The Many Layers of Emotional and Psychological Abuse Within the 'Family Scapegoat' Role

I encourage you all to read this comment from one of our subscribers

I wanted to share a comment from one of our subscribers here who goes by ‘JB’ that was in response to a post I sent out earlier this week that included a link to an article written by Ellen Barry of the New York Times, Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy? (You need to make a free account with the New York Times to read it, although somehow I was able to bypass that, not sure how. By the way, Ellen did reach out to me while writing her article and I was able to share my trauma-informed view on the topic of ending contact with family, although my views were not specifically referenced in the published piece.)

I am sharing JB’s comment with all of you here because I found it to be a breathtakingly succinct yet comprehensive description of what it is like to be the target of family scapegoating abuse (FSA) and why many FSA adult survivors end contact with family. I say this not only as a clinician and as the researcher that created the term ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)’, but as a survivor of FSA myself.

I was not the only one who appreciated JB’s summation of what it is like to be caught in the abusive systemic web that constitutes FSA, as you can see from responses to JB’s comment from other subscribers here on my original post.

I hope you take a moment to read JB’s comment. And thank you, JB, for allowing me to share it with everyone here.

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Hi Rebecca,

From you, I have found a place that validates my experience and was finally given a description of what it was I was going through.

Living life as the Scapegoat has many layers of emotional and psychological abuse within the scapegoat appointed role. I have heard this quote, “You cannot heal in the environment that harmed you or made you sick.” There’s nothing I wanted or needed more than the love of people in my family. But time and again they proved they didn’t want me.

To be emotionally abandoned, alienated, ostracized, smeared, affection withheld, and my place removed in the family because of false narratives - In the beginning the confusion it causes (from) not understanding what’s happening because no one will tell you. The alliances they create are solid. No one believes you, and you’re beside yourself in your isolation and loneliness.

You start to question yourself and those doubts begin to erode your identity. Even during this stage in your pain you’re hopeful one of them will accept you again but they don’t.

You’re alone without a family and made to feel everything is your fault. You feel despised, unwanted and invisible and that you don’t matter.

You start closing the door because the pain is intense and excruciating. That door helps you survive by not letting more injustices enter. The door closes in hope for peace and calm so you may settle into healing, are less fragile and to find support. Its a road you never wanted to be on - could never imagine, but one they took you down.

I am still in my healing, yet I hurt every day. I tried giving from this place many times but I cannot be seen by them as a holder of any goodness. So I’ve had to keep the door closed for the protection of my heart and my mind.

I can only look at today yet I know their doors only open for each other.

-JB (FSA Adult Survivor)