I had fun doing it and plan to do more. May do some videos later next year as well, but in my surveys here on Substack that was not high up on my subscribers lists of 'wants', surprisingly.
Merry Christmas & all the very best for a happy & healthy 2025. I look forward to listening to your voice recording a little later, we have our grandsons here. Thank you everything.
Rebecca, with heartfelt gratitude , I thank you for your wonderful affirmation and impactful article. Today there was heaviness on my heart , but your words of validation, compassion and of hope reaffirm why you have become a powerful voice in our lives. The truth you capture for us all, brings healing to our souls. Thank you for this generous and enormous gift and for being here.
Lovely to hear from you, JB. Thank you for your kind note of acknowledgment here. I'm glad my affirmation touched you and I hope it will continue to uplift you as you travel on toward possibility, hope, and healing.
Cleansing tears streamed down my face as I listened. I will listen again when I start to feel lonely or low again throughout the Christmas season.
This is the first one that I’ve chosen to stand my ground. Gone no contact with some including my mother whom I discovered some serious unpleasant behaviors that have been vicious and intentional. Jealous and ill intention to separate me from my adult children and grandson. My heart is heavy with grief.
The level of toxicity in my extended family and I being the black sheep. Not understanding where they were getting their information from. Then it hit me like a bus. My entire life my mom deflected her misgivings by telling tales of how awful I was. Exaggerated stories or all out lies.
The curtain is drawn back. My daughters are estranged. I sit back and see how the manipulation played out in her favor. When she flat out admitted it to me just before the funeral of my daughter’s second child (who she gave birth to and was deceased). She admitted everything and said that is the way the world works. I cut contact immediately after that.
My heart is…. devastated…. I removed myself from social media as I saw how she placed herself in my position.
I sit alone in the stillness of my own home. Grateful for the peace. Praying.
I have a long road to go and I’m beyond grateful for your presence.
My heart goes out to you especially this time of year. You are surely going through a lot, but u are in the right place for understanding and support. We understand greatly being the scapegoated child. I have begun to understand the dynamics of it all and we are not what they say we are. Lots of healing here. Take care🌅
Thank you Sally and you are 100% right! We are not who they say we are. It’s blown my mind that my own mother has been doing this to me for I don’t even know how long really. Realizing how many family members came up to me over the years that I had not seen. Who would say the most off the wall comments about me and my bad behavior…. As a youth, teen, and adult. Thinking WHERE, WHO, and WHAT? Then getting sidetracked because I was a single mother of four daughters. Who my mother has now turned against me so that she can be in their lives and not me. I saw a picture of them and her together and was shocked! She replaced me…. I stood there and looked blankly at the picture in disbelief.
My scapegoat narrative given to me by family is that I am "crazy" and "mentally ill" - courtesy of my mother, and now a cousin and sibling, and who knows who else. I have somehow "fooled" everyone regarding my being an internationally recognized and respected Family Systems expert. I'm the first woman in my family to ever get a graduate degree. I've done pretty well - for a crazy person (!) Be sure to watch my video on FSA and the scapegoat narrative here: https://youtu.be/nMCKjITib18
@Ronnie..I hear you when you say “how it’s blown your mind on how long it took to realize” bc I too experienced that. My father was the main scapegoated but hours after he passed sway in1999 my sister took over hours after his death. And it took until this summer after finding and reading Rebecca’s book and going to see her one more time /4000 miles away and experiencing a big episode 7 days later where I walked out and will never go back. It’s so unbelievable a parent can do that and siblings too to another family member. Sending support and care your way at this most difficult time. Heartbreaking regarding your daughters. Time and truth are the healers. There is a lot of resources here and healing. We all do understand where u are coming from. We are the truth tellers of our family. So glad u are here.
Your painful experience illustrates perfectly that FSA is indeed systemic. It might not be evident that this is so while a scapegoating parent is alive; but it will become quickly evident when one or more siblings continue on with the same old 'scapegoat narrative' that parent attached to you and promoted for decades once the parent becomes infirm or dies. Sorry this happened to you. I also know this one first hand and it is a truly shocking - and often traumatizing - discovery.
