. Like what I named FSA (family scapegoating abuse), these situations / dynamics that develop from FSA which you describe here are under-researched, poorly understood, and not socially recognized. I would love to hear about your book once published, btw.
Thank you for this — it helps just to know it is real. I have one essay out there, among a many, that gets at the isolation of being shunned:
https://theravensperch.com/draw-knife-melanie-s-smith/
I look forward to reading this and perusing your site soon, thanks for the link.
I would like a more in depth book as well as having some examples and possibly some journal prompts or exercises to clarify how the examples you give will help each person's experience .
Thank you, Donovan!
I've been told by many friends I should write a book. My life has been interesting in different ways. I'm seriously considering writing a memoir with all of those stories but highlighting my scapegoat status as the hub of all of it. I'm beyond grateful that you have finally given it a name, FSA. I think I would have benefited from hearing the term FSA and reading stories from victims years ago. Simply having a name for what you're going through and knowing you're not alone is healing. I suppose my suggestion is sharing victims stories. Thanks for all you do!
You're very welcome. I had hoped my giving a name to this poorly understood form of systemic abuse would increase awareness - I'm glad this was true for you. Sharing stories can become a legal challenge for many reasons, before, during, and after publication, or I would do this more often. I have a few people here working on memoirs and have thought of starting a discussion thread for paid subscribers (so it remains private and not available to search engines). I'll announce this if I do decide to initiate such a thread.
I would be very interested in joining a discussion group! Thanks
Hello I would like three more in-depth chapters the first on as an adult realizing that you are the scapegoat of the family not just as a child, more details on how to go no contact and the healing process/expectations of working through that with help, going alone, self care and how to best find a professional to help including things to know, ask and expect from them as far as help and support. Thank you for asking. I’m excited to read this next book
Great suggestions! It will be awhile before it comes out - I have to write it, of course, and then publishing can take a year or more, depending on which way I go (self-published or traditional).
Hell Dr M. It will be a good day when it arrives! Thank you for all you do and all the help you provide 💕
Thank you, Alise, much appreciated!
Here it is again, the word 'realize, I feel this should be a step, before Radical Acceptance, 'Radical Realization', I get hit with realizations daily, and feel that puts me further away from reaching acceptance, remaining stuck, isolated and not seeing healing is possible?
Love this term - and profoundly powerful point you make here. Tying into this along with realizations are the memories that sometimes begin to well up once one realizes the reality of FSA dynamics (even if they don't know what to call it yet) and/or limits or ends contact. Not sure if you saw our community discussion thread on this, but if not, you may want to take a look: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/ask-the-community-anyone-have-memories/comments
Trudie Pryde Joyce said:
I like to think of myself as an escaped goat rather than a scapegoat. This cracked me up! HAhaHahaHa!
I replied to her below but was afraid that the group might miss her words of wisdom. I almost did. And then I thought, this would make a great title for Rebecca's new book!
Thank you so much for asking members of this community for input about your next book. I really appreciate that. What I struggle with most is making stable friendships, especially with women in my case (I am a 63 year old woman), as my mother was the one who was most abusive and set up the scapegoating. I would love to learn about how to make and keep friendships. As a part of this issue, I find it difficult to know sometimes when I am being treated unfairly and when I am over-reacting due to past traumas. I am in therapy with an IFS therapist and am doing parts work--immensely helpful. But I go through such ups and downs and have a lot of anxiety over interpersonal struggles. It seems I just don't get subtle messages sometimes and read into them at other times. I feel lost in a house of mirrors when these issues arise. Make sense?
