Happens a lot. But because it is actually a self-protective unconscious defense mechanism, I avoid using term 'self-gaslighting' - It is catchy among 'influencers' who discuss such things - but highly inaccurate and lacks compassion for the self and one's traumatized 'survival parts'.
As always, thank you for your expertise and insightful words Rebecca! I really appreciate the clarity and depth of this piece, which arrived at the perfect time for me, as I'm wrestling with grief and anger over the losses from FSA. In general, I think that there can be a reflexive reaction from others outside the experience to counsel to forgive and forget and move on to one's "best life." Your words help ground and empower me to address the damage so I can actually heal and move forward. Thank you again!
You're welcome, Jeanne. I do include a chapter on 'Disenfranchised Grief' in my introductory book on FSA ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'); you can also watch my YouTube video on this same topic here: https://youtu.be/8iHfcWKsRis
Woooo-boy, being from California and particularly in places up and down coastal California, where people are continually drawn to reinvent, recover and heal themselves, we could mine this subject indefinitely. I won't even go into my experiences, but this tendency and the people who promulgate it can do SO much harm. Between the era of my birth and my place of birth, I've been fascinated by cult dynamics since I was an early adolescent and have studied this phenomenon as much out of caution, knowing my vulnerabilities, as anything else. Our dad, one uncle, and now myself and my two children are the only agnostics. Because even closer to home I saw how my mother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins and people in the church used Christianity as a crutch to rationalize and bypass all manner of serious trauma, mind****ing themselves and the people around them in the process. These are traps and are all distortions. It can get very, very weird, very fast indeed. Now that I'm in MA, the 'woo' factor is still around but not nearly to the same degree, countered with a lot of very smart people (which doesn't make them immune altogether) and a lot more critical thinking. I find myself really, really checking people out, taking a long time to get to know people, and observing over time if people or helping professionals align or can pass my 'acid test', so to speak, because I'm skeptical...and that's directly related to my experiences with this out west.
I’m from California originally so I know exactly what you’re talking about. Speaking of cult systems: You may have read in previous articles of mine that we have research within the field of Family Systems confirming the similarities between dysfunctional (including and especially narcissistic) family systems and cult systems. I have a YouTube video on this here: https://youtu.be/syjUNqa1lNc
Yes, 100%! I'm so glad you've addressed this subject, because it bears repeating again and again. Thanks for all of your work over the years, and for your consideration and thoughtfulness Rebecca <3
I know this topic by heart 💔. I had a friend/guru that had expertise in spiritual bypassing. I thought it was the answer to my problems. I can no longer tolerate it - it feels shaming 😮💨
Wow Rebecca!!! Great article. Bottom line for me is that I had to look at the ugly truth of it all before arriving where I'm at today. It took years of detours mostly caused by the empty words (like you describe in this post) from people who don't have a clue. It was re-traumatizing. It was beyond hard. I didn't think I would make it. I'm more solid now and building a life honouring my true self. My dear, your work catapulted my recovery to depths I didn't even know were possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your words saved my life.
This is humbling to hear and I thank you for letting me know how my FSA work has impacted you. Yes, our being encouraged as survivors to 'spiritual bypass' our experiences and pain by others does contribute to traumatic invalidation. I was at the word limit for this post but maybe I can squeeze that in there, as this is a very important point you bring up - implied in my article but not stated directly.
Rebecca, this is such an excellent article! A master piece for healing! Every sentence is SO very helpful, eye opening and life affirming to everyone who may be stuck trying to navigate the cesspool of FSA. One thing that really applied for me was the # 3. “Superficial Healing”. I ended up burying the major FSA attacks and betrayals as a way to survive it but as you write, it is like “painting over a crack in the wall instead of repairing the structural damage”.
Thank you again for all your comprehensive and very valuable information!
Yes Rebecca and the validation via your extensive knowledge, work, website and Substack community was HUGE. Validation was the first and most important step to be able to pull myself up again. I agree with what Fierce Goat noted, how being invalidated was re-traumatizing. One of my sisters nauseating sayings to others about the harm inflicted on me was "Time heals everything".
