The Healing Paradox: Why Getting Healthier Makes Some Relationships Harder

Navigating the complex truth that personal growth can expose the fault lines in unhealed connections

Photo by Dynamic Wang on Unsplash

As a Trauma Therapist and FSA Recovery Coach, I spend my days helping others navigate the labyrinth of their past wounds. Yet, in my own life, I've often found myself caught in a painful paradox: the healthier I become, the more challenging certain relationships appear. It's a common, often isolating experience for those on a healing journey, especially when old patterns resurface with renewed clarity. Today’s post addresses the reality that healing from abuse and attendant trauma can expose unhealthy relational dynamics we experience with others - dysfunctional dynamics we may not have been aware of before. I’ve included a video from my YouTube channel that addresses this same topic at the bottom of this post. (Paid Subscribers: Scroll down to access a companion affirmation I created to go with this post.)

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The Familiarity of Dysfunction: A Deceptive Comfort Zone

One of the most perplexing aspects of relational trauma is the subconscious pull towards dynamics that echo our past hurts. This phenomenon is often referred to as "repetition compulsion." Another way to think about it is “We go to what we know (until we know better).” It isn't about consciously seeking out pain; rather, it's a deeply ingrained, often unconscious drive to return to familiar territory.

Imagine your nervous system as a finely tuned instrument, wired for survival. It gravitates towards what it knows, even if what it knows is ultimately harmful. For example:

• The unpredictable partner: If your childhood involved inconsistent care, a partner who is hot and cold might feel unsettling but also strangely "normal" or exciting, because it replicates that early dynamic.

• The emotionally unavailable friend: If you grew up with a parent who struggled to express affection, you might find yourself consistently drawn to friends who keep you at arm's length.

This subconscious pull keeps us stuck in cycles where we unknowingly invite people into our lives who reactivate our deepest wounds. We might hope that this time we can achieve a different, more positive outcome or finally "master" the original wound, but often, without conscious intervention, we simply repeat the same painful dance.

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The Boundary Backlash: When Needs Are Seen as "Control"

A significant marker of healing from relational trauma is the ability to identify your wants and needs and then articulate and uphold healthy boundaries. This is monumental progress! You're learning to say "yes" to yourself and "no" to what doesn't serve you. However, this very growth can feel incredibly threatening to individuals who haven't done their own work.

When you, as a healing individual, set a boundary, it can be perceived by others as "control," "judgment," or even an "attack." For someone unaccustomed to healthy limits, a clear "no" can feel like a profound rejection, and an expressed need can be interpreted as a burdensome demand. Here are some examples of how this might play out:

• Your need for consistency: You ask someone to follow through on a promise and they accuse you of being "demanding" or "inflexible."

• Your request for exclusivity: You express a desire for monogamy with a romantic partner you’ve been dating exclusively for years and they say you're "limiting their freedom" or "don't understand their nature."

• Your need for space: You ask for a quiet evening to recharge and a friend or partner interprets it as you "pulling away" or "not caring."

This reaction often stems from their own unhealed wounds or insecure attachment styles, where they struggle with personal accountability and consistent relational reliability. Your healthy assertiveness can inadvertently expose their own limitations, leading them to react defensively rather than thoughtfully and introspectively.

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The Art of Blame Shifting: Trashing, Smear Campaigns, and Gaslighting

When you courageously begin to set boundaries or express needs, you’ll discover relatively quickly who in your life struggles with accountability and resorts to a set of manipulative tactics to avoid taking responsibility. This isn't just about simple denial; it's a strategic effort to shift blame, control the narrative, and avoid the discomfort of their own actions.

Blame Shifting

Blame shifting is the fundamental act of redirecting responsibility for their actions or the conflict onto you. Instead of acknowledging their part, they will highlight your perceived flaws or exaggerate minor issues on your side to make it seem like you are the problem. At its worst, blame shifting will take the form of DARVO, an acronym for ‘Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender’ (a term coined by researcher Dr. Jennifer Freyd). When someone uses DARVO, they deny their wrongdoing, attack the accuser, and reverse victim and offender roles

• Example: You point out their consistent lateness, and they retort, "Well, you're always so uptight about time, it's exhausting!"

• Example: You express hurt over their inconsistent communication, and they respond, "You're just too sensitive; most people wouldn't even notice that."

• Example of DARVO: You confront a partner with clear evidence that they’re having an affair. They then angrily accuse you of being paranoid and “not trusting” them, making themselves the victim and you the aggressor.

This tactic is designed to make you question your own perceptions and feel guilty for having valid needs, reactions, or concerns.