It makes perfect sense - I experience this myself at times, actually, and for similar reasons. I have a 2-part video on my YouTube channel on social isolation - It may speak to you a little bit, maybe not a lot. I’ll link you to part 2 which is more solution focused, part 1 is more about the experience of social isolation. And thanks for the suggestions! https://youtu.be/UimjZ5graRc
I now understand that I experienced sibling abuse at the hands of my older sister, and that both my parents neglected to do anything about it. My parents also both had unhealthy partners where my step-mother was very cruel and emotionally abusive, and my step-father was overtly and covertly sexually abusive towards me. My parents both put their heads in the sand and let these unhealthy people manipulate and abuse me, which deeply scared me for life. A few years ago, I opened up to my sister about the sexual abuse I suffered for years at the hand of my step-father, and she responded by telling me that I'm confusing my memories, it is all in my head, and how dare I not say anything until now as her children could have been victims. So I was blamed and shamed and offered no compassion or support for what I went through. Then, she launched a smear campaign against me and outed my secret to the whole family while filling their heads with her rhetoric. I am no longer in contact with any of them as they continue to side with my sister and step-father, and I have been going through severe grief and pain which stays with me every day and never dissipates. I am doing ketamine treatments which help, but the pain is still visceral and will not go away. I would like to know more about the repercussions of emotionally neglectful parents who turn a blind eye to the abuse their children suffer from, and what happens to a child when a narcissistic sibling physically and psychologically harms them, from childhood to adulthood. How can one recover after going through a lifetime of gaslighting and scapegoating, and having their entire family system, especially their care givers, put their own self-interests first while leaving the scapegoated person out to hang. How can you appease the pain and suffering caused by such abandonment and rejection when it just won’t go away.
I understand this particular issue / scenario first-hand. I am deeply sorry to know you also went through this type of traumatic invalidation and psycho-emotional pain. Thank you for sharing with us here and for suggesting it be addressed in my next book. I do mention it briefly in my introductory book on FSA, as well as multiple videos on my YouTube channel as well.
Sorry SJ, I too have an older brother(precious golden boy) that beat me up all the time, and has tried to kill me, one example, age 5 he held my face down in a mud puddle in the dirt driveway, and tried to drown me, because I didn't want to play or couldn't play bigwheel stunt driver(him crashing into me with his bike, me on bigwheel, ) painful experiences, (((((HUGS)))))
I would love to hear more about families that scapegoat sexual abuse victims/survivors when the perpetrators are also family. In sibling abuse, specifically and especially sibling sexual abuse (SSA) it is a very common reaction to disclosure. I know it falls under traumatic invalidation, but if there’s anything extra you could add, ssa is still so scarcely discussed.
Yes, I have first-hand experience with this. I mention this aspect of FSA in my book and in some of my videos but it deserves an entire chapter in my next book, for sure. Here’s a ‘short’ excerpt from a longer video I did on my YouTube channel that addresses this dynamic - I call it “the preemptive strike” that is carried out by the perpetrator of abuse so as to ensure the abuse victim is not seen as a “believable reporter.” Given I’ve been on the receiving end of this, I understand how devastating the consequences can be to the victim whose truth is negated and whose character is defamed, twisted, and distorted - trauma loaded upon trauma in the form of 'traumatic invalidation'. https://youtube.com/shorts/TY2DNMo2wZ4
I practice Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, both long-time students of Eugene Gendlin, author of Focusing. It's the best way I've found to be with parts and offer them the empathy, company, and compassion they need. Ann and Barbara have just published a book about their practice, Untangling. It's available on Amazon.
Great suggestion, Lily. Sounds like it could relate well to my section on the 'Gordian Knot' aspects of recovering from FSA, and the need to 'slice through' and not try to untangle this knot. I plan to read this myself. Here’s the Amazon link, for others who are interested: https://www.amazon.com/Untangling-Transform-Whats-Impossibly-Stuck/dp/B0D3QXGF98/
I practice Inner Relationship Focusing, developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin, both long-time students of Eugene Gendlin, author of Focusing. It's the best way I've found to be with parts and offer them the empathy, company, and compassion they need. Ann and Barbara have just published a book about their practice, Untangling. It's available on Amazon. Ann's website for Inner Relationship Focusing is focusingresources.com.
