I’m halfway through, because I need to go for a short walk. I think this should be in newspapers and school curricula. Brain feels such relief at having it all laid out so neatly. Like nesting dolls.
Ps. Read the full article, thank you so much for writing this! Will be sharing it far and wide. As a Pashtun person (Afghan/Pakistani), this clicked for me on so many levels and genuinely brings me peace. Having this monster unseen by the rest of the world feels like the bigger danger than even facing it!
Yes, dear Aun, please share far and wide. Remind people who are not subscribed that they can read the post by clicking on 'I'll explore a bit first" if they don't want to subscribe. I am deeply grateful you resonated so strongly with this post and feel you benefited by it. Perhaps a topic for us to cover in a future live video stream Collab?
I am so so so happy to see this. Edward Said, a great scholar from Jerusalem, asked in his essay, Reflections on Exile, "Is it not true that…exile…is produced by human beings for other human beings; and that, like death but without death’s ultimate mercy, it has torn millions of people from the nourishment of tradition, family and geography?” The line “death without death’s ultimate mercy” hit me hard. Being the exile in a particularly brutal family system, and bearing the load of toxic shame, death can seem like a welcome solution. How many of us have contemplated ending our own lives, because we are denied our own humanity? This post is so timely. Family splitting is racial splitting is national splitting is global splitting. In my own healing, I have turned to the writings of scapegoated people and concluded that, for me, "All the work I have done to heal leads me away from myself. To survivors, the world over. That’s where I find true family. People gutted by violence from domestic abuse to genocide. Survivors of injustice. We are kin.” It shakes us, but in connectedness, we can heal.
Rebecca, this work — your work, the work of survivors, is radical in the true meaning of the word, "getting at the root.” Seeing my own healing work in a larger context has without doubt given me the sense that I belong to a larger family, and I am not alone. As always, thank you.
Your comment is one I would love to share with others, Melanie, via a restack. Would that be okay with you? I also resonate strongly with what you shared here, and reference. I remember when a dear friend transitioned and was immediately cut off by their mother - this was over 20 years ago. We had a long talk and I likened their experience to forced immigration due to genocide at home. So we are thinking along the same track. We may want to discuss doing a live video stream Collab on this topic down the road, and/or if you ever publish something that expands on your comment here, please let me know so I can share it here with my subscribers.
I tried to do a writing group on my Substack but it was too much for me to manage right now. I would love to be a part of any writing group that gets started by either one of you!
This article was exactly what I needed at the precise time of needing it. Thank you for writing and posting. I am just beginning to feel relief from escaping my family and found the information helpful. I will be ordering these books. I have always been active in social justice work but had not connected the interest to an extension of my personal experiences. How fascinating.
Good to hear Catherine. My ebook is on sale on Amazon internationally, by the way ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, which is my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse/FSA). There are many threads weaving between social justice and FSA, so I imagine my book will spark some thought. As might another term I coined, 'righteous rage', which of course, may at times fuel and propel activism related to social injustice. You also may be interested in an article I wrote awhile back on my website where I reference Kafka's novel, 'The Trial' - an apt description of scapegoating dynamics - and associated injustices - at its core. https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/06/29/injustices-of-family-scapegoating-fsa/
Ahhh you did it again Rebecca! I am so grateful for this explication of the systemic nature of scapegoating. Once you see it it’s so obvious and endemic - I see it everywhere I turn. Nesting dolls is a beautiful metaphor - those of us who are “othered” find ourselves and each other here in your naming of what has happened to us. FSA is soul-killing, a brutal violation at the essence of our being. The fact this community exists is a testament and outcome of your work - it is life giving and life saving; thank you as always for what you contribute. I feel such deep affinity with you and all my fellows here! It is a beautiful beautiful thing on this late winter morning and amid a sometimes terrifying political climate in which these very dynamics are playing out all around us.
Thank you again, Kelly. I have a genuine passion for exploring and discussing systems and individual (intra-psychic) and systemic 'splitting' - as you may have noticed by now. It is at the root of so many ills in society - yet rarely addressed or discussed in places (systems) where it could make a difference. I'm grateful to see such a strong positive response to this post; I've been wanting to write it for some time and finally had some space to do so.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Moral Panic is rampant in our politics, and I am starting to see signs, in my daily interactions in 'small towns', that many Americans are leaning in to combat this terrifying situation. (Exam of fear: My daughter is even starting to have actual nightmares that the neurolink brain implants are finding humans to experiment on in G. Bay.) I believe your work on FSA is VITAL and I am making sure my entire community gets copies of your book and the beautiful support we all deserve.
