(Public Post): How Family Abuse Survivors Can Respond When Asked Why They're Not Visiting Family for the Holidays

Strategies for shutting down invalidating or intrusive inquiries and conversations when you've gone 'no contact' with family.

Photo by Erin Larson on Unsplash

Introduction

The holiday season is typically viewed as a time for family reunions and celebrations. However, for survivors of family abuse, including Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA), this time of year can be a source of stress, anxiety, and emotional pain and distress. When friends, acquaintances, or even well-meaning relatives you may still be in touch with ask why you aren’t visiting your family for the holidays, it can be a difficult question to answer. This is because survivors of family abuse often feel torn between maintaining their boundaries and explaining their situation to others. This article offers helpful ways for those no longer in contact with family to approach these types of difficult (and sometimes invasive) questions by suggesting responses that respect their mental and emotional well-being while minimizing the risk of traumatic invalidation.

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HOLIDAY CHAT THREAD: Paid Subscribers: You can discuss the contents of this article in our Holiday Chat Thread, which I’m leaving up until January 5th, ‘25/

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1. Minimizing the Need for Explanation

Survivors of family abuse often need to set boundaries to protect themselves from further harm. One of the most effective ways to respond to questions about not visiting family during the holidays is to maintain clear, respectful boundaries without oversharing or feeling that you need to “explain”. This is because explaining your decisions and choices in detail can lead to more unwanted questions and can also result in your feeling you need to defend your decision to limit or end contact with abusive family members. It’s therefore essential to remember that you are not obligated to divulge every detail of your painful family experiences. This is especially true for FSA adult survivors, who frequently have their experience of family psycho-emotional abuse invalidated and/or outright dismissed.

Family abuse survivors may also feel a sense of guilt (rooted in toxic shame) or responsibility to explain their reasons for not visiting family. However, it’s crucial to recognize that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Family dynamics are often complex, and people outside the situation may not be capable of understanding the subtle or even obvious nuances. FSA in particular is typically insidious and subtle and extremely difficult to succinctly explain to anyone not familiar with systemic and psycho-emotional abuse. This is why the best approach is to keep the answer simple and direct.

Example Responses:

• "I’ve made the decision to take care of my mental and emotional health this year, so I’m not visiting family."

• "I’m taking a break from family dynamics that have been stressful for me. It’s what’s best for me right now."

These responses allow you to set a boundary without giving in to the pressure to explain or justify your decision.

Example Responses:

• "I’m just taking some time for myself this holiday season."

• "I prefer to keep things low-key this year."

These responses offer a simple answer while shifting the focus away from your personal history, minimizing the emotional labor of explaining your situation.

2. Naming the Issue (If You Feel Comfortable)

There may be moments when you feel comfortable enough to provide a more in-depth explanation or make a conscious decision to educate others about the impact of the family abuse you’ve experienced. If this is the case, it’s important to speak at your own pace and only when you feel ready to share.

Example Responses:

• "My family history is complicated, and I’m working on healing from some past trauma, so I’ve decided to stay away for my peace of mind."

• "It’s really hard to talk about, but I’ve been through some challenging experiences in my family that I’m still processing. To prioritize my well-being, I’m not visiting this year."

These responses open the door to further conversation but should only be shared if and when you feel safe doing so. Remember that not everyone will be receptive or capable of understanding the experience of family abuse, so it's okay to protect your emotional space.

3. Offering a Non-Defensive, Honest Response

Sometimes, people ask about family visits out of genuine concern, not out of judgment. In these cases, providing a direct but non-defensive answer can help them understand the situation without feeling like you're being confrontational.

Example Responses:

• "The holidays have been difficult for me in the past due to an ongoing family situation, so I’m choosing to spend time with people who support me."

• "I’m focusing on my own healing right now, so I’m taking a break from family gatherings this year."

By offering an honest, brief answer in a non-judgmental tone, you help others understand your choice while keeping the conversation respectful and free from further emotional burden.

TIP: If the person you’re replying to attempts to dig further for more information, is intrusive, or pushes your boundaries, it’s perfectly okay to say, “I appreciate your interest but that’s all I’m comfortable sharing at this time.” Then ask about them and how they’re spending the holidays (or what movie they’ve seen lately that they liked, etc - anything to get the focus off of you and back onto them - See #6, below, for more example responses).

4. Redefining the Holiday Experience

For survivors of family abuse, the holiday season may mean rethinking traditional celebrations. Instead of following societal expectations, you can create new traditions that prioritize self-care, healing, and healthy connections. When asked why you’re not visiting family, one way to respond is to share how you are embracing the season differently.

Example Responses:

• "I’m choosing to spend the holidays focusing on my own self-care and celebrating with close friends who support me in this."

• "I’ve started creating my own holiday traditions that help me feel more at peace."

These responses subtly shift the focus from a traditional family gathering to a healthier, more sustainable approach to the holidays.

5. Addressing the Question with Humor (When Appropriate)

Sometimes humor can be a helpful coping mechanism, especially if you feel comfortable with the person asking the question. A lighthearted answer can defuse tension while still signaling that you prefer to celebrate the holiday season on your terms.

Example Responses:

• "I’m giving my family a break from me this year. My not being present is a gift to both them and me!"

• "My family and I are taking a little ‘holiday from the holidays.’"

Humor can serve as a deflection, helping to ease the discomfort of discussing a sensitive topic without needing to go into too much detail. However, it’s important to assess whether humor is appropriate based on the person you're speaking with and your emotional readiness.

6. Knowing When to Disengage

Not everyone will respect your boundaries, and sometimes it’s important to disengage from the conversation entirely if it becomes too uncomfortable. Abuse survivors (particularly those who experience symptoms of Complex Trauma) should always trust their instincts and walk away from conversations that feel intrusive or harmful.

Example Responses:

• "I’m not ready to talk about this right now - I appreciate your understanding."

• "This topic is difficult for me, and I’d prefer not to discuss it."

It’s okay to remove yourself from conversations that don’t respect your need for privacy or safety. You have the right to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being above any social expectations.

Subscriber Examples (With Suggested Responses)

Here are some questions or statements that subscribers of my FSA Education Substack have encountered, with some suggested responses:

1. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret” (regarding going no-contact, which this subscriber has done)

   Response: “Thank you for your concern. I have appropriate support and am confident in my decision and don’t need to discuss it further.”

2. “You just need a someone (e.g., a “good man” or “good woman”, etc) to love you”

   Response: “My experience is that it is most important that I love myself so that doesn’t really apply to me.”

3. “Now that you’ve gone no-contact, you can leave all that behind and move on with your life”

   Response: “I wish it were that easy. I’m realistic about the effort it takes to heal from these types of family situations so I appreciate your understanding that I may need to prioritize my own self-care at times.” (or “right now” or whatever feels true for you).

4. “Lighten up!”

   Response: “Sounds like my sharing authentically has made you uncomfortable. What would you like us to talk about instead?” (You can also excuse yourself form the conversation, particularly if you are feeling invalidated and/or ‘triggered’.)

Conclusion

Survivors of family abuse often face the challenging task of navigating holiday traditions and dealing with questions about family gatherings. While these conversations can be emotionally charged, it’s important to remember that your decision to not visit family is valid, and you are entitled to protect your mental and emotional well-being. By setting clear boundaries, offering simple explanations, or even educating others when appropriate, you can handle these conversations in a way that feels safe and empowering. The holidays may look different for you, and that’s okay. What matters most is honoring your needs and healing in your own time and space.

To learn more about navigating holiday challenges as a family abuse survivor, read my article, Navigating the Holidays: A Guide for Family Abuse Survivors

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