How Family Abuse Survivors Can Respond When Asked Why They're Not Visiting Family for the Holidays
Strategies for shutting down invalidating or intrusive inquiries and conversations when you've gone 'no contact' with family.
Introduction
The holiday season is typically viewed as a time for family reunions and celebrations. However, for survivors of family abuse, including Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), this time of year can be a source of stress, anxiety, and emotional pain and distress. When friends, acquaintances, or even well-meaning relatives you may still be in touch with ask why you aren’t visiting your family for the holidays, it can be a difficult question to answer. This is because survivors of family abuse often feel torn between maintaining their boundaries and explaining their situation to others. This article offers helpful ways for those no longer in contact with family to approach these types of difficult (and sometimes invasive) questions by suggesting responses that respect their mental and emotional well-being while minimizing the risk of traumatic invalidation.
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1. Minimizing the Need for Explanation
Survivors of family abuse often need to set boundaries to protect themselves from further harm. One of the most effective ways to respond to questions about not visiting family during the holidays is to maintain clear, respectful boundaries without oversharing or feeling that you need to “explain”. This is because explaining your decisions and choices in detail can lead to more unwanted questions and can also result in your feeling you need to defend your decision to limit or end contact with abusive family members. It’s therefore essential to remember that you are not obligated to divulge every detail of your painful family experiences. This is especially true for FSA adult survivors, who frequently have their experience of family psycho-emotional abuse invalidated and/or outright dismissed.
Family abuse survivors may also feel a sense of guilt (rooted in toxic shame) or responsibility to explain their reasons for not visiting family. However, it’s crucial to recognize that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Family dynamics are often complex, and people outside the situation may not be capable of understanding the subtle or even obvious nuances. FSA in particular is typically insidious and subtle and extremely difficult to succinctly explain to anyone not familiar with systemic and psycho-emotional abuse. This is why the best approach is to keep the answer simple and direct.
Example Responses:
"I’ve made the decision to take care of my mental and emotional health this year, so I’m not visiting family."
"I’m taking a break from family dynamics that have been stressful for me. It’s what’s best for me right now."
These responses allow you to set a boundary without giving in to the pressure to explain or justify your decision.
Example Responses:
"I’m just taking some time for myself this holiday season."
"I prefer to keep things low-key this year."
These responses offer a simple answer while shifting the focus away from your personal history, minimizing the emotional labor of explaining your situation.
2. Naming the Issue (If You Feel Comfortable)
There may be moments when you feel comfortable enough to provide a more in-depth explanation or make a conscious decision to educate others about the impact of the family abuse you’ve experienced. If this is the case, it’s important to speak at your own pace and only when you feel ready to share.