No worries Rebecca, your article does encompass the aspect of invalidation. The "spiritual by-passing" I did to myself was 'invalidating' to myself in order to please the FSA perpetrators. In this paragraph you address the way we are conditioned and invalidated...
"For FSA survivors, this can be particularly insidious. We've often been conditioned since early childhood to suppress our feelings, to prioritize others' needs over our own, and to avoid conflict at all costs. Spiritual bypassing can offer a seemingly legitimate way to continue these patterns under the guise of “compassion,” “unconditional acceptance," “enlightenment," or "positive (or loving) vibes."
I agree Rosalee, validation was key to my first tiny steps to recovery, this wonderful community following very closely behind, thank you everyone, I'm so grateful to be here !
Another excellent article. Thank you Rebecca. Before I left Sacramento I spent 2 years trying to make things work at UUSS—Universalist Unitarian Society of Sacramento. They honor all religions. How can anyone go wrong? They have been active for over 150 years. —-I started out with a very positive attitude but by the time I left, I had discovered so much hypocrisy and game playing—so much self sacrifice and inauthenticity. I think I’m finally done with organized religion. 🤷♀️
How very disappointing. Human systems tend to become very political, no matter what type of system - including churches. My grandfather reportedly experienced this. It was assumed he would be the next Bishop in Oregon in the Episcopal Church. One evening, he was working in his church alone and someone pushed him from behind very hard and he sustained a deep head injury and so the Bishop position went to 'someone else'. Yes, it can get that ugly.
OMG how horrible!!! Even sneaky physical aggression?—— I experienced passive aggression from the woman who was in charge the children’s religious education, especially when she learned about all my experience with children and art. At our initial meeting we talked about trauma and she admitted she had been in foster care as a child. But that was it. She never allowed herself to seem vulnerable again with me. And we had one miscommunication after another, even though her 3 children liked me a lot. There were so many hierarchy issues to deal with, so tedious and boring 🥱, but also frustrating.
I & I'm sure many others really are, Fierce Goat summed it up perfectly ! Being here has been life changing for me, it really has, I hope you're proud, very proud of yourself.❤️🙏
Thank you June, as I mentioned earlier I feel more humble than proud, all I did was try to make lemonade out of the lemons I'd been given via FSA. I'm glad so many people seem to like the lemonade I made! Guess that's better than kool-aid, ha!! 😆
It is some fair lemonade Rebecca ! 😊My words fail me often, I'm afraid, but this is such a uniquely, special place for us all & I'm so, so pleased that this benefits you too.
Rebecca, you make us feel like we are coming home to our healing when you so precisely shine a light on the depths processing and rebuilding take us. It’s been mentioned in my life to forgive (in this situation) sadly feels like self-sabotage . Self-compassion , kindness ,connection, support .These have helped. Sometimes I believe I’ve made great progress,other times,not much at all. Like riding a wave. I’m strengthened, but most times, it’s me living in the layers.
On this journey to better with you.
❤️Thank you for all the outstanding resources you bring to your community.
The non-denominational "church" where I met the abuser alcoholic father of my 1st child 30+ years ago ought to be called Church of Spiritual Bypass.
Filled with hurting, broken people, placed like this will always attract users/abusers/predators.
Almost always people who are attracted to places like this, or now it's proliferated
- metastasized - on various social media, will internalize that they have "failed" yet again at "healing." Or yes, find it a familiar exercise in putting forth a smiling face that hides their (still) unhealed trauma. And all the compensations and coping mechanisms continue, of course much of the time keeping them stuck and also vulnerable to the users/takers/abusers in such communities.
Looking back, since I was completely unsupported and lacking the kinds of meaningful insights that I have only gained in more recent years, the only thing I could do was exit such communities. When my spiritual flame began to gutter in familiar ways, I would exit, with a sense that I had somehow failed to integrate yet again.
