The Power of Choice: An Abuse Survivor’s Right to Share or Withhold Their Story
Honoring your personal narrative as an adult survivor of family scapegoating abuse (FSA)...
Family scapegoating abuse (FSA) is a deeply damaging form of psycho-emotional abuse where one family member is unjustly blamed for the family’s issues. This abuse can have lasting effects, and survivors often face a complex decision about whether, when, and how to share their stories - including in regard to family contact. This article (which includes a case study from my FSA Recovery Coaching practice) explores the critical right of adult survivors of FSA to control their own narratives and the ethical responsibilities that others must uphold to earn the privilege of hearing their stories of familial abuse and decisions around ending contact.
Your comments are welcome on this public post (but could be picked up by search engines). Paid subscribers may access a private discussion thread on the topic of how to answer questions regarding family contact by clicking on the button below:
Introduction
Family scapegoating abuse (FSA) involves a pattern where one family member is systematically targeted and blamed for the family’s problems. This individual, often a child or young adult, becomes the scapegoat for issues that stem from deeper family dysfunctions.
As my years of qualitative research on the phenomenon I eventually named ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA) revealed, the child or adult child in the ‘scapegoat’ role is burdened with the family’s unresolved conflicts and issues, leading to deep emotional scars. And yet, rarely are adult survivors of FSA recognized as abuse survivors deserving of social recognition and support.
To add salt to the wound, it is often assumed by others that adult children who are not in contact with family members are to blame for the perceived ‘estrangement’. For example, many of my research respondents reported that a question they are typically asked if the issue comes up (such as during the holidays) is, “What did you do to make your family end contact with you?”
The Right to Share One's Story (Or Not…)
Autonomy in Narrative Control
As I often emphasize with my clients, it is crucial for abuse survivors to retain control over their narrative. This control is a key aspect of their healing process and helps restore their sense of personal agency.
Specifically: Survivors of FSA have a fundamental right to control how, when, and if they share their stories - including in regard to family contact. This autonomy is essential for several reasons:
1. Emotional Readiness: Sharing a personal story of abuse and its aftermath can be emotionally overwhelming. Given that my original FSA research indicated that many FSA adult survivors suffer from complex trauma symptoms, survivors should have the freedom to choose when they feel ready to disclose their traumatizing family experiences. This is especially critical because it is now understood that pressuring or forcing someone to share their story can cause additional trauma (van Emmerik et al., 2002).
2. Personal Safety: Controlling their narrative allows survivors of family abuse to protect their privacy and ensure their safety. They can decide who they trust with their story, making sure it’s shared with those who understand and respect the seriousness of their experiences.
3. Empowerment: By choosing when and how to share their stories, survivors can reclaim their sense of control and agency, which is often stripped away by the abuse itself.
The Ethical Responsibility of Others
Earning the Right to Hear
Listening to an abuse survivor’s story should be approached with deep empathy and respect. It’s not just about hearing the words but about understanding the emotional and psychological context behind them.
FSA adult survivors - like all abuse survivors - typically develop various unconscious survival strategies and defense mechanisms in response to the various stressful or traumatizing events experienced in their family-of-origin.
For example, many survivors of abuse develop a high need to control their environment as adults, resulting in their presenting as being “strong and resilient” to others. The genuine trauma and abuse they have experienced within their families can therefore be discounted, dismissed, minimized, or ignored should they attempt to share their story. (How many FSA survivors reading this have heard, “Oh, but you’re so strong and resilient - you don’t seem affected by abuse at all!”)
For others—whether friends, family members, or professionals—the privilege to hear an abuse or trauma survivor’s story must be earned. This involves several ethical considerations:
1. Building Trust: Survivors need to feel safe and supported before they are willing to share their experiences. Building a trusting and non-judgmental relationship is therefore essential prior to inquiring about another’s abuse.
2. Respecting Boundaries: It’s important to respect the boundaries set by survivors. This includes acknowledging that they may not want to share certain details or may choose not to share at all.
3. Understanding and Empathy: Others should approach the survivor’s story regarding their family experiences and/or level of family contact with empathy and an understanding of the complexities involved. Listening without imposing one’s own interpretations or judgments is key.
