As always, beautifully stated, Rebecca. The very dynamics you describe here are why I ended a 30 year best-friendship, and along with it an entire social circle of Mean Girls. It took me far too long to recognize what they were about. It was revealed, over time, in snide comments and little “knowing looks” I’d see fly back and forth among them (regarding both me and others). I actually let go of the mean girls first, still believing in the basic goodness of my best friend— despite a few red flags that I’d filed away in my brain as curious anomalies. Finally—slowly and painfully— I saw the truth. Making the cut was incredibly difficult. Surprisingly so. She apologized for atrocious behavior three different times, but after I’d forgiven her each time, within a few weeks she went right back to the awful things she was doing. The worst of the behavior hadn’t been present in our friendship all along. It was new, and started around the time of a significant life event for her. I gave her lots of support, space, and grace thinking her change was just a temporary emotional reaction to circumstances. But over time, and with connecting dots to those previous strange (to me) anomalous events, I started to realize that what I was witnessing wasn’t a trauma reaction, but rather a slipping of the mask. I fought my realization for far too long, wanting to believe I was wrong. But I wasn’t. The final, proof positive, straw finally came, and then that was it for me. I closed the door. Ending that friendship was more difficult, more heart-wrenching, than ending a marriage. She was probably the one person in my life who fooled me the most. I never would have seen it if I hadn’t been doing my own healing work. Even though ending the friendship was the right thing to do, there is still grief over losing the friendship I’d thought I had. Healing is hard. I’m so glad you brought up this topic, Rebecca, because healing is really hard. The road to cleaner air and safer space is loaded with thorny shrubs. One really has to persevere to get to the good part.
Thank you for such a rich and full - also thoughtful - comment and for sharing your story of having to end this friendship and the grief you still feel at times. It took me most of my life to learn to observe another's actions (versus their words) and to believe and trust what I am witnessing. Hard decisions need to be made at times to protect our 'vulnerable parts' - But this is what we must do to protect those 'younger selves' that are craving relational safety and trust.
Learning to trust one’s own observations is so difficult after a lifetime of scapegoating and DARVO, as so many of us well know. You nailed it when you mentioned the necessity of protecting our younger selves. I would add that protecting that younger self is also protecting our older selves still coming. I’ve found that thanks to this scapegoating awareness and recovery lit path that you’ve opened for us, I’ve developed a different sense of personal integrity. It’s one I would never have been allowed in my parents’ house. This personal integrity includes a dimension of how I allow myself to be treated, following the line forward of how I am or am not able to show up in other relationships if I don’t show up for myself. Ok… I’m chatty today apparently :) That’s it. Thank you again for all you do Rebecca. You really have created a societal game-changer with your work.
I so appreciate this, ADR - especially given your profession ;>) - And yes, this is so very true - We need to show up for our/selves - past, present - and future!
I love hearing this - I do talk a lot with my subscribers and when I hear a theme, I tend to focus on that. And sometimes this also aligns with my own process and where I'm at so I'm writing for myself as well!
Thank you for what you do Ms Rebecca, thanks to you and a few others that talk about this not very well known subject such as Mr Jay Reid whom I also follow here and in YouTube as well as binge watched all your content ,I have finally been able to understand what I had to endure throughout my whole childhood and into adulthood. It all makes sense now and I have to say you two along with my therapist have been part of my team helping me make a life for myself when many times life seems bleak and pointless. Those moments still happen but I can talk my way out of them and push further, it’s like our whole childhood we were walking thru thorn riddle bushes and now as adults we keep finding more and more of them to pluck off, it might never end 😥 but at least we can still rise above it and live in spite of it. Recently I found out about Jennifer Freyd’s work on betrayal trauma and the can of worms that opened up but at least we can do something about it once we know what it is and call it by its name. Thank you Ms Rebecca.
You're very welcome! I hope you do read my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), which I published five years ago. I dedicate an entire chapter to Dr. Jennifer Freyd's Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT) as related to FSA. I also love your analogy of the thorn riddle bushes. In this same introductory book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), I use the analogy of being 'tarred and feathered' - Very difficult to wash off these projections that emanate from the pathological Family Projective Identification Process. Let me know if you read my book, I'd love to know how it strikes you!