Throughout my adult life I believed myself to be The Problem, thereby cementing that more of the same kinds of people would run their game on me.
The part of this piece that states that fsa survivors are afraid of conflict perplexingly brings an unending stream of it. Self compassion means understanding that this was never my fault-I'd never been valued, loved or protected. This and the low self worth it engendered meant continued "casting my pearls before swine" then believing the pigsh*t on me was my fault.
Learning about and trying to face and process (whatever exactly that means) often brings me to my knees. Feelings of such deep despair, of loss, Of continuing lack of "family" - those with who you share history, enjoy built in community. Facing the profound disconnection with myself.
FreshWings, so gut wrenching and especially when we believe or hope we are in a safe place like a church and it is anything but. I've faced a lot of hardships and challenges in life but none so demoralizing as dealing with FSA. But we can't lose hope. Each day allows for another chance for more healing, acceptance and some semblance of inner peace. Hugs.
Thank you Rosalee. Yes. I plod on, with the hard messy work. Coming to this group keeps it real, genuine. Provides for being seen heard validated. Even and perhaps most especially the hard messy stuff.
I'm learning to accept myself "as is." Even if it comes in bite sized moments, they can be built upon.
Then I try to balance that with living in here and now. Bc at almost 60, I'm trying to connect with what I like, what brings me happiness. What is accessible. And do that.
Especially after a life spent mostly not validating or attending to my own needs and wants, particularly bc of being so disconnected with myself. Reminds me! Had a dream once, where I slowly became invisible and people could not see me or hear me, even though I was there. Trying desperately to get their attention until I finally realized why. Oof.
Thank you for sharing such a raw, honest, and incredibly insightful comment. Your experience resonates deeply, and I appreciate you putting words to the insidious dynamics often found in communities that, despite good intentions, can become breeding grounds for the very pain they claim to heal. You've articulated a profound truth about "spiritual bypass" and how these spaces can attract predators who prey on vulnerability. It's heartbreaking to hear how you internalized the "failure to integrate" when, in reality, you were demonstrating immense self-preservation by exiting unhealthy environments. Your clarity now, looking back, is powerful.
Your point about believing yourself "The Problem" and the resulting cycle of encountering similar dynamics is a painful but crucial one. It speaks to the deep impact of unaddressed trauma and low self-worth, leading to what you so vividly describe as "casting your pearls before swine." The idea that facing this brings an "unending stream of conflict" while simultaneously fearing it is a paradox many survivors understand all too well. It's a testament to the ongoing battle for self-compassion and the courage it takes to recognize that it was never your fault.
The despair, loss, and profound disconnection you describe are very real and valid feelings on this journey. Finding "family" and built-in community, especially when your history has been marked by such profound lack, is a genuine yearning.
"Tripping and wandering and pinballing" is a perfect description of the non-linear, often disorienting path of healing. It's not a straight line, and it's okay to grope on. Your willingness to face these truths, even when it brings you to your knees, is a sign of incredible strength and resilience.
Yeah I'm a fount of raw. The despair, loss, and profound disconnection aren't all feelings. Despair, yes, and helplessness. Envy (at those who live lives of freedoms and abundances bc of privileges I've never experienced), frustration(bc I've never lacked desires or abilities just opportunities and support), grief. Despair and sadness bc willpower and working hard wasn't enough. Despair bc of experiences, of lived realities that have and still include loss, disconnection. Rejection, blame. Alienation. Estrangement. Poverty a constant condition despite exhausting hard work my entire life.
The saying that positivity builds on itself has a flip side: with the fight still left you keep kicking, hoping to make it out of the undertow.