I very much appreciate this - Thank you for so generously sharing my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) with others. BTW - the Kindle version is on sale right now on Amazon and it may still be on sale over on Smashwords.
What a timely and deeply insightful article. Thank you for sharing, Rebecca. I think any of us who have been scapegoated are able to see how far and wide the societal impact of scapegoating really is. I understand better now, as someone who has worked extensively with immigrants and refugees, and is now an ESL teacher to Hispanic kids, why I am drawn so much to these 'otherized' and marginalized communities. In so many ways, I relate to them. I see myself in them. They are 'my people.' Even within my own school, I've connected the most with the kids other teachers have given up on or don't want to deal with. Those are the kids I want to reach the most, help the most. Because I get it. Injustice of any kind, scapegoating of any kind, marginalization of any kind, infuriates me, because I know how much it hurts. Thank you for continuing to do such a valuable work, bringing more awareness to the insidious and deeply damaging effects of scapegoating, whether in families, or in a larger societal context, and giving a voice to those who have been silenced for far too long.
Beautifully put, April. Thank you for sharing your personal connection to societal scapegoating and for this deeply insightful comment. When I look back over my career, nearly all of my jobs before I went into private practice involved helping the disenfranchised: Homeless mentally ill (double or triple diagnosed); SED children who were too violent to be in any type of regular special ed school; psychotic teens in residential treatment centers; drug & alcohol treatment centers where I educated the families, who rarely got the education or support they needed - the list goes on and on. Meaning, I can relate to a large portion of what you wrote!
Wow...that's inspiring. I'm sure you were a blessing to all those you served! And I bet such a diverse work experience has given you even greater insight into scapegoating. I've also worked with the homeless a bit--although their situations broke my heart (many were mentally ill as well), I loved working with them. Really opened my eyes to the desperate, tragic lives of so many who go unnoticed or looked down on by society. Just showing them kindness and human decency, and meeting their practical needs, was rewarding.
I agree. I met some amazing people there. Many of those who had hallucinations and 'visions' were highly spiritual and it was inspiring to work with them as, as I am transpersonally-oriented and was able to positively reflect and mirror some of the profoundly moving images they shared with me.
Reading your work, I see my own experience reflected—not just in family, yet in the structures that shaped my entire life. Scapegoating wasn’t just something that happened *to* me. It defined the spaces I was allowed to exist in, the narratives imposed on me, and the way even institutions reinforced that role. It didn’t stop at home. It followed me everywhere.
Part of why I am working to leave my country of birth is because I never belonged here. Not in my family, not in the culture that upheld these dynamics, not in the systems that demanded I stay within a role I never chose. I see now how deeply this runs—not just in my life, yet in the way societies function. Your work gives structure to what I have spent years naming for myself.
I appreciate your letting me know these insights as applied to your own life and experiences. May I share your comment here as a restack? I found it to be very poignant, as well as powerful - and important.
Yes, of course, might you share my comments as a restack, Rebecca. I appreciate you asking. Please know that I will always agree to that. I’m sharing my experience in the hope that it may resonate with others.
As always, your work is so thought provoking. I read your article before I went to sleep. I woke up this morning to a deeper understanding of a patterned response from my childhood.
I know I am the allotted scapegoat, that I am expected to carry the guilt and shame of my family system. What I did not see, even though it has played out over and over in my adult life in jobs, recovery communities, church and relationships, is the connection between hero and scapegoat.
There was an abnormally high expectation to make the family look good within society through creative talent and performance. Because the expectation was unattainable, no matter how hard I tried, it inevitably led to failure. It seems the failure was the ultimate goal for the system. It opened me up to become a garbage can for everyone else’s inability to succeed. I would rise, rise, rise—falter—the house of cards tumbling; me falling from grace, ending in humiliation, sometimes public humiliation. Abandoned and reviled once again.
Sometimes, during the rise, I would feel comfortable enough in my position to challenge the system. A heartfelt cry to express authenticity. — Always a no, no, punishable by excommunication from community, loss of job, the silent treatment i.e. “ghosting” or the systems requirement for a public apology of wrongdoing which feels like being burned at the stake.