Ohhhh that’s right!! Yesss I have read that book it’s on my shelf and have gone back to it from time to time to read certain chapters, I do recall you using that analogy and mentioning that this tar we’re covered in we tend to take with us so when we work in certain places people pick up on it and treat us accordingly to what we were conditioned to think was acceptable. That’s an experience I hadn’t heard anyone else mention prior but I have lived it and blew my mind when you mentioned that as many other things. For some reason I didn’t recall you mentioning her work on there but that must’ve been where I first heard of her before I started researching her work. I find your work and hers particularly institutional betrayal I believe she calls it if I’m not mistaken, helpful when I analyze political science as a nerdy hobby or mine 😅☺️, I loved it! Been hoping maybe you would write another follow up book but once I heard you say you had a Substack I joined the app, now I’m curious to read your other material on the inviolate self. Reminds me of what Mr Jay Reid sometimes mentions I think a modality called self mastery theory, I don’t mean to drag this on 😅 but I certainly do find it interesting when I come across when I learn about politics about certain experiments that the cia used to manipulate and brainwash people. They sound like they’re taken right out of the narcissists playbook and also in cults, I hold your work and Mr Reid’s and Ms Freyds work as a counter to that☺️. As someone who values self actualization ,self awareness ,autonomy and independence as well as critical thought -I hold all yalls work close to heart 😅😂☺️
Dr. Freyd lives in the nearest 'big city' to me. Some of her former students are conducting more research on their own and they emailed me after I wrote my book - they loved that I was writing about family betrayal as they were conducting some research on family betrayal over there in Washington state.
Are you already subscribed to Jennifer's 'Center for Institutional Courage' newsletter? If not, I'll send you a link. Also, have you considered becoming a paid subscriber on my Substack? I do private livestreams at least once a month and we have a lot of fun. You also will have access to many other exclusive features and benefits. Something to consider!
I am not subscribed to her newsletter if you could send me the link I’d really appreciate that thank you. That sounds exciting that her former students reached out to you after you wrote your book and continuing research on the subject, going back to what I was saying about politics I also see these things I lack the language to describe it at the moment but let’s just say when I see fascists in power and the abuse they impose on their citizenry it does closely resemble narcissistic abuse and heaven forbid you be the scapegoat in that scenario, right now the scapegoats are immigrants. I’m curious about your live streams I might just join.
Excellent article Rebecca! Loved the part on DARVO. You left no stone unturned in describing all the various challenges one faces in trying to heal and how to best navigate through them all. It really makes what you termed "small gains" in weekly chats so very important.
Thanks, Rosalee. I was thinking of making this post our focus for our next paid subscriber private live chat. Hope to have it 7/25, I'll announce it soon. What's your thoughts on this idea?
I thought so too. I think that will be our focus. I'll get an announcement out soon, but the private Livestream will be on Friday, 7/25 at 11 am PDT. Hope you can make it!
Great, let's do it! I'll ask everyone to bring in a problematic relationship and then we can all help each other with it by incorporating this post today into our discussion.
Oh no! I missed it! I thought these were on a different day. I have finally figured out why I wasn’t getting notifications - they were turned off elsewhere.
Oh darn. The playback will go out to paid subscribers. What days and times PDT are you available for livestreams? I can't accommodate everyone but I do change the day and time to accommodate my international subscribers at times.
Did you watch my video on this, Rachel? I included it earlier this morning in the post because I used up all my space so couldn't put it out in the email. It's at the bottom of the post.
Wow, what an excellent video!! This was my exact experience. Thank you for bringing up the homeostasis and the subsequent pressure put on you when you try to heal to push you back into the old role.
It’s vicious!!
And especially thanks for naming that it is also energetic!
I have been learning about morphic energy fields and families exist in them as well. They exist across time and space too, so in order to truly break away (if it gets to that point in your healing journey that it becomes necessary) you also have to break free of that field as well.
And that’s a tough one!
Takes time and further healing to let go on an energetic level (perhaps we never completely do either, idk).
Because I think some people make the, usually subconscious, decision to stunt their healing (or never start) in order to preserve connections with family &/or friends.
It’s definitely a trade-off and a costly one at that, no matter which choice you make.
Yes. I haven’t read the article, but my decision to get well and no longer accept blame for everything that goes wrong - definitely destroyed my relationship with family.
I doubt that any of them will even show up for my funeral.
Once again, you articulate these important lessons and signpost of post-traumatic growth so clearly. Thank you, Rebecca.
Appreciate it, Brad, thank you for making time to read and comment!