Tim Desmond has some excellent books about cultivating self-compassion, including The Self-Compassion Skills Workbook.
Thanks, Lily. Do you know the 'Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook'? https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Workbook-Yourself-Strength/dp/1462526780/
You ROCK Rebecca! Haven't been able to purchase your book R.B&S. Yet, but have been watching your YouTube for a year and 6 months now, and continue to do so, I'm so glad you are ok, from your illness, I can relate 100%, born a month and half early, I wasn't fully developed, so my childhood was spent in hospitals, always a two week stay with phenomena, up until I was 10yrs old, when I had surgery to remove adenoids a second time, and tubes in my ears for the third time, the hospital stays magically disappeared, I still got sick, but was taught how to ignore it, and be the best emo punching bag housegirl you've ever seen, at age 11. So I propose, (even though I haven't read the book, I think a workbook, could be a nice follow up? Specially one that focuses on FSA,, Future Strategies & Afterwards,? LoL something more physical than writing? I love to write, but I write one sentence and start shaking uncontrollably, and my head twitches, occasionally I have to smack myself in the face pretty hard to regain focus, then off I go on hyperflight,, (took me an hour to type this) Thank you for being YOU Rebecca! Keep ROCKIN FSA research, on behalf of the world's Goaters!
Sincerely
Isolated Grey Rocker 💙
Thank you, Wendy! The 'Blue Heart' emoji is one of my 'signature' emoticons, has a lot of meaning for me on multiple / various levels. Did you already see my video on FSA and chronic illness? Here's the link in case you didn't: https://youtu.be/ytSdn8nQCBg // Also, my resource list for FSA survivors for other possible approaches to healing: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources // Regarding more physical modalities: Trauma is held in the body and so somatic awareness / approaches are critical. If you haven't yet checked out Dr. Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transcending the Living Legacy of Trauma', I highly recommend it - it is on the resource list I linked you to.
THANK YOU! and the "Blue Heart" is what my intuition told me, something that's been suppressed for 52yrs, or distorted, I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse, either way, I'm re-juvinated with Hope, now that I've finally figured out how to comment on here, and be heard, and my existence validated, I don't feel hopelessly Alone, it's Safe here, and won't land me in the second floor of our hospital, (psyche ward), and whatever you decide to do with your next book, it's gonna ROCK! 💙💙💙
Thanks, Wendy. I always like to stress that no group can be guaranteed to be perfectly safe, but I do believe you will have a good experience here. You can also message me here directly if you have any concerns so I can try to assist.
What excellent news - I can't wait! I like primers and workbooks myself because I like application, reflection, food for thought, quotes, sentence starters, vocabulary, journal questions, personal inventories, charts, case studies, infographics, etc. in my own psychoeducation. They lend themselves well to introverts and extroverts alike, in that they can be kept private, shared with a friend, sponsor or therapist, or shared in study circles. In terms of content for a book or workbook, I'd love a Family Systems 101 primer/workbook because it's the foundation for nearly everything else, and a lot can be built off of that in terms of the different themes, facets and dimensions of FSA. A lot of people get stuck in the toxicity and may never even know recovery, so I think workbooks are a good way to teach people that our recovery depends upon keeping the focus upon ourselves, getting to know ourselves deeper so we can mind our own lane and heal. I see it as a balance between theory (primer) and recovery (workbook). This is very exciting news :)
Thanks, Robin. I just now looked on Amazon and was surprised that there are very few books on Family Systems theory - but plenty of books on Internal Family Systems, which is a very different thing. There’s a comprehensive book on Bowenian-focused Family Systems theory; Bowen is the model I reference in my first FSA book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. However, my work is also influenced by Salvador Minuchin and Virginia Satir and you don’t hear much about them anymore. Link to Bowen book here if you are interested. https://www.amazon.com/Eight-Concepts-Bowen-Theory-ebook/dp/B005XAQBLO/
Hi Rebecca - thanks for this ... Bowen's name just hit my radar as I'm studying Childress' work for alienated child/parent scenarios. Dr. Childress also talks a lot about Salvador Minuchin. I found it on Amazon so have another good recovery book for my autumn reading list! :)
I love Salvador Minuchin’s work - Got to watch him working via video at inpatient units where the family identified patient (IP) was the focus of the family until Minuchin got involved - really masterful how he would align with the IP and give them a voice so they were not overpowered by the (scapegoating) family system. Also got to see him ‘live’ as a very old man; he was so revered but he opened his speech by sharing his overpowering experience (life long) of Impostor Syndrome. He is a controversial figure among feminists but this man was brilliant when it came to breaking family homeostasis - If you can ever get a hold of those videos (usually available for family systems students) you will see what I mean when you watch him work live with families where the IP is the focus.