Having completed my novel/memoir, I am astounded by just how many times I have taken part in this pattern. I will not call myself a victim. This is so much larger than my single life, as you point out. My challenge is to take my newfound awareness and not take "the bait" during the rise. Being “the golden child” within a corporate structure, “the wise one” in a recovery group. “the hope” of the family or, in a relationship, the one “worthy” of love-bombing. Balance and boundaries...
“Holy Shit! What a mess.”
Thank you for being you. I hear you loud and clear. xox Rachel
Oh, I SO 'get this', Rachel. These dynamics you describe would be especially the case in a narcissistic family system, where appearances are everything. I find myself in an interesting position of wanting to shed my nearly life-long role as 'helper' (which began in very early childhood due to having a disabled father), and yet, my public identity and professional identity is one of 'helper'. Intriguing dilemma. Substack has been helpful because I can identify as an "author" and researcher and am not acting as a therapist here, so it has suited my needs at this time very well in this regard. Also, finding community here where I can be my full self, not just 'therapist' and projection recipient. I have lost all tolerance for being a human projection screen (which also goes back to early childhood), which is why I do not work as a clinician anymore, only as a trauma-informed / FSA-informed coach. More room to be my full self in a coaching role.
All of my metaphorical “burning at the stake” experiences sprung from a desire to help, especially while functioning in an unconscious state. The statements:
“You are a city on a hill.”
And,
“Don’t hide your light under a bushel,” come to mind.
Shining a light on or being a light in a system run by monsters is a dangerous business. In my awakened state, I am less willing to fall on the proverbial sword. Ever notice how quickly those requesting help turn right around and join the oppressors? Still, recovery comes with an obligation to spread the word and provide a compassionate landing spot for genuine seekers.
In 12-Step recovery rooms, sponsorship is an expectation. It took years for me to bring balance to that role. Any time another person’s recovery became more important to me than it was to them, I learned to back off. It’s not my duty to lead anyone out by the hand. All I have is my story, which is laden with hard work from multiple disciplines.
I can not alleviate suffering. I can only be free from suffering, which takes an enormous and constant flow of self-love and acceptance. Oh, how I wish I could give my fellow scapegoats a blood transfusion laced with freedom. Believe me, I tried. One thing I have noticed is the addictive nature of the scapegoats’ suffering. It lights up dirty-crack emotions infusing the mind and body with a blanket of self-pity to attract attention and force comfort from anyone who will listen.
Damn, that’s dark.
Back to the light. With my escape comes a moral imperative to stand firm and show others how I got this far. The rest is up to them. One of my common responses to those desperate late night calls is, “When you are ready to do the work, let me know.”
You have discovered a balanced approach to “helping.” It feels good to hear you describe your newfound boundaries. I love this line from The Big Book, “Praying only for his will for us and the power to carry it out.” I expect I will continue to step on land mine’s here and there, but they are fewer with much more time and space between them.
Wishing you the very best in your journey and calling.
Thanks for another interesting and thoughtful article. I wonder about workplaces. Are scapegoats in their families at work made redundant more often and on flimsiest grounds? Thanks in advance
Great question. I used to give conference presentations to LMFTs on how we may find ourselves working in systems that mirror our family-of-origin and may find ourselves in the same role we were in in our FOO. There are many possible 'reasons' for this; my view leans more transpersonal; I see it as an invitation for us to wake up to the patterns keeping us ensnared in projections and splitting so we can begin to wake up and heal.
Thanks for a swift reply. I thought about it as well. Similar dynamic occurs in a group, such as class or workplace, resembling your FOO. I gave redundancy as a probably drastic example, but there are other, more subtle ways to make someone feel excluded and blamed.
I also thought about fawning response and "be like it them". I guess you could never be like them, no matter how hard you try.
You mapped this out with such clarity. I’ve lived it for over 50 years—first as the designated scapegoat, then as the one who saw the patterns beyond the family, woven into the systems that shape entire societies. It’s all connected. What starts in the home, unchallenged, expands outward.
"Be Like Us" scapegoating hit me hard. The demand for conformity, the punishment for stepping outside the prescribed role—I've known that enforcement intimately. It’s a survival strategy for the system, not for the individual. The price of breaking free is high, yet staying trapped is even costlier.
Your breakdown of systemic reinforcement is exactly what more people need to understand. The legal system, mental health field, and broader socio-political structures don’t just mirror these dynamics—they uphold them. If you’re already labeled, already cast as the problem, every institution you encounter confirms the verdict before you even speak.
