I sometimes wonder if I truly enjoy my hobbies for the hobby’s sake, or is it just about the fashion? (!) For example, I golf (badly), but only because I found these amazing ‘Jean Harlow’ type golf shoes that are white patent leather with faux-leopard panels on the side. And I found golf clubs with cat heads on the top and the eyes are rhinestone (lost some due to a storage break-in, sadly). And I take ballet classes several times a week and most look forward to putting my ballet workout outfit together. And on and on it goes…
Oh wow, Rebecca you take ballet classes too! That's impressive! You sing, you golf, you wrote a book on FSA, have gotten FSA research papers out to the world, you have a massive amount of posts and interactions re FSA on YouTube, you publish weekly articles on Substack about FSA and hold space for an FSA community that you are very interactive with, all while providing support to a loved with health issues. Really amazing!
Oh, thank you for this, Rosalee. AND I still try to reply to all my comments on YouTube. I am two months behind now so I think that one will go out the window soon. They can subscribe here if they want to connect with me. I am prioritizing my Substack now above everything else (in my professional life that is!) - my paid community, here especially.
I don't know how you could keep up anymore with replies on YouTube along with everything else. There would need to be at least 2 or 3 Rebecca clones! I forgot to mention you also have your website!
No, no. It is preposterous to choose hobbies that promote flourishing in one’s life simply based on the sake of sincere personal affinity for said pleasurable activities…which simultaneously require you to don anything THE Jean Harlow would dub ghastly or garish.
Poppycock!
Or, something similarly referred as equal to our “nonsense” of the boring banality of real life in these last days before the Apocalypse - but in the Golden Age of Hollywood vocabulary of fancy.
I took up tennis for the pleated skirts, attended every cocktail party in the city just for an excuse to purchase a sparkly dress (because sadly, I discovered there were no adult proms happening in my neck of the woods - which is a travesty), and even a trivia night at the local new pizzeria can only be enjoyed when wearing complementary accessories.
I know those EXACT shoes. From Nordstrom. Because I owned the same pair to only wear twice when I pretended to enjoy watching men I reluctantly worked with golf.
It was all subterfuge for the momentous joy of doing doughnuts in the little carts on the green without a golf cart license of any kind.
Teetotaler who used to put up with sunburned, cigar breathing, sweating scotch out the crotch menfolk that now seem like the perverts in plaid shirts I thought they probably were, but I was younger and it was a feather in my boa when those drunken idiots allowed me, a mere little lady person, to chauffeur their fundraising for arbitrary charity events.
It was really about the shoes.
I have to forgive my ignorant youthful self for thinking that they would never misbehave in public with their HR department head, but that doesn’t stop the president, why would it stop a capital partner of a hell of a lawyer?
Fuck you, Chuck.
(He knows.)
Stream of consciousness talking: I had three vintage pairs of Chuck Taylor’s stitched with floral fabrics into my style of Anthologie meets my own boutique brand (which I lost 60K of inventory in the bonfire) in was my first ever LLC venture.
Marigold’s - I watched a lot of Downton Abbey.
Well, I haven’t slept in three days because I don’t do that anymore.
Apparently, I write really weird shit that screams: I hate misogynistic men who treat women terribly and have infiltrated my entire existence with nothing but contempt and arson. Yet it seems as though they keep multiplying like Gremlins at a pool party.
They get away with everything and leave us behind - soleless - as in I miss my shoes.
And…everything that made me feel surrounded by peace. I curated a space that was filled with happiness and hope. It wasn’t perfect, but it was mine.
Hello.. My father died four months ago and I have had minimal contact with my mother but i have become very aware of her presence in my own head. We were enmeshed and I over identified and have over functioned for her in the past but am struggling to have a sense of self in my own head. I am working on inner and outer boundaries and cultivating my own sense of self but something else has come up which has made me curious. I watched a programme in the UK last week called couples therapy and in it there was a woman who has gone no contact with her own mother. The therapist in discussion with her supervisor was talking about how children who choose to go no contact can assume the persona of the mother (in this case) in order to preserve and maintain a relationship almost taking on the identity of the other person including their not so helpful traits. I am curious to understand more about these ideas and apologies for maybe not explaining well but hopefully you can understand what I mean.