As always, beautifully stated, Rebecca. The very dynamics you describe here are why I ended a 30 year best-friendship, and along with it an entire social circle of Mean Girls. It took me far too long to recognize what they were about. It was revealed, over time, in snide comments and little “knowing looks” I’d see fly back and forth among them (regarding both me and others). I actually let go of the mean girls first, still believing in the basic goodness of my best friend— despite a few red flags that I’d filed away in my brain as curious anomalies. Finally—slowly and painfully— I saw the truth. Making the cut was incredibly difficult. Surprisingly so. She apologized for atrocious behavior three different times, but after I’d forgiven her each time, within a few weeks she went right back to the awful things she was doing. The worst of the behavior hadn’t been present in our friendship all along. It was new, and started around the time of a significant life event for her. I gave her lots of support, space, and grace thinking her change was just a temporary emotional reaction to circumstances. But over time, and with connecting dots to those previous strange (to me) anomalous events, I started to realize that what I was witnessing wasn’t a trauma reaction, but rather a slipping of the mask. I fought my realization for far too long, wanting to believe I was wrong. But I wasn’t. The final, proof positive, straw finally came, and then that was it for me. I closed the door. Ending that friendship was more difficult, more heart-wrenching, than ending a marriage. She was probably the one person in my life who fooled me the most. I never would have seen it if I hadn’t been doing my own healing work. Even though ending the friendship was the right thing to do, there is still grief over losing the friendship I’d thought I had. Healing is hard. I’m so glad you brought up this topic, Rebecca, because healing is really hard. The road to cleaner air and safer space is loaded with thorny shrubs. One really has to persevere to get to the good part.
Thank you for such a rich and full - also thoughtful - comment and for sharing your story of having to end this friendship and the grief you still feel at times. It took me most of my life to learn to observe another's actions (versus their words) and to believe and trust what I am witnessing. Hard decisions need to be made at times to protect our 'vulnerable parts' - But this is what we must do to protect those 'younger selves' that are craving relational safety and trust.
Learning to trust one’s own observations is so difficult after a lifetime of scapegoating and DARVO, as so many of us well know. You nailed it when you mentioned the necessity of protecting our younger selves. I would add that protecting that younger self is also protecting our older selves still coming. I’ve found that thanks to this scapegoating awareness and recovery lit path that you’ve opened for us, I’ve developed a different sense of personal integrity. It’s one I would never have been allowed in my parents’ house. This personal integrity includes a dimension of how I allow myself to be treated, following the line forward of how I am or am not able to show up in other relationships if I don’t show up for myself. Ok… I’m chatty today apparently :) That’s it. Thank you again for all you do Rebecca. You really have created a societal game-changer with your work.
I so appreciate this, ADR - especially given your profession ;>) - And yes, this is so very true - We need to show up for our/selves - past, present - and future!
Thank you for this Rebecca! I don't know how you seem to read my mind, but your posts so often line up with what I've been working on in my life.
I love hearing this - I do talk a lot with my subscribers and when I hear a theme, I tend to focus on that. And sometimes this also aligns with my own process and where I'm at so I'm writing for myself as well!
Thank you for what you do Ms Rebecca, thanks to you and a few others that talk about this not very well known subject such as Mr Jay Reid whom I also follow here and in YouTube as well as binge watched all your content ,I have finally been able to understand what I had to endure throughout my whole childhood and into adulthood. It all makes sense now and I have to say you two along with my therapist have been part of my team helping me make a life for myself when many times life seems bleak and pointless. Those moments still happen but I can talk my way out of them and push further, it’s like our whole childhood we were walking thru thorn riddle bushes and now as adults we keep finding more and more of them to pluck off, it might never end 😥 but at least we can still rise above it and live in spite of it. Recently I found out about Jennifer Freyd’s work on betrayal trauma and the can of worms that opened up but at least we can do something about it once we know what it is and call it by its name. Thank you Ms Rebecca.
You're very welcome! I hope you do read my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), which I published five years ago. I dedicate an entire chapter to Dr. Jennifer Freyd's Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT) as related to FSA. I also love your analogy of the thorn riddle bushes. In this same introductory book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), I use the analogy of being 'tarred and feathered' - Very difficult to wash off these projections that emanate from the pathological Family Projective Identification Process. Let me know if you read my book, I'd love to know how it strikes you!
Ohhhh that’s right!! Yesss I have read that book it’s on my shelf and have gone back to it from time to time to read certain chapters, I do recall you using that analogy and mentioning that this tar we’re covered in we tend to take with us so when we work in certain places people pick up on it and treat us accordingly to what we were conditioned to think was acceptable. That’s an experience I hadn’t heard anyone else mention prior but I have lived it and blew my mind when you mentioned that as many other things. For some reason I didn’t recall you mentioning her work on there but that must’ve been where I first heard of her before I started researching her work. I find your work and hers particularly institutional betrayal I believe she calls it if I’m not mistaken, helpful when I analyze political science as a nerdy hobby or mine 😅☺️, I loved it! Been hoping maybe you would write another follow up book but once I heard you say you had a Substack I joined the app, now I’m curious to read your other material on the inviolate self. Reminds me of what Mr Jay Reid sometimes mentions I think a modality called self mastery theory, I don’t mean to drag this on 😅 but I certainly do find it interesting when I come across when I learn about politics about certain experiments that the cia used to manipulate and brainwash people. They sound like they’re taken right out of the narcissists playbook and also in cults, I hold your work and Mr Reid’s and Ms Freyds work as a counter to that☺️. As someone who values self actualization ,self awareness ,autonomy and independence as well as critical thought -I hold all yalls work close to heart 😅😂☺️
Dr. Freyd lives in the nearest 'big city' to me. Some of her former students are conducting more research on their own and they emailed me after I wrote my book - they loved that I was writing about family betrayal as they were conducting some research on family betrayal over there in Washington state.
