Thank you Rebecca for bringing this to my attention & to JB for so articulately writing their feelings & therefore echoing how many of us here feel on a daily basis. I unfortunately missed the New York Times article & comments due to work commitments & lovely grandsons staying over. I will take a look asap.
Hey JB makes a really good point that can't be made enough, at least for me. We didn't choose this. Also, I can relate to the feeling of trying and trying to get live from a stone. It took me 55 years before I finally saw my family clearly. I lost a lot of time. All I can do now is radical acceptance. I don't know what's ahead but I have faith it will be better than what's behind. The fog is lifted
With awareness comes clarity. With clarity comes choice. Through choice, we integrate our awareness into the fabric of our 'everyday life' - and meaningful transformation may then unfold.
I am 56 and decided I am more important and just can't do it anymore. I am done trying to make my mom love me because I honestly don't believe she knows how to love anyone.
Beautiful painful description of the result our upbringing, cought in a false reality, for so long. I asked myself what actually I am suffering off at the moment. My Doors also closed. Suffering is over. Only my head and heart need to be informed. Life itself invite to set free our selves.
This Door is open.
There is a German saying, when one door closes, another one will open. So true.
Its heartbreaking to read, my therapist tells me I have little kindness for myself. To see my story written so clearly and honestly allows me to see myself from the outside and feel some compassion. It is such a raw journey. Thankyou to both of you.
JB you have an amazing way of sharing the deep feeling of an Scapegoat Survivor. I really felt what you wrote and being able to relate, sad as it is, we can all not feel so lonely in healing and give each other the strength and togetherness we all need and deserve. Thank you...
Thank you for articulating the experience I've used to believe was my shame alone. To recover is to go through many layers, naming, and sorting Self from doubt of self. The way you write about the door closing and the solidity of the alliances they create, is absolutely spot on. This pain is one I've had such difficulty explaining, even to my grown kids who empathize but thankfully don't understand. When we dare to write our truth, it resonates with those who need to read it.
I read this and my heart went out to you. I had an amazing vacation with my mom visiting my sister and her family in Florida. My sister moved there from Minnesota last year. I rearranged my vacation because my mom needed me to drive her and her car home to Minnesota. Several of my family members told me not to do it and I only wish I had listened.
My mom has been mean to me as far back as I can remember and I was hoping this time would be different because of my father's death on 12-22-23. She was so supportive in the beginning but it didn't last. She went right back to her normal self.
To make a long story short, we were having a discussion about my little brother who is 43 and mom still takes care of him. He can do nothing wrong even when he does. Telling mom a tornado hit her house when we were driving in the mountains of Kentucky is not something to text her and joke about.
Well one thing lead to another and I was called all these terrible names. Psycho, crazy, lunatic, a**hole, etc. I told her I just wanted to go home and we weren't stopping anywhere else period. I have been in therapy weekly to help deal with my dad's death. I didn't need anything else to deal with. The last thing I said to her was that Jen(my lil sister from my deceased stepfather) and Jayson (her brother) had a mom and I never did.
I decided that I can't keep trying to make her love me because she never will. I am just convenient when she needs something. She had said before all this happened that my dad would be proud of how she was taking care of me. Yea right. My dad loved me and I loved him. He was a true parent always and it's so painful with him gone.
Thank-you Rebecca for sharing JB's story. I regularly experience similar treatment from my bio-family and have endured this abuse for decades. I truly hope to eventually have no contact with them and currently am on my intentional path of healing. Goodness, what a very consuming and liberating, day-to-day challenge. One that has again, reached a wonderful level of compassion, emancipation, health, and RADICAL self-acceptance thanks to your youtube channel. I discovered your channel just this week and it's been amazingly helpful on many levels. In deep gratitude and appreciation for all your efforts in amassing, sharing, and naming Family Scapegoat Abuse, FSA.
Hi Holland, lovely to see you here. And I saw your 'mantra' (borrowed from my Tai Chi teacher) - I love this! Do check out the archives since you're new here. You also should have received a detailed Welcome email with a link to introduce yourself to our community members in the Chat room and other important information. Look forward to getting to know you better!
Thank-you so much for the warm welcome! My birth name is different because for many years I've wanted to change it to coincide and honor different stages throughout my life. In different Indigenous cultures it was ceremonial for members to choose a new name as they felt called to do. Hence the name Holland Verdi (verde means Green in Spanish) in my profile. It feels good and natural to try out different names. I also know it's another way to disconnect and mentally/emotionally distance myself from my bio-family. I'm glad you've brought the resonating mantra into my life too. I look forward to sharing more with you and the community as well.
There are many losses associated with FSA. This is one reason I included a chapter on Disenfranchised Grief in my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Wow!!! 💔💔💔 This states my deepest thoughts and feelings so well!! So helpful! Thank you to the author and to you Rebecca!!❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Such a wonderful, poignant and clear description of why people who are scapegoated end relationships. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Rebecca for bringing this to my attention & to JB for so articulately writing their feelings & therefore echoing how many of us here feel on a daily basis. I unfortunately missed the New York Times article & comments due to work commitments & lovely grandsons staying over. I will take a look asap.