Breaking the cycle takes more than awareness. It takes the willingness to stand in the discomfort of being the one who refuses to play the role anymore. I see what you’re doing here—laying it out, piece by piece, so others can see it too. That matters.
Your last paragraph is very true - and very powerful. One of my greatest challenges in regard to the promotion of my FSA research and related content has been learning to endure discomfort, hostility, online attacks, a devaluing of my work (which is harder to do, now that it is peer-reviewed and quantitative, not "just" qualitative - as if people's lives experience is meaningless) - And as a highly sensitive person who feels all of this in my body energetically, I'm honestly surprised I'm still out here "fighting the good fight." At least now that I'm on Substack and forming a community here, I no longer feel like I am fighting it in isolation. Again, so happy to have met you here, Jay.
You write about people the world isn’t ready to receive—people like me. Those who defy every box, every expectation, every imposed standard. Neurodivergent, lesbian, non-binary, highly sensitive, highly sensible, multi-potentialite. High IQ, high EQ, disabled. Too much for a world that insists on categories, yet unwilling to shrink to fit inside them.
I might be an extreme case of diversity, yet I know I’m not alone in this. The systems that resist us are the same ones that resist your work. Not because it isn’t true, but because truth threatens what is easier left unchallenged. That’s why your work matters. It isn’t just about naming what happens—it’s about making space for those who refuse to be reshaped to fit.
Brilliantly said, Jay. Like most of my subscribers and followers of my FSA work. I innately am completely unable / unwilling to morph myself into something or someone to satisfy another's needs, wants, or expectations, for better or for worse. This is what ultimately fueled the FSA behaviors displayed toward me in my family, and this is also what got me into "trouble" at jobs where I noticed and protested against individual and systemic abuses (for example, I "blew the whistle" on the first skilled nursing facility to be formerly charged with homicide in a court of law here in the U.S. - I was only in my thirties then and I still wonder how I did what I did, it was terrifying). The beauty of my deciding to research on - then name - FSA is it led me to a beautiful community here on Substack, and at last I feel I have found my "tribe" - a place where I belong. It is a very good feeling, indeed. And a long-time coming. The fact that my work helps others and is appreciated internationally is simply icing on the case.
That unwillingness to morph, to shrink, to silence yourself—it’s everything. And it comes at a cost. The more we refuse to conform, the more the system pushes back. I know that pushback intimately, not just in family, yet in every space that demanded I fit a mold that was never mine.
What you did in that skilled nursing facility—I can only imagine the weight of standing in that truth, knowing the risks, knowing the cost, and doing it anyway. That’s not just courage. That’s integrity in action. And that’s exactly why your work resonates so deeply with those of us who refuse to disappear.
There’s a reason why I am, by now—partially of my own free will, I have to say—socially isolated in my offline life here in Einbeck. The space for people like me simply doesn’t exist. At least not in a way that allows for real belonging. In Hannover, it’s different. People are more open-minded, more tolerant. I have some connections there, yet even so, the weight of being “too much” in a world that demands smallness is something I carry daily.
Finding people who see through the same lens, who name what others deny, who refuse to be reshaped—that’s rare. And it changes everything. It doesn’t erase the past or undo the harm, yet it proves that we were never the problem.
Thank you for this, Jay. I resonated deeply with all that you conveyed, and am grateful to you for recognizing my younger self in regard to "integrity in action." I can live no other way, as you say, and we do pay a price, but in a sense, it is also the sand that makes the pearl, this resistance from those who would prefer we "outliers" - those of us who live on the edge - conform. Speaking of edges, this is referenced in one of my favorite poems by Theodore Roethke, "In a Dark Time." Linking it to you here ("The edge is what I have...": https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43347/in-a-dark-time
I’m halfway through, because I need to go for a short walk. I think this should be in newspapers and school curricula. Brain feels such relief at having it all laid out so neatly. Like nesting dolls.
Ps. Read the full article, thank you so much for writing this! Will be sharing it far and wide. As a Pashtun person (Afghan/Pakistani), this clicked for me on so many levels and genuinely brings me peace. Having this monster unseen by the rest of the world feels like the bigger danger than even facing it!