Trashing and Smear Campaigns

When direct blame-shifting isn't enough, some individuals escalate to trashing or smear campaigns. This involves badmouthing you to mutual friends, family, or colleagues, painting you as the "crazy one," the "demanding one," or the “mean one”.

• Trashing: This usually happens in private conversations where they vent about you, often exaggerating your faults or fabricating stories to gain sympathy for themselves. Their goal is to diminish your credibility and character in the eyes of others, along with making themselves the victim and you the offender.

• Smear Campaigns: This is a more organized and deliberate effort to damage your reputation. They might strategically spread rumors or misrepresent events to ensure that when others hear your side, they've already been predisposed to disbelieve you. This is particularly insidious in professional contexts, where it can impact your career.

The painful irony is that the person doing the smearing often lacks the self-awareness to see that their efforts to malign you often says more about their own character and inability to handle conflict than it does about yours. Other healthy individuals often see through these tactics - but not always. Sadly, even healthier individuals may believe this false propaganda if you’re scapegoated in your family and the 'scapegoat narrative’ has been promoted aggressively within and outside the family for some time.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of psychological manipulation where a person tries to make you question your own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. It's designed to make you doubt yourself, eroding your confidence and making you more reliant on their version of events.

• Denying your reality: "That never happened," "You're imagining things," or "That's not how it went down." Even when you have clear evidence, they'll insist you're wrong.

• Minimizing your feelings: "You're overreacting," "Why are you so sensitive?" or "It was just a joke, lighten up." This invalidates your emotional experience.

• Shifting blame/confusion: "If you weren't so [negative trait], this wouldn't be an issue." They twist situations to make you believe you're the cause of the problem.

• Contradicting what they said: They deny saying something you clearly remember them saying, leaving you confused and doubting your memory.

Over time, gaslighting can lead to severe self-doubt, anxiety, and a profound sense of disorientation. It's a powerful tool used to control and disempower another, and recognizing it is crucial for protecting your mental and emotional well-being.

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The Unseen Battle: When Health Feels "Boring" or Threatening

Another subtle challenge on the healing path is learning to tolerate the "calm" that often accompanies genuinely healthy relationships. When you've been accustomed to the high drama, intense highs, and devastating lows of dysfunctional connections, a relationship characterized by stability, respect, and consistent care and attention can initially feel unfamiliar, perhaps even "boring."

• Less intensity, more stability: A partner or friend who consistently shows up, communicates clearly, and respects your boundaries might not create the same "rollercoaster" emotional high as someone who is unpredictable. This stability can, ironically, feel less stimulating at first.

• No constant "fixing": If you're used to being in a caretaker role or constantly trying to "fix" a relationship, a healthy partner or friend who doesn't require constant emotional labor might feel like there's "nothing to do," creating an unfamiliar void.

This can sometimes lead us to unknowingly sabotage healthier connections because they don't trigger the familiar (albeit painful) intensity of our past. The work here is to build a new capacity for safety and trust, recognizing that peace isn't the absence of passion, but the foundation for sustainable love. It's about learning to appreciate the quiet strength of healthy love over the chaotic rush of unhealthy attachment.

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The Power of Self-Preservation

Ultimately, the paradox of feeling misunderstood or "judged" as you heal is a painful but necessary part of breaking old cycles. Your ability to recognize these patterns, even when they're painful, is a testament to your immense strength and self-awareness. It signifies that you are no longer willing to sacrifice your well-being for dynamics that reactivate your deepest wounds.

It requires immense courage to continue choosing yourself and your healing, even when it means walking away from powerful but ultimately damaging connections. Your capacity to prioritize your own peace of mind, even in the face of potential criticism or character assassination, is a powerful act of self-love and a clear indicator that your sense of self-worth is becoming less dependent on external validation and more rooted in your own integrity.

Highlight the above quote to restack it as a note here on Substack or share on social media.

This journey is difficult, but every boundary you uphold and every unhealthy dynamic you choose to disengage from brings you closer to the secure, reciprocal relationships you truly deserve. It's not about being "perfect," but about consistently choosing to honor your deepest needs for safety, respect, and genuine connection.

ATTENTION PAID SUBSCRIBERS: Check out our new Community-Driven Chat Thread moderated by Theresa C. Theresa has created many categories for you to share in, including stories, unsent letters, poems, dreams, who you are beyond the ‘scapegoat narrative’, etc. We’d love to hear from you there. Bookmark this URL link so you can find and return to this Chat thread easily: https://substack.com/chat/2666152/post/85638627-0f3b-43a7-9fec-b3e2d20e7cc6

Relate to This Post? Watch my video: Why Healthy Boundaries Can Make Family Scapegoating Abuse Worse: