great article and perfect examples of responses that we may have prepared depending on who we may find ourselves in contact with. I know after being scapegoated for my entire life, I rarely had prepared responses and could never respond appropriately (re: healthy and with boundaries) for a long long time. It was the result of never allowed a voice or opinion, and never allowed to say no to them. Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away. Anyway, now - several friends I've been in touch with have known my struggle this last year. It may have been too much for them, but I needed to tell my truth at times. Those that didn't want to hear it or accept it, went their own way. I tried always to be aware of how strongly I may come across and rarely told them when I was in a heightened emotional state. I would let it settle and some understanding and grounding processing occur before I spoke. However, the only ones around me now are the ones who understand and support me. If a stranger may say something - I can thank them for the holiday wishes and if they dig further, I'll just use the "disengagement responses". Some who are without boundaries and busybodies, I may just shut it down with I don't have any living "family" anymore so my husband and I are enjoying a quiet holiday to ourselves. Which is true.
Thanks, Ki. This really struck me (from your comment): "Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away." I bet many here will relate - including me.
thank you. it definitely is about reclaiming ME and my own value, qualities and self in the healing. And is sometimes a very difficult difference to discern. But it always seems to follow the "when I am ready, the teacher will come" in my experience.
Giving myself permission to celebrate holidays with new traditions has been a blessing. Who says one size fits all? I liked your suggestion of handling this with humor! Great idea. Thank you.
Wonder if anyone else is in a period of feeling extra vulnerable and defenseless. Having suggestions like this not only affirms the experiences around the holidays, but gives a practical crib sheet to practice, have handy.
This very quandary /question (or how to answer it!) has been on my mind for so many years. I am blown away by the sheer fact of having finally stumbled upon the most self-caring way to address or respond to this question/concern should it ever come up. TY for this✨
I learned how to incorporate the best of what my family had to offer into a loving remembrance of that which was good. May we all find peace, clarity, and restoration this season and beyond. Thank you as always Rebecca for your work which takes the shame out of doing what is best for our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Namaste ❤️💋😘
Thank you, I really needed something to read this evening and this hit the spot. This is my first holiday season since going no contact, and although my Thanksgiving was calm, predictable, and inviting, I have been feeling particularly overcome with grief in the evenings. It isn’t as crippling as it was in the beginning, but I still fantasize about some breakthrough they (my family) will have where they hear and understand me and want to make things right. But time and again they have not been capable of that type of self-reflection or accountability. I live in a rural community, which complicates things because everyone knows everybody. Last night, at a holiday fund raiser a woman came in for hot chocolate and asked “How are your parents?” I said, “I’m not sure I haven’t talked to them in awhile”. She gasped and said “Shame on you.” I paused for a moment, handed her her cocoa and said “No, shame on them.” And she looked at me and said, “You’re right. It’s much more difficult to pack up 4 kids than for them to come to you. They know where you live” and I nodded and smiled. It was kind of a revelation. I did it. I spoke my truth, and that person reflected back that strength to me. I felt really good about that. I was feeling lonely tonight, but it feels good to share. Thank you, Rebecca. 🤍
Good for you for speaking the truth and not taking on that shame. To have this truth reflected back to you is a rare thing for us FSA survivors, it must have felt amazing, indeed.
The way you name ‘traumatic invalidation’ and the specific comments survivors hear (e.g., ‘Don’t do anything you’ll regret,’ ‘Just move on,’ ‘Lighten up’) is spot on. Those phrases land like mini gaslights and can be as activating as the original family system. I love that your suggested responses are firm but non-inflammatory: they protect the nervous system and the boundary.
great article and perfect examples of responses that we may have prepared depending on who we may find ourselves in contact with. I know after being scapegoated for my entire life, I rarely had prepared responses and could never respond appropriately (re: healthy and with boundaries) for a long long time. It was the result of never allowed a voice or opinion, and never allowed to say no to them. Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away. Anyway, now - several friends I've been in touch with have known my struggle this last year. It may have been too much for them, but I needed to tell my truth at times. Those that didn't want to hear it or accept it, went their own way. I tried always to be aware of how strongly I may come across and rarely told them when I was in a heightened emotional state. I would let it settle and some understanding and grounding processing occur before I spoke. However, the only ones around me now are the ones who understand and support me. If a stranger may say something - I can thank them for the holiday wishes and if they dig further, I'll just use the "disengagement responses". Some who are without boundaries and busybodies, I may just shut it down with I don't have any living "family" anymore so my husband and I are enjoying a quiet holiday to ourselves. Which is true.
Thanks, Ki. This really struck me (from your comment): "Always being kind in the face of abuse. HA well, thankfully that has changed. It was a struggle to separate my "kindness" of my true authentic self from their forced conditional requirement of kindness which meant I had to stuff any and all uncomfortable emotions deep away." I bet many here will relate - including me.
Indeed !
thank you. it definitely is about reclaiming ME and my own value, qualities and self in the healing. And is sometimes a very difficult difference to discern. But it always seems to follow the "when I am ready, the teacher will come" in my experience.
Giving myself permission to celebrate holidays with new traditions has been a blessing. Who says one size fits all? I liked your suggestion of handling this with humor! Great idea. Thank you.
You're welcome, Fran!
Wonder if anyone else is in a period of feeling extra vulnerable and defenseless. Having suggestions like this not only affirms the experiences around the holidays, but gives a practical crib sheet to practice, have handy.
This very quandary /question (or how to answer it!) has been on my mind for so many years. I am blown away by the sheer fact of having finally stumbled upon the most self-caring way to address or respond to this question/concern should it ever come up. TY for this✨
You're welcome, Kait, for some reason I only just now I'm seeing this comment!
no worries, great resource, and it makes so much sense!
You're welcome 😊 🙏
Great post!!
Thank you, Melissa!
I learned how to incorporate the best of what my family had to offer into a loving remembrance of that which was good. May we all find peace, clarity, and restoration this season and beyond. Thank you as always Rebecca for your work which takes the shame out of doing what is best for our mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Namaste ❤️💋😘
Thank you, I really needed something to read this evening and this hit the spot. This is my first holiday season since going no contact, and although my Thanksgiving was calm, predictable, and inviting, I have been feeling particularly overcome with grief in the evenings. It isn’t as crippling as it was in the beginning, but I still fantasize about some breakthrough they (my family) will have where they hear and understand me and want to make things right. But time and again they have not been capable of that type of self-reflection or accountability. I live in a rural community, which complicates things because everyone knows everybody. Last night, at a holiday fund raiser a woman came in for hot chocolate and asked “How are your parents?” I said, “I’m not sure I haven’t talked to them in awhile”. She gasped and said “Shame on you.” I paused for a moment, handed her her cocoa and said “No, shame on them.” And she looked at me and said, “You’re right. It’s much more difficult to pack up 4 kids than for them to come to you. They know where you live” and I nodded and smiled. It was kind of a revelation. I did it. I spoke my truth, and that person reflected back that strength to me. I felt really good about that. I was feeling lonely tonight, but it feels good to share. Thank you, Rebecca. 🤍
Good for you for speaking the truth and not taking on that shame. To have this truth reflected back to you is a rare thing for us FSA survivors, it must have felt amazing, indeed.
The way you name ‘traumatic invalidation’ and the specific comments survivors hear (e.g., ‘Don’t do anything you’ll regret,’ ‘Just move on,’ ‘Lighten up’) is spot on. Those phrases land like mini gaslights and can be as activating as the original family system. I love that your suggested responses are firm but non-inflammatory: they protect the nervous system and the boundary.