Yes, dear Aun, please share far and wide. Remind people who are not subscribed that they can read the post by clicking on 'I'll explore a bit first" if they don't want to subscribe. I am deeply grateful you resonated so strongly with this post and feel you benefited by it. Perhaps a topic for us to cover in a future live video stream Collab?
Absolutely! I look forward to it!
I am so so so happy to see this. Edward Said, a great scholar from Jerusalem, asked in his essay, Reflections on Exile, "Is it not true that…exile…is produced by human beings for other human beings; and that, like death but without death’s ultimate mercy, it has torn millions of people from the nourishment of tradition, family and geography?” The line “death without death’s ultimate mercy” hit me hard. Being the exile in a particularly brutal family system, and bearing the load of toxic shame, death can seem like a welcome solution. How many of us have contemplated ending our own lives, because we are denied our own humanity? This post is so timely. Family splitting is racial splitting is national splitting is global splitting. In my own healing, I have turned to the writings of scapegoated people and concluded that, for me, "All the work I have done to heal leads me away from myself. To survivors, the world over. That’s where I find true family. People gutted by violence from domestic abuse to genocide. Survivors of injustice. We are kin.” It shakes us, but in connectedness, we can heal.
Rebecca, this work — your work, the work of survivors, is radical in the true meaning of the word, "getting at the root.” Seeing my own healing work in a larger context has without doubt given me the sense that I belong to a larger family, and I am not alone. As always, thank you.
Your comment is one I would love to share with others, Melanie, via a restack. Would that be okay with you? I also resonate strongly with what you shared here, and reference. I remember when a dear friend transitioned and was immediately cut off by their mother - this was over 20 years ago. We had a long talk and I likened their experience to forced immigration due to genocide at home. So we are thinking along the same track. We may want to discuss doing a live video stream Collab on this topic down the road, and/or if you ever publish something that expands on your comment here, please let me know so I can share it here with my subscribers.
Please do! And thank you.
You nailed it, Melanie. Deep bow.
We should start a writing group!
DM me what you have in mind. 🌻
I tried to do a writing group on my Substack but it was too much for me to manage right now. I would love to be a part of any writing group that gets started by either one of you!
This article was exactly what I needed at the precise time of needing it. Thank you for writing and posting. I am just beginning to feel relief from escaping my family and found the information helpful. I will be ordering these books. I have always been active in social justice work but had not connected the interest to an extension of my personal experiences. How fascinating.
Good to hear Catherine. My ebook is on sale on Amazon internationally, by the way ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, which is my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse/FSA). There are many threads weaving between social justice and FSA, so I imagine my book will spark some thought. As might another term I coined, 'righteous rage', which of course, may at times fuel and propel activism related to social injustice. You also may be interested in an article I wrote awhile back on my website where I reference Kafka's novel, 'The Trial' - an apt description of scapegoating dynamics - and associated injustices - at its core. https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/06/29/injustices-of-family-scapegoating-fsa/
Isn’t this amazing, Catherine? It’s all connected. 🫶
Ahhh you did it again Rebecca! I am so grateful for this explication of the systemic nature of scapegoating. Once you see it it’s so obvious and endemic - I see it everywhere I turn. Nesting dolls is a beautiful metaphor - those of us who are “othered” find ourselves and each other here in your naming of what has happened to us. FSA is soul-killing, a brutal violation at the essence of our being. The fact this community exists is a testament and outcome of your work - it is life giving and life saving; thank you as always for what you contribute. I feel such deep affinity with you and all my fellows here! It is a beautiful beautiful thing on this late winter morning and amid a sometimes terrifying political climate in which these very dynamics are playing out all around us.
Thank you again, Kelly. I have a genuine passion for exploring and discussing systems and individual (intra-psychic) and systemic 'splitting' - as you may have noticed by now. It is at the root of so many ills in society - yet rarely addressed or discussed in places (systems) where it could make a difference. I'm grateful to see such a strong positive response to this post; I've been wanting to write it for some time and finally had some space to do so.
It rocks!
Based on our exchange here, I was inspired to add Rumi's poem, The Field, to today's post!
Yes!!! Perfect. 🫶
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Moral Panic is rampant in our politics, and I am starting to see signs, in my daily interactions in 'small towns', that many Americans are leaning in to combat this terrifying situation. (Exam of fear: My daughter is even starting to have actual nightmares that the neurolink brain implants are finding humans to experiment on in G. Bay.) I believe your work on FSA is VITAL and I am making sure my entire community gets copies of your book and the beautiful support we all deserve.
