(Public Post): Sibling Estrangement in Families That Scapegoat
The Impact of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) on Sibling Relationships
Post Summary: In families with dysfunctional dynamics, particularly those that exhibit narcissism, the 'scapegoat' child is burdened with the family's collective problems and issues via pathological projection processes and attendant systemic 'splitting'. As 'closed' systems, such families typically do not seek outside help, preserve unhealthy behaviors, and create estrangement and conflict that persists through generations. Siblings (the 'golden child' sibling in particular) may adopt and perpetuate the damaging 'scapegoat narrative', further entrenching family scapegoating abuse (FSA) dynamics, even after a scapegoating parent's death. The recognition and resolution of these issues are critical for healing, but often, the scapegoated family member may have no choice but to distance themselves from the toxic family environment for their own mental and emotional well-being.
Siblings Who Grow Up in 'Closed' Family Systems
Sibling relationships are an intricate web of emotions, experiences, and memories that shape our lives from childhood through adulthood. From the joy of shared family experiences and memories to the challenges associated with jealousy, competitiveness, and sibling rivalry, the dynamics among siblings play a significant role in our personal growth and development.
Research within the field of Family Systems has shown that sibling relationships play a crucial role in shaping one's sense of self-identity and belonging within the family structure. Scapegoating between siblings is a complex dynamic that ultimately involves the entire family system, whether individual family members are aware of this consciously or not. As discussed in my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, scapegoating behaviors in families are typically fueled by generations of trauma and/or the individual pathology of a parent via pathological projective identification processes.
In a healthy, 'open' family system, sibling conflict resolution strategies play a vital role in fostering positive relationships among siblings. Via healthy parenting (including leading by example), siblings learn that open communication, active listening, and empathy are key components in resolving conflicts effectively.
In a dysfunctional (or narcissistic) family system, such healthy communication practices are non-existent. Instead, these types of families operate as 'closed' systems, whereby the family power-holders (typically one or both parents) are unlikely to acknowledge that the family and/or the sibling subsystem is in distress. And as a 'closed' system, it is even more unlikely they will seek outside help from qualified Mental Health professionals (including Family Systems-oriented therapists) to resolve conflict within the nuclear family system. (Learn more about open and closed family systems via this recent article by
at https://substack.com/@marriedtothenarcissticmob/p-149069090)Parents Who Model and Incite Scapegoating Behaviors
To make matters worse, instead of helping siblings resolve differences and conflicts, one or both parents may openly or covertly encourage competitiveness between siblings, or favor one child over another (for example, the 'golden child' being favored over the 'scapegoat child').
It should therefore not come as a surprise that scapegoating in a family setting can have profound effects on sibling relationships and the overall relationship dynamics within a given household. The scapegoat child often bears the brunt of blame, shame, criticism, and negative attention from other family members, leading to a sense of isolation and alienation within their own home - the place they should feel the safest and most loved.
Suffering from daily chronic psycho-emotional stressors from which there is no escape, the scapegoated child may eventually develop symptoms of complex trauma (C-PTSD), compounding the overall tragedy of FSA.
Sibling Estrangement and the Long-Term Effects on Family Dynamics
Siblings that are 'favored' and empowered within the dysfunctional or narcissistic family system may adopt the same negative behaviors that one or both parents demonstrate toward the scapegoated child, either as children or later in life.
In extreme cases, this can result in 'family mobbing', whereby family members gang up on, and bully, the scapegoat child so as to intentionally humiliate them. It is dynamics such as these that plant the seeds for sibling estrangement - estrangement which is frequently irreparable due to power imbalances that continue to exist within the family long after the adult children have left the family home.
Needless to say, the breakdown of sibling relationships can have significant long-term effects on family dynamics. It can create rifts within the family system that, in turn, invariably leads to strained relationships and communication breakdowns between siblings and other family members. These conflicts affect not only the estranged siblings themselves but also parents and extended family members (i.e., nieces nephews, etc.), negatively impacting future generations.
Familial conflicts that result in sibling estrangement can also lead to feelings of loss and grief for those involved. However, the scapegoated family member's grief will rarely be acknowledged or recognized within the family or by society. This is because the FSA adult survivor is frequently viewed as the cause of family rifts via their being in a highly reactive state due to unrecognized complex trauma symptoms and/or their decision to limit or end contact with scapegoating family members to protect their psycho-emotional health.
In such situations, the FSA adult survivor is often accused of wanting a sibling or parent "to take sides," when what the survivor is actually wanting - and legitimately needing - is acknowledgement of the abuse at the hands of one or more family members that the sibling was aware of or witnessed. It is therefore under the auspice of "not wanting to take sides" that allows siblings to avoid acknowledging painful realities and/or their part in the systemic abuse that fuels FSA.
As I often say to my clients, when it comes to any form of abuse, silence is complicity. Meaning, when adult siblings are silent in the face of verbal and emotional abuse directed at the FSA target, they are implicitly signaling to the family member engaging in the bullying and scapegoating behaviors that their behavior is acceptable. How is that not "taking sides"?
When Siblings Perpetuate the Damaging 'Scapegoat Narrative'
I cannot count how many times during the course of my original research on what I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) that a research participant shared their shock, surprise, and sense of confusion when it became clear that one or more siblings had adopted the 'scapegoat narrative' after a scapegoating parent became infirm or died.
The insidious 'scapegoat narrative' is a term I coined to describe the damaging false narrative that fuels FSA. Typical statements associated with this narrative are "Janie's emotionally ill,"; "Johnny's crazy"; "Janie's a liar"; "Johnny does drugs and has mental problems"; "Janie steals things"; etc., etc. - statements that have no basis in reality.