Hey JB makes a really good point that can't be made enough, at least for me. We didn't choose this. Also, I can relate to the feeling of trying and trying to get live from a stone. It took me 55 years before I finally saw my family clearly. I lost a lot of time. All I can do now is radical acceptance. I don't know what's ahead but I have faith it will be better than what's behind. The fog is lifted
With awareness comes clarity. With clarity comes choice. Through choice, we integrate our awareness into the fabric of our 'everyday life' - and meaningful transformation may then unfold.
I am 56 and decided I am more important and just can't do it anymore. I am done trying to make my mom love me because I honestly don't believe she knows how to love anyone.
Beautiful painful description of the result our upbringing, cought in a false reality, for so long. I asked myself what actually I am suffering off at the moment. My Doors also closed. Suffering is over. Only my head and heart need to be informed. Life itself invite to set free our selves.
This Door is open.
There is a German saying, when one door closes, another one will open. So true.
Its heartbreaking to read, my therapist tells me I have little kindness for myself. To see my story written so clearly and honestly allows me to see myself from the outside and feel some compassion. It is such a raw journey. Thankyou to both of you.
JB you have an amazing way of sharing the deep feeling of an Scapegoat Survivor. I really felt what you wrote and being able to relate, sad as it is, we can all not feel so lonely in healing and give each other the strength and togetherness we all need and deserve. Thank you...
"Knowing their doors only open for each other". I have no words and weep at this truth. Ty for being brave enough to write it.
Thank you JB for expressing what I am have found the right words to say about being the scapegoat in my family.
And thank you Rebecca...
You’re welcome, Pamela!
Thank you for articulating the experience I've used to believe was my shame alone. To recover is to go through many layers, naming, and sorting Self from doubt of self. The way you write about the door closing and the solidity of the alliances they create, is absolutely spot on. This pain is one I've had such difficulty explaining, even to my grown kids who empathize but thankfully don't understand. When we dare to write our truth, it resonates with those who need to read it.
I read this and my heart went out to you. I had an amazing vacation with my mom visiting my sister and her family in Florida. My sister moved there from Minnesota last year. I rearranged my vacation because my mom needed me to drive her and her car home to Minnesota. Several of my family members told me not to do it and I only wish I had listened.
My mom has been mean to me as far back as I can remember and I was hoping this time would be different because of my father's death on 12-22-23. She was so supportive in the beginning but it didn't last. She went right back to her normal self.
To make a long story short, we were having a discussion about my little brother who is 43 and mom still takes care of him. He can do nothing wrong even when he does. Telling mom a tornado hit her house when we were driving in the mountains of Kentucky is not something to text her and joke about.
Well one thing lead to another and I was called all these terrible names. Psycho, crazy, lunatic, a**hole, etc. I told her I just wanted to go home and we weren't stopping anywhere else period. I have been in therapy weekly to help deal with my dad's death. I didn't need anything else to deal with. The last thing I said to her was that Jen(my lil sister from my deceased stepfather) and Jayson (her brother) had a mom and I never did.
I decided that I can't keep trying to make her love me because she never will. I am just convenient when she needs something. She had said before all this happened that my dad would be proud of how she was taking care of me. Yea right. My dad loved me and I loved him. He was a true parent always and it's so painful with him gone.
Your words evoked such powerful emotions and, for me, indicates a deep connection we all share . Painful yet comforting❤️❤️❤️
Thank-you Rebecca for sharing JB's story. I regularly experience similar treatment from my bio-family and have endured this abuse for decades. I truly hope to eventually have no contact with them and currently am on my intentional path of healing. Goodness, what a very consuming and liberating, day-to-day challenge. One that has again, reached a wonderful level of compassion, emancipation, health, and RADICAL self-acceptance thanks to your youtube channel. I discovered your channel just this week and it's been amazingly helpful on many levels. In deep gratitude and appreciation for all your efforts in amassing, sharing, and naming Family Scapegoat Abuse, FSA.
Hi Holland, lovely to see you here. And I saw your 'mantra' (borrowed from my Tai Chi teacher) - I love this! Do check out the archives since you're new here. You also should have received a detailed Welcome email with a link to introduce yourself to our community members in the Chat room and other important information. Look forward to getting to know you better!
Thank-you so much for the warm welcome! My birth name is different because for many years I've wanted to change it to coincide and honor different stages throughout my life. In different Indigenous cultures it was ceremonial for members to choose a new name as they felt called to do. Hence the name Holland Verdi (verde means Green in Spanish) in my profile. It feels good and natural to try out different names. I also know it's another way to disconnect and mentally/emotionally distance myself from my bio-family. I'm glad you've brought the resonating mantra into my life too. I look forward to sharing more with you and the community as well.
I just edited my comment to read 'Holland' so Holland it is for now, unless you specify otherwise.
Thank-you so much for honoring my name, deeply appreciated.
This made me cry reading it. I have struggled with the right words and always fumble then when confronted. Thank you ❤️
I am catching up onolder posts, and just read this. Like others i found it an extremely powerful summation of the heart of FSA emotional wounding.
Thank you.
I....am....sad
There are many losses associated with FSA. This is one reason I included a chapter on Disenfranchised Grief in my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.