Interesting, Georgina! My personal experience has been somewhat of the opposite, thank goodness --- b/c not becoming like my mother or any other narcissistic family member of mine is the driving motivation for me to remain no contact. Both my sister and I lived our lives enmeshed with our mother. Probably myself moreso b/c for most of my life my personality & mannerisms were always almost identical to my mother's. As I've distanced myself from the family system the last few years and felt freer to let my True Self continue to emerge, my personality & behaviors have continued to morph away from my mother's and my sister has now turned into almost a clone of our mother. Not long before I went no contact my sister's texts had even taken on the same words & tone of my mother's. It was eerie. My first therapist from over a decade ago had told me that 1 of us (my sister or I) would escape the family system & the other would become our mother. Weird to watch that now actually unfolding...That, of course, doesn't mean that the scenario you described doesn't happen; just wanted to offer my lived experience for whatever it's worth.
Similar to what happens when a parent dies. Due to the unconscious desire to maintain the former homeostasis, suddenly one more siblings are channeling the departed (scapegoating) parent! Unpleasant surprise - even shocking - when it happens. Sometimes right there at the funeral.
Hi Georgina, yes, this can be an unconscious way to maintain the original family homeostasis AND keep the parent engagement via the 'introjected object'. Internal Family Systems (IFS) addresses such introjections. I wonder if Dr. Rogoff can address this - would you like me to ask him? Otherwise, I can talk about it from a Family Systems / homeostasis perspective.
I’m so excited! 😊
I know, I can’t wait! Best of all, I already have my outfit planned, ha!
I used to live for that single, solitary, and very NOT superficial purpose sometimes every moment of every day.
I would love to hold a candlelight vigil for my lost shoe family, but sadly, some people think that’s shallow.
I’m sure you’ll agree I’ve been unfairly shoe shamed and that the only truth in healing shoe shame is a celestial stroll through Saks.
It was once my sanctuary and salvation. For shoe shopping.
I sometimes wonder if I truly enjoy my hobbies for the hobby’s sake, or is it just about the fashion? (!) For example, I golf (badly), but only because I found these amazing ‘Jean Harlow’ type golf shoes that are white patent leather with faux-leopard panels on the side. And I found golf clubs with cat heads on the top and the eyes are rhinestone (lost some due to a storage break-in, sadly). And I take ballet classes several times a week and most look forward to putting my ballet workout outfit together. And on and on it goes…
Oh wow, Rebecca you take ballet classes too! That's impressive! You sing, you golf, you wrote a book on FSA, have gotten FSA research papers out to the world, you have a massive amount of posts and interactions re FSA on YouTube, you publish weekly articles on Substack about FSA and hold space for an FSA community that you are very interactive with, all while providing support to a loved with health issues. Really amazing!
Oh, thank you for this, Rosalee. AND I still try to reply to all my comments on YouTube. I am two months behind now so I think that one will go out the window soon. They can subscribe here if they want to connect with me. I am prioritizing my Substack now above everything else (in my professional life that is!) - my paid community, here especially.
I don't know how you could keep up anymore with replies on YouTube along with everything else. There would need to be at least 2 or 3 Rebecca clones! I forgot to mention you also have your website!
She plays the piano 🎹 too!!
That is incredible, she is so very talented!
No, no. It is preposterous to choose hobbies that promote flourishing in one’s life simply based on the sake of sincere personal affinity for said pleasurable activities…which simultaneously require you to don anything THE Jean Harlow would dub ghastly or garish.
Poppycock!
Or, something similarly referred as equal to our “nonsense” of the boring banality of real life in these last days before the Apocalypse - but in the Golden Age of Hollywood vocabulary of fancy.
I took up tennis for the pleated skirts, attended every cocktail party in the city just for an excuse to purchase a sparkly dress (because sadly, I discovered there were no adult proms happening in my neck of the woods - which is a travesty), and even a trivia night at the local new pizzeria can only be enjoyed when wearing complementary accessories.
I know those EXACT shoes. From Nordstrom. Because I owned the same pair to only wear twice when I pretended to enjoy watching men I reluctantly worked with golf.