In the case of a deceased parent, the sibling scapegoating can first manifest at the parent's funeral. Imagine being at a parent's funeral and having one or more siblings say things to you like, "Mom never loved you," or "You don't care about mom and you never did so why are you crying now?", or "We know you stole dad's souvenirs from the war." It may seem incomprehensible to those raised in a healthy, functional family system but these sorts of events are relatively common in unhealthy families that scapegoat, based on my years of research on FSA.
By the way, I've had more than one client experience this type of sibling scapegoating at a parent's funeral and it is nothing short of devastating - particularly if the FSA adult survivor felt close to their sibling and thought they had a good relationship.
What can be even more shocking is hearing the sibling say the exact same thing that the (now infirm or deceased) scapegoating parent had said. The relief that was initially experienced that the scapegoating abuse might finally be over with the death of the parent is quickly replaced by the sickening recognition that the scapegoat narrative would now be replayed and promoted by one or more siblings.
Scapegoating Among Siblings and Family Homeostasis
An important point I wish to emphasize is that family scapegoating abuse is not 'just' psycho-emotional; when enough tension has built up, conflicts between siblings can turn physical, even in adulthood.
For example, past clients of mine, along with FSA research participants, have reported that they were subjected to personal attacks that resulted in their being physically assaulted by one or more siblings after a scapegoating parent's death, events that were a direct result of scapegoating dynamics within a family and the shift in the family homeostasis that occurs within a given family system when a family power-holder dies.
This change in homeostasis following a parent's death explains why siblings (the 'golden child' sibling, especially) will attempt a 'power grab' after a parent's death (or while the parent is alive but infirm). For example, they might covertly arrange to have Power of Attorney over the parent's health and finances and/or attempt to take a larger portion of the parent's assets than they are legally or rightfully due.
Once their dirty deed is revealed, the sibling making the power grab will often blame the FSA adult survivor for their bad behavior using the DARVO strategy (Dr. Jennifer Freyd), saying things like, "Dad never loved you anyway" or "You weren't ever around to help so I deserve more assets than you" when it was actually the scapegoated sibling who had been cut off from the family or had stepped back from their family-of-origin to protect their mental and emotional health.
The Importance of Identifying Signs of Scapegoating Among Siblings
Recognizing signs of scapegoating and estrangement among siblings is crucial for maintaining healthy family dynamics. Ideally, it would be a parent who would intervene when siblings mistreat, bully, or abuse each other, but this is unlikely to happen when it comes to family scapegoating abuse because the parents themselves are participating in the dysfunctional scapegoating dynamics, whether they are conscious of this fact or not.
Given that the scapegoated child frequently exhibits traits such as low self-esteem, traumatic shame, and feeling misunderstood both within and outside the family unit, one would hope that teachers, school counselors, or other professionals interacting with the child might see that they are in some type of distress and intervene, but my original research on FSA indicates that this is rarely the case.
This is why I continually stress that there needs to be more training, research, and information available on how 'invisible' forms of abuse like family scapegoating impact children. By recognizing the signs of scapegoating or other forms of mental and emotional abuse early on, helping professionals (such as school counselors and social workers) might be able to effectively intervene.
Addressing Sibling Estrangement Due to Past Dynamics
When it comes to mending sibling relationships in families that scapegoat, the journey towards reconciliation can be challenging, at best. Articles I've reviewed that address sibling reconciliation rarely mention systemic issues like projective identification processes (mentioned earlier in this article) or the fact that at some level the entire family is both involved - and responsible - for sibling estrangement that is a direct result of family scapegoating abuse.
Overcoming familial wounds and rebuilding trust with siblings would require that the siblings be open to learning about family systems and dysfunctional system dynamics, as well as FSA dynamics; however, this rarely happens due to the family homeostasis (as mentioned earlier) and individual defense mechanisms such as denial and rationalization (which also fuel and support DARVO).
The painful reality is, one cannot successfully initiate 'open communication' if the family-of-origin operates as a dysfunctional, 'closed' system. For example, how is the FSA adult survivor supposed to have an "honest conversation that can help both parties express their feelings, perspectives, and grievances in a safe and respectful manner" (the typical advice articles on sibling reconciliation suggest) when the family is dysfunctional and the mistreatment and psycho-emotional abuse of the scapegoated sibling is fervently denied by everyone in the system?
For this to happen, all family members would need to recognize that everyone in the family has been at some level participating in the scapegoating of a particular child / adult child - possibly for years or even decades. This would require an extraordinary leap in awareness, and given I have worked with literally hundreds of families during the course of my career as a Family Systems therapist, I can tell you that this takes many, many hours of therapy (both individual and as a family) and even then, the family may be too deep in their denial and defensiveness to ever admit such a thing.
This is why many adult survivors of FSA have no choice but to severely limit or end contact with their nuclear (and sometimes extended) family system. They simply cannot put up with the denial of the abuse anymore, and they are tired of having their painful experiences within the family dismissed and invalidated.
Scroll down for the link to my video on Sibling Estrangement and FSA.
Watch my video on Sibling Estrangement
Copyright 2024 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
If everyone doesn't want *everyone* to be included in family decision making, then it really isn't a "family," but just a political system with winners and losers. Realizing that makes it a lot easier to leave it all behind.
Thank you for another very insightful and validating article. Your work feels like a puzzle to me, it connects so many dots. There is much I would like to share about this, I will get back when I can subscribe to the private chat. One thing I would like to ask, often on sibling strangement I read about adult estrangement, but rarely about strangement in early years (early teens). Very good work, thank you!