Hi Ronnie, cleansing tears from honest grief can be deeply healing. Listen to this affirmation whenever you feel moved to. I also want to say that what you wrote here was my experience as well. If you're a paid subscriber you can check into our Holiday chat as well here: https://substack.com/chat/2666152/post/df4add47-8ffc-44bc-9caf-4ec1000ba3fa
In my book, I liken this moment of awareness to the ending of the movie 'The Usual Suspects' - The entire false narrative is suddenly exposed and we see what really happened. "Not understanding where they were getting their information from. Then it hit me like a bus. My entire life my mom deflected her misgivings by telling tales of how awful I was. Exaggerated stories or all out lies." It is a hideous moment of understanding. A moment like no other. You are not alone.
Thank you Rebecca! I definitely will and when I am able to afford to purchase your book I will. I’m at the end of an LTE job and have been searching for work. An interview on 1/2. Hoping it works. I look forward to reading it. Thank you.
Thank you! I’m going to get to work on this. Is it normal to physically feel drained and tired? It took everything in me to shower and get ready for the day. It’s not like anyone is coming over or I’m going anywhere…. Not hungry…. I have a call into my therapist for an emergency session after the holiday. I did get a call from my Uncle and Aunt asking if I received my Christmas cards from the family Christmas party. I said I had no desire to call and ask for them. They are the only Aunt and Uncle I would speak with. They said my mom was walking around telling everyone that “my daughter isn’t talking to me”. (Of course, be the victim as usual. I don’t care anymore. She can say whatever she wants and they can believe whatever they want. It doesn’t matter because no one calls me to talk. Keep it amongst themselves. I’m out.).
Flip flopping from looking forward to having past yuck pop up. Pushing away the yuck as much as I can. In the same I don’t want to push it down to only have it pop up again. I’d rather cry and release it. Let it run its course and let it GO…. Sorry for the rant….Im doing all I can to deal with this in the healthiest way possible.
You are grieving perfectly, Ronnie. Keep trusting that you are doing your best and are grieving and processing as good as anyone can. If you can get through these initial days, you may be doing much better a few weeks from now. I had this awful, awful meeting with my parents 2 weeks ago. I lost an average of 3-5 hours of sleep per night in the 10 days around this meeting, then contracted a virus, of course. Never again. They were so ridiculous at the meeting - when you get some distance from it, it's comical. We are here to help you through the initial days and weeks and beyond. It is SO bleeping painful (and we are used to pain!!). Honour yourself and what you feel you need at any given moment. Be patient with yourself if your productivity goes way down. I totally, totally get how just having a shower and having clean teeth and clean hair and making a bed is a bleeping triumph!!! This is psychologic injury at it's worst. It's an injury darnit, and it will take time to get your feet under you again. We will help you heal in your own way and your own time. There is a whole other world out there!! One of freedom to be you and to redesign yourself and your life. We can help each other there. 🙏♥️
Throughout my life, no matter how I shined, or achieved or was successful, my mother seemed to succeed in bringing me back down to failing and being dependent on her emotionally, yet again, looking for the love that was never there. And she succeeded in convincing others that that’s where I really belong, that THAT was the real me, never able to quite measure up. And because the pattern started when I was so young, I was never able to completely break it. Now that she’s finally gone, I have a chance to finally heal ❤️🩹 and break that pattern once and for all, whether the others come around to believing me and supporting me or not.
Dear Ronnie. I'm so very sorry to hear that you also have experienced having your own children alienated because of your foo's actions-including your grandchildren.
Thank you Pamela. I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone. I held my grandson once. Attended Christmas once. A birthday party for him once. Visited once. Then when my daughter was pregnant with their second son. Sadly they lost him in childbirth. The last time I saw my oldest daughter, grandson, and third daughter was at the funeral for the baby. This is where just hours before my mom said she had been betraying me and talking badly about me for years to my daughters. I asked her why she would ruin my relationship with my children and I and she said “that’s just the way the world works”. She was baiting me to blow up at her at the funeral. I didn’t.