This insight hit me like a ton of bricks. I was really the only religious person in my family--though my mother always encouraged it because it was an avenue to social acceptance. She herself has not belonged to a church in years, but harped and harped on my getting my children baptized and finding a church. She counted on my family to provide a place to have the Christian holidays, etc. For her, it's all about looking the right way in public. I have lost my Christian faith entirely in the past year, and it has helped my recovery immensely. I don't know that I'll ever go back to church. I used it as a safe space but emotional repression was so comfortable and natural for me I didn't even recognize that until now. Thank you so much. I was feeling very down on myself for losing my faith, but now I see that losing it and regaining something else is perhaps what is needed.
That last line here in your comment is very powerful, Kristen - Seems like an important thread to follow... Glad this post was impactful, I've been wanting to write it for a very long time. I see so much crap on social media that is ultimately all about spiritual bypassing - Someone had to say something, and I guess that someone would be me (!)
Wow Rebecca, the whole article… but this line in particular really hit me. “True transcendence, however, isn't about bypassing pain; it's about courageously engaging with it.”
Whew… courageously engaging.
Life is so scary sometimes and the only way out is through. Thanks for helping your readers strengthen our “courage muscles!”
I wrote an essay about my experience in having forgiveness forced upon me so the abuse could continue. So glad this is being talked about.
I completely believe that forgiveness is necessary to live a healthy life for myself, but having someone else tell you that you need to forgive and move on is not the way to go.
Yes, it adds to traumatic invalidation. I included my article on radical acceptance versus forgiveness (and one can embrace both). Hopefully you’ll have a moment to check that out. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Thank you for laying this out so clearly. FSA survivors really need to see this, but perhaps even more so, their well-meaning friends do also. Too often, friends/loved ones who are sympathetic and trying to be supportive unintentionally close off avenues of support by offering some of the platitudes you mentioned: “just forgive! You’ll feel better” “It’s just karma at work” “It’s a life lesson” or even another one, “try to understand it from their point of view.” These folks usually just want us to feel better, but don’t realize that this “comfort” offered can sound dismissive, actually close doors, end conversations, send the message that there is something wrong with us for not being “over it” yet, and encourage us to further silence ourselves and push our pain down deeper. It’s even worse when we tell ourselves these same things. There is no relief from FSA except by going on the full journey of understanding, awareness, grief, and rebuilding. Painful as the journey is, though, the ultimate rewards are fantastic.
Well said - Oh yes, the old “life lesson” comment. I will never forget one time when I was out with a transpersonal grad student colleague and his girlfriend. I had been subjected to some incredibly horrific abuse from my partner’s mother, who was Chinese and did not like the fact a white woman was dating her only son. I shared honestly with them what was going on - A big step for me back then, as I tended to keep these sorts of unpleasantries to myself (likely due to my early childhood FSA conditioning). When I was done, the girlfriend (who was some sort of New Age ‘healer’ and also Chinese) said, “Oh…I can tell you are not yet healed.” I WAS SO PISSED! I shut down immediately and never revealed myself like that again to anyone for quite a long time.
Oooooh, my. I could write a LOT about this. While it took me most of my life to figure many things out about “why this, or that or whatever,” overall, I did okay with it. There were certain areas I wasn’t familiar with and in looking around, found out about a spriritual counselor. THAT whole experience was the spiritual bypassing. AND the counseling was done in a very harsh way - similar to my FSA experience, which I didn’t yet know about. And, so I stuck with it for 3+ years, much of it being a repeat of FSA from family of origin, with new diminishments of me. Then, your book. OMIGOSH - I had slipped into even more abuse, not even realizing it. I did learn some things, but the price was very high, as I like to say. It took me nearly another 2 years to recover from the ‘counseling.’ I’ve used a lot of affirmations, phrases, pictures, since I was very young to bolster myself when I needed it, but not in a way of bypassing anything. I learned how to do THAT from the spiritual counselor. This experience, as you can imagine, has really affected my trust of ANYone. It’s nearly a miracle that I participate here, and as you recognize, do that with reservation. — thank you, Rebecca, for creating a venue, atmosphere that makes it easier for - speaking for myself - to do that in. 💖💞
You’re very welcome, LinMaree. I understand how profound the various relational traumas and betrayal traumas can be and why sharing in a group or a community can seem daunting or unappealing initially. As an FSA survivor myself, I remain ever-amazed by the increasingly vulnerable sharings in our private Chat space; it was my experience there that gave me the courage to start my personal reflections Substack, ‘The Inviolate Self’, and this has really expanded my sense of healing and integration. Community truly is a key to deep healing when it comes to family abuse - it’s just a matter of finding the ‘right’ community. I’m glad you’re starting to feel a sense of safety in sharing here.