The Impact of Narrative Control
When survivors are able to share their stories on their own terms, they will often experience a significant boost in regard to their sense of empowerment and recovery. This control is an essential component of their FSA healing journey, as the below case study from my practice will show:
Case Study
Navigating Assumptions and Abuse - The Story of Sharon
Background
Sharon, a 34-year-old professional, is an adult survivor of family scapegoating abuse (FSA). For years, Sharon was the family scapegoat, bearing the brunt of her family’s unresolved issues and dysfunctions. The constant blame and emotional abuse eventually led her to sever ties with her family-of-origin for her own mental and emotional well-being.
The Situation
After ending contact with her family, Sharon faced numerous questions from acquaintances and colleagues who were unaware of the full context of her family dynamics. Many assumed that Sharon must have done something to have caused (in their words) her “estrangement” from family. Common questions included:
- "What did you do to make your family cut ties with you?"
- "Are you sure there wasn’t some misunderstanding or mistake on your part?"
- "Family is important; have you considered reaching out to them again?"
Sharon’s Response
1. Maintaining Boundaries
During the course of our work together, Sharon decided to address these questions with a focus on maintaining her personal boundaries while providing as much clarity as she felt comfortable with. She chose not to delve into the specifics of the abuse but aimed to correct misconceptions without oversharing. How much she chose to share depended on her relationship with the person asking the question and how trusting she was of their ability to respond in an empathetic, appropriately responsive manner.
2. Educating with Sensitivity
When questioned about the lack of family contact from someone she did not know well, Sharon would typically reply, “It’s a personal matter, and I’m focusing on my healing and well-being at this time.”
If Sharon felt she was comfortable sharing more based on her relationship with the person asking the question, she might give a longer answer along the lines of, “My decision to end contact with my family was based on significant emotional and psychological reasons that I believe are best understood by those who have experienced similar situations. At this time I’m focusing on my healing and well-being.”
By framing her response this way, Sharon set a boundary that her reasons for ending family contact were personal and complex, without getting into details that could be emotionally taxing for her.
3. Addressing Misunderstandings
When faced with insinuations that she must have caused “the estrangement” (versus her making a conscious decision to end contact with abusive family members for her own well-being), Sharon would calmly respond, “It’s important to understand that family dynamics can be very complex. Staying in a situation that causes ongoing harm is not a choice any healthy person would make, even if it’s hard for others to understand.”
Sharon’s approach was to gently correct misunderstandings by emphasizing that her decision was made for her own health and safety, rather than due to any fault of her own.
4. Empowering the Narrative
Sharon also took opportunities to educate others about the impact of family scapegoating abuse in a general sense, without disclosing personal details. She might say, “Being on the receiving end of family scapegoating behaviors can be a deeply damaging experience. It’s important to support those who are dealing with such issues and to respect their decisions about how they handle their family relationships.”
Outcome
Sharon’s responses helped her navigate conversations with self-respect and personal dignity, protecting her emotional health while addressing the misconceptions of others. By setting clear boundaries and providing gentle education, she was able to manage the erroneous assumptions of others without compromising her own well-being.
This case study highlights the delicate balance that FSA survivors must maintain when handling questions and assumptions about their family relationships. Sharon’s approach demonstrates how survivors can assert their narrative while protecting themselves from further emotional distress.
An important note: Some FSA adult survivors were ‘ejected’ from their family systems. They did not end contact with family - their family ended contact with them (this can occur after the FSA adult survivor begins establishing healthy boundaries to protect their mental and emotional health - watch my video, Why 'Healthy Boundaries' Can Make Scapegoat Abuse (FSA) Worse to learn more). This is also another little-discussed aspect of family scapegoating abuse that should be considered before assuming it was the adult survivor who ended contact.
Conclusion
For adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse, the right to control their personal narrative is a vital aspect of their healing process. It reflects their journey toward reclaiming their autonomy and rebuilding their lives.
As society continues to evolve in its understanding and support of family abuse and trauma survivors, it is crucial for individuals and professionals to respect their boundaries and earn the privilege of hearing their stories through trust, empathy, and respect.
By adhering to these principles, we create a more supportive environment that not only acknowledges the pain of FSA survivors but also upholds their right to determine their own path to recovery.
If anyone is interested, there's always the option of telling people you're an orphan. Then get to know individuals better to confirm if they are a safe person who can handle the real story.
Personaly, I do consider myself an orphan...
Arrrgh accidentally deleted my comment!