I’m considering writing a book and using that as the title…. 💔 I’m not sure what direction to take the book at the moment. Healing definitely is the underlying theme…. My heart and brain hurts right now. Watching your YouTube video recommended. ❤️ healing is definitely a process. I won’t let her for lack of better words “knock me off my square”. We’ve gone toe to toe physically, verbally, and socially. I’ve fought her so long I’ve seen her coming but not this. Blindsided because one wouldn’t think their own mom would stoop to that level of betrayal and manipulation. I respect that she’s my mother but she can be over there. 👉 going to sign off for the night. Need to decompress.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville., Yes Rebecca it was shocking and so sorry it happened to you. I couldn’t believe it when I read it in your book. It all clicked..I was actually in a state of shock to hear this truth but verified the insanity of it all and the system it came from. It is pathological projection!! It will actually be 5 years since my Mother has passed away on December 27th and my sister was at her worst bc all who was left in my family was her and me. When I realized that…I felt very trapped and alone. I knew I needed to not react to anything until I got my plane home. Internally I was very triggered. I had enough self help and inner child knowledge to get me home.
Hello Donna - Yes please bless us both and all who are able to relate. Who also doesn’t feel so alone…. It’s surreal to me how many of us there are. I’m grateful to have finally found a place where there are people I CAN relate with. It’s certainly not the best of situations but I am breathing a sigh of relief. Like a pressure valve is slowly being opened and the steam is releasing.
I had to log off last night because it was so much to process. I had to “close the valve” in fear that I might combust. Literally.
Due to the level of pain and headache I can only handle so much then …. shut down for lack of better words…. “Freeze” “dissociate”…. “Unplug” to maintain some sort of sanity.
Today…. I focused on my faith, self care, and what I am grateful for. The fact that I am still here is #1. There’s a reason. If I’ve ever faced walking through Christmas without my children (adult) and family. No decorations. Trigger me something awful right now. The thought of putting up a Christmas tree? I can’t even consider it.
One of my daughters flew up from Florida. Spoke with her this morning. Two more were there with her but unavailable to talk. (Didn’t want to talk to me.) The plan was to stop by today. She wants to. The other two out of all four don’t. It’s almost time for me to get into bed. I had said to her. No hurry or worries. I understand that you all have multiple places to go to. If you don’t make it. I understand. Well…. I understand…. that they won’t be stopping by. I understand they have their reasons and feelings. I don’t know what they are because they won’t speak with me. I’m not going to get myself all bent out of shape for something I know nothing about.
With that. I’m grateful and thankful for a quiet, safe, and peaceful Christmas. No drama. Triggers. Or negative gaslighting. A decompressing day that I even had the opportunity to take a nap! On Christmas!
I’m choosing to press the “Reset” button on Christmas because leading up to it and the day is full of bad memories and triggers everywhere.
I’m listening to Healing Trauma by Peter Levine. It’s a phenomenal book that I’m easing through right now. This trauma recovery is hard work. This book. I’m listening through bit by bit. Then will again and again because there are so many great layers to it. Talk about walking one through to the other side a trigger!!!! Whew! Even partially listening. Like dipping my toe in the water is good stuff. Then I have to shut it off because it becomes intense. I go back when I’m ready to face some more again. It’s definitely WORTH it because what has triggered me easily in the past has less intensity than it did before.
Peeling back those onion layers….
When I listen at times I’ll use color pencils and one of those pattern coloring books. To release the nervous energy or frustration or angst or ANGER…. It helps…. The finished product is nice too and feels productive after the somatic work.
There’s so much and I’m still learning this platform. I hope your holiday was ok.
I just have to keep choosing healthy “next right things” like going to bed now.
Tomorrow is a new day. The holiday will have past and life will move forward.
I can only control myself and no one else. Nor can I control what they, say, do, or how they act. If they wanted to they would. Like Mel Robbins says “Let Them”. Love her. She’s so fun.
I’ve been pouring my energy into moving an hour away from my daughter and 2 teenage grandchildren. ———I came to help them all get through a traumatic divorce with my son-in-law slowly dying of brain cancer. That was 8 years ago. As soon as I started to reveal some of the damage my Covert NM did to my life, my daughter declared no contact, and my grand children slowly disappeared from my life. Then my mother passed away at 95. And ironically she did not cut me out of her will and my inheritance is enabling me to move back to the beautiful rural area I came from. It’s going to be so great now not to have to worry about seeing them at Starbucks or the grocery store. I also have 2 sons who cut me out of their lives years ago.
My mother (who I didn’t see for about the last 3 years of her life) only left me in her will because her image was SO important—-and she claimed she treated her 3 children equally. 😂 —-but at least I have another opportunity to recreate myself yet again—in my mid 70s.
