great article and perfect examples of responses that we may have prepared depending on who we may find ourselves in contact with. I know after being scapegoated for my entire life, I rarely had prepared responses and could never respond appropriately (re: healthy and with boundaries) for a long long time. It was the result of never allowed a voice or opinion, and never allowed to say no to them. Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away. Anyway, now - several friends I've been in touch with have known my struggle this last year. It may have been too much for them, but I needed to tell my truth at times. Those that didn't want to hear it or accept it, went their own way. I tried always to be aware of how strongly I may come across and rarely told them when I was in a heightened emotional state. I would let it settle and some understanding and grounding processing occur before I spoke. However, the only ones around me now are the ones who understand and support me. If a stranger may say something - I can thank them for the holiday wishes and if they dig further, I'll just use the "disengagement responses". Some who are without boundaries and busybodies, I may just shut it down with I don't have any living "family" anymore so my husband and I are enjoying a quiet holiday to ourselves. Which is true.
Thanks, Ki. This really struck me (from your comment): "Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away." I bet many here will relate - including me.
thank you. it definitely is about reclaiming ME and my own value, qualities and self in the healing. And is sometimes a very difficult difference to discern. But it always seems to follow the "when I am ready, the teacher will come" in my experience.
Giving myself permission to celebrate holidays with new traditions has been a blessing. Who says one size fits all? I liked your suggestion of handling this with humor! Great idea. Thank you.
Wonder if anyone else is in a period of feeling extra vulnerable and defenseless. Having suggestions like this not only affirms the experiences around the holidays, but gives a practical crib sheet to practice, have handy.
This very quandary /question (or how to answer it!) has been on my mind for so many years. I am blown away by the sheer fact of having finally stumbled upon the most self-caring way to address or respond to this question/concern should it ever come up. TY for this✨
great article and perfect examples of responses that we may have prepared depending on who we may find ourselves in contact with. I know after being scapegoated for my entire life, I rarely had prepared responses and could never respond appropriately (re: healthy and with boundaries) for a long long time. It was the result of never allowed a voice or opinion, and never allowed to say no to them. Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away. Anyway, now - several friends I've been in touch with have known my struggle this last year. It may have been too much for them, but I needed to tell my truth at times. Those that didn't want to hear it or accept it, went their own way. I tried always to be aware of how strongly I may come across and rarely told them when I was in a heightened emotional state. I would let it settle and some understanding and grounding processing occur before I spoke. However, the only ones around me now are the ones who understand and support me. If a stranger may say something - I can thank them for the holiday wishes and if they dig further, I'll just use the "disengagement responses". Some who are without boundaries and busybodies, I may just shut it down with I don't have any living "family" anymore so my husband and I are enjoying a quiet holiday to ourselves. Which is true.
Thanks, Ki. This really struck me (from your comment): "Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away." I bet many here will relate - including me.
Indeed !
thank you. it definitely is about reclaiming ME and my own value, qualities and self in the healing. And is sometimes a very difficult difference to discern. But it always seems to follow the "when I am ready, the teacher will come" in my experience.
Giving myself permission to celebrate holidays with new traditions has been a blessing. Who says one size fits all? I liked your suggestion of handling this with humor! Great idea. Thank you.
You're welcome, Fran!
this is a great reminder and helpful. Not really an issue for me at this point. Message me btw?
Wonder if anyone else is in a period of feeling extra vulnerable and defenseless. Having suggestions like this not only affirms the experiences around the holidays, but gives a practical crib sheet to practice, have handy.
This very quandary /question (or how to answer it!) has been on my mind for so many years. I am blown away by the sheer fact of having finally stumbled upon the most self-caring way to address or respond to this question/concern should it ever come up. TY for this✨
You're welcome 😊 🙏