I very much appreciate this - Thank you for so generously sharing my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) with others. BTW - the Kindle version is on sale right now on Amazon and it may still be on sale over on Smashwords.
What a timely and deeply insightful article. Thank you for sharing, Rebecca. I think any of us who have been scapegoated are able to see how far and wide the societal impact of scapegoating really is. I understand better now, as someone who has worked extensively with immigrants and refugees, and is now an ESL teacher to Hispanic kids, why I am drawn so much to these 'otherized' and marginalized communities. In so many ways, I relate to them. I see myself in them. They are 'my people.' Even within my own school, I've connected the most with the kids other teachers have given up on or don't want to deal with. Those are the kids I want to reach the most, help the most. Because I get it. Injustice of any kind, scapegoating of any kind, marginalization of any kind, infuriates me, because I know how much it hurts. Thank you for continuing to do such a valuable work, bringing more awareness to the insidious and deeply damaging effects of scapegoating, whether in families, or in a larger societal context, and giving a voice to those who have been silenced for far too long.
Beautifully put, April. Thank you for sharing your personal connection to societal scapegoating and for this deeply insightful comment. When I look back over my career, nearly all of my jobs before I went into private practice involved helping the disenfranchised: Homeless mentally ill (double or triple diagnosed); SED children who were too violent to be in any type of regular special ed school; psychotic teens in residential treatment centers; drug & alcohol treatment centers where I educated the families, who rarely got the education or support they needed - the list goes on and on. Meaning, I can relate to a large portion of what you wrote!
Wow...that's inspiring. I'm sure you were a blessing to all those you served! And I bet such a diverse work experience has given you even greater insight into scapegoating. I've also worked with the homeless a bit--although their situations broke my heart (many were mentally ill as well), I loved working with them. Really opened my eyes to the desperate, tragic lives of so many who go unnoticed or looked down on by society. Just showing them kindness and human decency, and meeting their practical needs, was rewarding.
I agree. I met some amazing people there. Many of those who had hallucinations and 'visions' were highly spiritual and it was inspiring to work with them as, as I am transpersonally-oriented and was able to positively reflect and mirror some of the profoundly moving images they shared with me.
Rebecca,
Reading your work, I see my own experience reflected—not just in family, yet in the structures that shaped my entire life. Scapegoating wasn’t just something that happened *to* me. It defined the spaces I was allowed to exist in, the narratives imposed on me, and the way even institutions reinforced that role. It didn’t stop at home. It followed me everywhere.
Part of why I am working to leave my country of birth is because I never belonged here. Not in my family, not in the culture that upheld these dynamics, not in the systems that demanded I stay within a role I never chose. I see now how deeply this runs—not just in my life, yet in the way societies function. Your work gives structure to what I have spent years naming for myself.
I appreciate your letting me know these insights as applied to your own life and experiences. May I share your comment here as a restack? I found it to be very poignant, as well as powerful - and important.
Yes, of course, might you share my comments as a restack, Rebecca. I appreciate you asking. Please know that I will always agree to that. I’m sharing my experience in the hope that it may resonate with others.
Hi Rebecca,
As always, your work is so thought provoking. I read your article before I went to sleep. I woke up this morning to a deeper understanding of a patterned response from my childhood.
I know I am the allotted scapegoat, that I am expected to carry the guilt and shame of my family system. What I did not see, even though it has played out over and over in my adult life in jobs, recovery communities, church and relationships, is the connection between hero and scapegoat.
There was an abnormally high expectation to make the family look good within society through creative talent and performance. Because the expectation was unattainable, no matter how hard I tried, it inevitably led to failure. It seems the failure was the ultimate goal for the system. It opened me up to become a garbage can for everyone else’s inability to succeed. I would rise, rise, rise—falter—the house of cards tumbling; me falling from grace, ending in humiliation, sometimes public humiliation. Abandoned and reviled once again.
Sometimes, during the rise, I would feel comfortable enough in my position to challenge the system. A heartfelt cry to express authenticity. — Always a no, no, punishable by excommunication from community, loss of job, the silent treatment i.e. “ghosting” or the systems requirement for a public apology of wrongdoing which feels like being burned at the stake.