You are doing great with your self care —-keep up the good work ❤️🩹. And bravo to the Art therapy. I’ve been a selling artist since my early 30s. My mother used to call me her personal artist 😩. My work was in every room of her house. I was her marionette with her pulling all the strings and then she discarded me pregnant at 17 to my boyfriend’s alcoholic parents.
I have so many opportunities now to reconnect with old friends and spend so much time in Nature again.
I hope to help create a support group or get involved with the local domestic violence/abuse group who are extending their care to seniors now and elder abuse.
hey ronnie your post makes me cry - like everyone here you are totally AWESOME ! whata survivor and enjoy every thing the sky a fire..ahtever speaks to you abook..through the d sadbness..know we all have this struggle and so glad to be in safew space finally where i can hear storties like yours that make me feel safer telling my own too
Ronnie, I am SO sorry you are going through this outrageous intentional behaviour towards you all these years. It's unfathomable, isn't it ... but reality. Just yesterday, I also let my family go 100% forever. The scapegoating intentionality was far more severe and long-standing than I even knew. I don't have children or they would have got to them too. I am SO sorry the damage has been so extensive. You are here with so many who have walked your shoes. We will help you slowly find your way again. I too spent the holidays completely alone and felt so safe and peaceful, despite just letting my family go 24 hours ago, haaaaa. Sending my love to you. I am beside you in your pain. ♥️
I’m unpacking boxes at my new place. The photos of my daughter and grandkids over the last few years are not going back up on the fridge, only the one I took of them walking towards Yosemite Falls—before it all started to go bad —- again.——- I took them to Yosemite just after my son-in-law left the family for another therapist(with 3 young children and a PhD—-With his brain cancer.
It was such a painful time, and HSP me soaked up all the emotions for both of us. My daughter had a large cold sore on her lip and I sensed she was using laxatives again to lose weight fast, because she spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Her husband’s new girlfriend had just had $35,000 worth of body work done after she had given birth to her twins.
My granddaughter was so cute. She was 3 or 4 when we visited the Crocker Art Museum not long after our trip to Yosemite. She grabbed my hand and took me way down to another large room and pointed to the very large oil paintings done of Yosemite Valley in the 1800s.
Now she’s going to be 18 on New Year’s Eve day and I don’t know what to do because she’s been ghosting me for over a year. ( I have told no one in the family about my move. ) ?????
Very calming and needed affirmation Rebecca…at this time of year. Wishing you an amazing holiday season and thx so much for having this great group to come to.🎄💗
thank you so much rebecca and all the brave survivors .. i feel so connected in such short time to everyone here and im so blown away that i dont have to hide anymore - and THAT is exactly what AMily should be for ! so big hugs to all subscribers here im so graterful for you all
You're very welcome, Charli. I'll be focusing more on healing from FSA in 2025 now that I've established a foundation of posts explaining what FSA is, and its effects.
Unbelievable affirmation!! Yesterday (12/24/24), I let go of my extremely narcissistic parents and sister for good. 100% done. Absolutely untenable. Will not be their scapegoat ever again. Hard day and night. Awaking to this affirmation is like Rebecca is an angel watching over me, saying exactly what I need to hear. What SO many of us need to hear. 😇🙏♥️
Thank you for this article and affirmation. I hope Christmas is peaceful and joyous.
You're welcome, Lavada. May your Christmas be equally serene, joyous, and restorative!
Very useful to have the voice recording .I’d have not got around to reading it at this time.
I had fun doing it and plan to do more. May do some videos later next year as well, but in my surveys here on Substack that was not high up on my subscribers lists of 'wants', surprisingly.
😭🙏♥️ty
I'm so grateful for you, your words, your empathy, your understanding and encouragement... Many, many thanks for the lifesaving work you do, Rebecca.
You're very welcome. I am glad to help, and am grateful for all of my subscribers here and so was happy to offer this affirmation today to you all.
Merry Christmas & all the very best for a happy & healthy 2025. I look forward to listening to your voice recording a little later, we have our grandsons here. Thank you everything.
Merry Christmas, June, have a blessed holiday with your loved ones!
Rebecca, with heartfelt gratitude , I thank you for your wonderful affirmation and impactful article. Today there was heaviness on my heart , but your words of validation, compassion and of hope reaffirm why you have become a powerful voice in our lives. The truth you capture for us all, brings healing to our souls. Thank you for this generous and enormous gift and for being here.