Are you already subscribed to Jennifer's 'Center for Institutional Courage' newsletter? If not, I'll send you a link. Also, have you considered becoming a paid subscriber on my Substack? I do private livestreams at least once a month and we have a lot of fun. You also will have access to many other exclusive features and benefits. Something to consider!
I am not subscribed to her newsletter if you could send me the link I’d really appreciate that thank you. That sounds exciting that her former students reached out to you after you wrote your book and continuing research on the subject, going back to what I was saying about politics I also see these things I lack the language to describe it at the moment but let’s just say when I see fascists in power and the abuse they impose on their citizenry it does closely resemble narcissistic abuse and heaven forbid you be the scapegoat in that scenario, right now the scapegoats are immigrants. I’m curious about your live streams I might just join.
I wrote a couple of posts here awhile back on scapegoating in human systems: First one here: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/scapegoating-in-human-systems // The second one here: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/healing-the-scapegoat-wound-carl-jung-theory // Jennifer Freyd's institute information here - I think you click on 'Join Us' to get the newsletter, not sure: https://www.institutionalcourage.org/
Thank you so much for listening and offering all this wonderful information, once I get a chance I’ll check it out this evening.
Excellent article Rebecca! Loved the part on DARVO. You left no stone unturned in describing all the various challenges one faces in trying to heal and how to best navigate through them all. It really makes what you termed "small gains" in weekly chats so very important.
Thanks, Rosalee. I was thinking of making this post our focus for our next paid subscriber private live chat. Hope to have it 7/25, I'll announce it soon. What's your thoughts on this idea?
I think that would be a great idea Rebecca as this post covers such important issues and information!
I thought so too. I think that will be our focus. I'll get an announcement out soon, but the private Livestream will be on Friday, 7/25 at 11 am PDT. Hope you can make it!
Yes I will definitely tune in!
Love this idea!
Great, let's do it! I'll ask everyone to bring in a problematic relationship and then we can all help each other with it by incorporating this post today into our discussion.
Oh no! I missed it! I thought these were on a different day. I have finally figured out why I wasn’t getting notifications - they were turned off elsewhere.
I won’t be able to make the next one either 🤦♀️
Oh darn. The playback will go out to paid subscribers. What days and times PDT are you available for livestreams? I can't accommodate everyone but I do change the day and time to accommodate my international subscribers at times.
I am usually available on Fridays at noon PDT. Once a month I have another meeting at that day and time (and it’s next Friday of course).
My schedule is typically pretty flexible actually. I just missed this one.
I appreciate you asking! ❤️
I can definitely relate to this! The healthier I got, the worse my relationship with my family got until I ended up having to go no contact.
Did you watch my video on this, Rachel? I included it earlier this morning in the post because I used up all my space so couldn't put it out in the email. It's at the bottom of the post.
No I didn’t! Thanks for the heads up!
Wow, what an excellent video!! This was my exact experience. Thank you for bringing up the homeostasis and the subsequent pressure put on you when you try to heal to push you back into the old role.
It’s vicious!!
And especially thanks for naming that it is also energetic!
I have been learning about morphic energy fields and families exist in them as well. They exist across time and space too, so in order to truly break away (if it gets to that point in your healing journey that it becomes necessary) you also have to break free of that field as well.
And that’s a tough one!
Takes time and further healing to let go on an energetic level (perhaps we never completely do either, idk).
Excellent video! Thank you!!
I also like the title, “the healing paradox”
Because I think some people make the, usually subconscious, decision to stunt their healing (or never start) in order to preserve connections with family &/or friends.
It’s definitely a trade-off and a costly one at that, no matter which choice you make.
A Sophie’s choice 😩
Gee, maybe I need to start a third substack here and call it The Healing Paradox, ha!
Oh and I have used that same term, 'Sophie's Choice’, often during my journey of trying to create healthier relationships.
Yes. I haven’t read the article, but my decision to get well and no longer accept blame for everything that goes wrong - definitely destroyed my relationship with family.
I doubt that any of them will even show up for my funeral.
A lot of people in my community feel this way, Ken. Hope you can make time to read the article, I'm getting a lot of great feedback on it.
This was a balm to read today 🙏