Having completed my novel/memoir, I am astounded by just how many times I have taken part in this pattern. I will not call myself a victim. This is so much larger than my single life, as you point out. My challenge is to take my newfound awareness and not take "the bait" during the rise. Being “the golden child” within a corporate structure, “the wise one” in a recovery group. “the hope” of the family or, in a relationship, the one “worthy” of love-bombing. Balance and boundaries...
“Holy Shit! What a mess.”
Thank you for being you. I hear you loud and clear. xox Rachel
Oh, I SO 'get this', Rachel. These dynamics you describe would be especially the case in a narcissistic family system, where appearances are everything. I find myself in an interesting position of wanting to shed my nearly life-long role as 'helper' (which began in very early childhood due to having a disabled father), and yet, my public identity and professional identity is one of 'helper'. Intriguing dilemma. Substack has been helpful because I can identify as an "author" and researcher and am not acting as a therapist here, so it has suited my needs at this time very well in this regard. Also, finding community here where I can be my full self, not just 'therapist' and projection recipient. I have lost all tolerance for being a human projection screen (which also goes back to early childhood), which is why I do not work as a clinician anymore, only as a trauma-informed / FSA-informed coach. More room to be my full self in a coaching role.
All of my metaphorical “burning at the stake” experiences sprung from a desire to help, especially while functioning in an unconscious state. The statements:
“You are a city on a hill.”
And,
“Don’t hide your light under a bushel,” come to mind.
Shining a light on or being a light in a system run by monsters is a dangerous business. In my awakened state, I am less willing to fall on the proverbial sword. Ever notice how quickly those requesting help turn right around and join the oppressors? Still, recovery comes with an obligation to spread the word and provide a compassionate landing spot for genuine seekers.
In 12-Step recovery rooms, sponsorship is an expectation. It took years for me to bring balance to that role. Any time another person’s recovery became more important to me than it was to them, I learned to back off. It’s not my duty to lead anyone out by the hand. All I have is my story, which is laden with hard work from multiple disciplines.
I can not alleviate suffering. I can only be free from suffering, which takes an enormous and constant flow of self-love and acceptance. Oh, how I wish I could give my fellow scapegoats a blood transfusion laced with freedom. Believe me, I tried. One thing I have noticed is the addictive nature of the scapegoats’ suffering. It lights up dirty-crack emotions infusing the mind and body with a blanket of self-pity to attract attention and force comfort from anyone who will listen.
Damn, that’s dark.
Back to the light. With my escape comes a moral imperative to stand firm and show others how I got this far. The rest is up to them. One of my common responses to those desperate late night calls is, “When you are ready to do the work, let me know.”
You have discovered a balanced approach to “helping.” It feels good to hear you describe your newfound boundaries. I love this line from The Big Book, “Praying only for his will for us and the power to carry it out.” I expect I will continue to step on land mine’s here and there, but they are fewer with much more time and space between them.
Wishing you the very best in your journey and calling.
xox Rachel
This is brilliant and hits every “doll” in the nest from micro to macro, from my family to the US now and every nation.
Appreciate it, Lynne - Thank you for taking the time to read, I've been working on this one for awhile.
Thanks for another interesting and thoughtful article. I wonder about workplaces. Are scapegoats in their families at work made redundant more often and on flimsiest grounds? Thanks in advance
Great question. I used to give conference presentations to LMFTs on how we may find ourselves working in systems that mirror our family-of-origin and may find ourselves in the same role we were in in our FOO. There are many possible 'reasons' for this; my view leans more transpersonal; I see it as an invitation for us to wake up to the patterns keeping us ensnared in projections and splitting so we can begin to wake up and heal.
Thanks for a swift reply. I thought about it as well. Similar dynamic occurs in a group, such as class or workplace, resembling your FOO. I gave redundancy as a probably drastic example, but there are other, more subtle ways to make someone feel excluded and blamed.
I also thought about fawning response and "be like it them". I guess you could never be like them, no matter how hard you try.
Which, in my experience, is typically a good thing. (!)
Rebecca,
You mapped this out with such clarity. I’ve lived it for over 50 years—first as the designated scapegoat, then as the one who saw the patterns beyond the family, woven into the systems that shape entire societies. It’s all connected. What starts in the home, unchallenged, expands outward.
"Be Like Us" scapegoating hit me hard. The demand for conformity, the punishment for stepping outside the prescribed role—I've known that enforcement intimately. It’s a survival strategy for the system, not for the individual. The price of breaking free is high, yet staying trapped is even costlier.
Your breakdown of systemic reinforcement is exactly what more people need to understand. The legal system, mental health field, and broader socio-political structures don’t just mirror these dynamics—they uphold them. If you’re already labeled, already cast as the problem, every institution you encounter confirms the verdict before you even speak.
Breaking the cycle takes more than awareness. It takes the willingness to stand in the discomfort of being the one who refuses to play the role anymore. I see what you’re doing here—laying it out, piece by piece, so others can see it too. That matters.
Jay
Your last paragraph is very true - and very powerful. One of my greatest challenges in regard to the promotion of my FSA research and related content has been learning to endure discomfort, hostility, online attacks, a devaluing of my work (which is harder to do, now that it is peer-reviewed and quantitative, not "just" qualitative - as if people's lives experience is meaningless) - And as a highly sensitive person who feels all of this in my body energetically, I'm honestly surprised I'm still out here "fighting the good fight." At least now that I'm on Substack and forming a community here, I no longer feel like I am fighting it in isolation. Again, so happy to have met you here, Jay.
Rebecca,
You write about people the world isn’t ready to receive—people like me. Those who defy every box, every expectation, every imposed standard. Neurodivergent, lesbian, non-binary, highly sensitive, highly sensible, multi-potentialite. High IQ, high EQ, disabled. Too much for a world that insists on categories, yet unwilling to shrink to fit inside them.
I might be an extreme case of diversity, yet I know I’m not alone in this. The systems that resist us are the same ones that resist your work. Not because it isn’t true, but because truth threatens what is easier left unchallenged. That’s why your work matters. It isn’t just about naming what happens—it’s about making space for those who refuse to be reshaped to fit.
Brilliantly said, Jay. Like most of my subscribers and followers of my FSA work. I innately am completely unable / unwilling to morph myself into something or someone to satisfy another's needs, wants, or expectations, for better or for worse. This is what ultimately fueled the FSA behaviors displayed toward me in my family, and this is also what got me into "trouble" at jobs where I noticed and protested against individual and systemic abuses (for example, I "blew the whistle" on the first skilled nursing facility to be formerly charged with homicide in a court of law here in the U.S. - I was only in my thirties then and I still wonder how I did what I did, it was terrifying). The beauty of my deciding to research on - then name - FSA is it led me to a beautiful community here on Substack, and at last I feel I have found my "tribe" - a place where I belong. It is a very good feeling, indeed. And a long-time coming. The fact that my work helps others and is appreciated internationally is simply icing on the case.
Rebecca,
That unwillingness to morph, to shrink, to silence yourself—it’s everything. And it comes at a cost. The more we refuse to conform, the more the system pushes back. I know that pushback intimately, not just in family, yet in every space that demanded I fit a mold that was never mine.
What you did in that skilled nursing facility—I can only imagine the weight of standing in that truth, knowing the risks, knowing the cost, and doing it anyway. That’s not just courage. That’s integrity in action. And that’s exactly why your work resonates so deeply with those of us who refuse to disappear.
There’s a reason why I am, by now—partially of my own free will, I have to say—socially isolated in my offline life here in Einbeck. The space for people like me simply doesn’t exist. At least not in a way that allows for real belonging. In Hannover, it’s different. People are more open-minded, more tolerant. I have some connections there, yet even so, the weight of being “too much” in a world that demands smallness is something I carry daily.
Finding people who see through the same lens, who name what others deny, who refuse to be reshaped—that’s rare. And it changes everything. It doesn’t erase the past or undo the harm, yet it proves that we were never the problem.
Jay
Thank you for this, Jay. I resonated deeply with all that you conveyed, and am grateful to you for recognizing my younger self in regard to "integrity in action." I can live no other way, as you say, and we do pay a price, but in a sense, it is also the sand that makes the pearl, this resistance from those who would prefer we "outliers" - those of us who live on the edge - conform. Speaking of edges, this is referenced in one of my favorite poems by Theodore Roethke, "In a Dark Time." Linking it to you here ("The edge is what I have...": https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43347/in-a-dark-time
Thank you Rebecca, also for sharing the poem. Which instantly caught my eye was "Which I is I?"
So pleased to read you've found you tribe, it is an honour to be part of the tribe you created.
And you were one of the very first members here, remember, June? Neither of us could figure out Chat!!
I do, I was so chuffed to figure out how to leave a emoji ! Don't even mention paragraph spacing, I just don't bother.😁