Lovely to hear from you, JB. Thank you for your kind note of acknowledgment here. I'm glad my affirmation touched you and I hope it will continue to uplift you as you travel on toward possibility, hope, and healing.
This spoke to my heart. Thank you. Jenn H
Good to hear, Jennifer - and you're welcome!
Thank you! I really needed this today. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Glad you saw this affirmation today, Lois. Have a blessed and restorative holiday!
Thank you for this beautiful offering. It renewed my hope and optimism, and I can't thank you enough for that.
Wonderful to hear, Brooke, thank you for letting me know.
Thank you for recording the Affirmation.
Cleansing tears streamed down my face as I listened. I will listen again when I start to feel lonely or low again throughout the Christmas season.
This is the first one that I’ve chosen to stand my ground. Gone no contact with some including my mother whom I discovered some serious unpleasant behaviors that have been vicious and intentional. Jealous and ill intention to separate me from my adult children and grandson. My heart is heavy with grief.
The level of toxicity in my extended family and I being the black sheep. Not understanding where they were getting their information from. Then it hit me like a bus. My entire life my mom deflected her misgivings by telling tales of how awful I was. Exaggerated stories or all out lies.
The curtain is drawn back. My daughters are estranged. I sit back and see how the manipulation played out in her favor. When she flat out admitted it to me just before the funeral of my daughter’s second child (who she gave birth to and was deceased). She admitted everything and said that is the way the world works. I cut contact immediately after that.
My heart is…. devastated…. I removed myself from social media as I saw how she placed herself in my position.
I sit alone in the stillness of my own home. Grateful for the peace. Praying.
I have a long road to go and I’m beyond grateful for your presence.
My heart goes out to you especially this time of year. You are surely going through a lot, but u are in the right place for understanding and support. We understand greatly being the scapegoated child. I have begun to understand the dynamics of it all and we are not what they say we are. Lots of healing here. Take care🌅
Thank you Sally and you are 100% right! We are not who they say we are. It’s blown my mind that my own mother has been doing this to me for I don’t even know how long really. Realizing how many family members came up to me over the years that I had not seen. Who would say the most off the wall comments about me and my bad behavior…. As a youth, teen, and adult. Thinking WHERE, WHO, and WHAT? Then getting sidetracked because I was a single mother of four daughters. Who my mother has now turned against me so that she can be in their lives and not me. I saw a picture of them and her together and was shocked! She replaced me…. I stood there and looked blankly at the picture in disbelief.
My scapegoat narrative given to me by family is that I am "crazy" and "mentally ill" - courtesy of my mother, and now a cousin and sibling, and who knows who else. I have somehow "fooled" everyone regarding my being an internationally recognized and respected Family Systems expert. I'm the first woman in my family to ever get a graduate degree. I've done pretty well - for a crazy person (!) Be sure to watch my video on FSA and the scapegoat narrative here: https://youtu.be/nMCKjITib18
@Ronnie..I hear you when you say “how it’s blown your mind on how long it took to realize” bc I too experienced that. My father was the main scapegoated but hours after he passed sway in1999 my sister took over hours after his death. And it took until this summer after finding and reading Rebecca’s book and going to see her one more time /4000 miles away and experiencing a big episode 7 days later where I walked out and will never go back. It’s so unbelievable a parent can do that and siblings too to another family member. Sending support and care your way at this most difficult time. Heartbreaking regarding your daughters. Time and truth are the healers. There is a lot of resources here and healing. We all do understand where u are coming from. We are the truth tellers of our family. So glad u are here.
Your painful experience illustrates perfectly that FSA is indeed systemic. It might not be evident that this is so while a scapegoating parent is alive; but it will become quickly evident when one or more siblings continue on with the same old 'scapegoat narrative' that parent attached to you and promoted for decades once the parent becomes infirm or dies. Sorry this happened to you. I also know this one first hand and it is a truly shocking - and often traumatizing - discovery.