It was all subterfuge for the momentous joy of doing doughnuts in the little carts on the green without a golf cart license of any kind.
Teetotaler who used to put up with sunburned, cigar breathing, sweating scotch out the crotch menfolk that now seem like the perverts in plaid shirts I thought they probably were, but I was younger and it was a feather in my boa when those drunken idiots allowed me, a mere little lady person, to chauffeur their fundraising for arbitrary charity events.
It was really about the shoes.
I have to forgive my ignorant youthful self for thinking that they would never misbehave in public with their HR department head, but that doesn’t stop the president, why would it stop a capital partner of a hell of a lawyer?
Fuck you, Chuck.
(He knows.)
Stream of consciousness talking: I had three vintage pairs of Chuck Taylor’s stitched with floral fabrics into my style of Anthologie meets my own boutique brand (which I lost 60K of inventory in the bonfire) in was my first ever LLC venture.
Marigold’s - I watched a lot of Downton Abbey.
Well, I haven’t slept in three days because I don’t do that anymore.
Apparently, I write really weird shit that screams: I hate misogynistic men who treat women terribly and have infiltrated my entire existence with nothing but contempt and arson. Yet it seems as though they keep multiplying like Gremlins at a pool party.
They get away with everything and leave us behind - soleless - as in I miss my shoes.
And…everything that made me feel surrounded by peace. I curated a space that was filled with happiness and hope. It wasn’t perfect, but it was mine.
Oh alright - I confess: I golfed only to drive those bad-ass golf carts (way too fast, by the way)!
Looking forward to this Rebecca!
Me too!!!
I will definitely be tuning in to this livestream Rebecca! Really looking forward to it!
Awesome, Rosalee - look forward to seeing you there!!
Looking forward to this!!!
Hello.. My father died four months ago and I have had minimal contact with my mother but i have become very aware of her presence in my own head. We were enmeshed and I over identified and have over functioned for her in the past but am struggling to have a sense of self in my own head. I am working on inner and outer boundaries and cultivating my own sense of self but something else has come up which has made me curious. I watched a programme in the UK last week called couples therapy and in it there was a woman who has gone no contact with her own mother. The therapist in discussion with her supervisor was talking about how children who choose to go no contact can assume the persona of the mother (in this case) in order to preserve and maintain a relationship almost taking on the identity of the other person including their not so helpful traits. I am curious to understand more about these ideas and apologies for maybe not explaining well but hopefully you can understand what I mean.
Interesting, Georgina! My personal experience has been somewhat of the opposite, thank goodness --- b/c not becoming like my mother or any other narcissistic family member of mine is the driving motivation for me to remain no contact. Both my sister and I lived our lives enmeshed with our mother. Probably myself moreso b/c for most of my life my personality & mannerisms were always almost identical to my mother's. As I've distanced myself from the family system the last few years and felt freer to let my True Self continue to emerge, my personality & behaviors have continued to morph away from my mother's and my sister has now turned into almost a clone of our mother. Not long before I went no contact my sister's texts had even taken on the same words & tone of my mother's. It was eerie. My first therapist from over a decade ago had told me that 1 of us (my sister or I) would escape the family system & the other would become our mother. Weird to watch that now actually unfolding...That, of course, doesn't mean that the scenario you described doesn't happen; just wanted to offer my lived experience for whatever it's worth.
Similar to what happens when a parent dies. Due to the unconscious desire to maintain the former homeostasis, suddenly one more siblings are channeling the departed (scapegoating) parent! Unpleasant surprise - even shocking - when it happens. Sometimes right there at the funeral.
Hi Georgina, yes, this can be an unconscious way to maintain the original family homeostasis AND keep the parent engagement via the 'introjected object'. Internal Family Systems (IFS) addresses such introjections. I wonder if Dr. Rogoff can address this - would you like me to ask him? Otherwise, I can talk about it from a Family Systems / homeostasis perspective.
Hi Rebecca. That would be amazing if yourself OR Dr Rogoff would talk about this. Thankyou. I'm looking forward to tuning in? Xx
Defly won't miss out on this -- The topic hits so close to home for me!
Glad you'll be there and feel free to ask questions!