I'll look for him on YouTube and see what I can find. I'd never heard of him before Dr. Childress lectured about him, so I have good research ahead.
I had another idea for another book: a textbook/encyclopedia of family scapegoating abuse. I'm imagining something that could potentially get picked up as a textbook in undergraduate "human services" programs like psych, law, education, medicine, social work, etc.
Minuchin, along with Bowen and Virginia Satir, were early and powerful voices within the Family Systems field half a century ago. A book like yours is needed - The term I created via my research, 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), describes certain, specific aspects of scapegoating as a phenomenon, as presented in my book. You may want to keep a textbook on scapegoating more general (on family scapegoating versus FSA) so you can cover more territory. You could reference my FSA work with citations, etc (or longer pieces via a permissions request) - if you launch such a project feel free to message me directly here to discuss, I'd be happy to assist.
I'm sorry, I was ambiguous! I'm not writing a book, I was responding to your call for ideas from the community. My own research is learning more about Family Systems ... it's my next piece of the puzzle, and purely for my own psychoeducation and to help me as I begin to traverse the legal system.
PS, if you’ve read my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), you already know I use Bowen as my primary model for family systems - I stuck with one theorist so as not to overwhelm the reader as most are new to Family Systems (not to be confused with Internal Family Systems/IFS).
I have read your book and it was so good, that I'm excited to hear you're conjuring the next. Yes, IFS is confusing so thanks for the clarification. I've requested individual counseling for me until I can get connected with my regular therapist, and requested Family Systems focus. I know nothing beyond a few role labels, so this is going to be very helpful in learning to detach from the legal conflict with my sister about to erupt. I'm going to poke around on Audible and see what I can find.
It makes a big difference with my clients when they get some basic Family Systems education from me. It becomes relatively easy to see that the family system itself is problematic - and the scapegoat target is not the problem. Doing a Family Genogram is also advisable, albeit a bit arduous at times - for my grad students, the Genogram was what blew them away the most, so many things about themselves and their family experiences became strikingly clear. More information here: https://genopro.com/genogram/
Thank you for this! It looks really interesting and I'll dig in this weekend. :)
Zo Weeeeeeeeee! It's a good thing I'm...well by nature of being an escaped goat...and we all know goats are stubborn uhuh! I'm also stubborn. Or you could say, I'm a persistent goat, one of my superpowers.
Yesterday I lost contact with the group and my other Substack stuff. And, my land line went down. I don't have a cell phone- I don't want one.
I re-booted everything - lost track of what went where and everything went down...TV, Internet...oof
Well turns out goats can be cranky too! Imagine! Superpower version would be speak up and try not to lose my cool! ehehehe
Escaped goat persisted, albeit cranky ! and got er done! YUP
I'm happy to report that all is fixed cause I'm a fierce goat too!
What solved the Substack issue was re-setting Chrome to its original settings so they can blast me with ads. WARNING I would like people to know that the above process will force you to re-set some of your preferences - it's really just little stuff but I wasn't prepared and cranky for real NOW!!!