Hi Ronnie, cleansing tears from honest grief can be deeply healing. Listen to this affirmation whenever you feel moved to. I also want to say that what you wrote here was my experience as well. If you're a paid subscriber you can check into our Holiday chat as well here: https://substack.com/chat/2666152/post/df4add47-8ffc-44bc-9caf-4ec1000ba3fa
In my book, I liken this moment of awareness to the ending of the movie 'The Usual Suspects' - The entire false narrative is suddenly exposed and we see what really happened. "Not understanding where they were getting their information from. Then it hit me like a bus. My entire life my mom deflected her misgivings by telling tales of how awful I was. Exaggerated stories or all out lies." It is a hideous moment of understanding. A moment like no other. You are not alone.
Thank you Rebecca! I definitely will and when I am able to afford to purchase your book I will. I’m at the end of an LTE job and have been searching for work. An interview on 1/2. Hoping it works. I look forward to reading it. Thank you.
Here's my free online FSA quick start recovery guide, in case you missed it when I shared it in a recent post: https://bit.ly/3OCs7nw
Thank you! I’m going to get to work on this. Is it normal to physically feel drained and tired? It took everything in me to shower and get ready for the day. It’s not like anyone is coming over or I’m going anywhere…. Not hungry…. I have a call into my therapist for an emergency session after the holiday. I did get a call from my Uncle and Aunt asking if I received my Christmas cards from the family Christmas party. I said I had no desire to call and ask for them. They are the only Aunt and Uncle I would speak with. They said my mom was walking around telling everyone that “my daughter isn’t talking to me”. (Of course, be the victim as usual. I don’t care anymore. She can say whatever she wants and they can believe whatever they want. It doesn’t matter because no one calls me to talk. Keep it amongst themselves. I’m out.).
Flip flopping from looking forward to having past yuck pop up. Pushing away the yuck as much as I can. In the same I don’t want to push it down to only have it pop up again. I’d rather cry and release it. Let it run its course and let it GO…. Sorry for the rant….Im doing all I can to deal with this in the healthiest way possible.
Take a look at this article and see if you relate to any of it. If so, I would discuss with your therapist - and glad you have one. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/understanding-structural-dissociation
You are grieving perfectly, Ronnie. Keep trusting that you are doing your best and are grieving and processing as good as anyone can. If you can get through these initial days, you may be doing much better a few weeks from now. I had this awful, awful meeting with my parents 2 weeks ago. I lost an average of 3-5 hours of sleep per night in the 10 days around this meeting, then contracted a virus, of course. Never again. They were so ridiculous at the meeting - when you get some distance from it, it's comical. We are here to help you through the initial days and weeks and beyond. It is SO bleeping painful (and we are used to pain!!). Honour yourself and what you feel you need at any given moment. Be patient with yourself if your productivity goes way down. I totally, totally get how just having a shower and having clean teeth and clean hair and making a bed is a bleeping triumph!!! This is psychologic injury at it's worst. It's an injury darnit, and it will take time to get your feet under you again. We will help you heal in your own way and your own time. There is a whole other world out there!! One of freedom to be you and to redesign yourself and your life. We can help each other there. 🙏♥️
Throughout my life, no matter how I shined, or achieved or was successful, my mother seemed to succeed in bringing me back down to failing and being dependent on her emotionally, yet again, looking for the love that was never there. And she succeeded in convincing others that that’s where I really belong, that THAT was the real me, never able to quite measure up. And because the pattern started when I was so young, I was never able to completely break it. Now that she’s finally gone, I have a chance to finally heal ❤️🩹 and break that pattern once and for all, whether the others come around to believing me and supporting me or not.
Thank You for the beautiful affirmation Rebecca.
Dear Ronnie. I'm so very sorry to hear that you also have experienced having your own children alienated because of your foo's actions-including your grandchildren.
Wouldn't wish this devastation on anyone. Hugs.
Thank you Pamela. I’m grateful to know that I’m not alone. I held my grandson once. Attended Christmas once. A birthday party for him once. Visited once. Then when my daughter was pregnant with their second son. Sadly they lost him in childbirth. The last time I saw my oldest daughter, grandson, and third daughter was at the funeral for the baby. This is where just hours before my mom said she had been betraying me and talking badly about me for years to my daughters. I asked her why she would ruin my relationship with my children and I and she said “that’s just the way the world works”. She was baiting me to blow up at her at the funeral. I didn’t.
Amazing restraint, Ronnie. Well done.
I’m considering writing a book and using that as the title…. 💔 I’m not sure what direction to take the book at the moment. Healing definitely is the underlying theme…. My heart and brain hurts right now. Watching your YouTube video recommended. ❤️ healing is definitely a process. I won’t let her for lack of better words “knock me off my square”. We’ve gone toe to toe physically, verbally, and socially. I’ve fought her so long I’ve seen her coming but not this. Blindsided because one wouldn’t think their own mom would stoop to that level of betrayal and manipulation. I respect that she’s my mother but she can be over there. 👉 going to sign off for the night. Need to decompress.
@Rebecca C. Mandeville., Yes Rebecca it was shocking and so sorry it happened to you. I couldn’t believe it when I read it in your book. It all clicked..I was actually in a state of shock to hear this truth but verified the insanity of it all and the system it came from. It is pathological projection!! It will actually be 5 years since my Mother has passed away on December 27th and my sister was at her worst bc all who was left in my family was her and me. When I realized that…I felt very trapped and alone. I knew I needed to not react to anything until I got my plane home. Internally I was very triggered. I had enough self help and inner child knowledge to get me home.
Ronnie—-I connect So Much with your words and your story and you help me feel like I’m not so alone. Bless us both in our efforts to recover. ❤️🩹
Hello Donna - Yes please bless us both and all who are able to relate. Who also doesn’t feel so alone…. It’s surreal to me how many of us there are. I’m grateful to have finally found a place where there are people I CAN relate with. It’s certainly not the best of situations but I am breathing a sigh of relief. Like a pressure valve is slowly being opened and the steam is releasing.
I had to log off last night because it was so much to process. I had to “close the valve” in fear that I might combust. Literally.
Due to the level of pain and headache I can only handle so much then …. shut down for lack of better words…. “Freeze” “dissociate”…. “Unplug” to maintain some sort of sanity.
Today…. I focused on my faith, self care, and what I am grateful for. The fact that I am still here is #1. There’s a reason. If I’ve ever faced walking through Christmas without my children (adult) and family. No decorations. Trigger me something awful right now. The thought of putting up a Christmas tree? I can’t even consider it.
One of my daughters flew up from Florida. Spoke with her this morning. Two more were there with her but unavailable to talk. (Didn’t want to talk to me.) The plan was to stop by today. She wants to. The other two out of all four don’t. It’s almost time for me to get into bed. I had said to her. No hurry or worries. I understand that you all have multiple places to go to. If you don’t make it. I understand. Well…. I understand…. that they won’t be stopping by. I understand they have their reasons and feelings. I don’t know what they are because they won’t speak with me. I’m not going to get myself all bent out of shape for something I know nothing about.
With that. I’m grateful and thankful for a quiet, safe, and peaceful Christmas. No drama. Triggers. Or negative gaslighting. A decompressing day that I even had the opportunity to take a nap! On Christmas!
I’m choosing to press the “Reset” button on Christmas because leading up to it and the day is full of bad memories and triggers everywhere.
I’m listening to Healing Trauma by Peter Levine. It’s a phenomenal book that I’m easing through right now. This trauma recovery is hard work. This book. I’m listening through bit by bit. Then will again and again because there are so many great layers to it. Talk about walking one through to the other side a trigger!!!! Whew! Even partially listening. Like dipping my toe in the water is good stuff. Then I have to shut it off because it becomes intense. I go back when I’m ready to face some more again. It’s definitely WORTH it because what has triggered me easily in the past has less intensity than it did before.
Peeling back those onion layers….
When I listen at times I’ll use color pencils and one of those pattern coloring books. To release the nervous energy or frustration or angst or ANGER…. It helps…. The finished product is nice too and feels productive after the somatic work.
There’s so much and I’m still learning this platform. I hope your holiday was ok.
I just have to keep choosing healthy “next right things” like going to bed now.
Tomorrow is a new day. The holiday will have past and life will move forward.
I can only control myself and no one else. Nor can I control what they, say, do, or how they act. If they wanted to they would. Like Mel Robbins says “Let Them”. Love her. She’s so fun.
I hope you sleep good tonight!
R
Thank you for your communication, Ronnie.