- on Chrome you will see 3 little dots, they should be on the right side of your screen. Click settings from the drop down menu and you'll be able to click on what you need! I had to choose US English or Canadian English, set spell-check back on...adjust my screen fonts, etc.
I'm psyched that all my techy stuff is working. Special shout out to Rebecca for all the kindness and help you gave me the last two days...I'm taking in the good stuff, couldn't do that for a long time.
Lise - Fierce Goat
Wonderful to hear, Lise - Your persistence paid off! So, was it something in your Chrome settings (like Ad blockers) that was keeping you from receiving your Substack notifications?
Yup...not sure what except for one thing, whenever I try to change my privacy preferences with Google- Gmail or Microsoft everything gets scrambled. I don't have a cell, I don't participate of any of the social media sites, yet...they keep intruding me with their ads.
If I could suggest one thing it would be for Substack to have live chat agents. This AI stuff is intrusive and offensive to me! Sending you a big HUG! While I've been writing this YEA I'm getting posts from you!
Lise - Fierce Girl
That would be nice but I doubt that live agents will ever happen, they are incredibly short-staffed and still building financial robustness currently.
Hahahahaha!
Hey! I'm getting notified whenever you like or respond to my post(s)
I would like to see how envy towards the scapegoat - especially when the scapegoat is talented at. something and how the family members secretly sabotage that scapegoat's talents, such as playing the piano, sabotaging success behind the scenes in school by unduly influencing teachers behind the scapegoat's back, secretly sabotaging the scapegoat at workplace by recruiting co-workers to bully, stalk, intimidate, provoke the scapegoat, leading to fear of employment, job loss and career loss. Inability to go to school due to Title IX violations. I would like to see how a scapegoat overcomes being targeted by powerful members of authority - in the legal profession who misuse his or her authority - like my mother does to me (retired police commissioner and lawyer) who target the scapegoat to blame the scapegoat for everything including labeling me a "difficult child" in order to justify medical slander (practice without a valid medical license) as "mentally ill" in order to stalk, intimidate, harass in workplace and in school, sabotaging work and career.
Thank you for this suggestion. It is a genuine aspect of the FSA phenomenon, particularly in families with (as you say here) power, authority, influence, money - and where the family system itself is narcissistic in its construct. Regarding envy and talent: You might want to watch my video here on 'bizarre realities' FSA adult survivors experience: https://youtu.be/J7oHsRjBHRE
Hi Rebecca! I just finished your revised "Rejected, Shamed & Blamed" book. It was captivating! I have a hard time reading after some neurologic injury, but I breezed through it. It is SO informative, SO beautifully written, and SO healing. I LOVE how succinct it is - full of so much information without the fluff, yet it's written in a warm, inviting, healing tone. You mastered it! It's perfect! Every word is perfect. I have let it percolate the last two days and, from an intuitive place, what I would crave next is a little pocketbook full of these incredible affirmations you write. Yes, that is what is calling me - a short affirmation book ... then your 3rd book could be more clinical again. An affirmation book would really help me heal. Back to your first book: Numerous places in your book, my jaw dropped to the floor ... I never put together how the family of origin can pull in your spouse (such sh*t, my whole world makes sense now), and more. Thank you for putting all of your eye opening observations and research into one slim book that we can reference over and over as we heal. You really are gifted at these Affirmations! Better than Shatki Gawain's!!! 💜
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your letting me know how my book impacted you. Someone left a review in German in Germany and my friend is fluent in German and lives there so I asked him what it said. He said the reviewer shared that my book is similar to a little candy bar they have in Germany that is small but filled with all kinds of good things. I really liked that review. It is indeed brief but dense. I can't stand fluff in books myself and get annoyed by it which is another reason I self-published as the traditional Publishers that invited me to publish through them wanted me to put in a lot of fluff. I've also thought of doing an affirmation book next and then a clinical book so that might be the direction I go in because I think I could get an affirmation book out pretty quickly. Appreciate this suggestion!