I’ve been pouring my energy into moving an hour away from my daughter and 2 teenage grandchildren. ———I came to help them all get through a traumatic divorce with my son-in-law slowly dying of brain cancer. That was 8 years ago. As soon as I started to reveal some of the damage my Covert NM did to my life, my daughter declared no contact, and my grand children slowly disappeared from my life. Then my mother passed away at 95. And ironically she did not cut me out of her will and my inheritance is enabling me to move back to the beautiful rural area I came from. It’s going to be so great now not to have to worry about seeing them at Starbucks or the grocery store. I also have 2 sons who cut me out of their lives years ago.
My mother (who I didn’t see for about the last 3 years of her life) only left me in her will because her image was SO important—-and she claimed she treated her 3 children equally. 😂 —-but at least I have another opportunity to recreate myself yet again—in my mid 70s.
You are doing great with your self care —-keep up the good work ❤️🩹. And bravo to the Art therapy. I’ve been a selling artist since my early 30s. My mother used to call me her personal artist 😩. My work was in every room of her house. I was her marionette with her pulling all the strings and then she discarded me pregnant at 17 to my boyfriend’s alcoholic parents.
I have so many opportunities now to reconnect with old friends and spend so much time in Nature again.
I hope to help create a support group or get involved with the local domestic violence/abuse group who are extending their care to seniors now and elder abuse.
Now it’s my turn to get myself to bed 🛏️
Take care ❤️🩹.
hey ronnie your post makes me cry - like everyone here you are totally AWESOME ! whata survivor and enjoy every thing the sky a fire..ahtever speaks to you abook..through the d sadbness..know we all have this struggle and so glad to be in safew space finally where i can hear storties like yours that make me feel safer telling my own too
Ronnie, I am SO sorry you are going through this outrageous intentional behaviour towards you all these years. It's unfathomable, isn't it ... but reality. Just yesterday, I also let my family go 100% forever. The scapegoating intentionality was far more severe and long-standing than I even knew. I don't have children or they would have got to them too. I am SO sorry the damage has been so extensive. You are here with so many who have walked your shoes. We will help you slowly find your way again. I too spent the holidays completely alone and felt so safe and peaceful, despite just letting my family go 24 hours ago, haaaaa. Sending my love to you. I am beside you in your pain. ♥️
I’m unpacking boxes at my new place. The photos of my daughter and grandkids over the last few years are not going back up on the fridge, only the one I took of them walking towards Yosemite Falls—before it all started to go bad —- again.——- I took them to Yosemite just after my son-in-law left the family for another therapist(with 3 young children and a PhD—-With his brain cancer.
It was such a painful time, and HSP me soaked up all the emotions for both of us. My daughter had a large cold sore on her lip and I sensed she was using laxatives again to lose weight fast, because she spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Her husband’s new girlfriend had just had $35,000 worth of body work done after she had given birth to her twins.
My granddaughter was so cute. She was 3 or 4 when we visited the Crocker Art Museum not long after our trip to Yosemite. She grabbed my hand and took me way down to another large room and pointed to the very large oil paintings done of Yosemite Valley in the 1800s.
Now she’s going to be 18 on New Year’s Eve day and I don’t know what to do because she’s been ghosting me for over a year. ( I have told no one in the family about my move. ) ?????
Very calming and needed affirmation Rebecca…at this time of year. Wishing you an amazing holiday season and thx so much for having this great group to come to.🎄💗
Thank you, Sally - I wish for you the same, and glad you're here!
It's not like the first time I've heard your voice. Just as with your YouTube presence, you convey understanding, kindness, and compassion.
Thank you so very much for this amazing offering.
You're welcome, Pamela. I plan to do more audio recordings next year and hope one day to be able to offer videos again, but can't right now.
thank you so much rebecca and all the brave survivors .. i feel so connected in such short time to everyone here and im so blown away that i dont have to hide anymore - and THAT is exactly what AMily should be for ! so big hugs to all subscribers here im so graterful for you all
We are so grateful for you too, Mike! 😊
Thank you for this gift, Rebecca.
You're very welcome, Charli. I'll be focusing more on healing from FSA in 2025 now that I've established a foundation of posts explaining what FSA is, and its effects.
That would be amazing. 🤩
Unbelievable affirmation!! Yesterday (12/24/24), I let go of my extremely narcissistic parents and sister for good. 100% done. Absolutely untenable. Will not be their scapegoat ever again. Hard day and night. Awaking to this affirmation is like Rebecca is an angel watching over me, saying exactly what I need to hear. What SO many of us need to hear. 😇🙏♥️