This is incredible. Thank you so much for sharing this. 🤍
Thanks - and you’re welcome! This is public post so feel free to share on social media and restack here on Substack.
Thank you so much for this, I’m realizing I’m doing a lot spiritual bypassing and gaslighting myself
Happens a lot. But because it is actually a self-protective unconscious defense mechanism, I avoid using term 'self-gaslighting' - It is catchy among 'influencers' who discuss such things - but highly inaccurate and lacks compassion for the self and one's traumatized 'survival parts'.
As always, thank you for your expertise and insightful words Rebecca! I really appreciate the clarity and depth of this piece, which arrived at the perfect time for me, as I'm wrestling with grief and anger over the losses from FSA. In general, I think that there can be a reflexive reaction from others outside the experience to counsel to forgive and forget and move on to one's "best life." Your words help ground and empower me to address the damage so I can actually heal and move forward. Thank you again!
You're welcome, Jeanne. I do include a chapter on 'Disenfranchised Grief' in my introductory book on FSA ('Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'); you can also watch my YouTube video on this same topic here: https://youtu.be/8iHfcWKsRis
Woooo-boy, being from California and particularly in places up and down coastal California, where people are continually drawn to reinvent, recover and heal themselves, we could mine this subject indefinitely. I won't even go into my experiences, but this tendency and the people who promulgate it can do SO much harm. Between the era of my birth and my place of birth, I've been fascinated by cult dynamics since I was an early adolescent and have studied this phenomenon as much out of caution, knowing my vulnerabilities, as anything else. Our dad, one uncle, and now myself and my two children are the only agnostics. Because even closer to home I saw how my mother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins and people in the church used Christianity as a crutch to rationalize and bypass all manner of serious trauma, mind****ing themselves and the people around them in the process. These are traps and are all distortions. It can get very, very weird, very fast indeed. Now that I'm in MA, the 'woo' factor is still around but not nearly to the same degree, countered with a lot of very smart people (which doesn't make them immune altogether) and a lot more critical thinking. I find myself really, really checking people out, taking a long time to get to know people, and observing over time if people or helping professionals align or can pass my 'acid test', so to speak, because I'm skeptical...and that's directly related to my experiences with this out west.
I’m from California originally so I know exactly what you’re talking about. Speaking of cult systems: You may have read in previous articles of mine that we have research within the field of Family Systems confirming the similarities between dysfunctional (including and especially narcissistic) family systems and cult systems. I have a YouTube video on this here: https://youtu.be/syjUNqa1lNc
Yes, 100%! I'm so glad you've addressed this subject, because it bears repeating again and again. Thanks for all of your work over the years, and for your consideration and thoughtfulness Rebecca <3
You're so welcome, Leah!
Loved this article👌👌👌
I know this topic by heart 💔. I had a friend/guru that had expertise in spiritual bypassing. I thought it was the answer to my problems. I can no longer tolerate it - it feels shaming 😮💨
Yes - such a good point! I just added a link to my post on traumatic invalidation, which can tie into toxic shame.
Wow Rebecca!!! Great article. Bottom line for me is that I had to look at the ugly truth of it all before arriving where I'm at today. It took years of detours mostly caused by the empty words (like you describe in this post) from people who don't have a clue. It was re-traumatizing. It was beyond hard. I didn't think I would make it. I'm more solid now and building a life honouring my true self. My dear, your work catapulted my recovery to depths I didn't even know were possible. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Your words saved my life.
Fierce Goat, may I echo your final sentence, so beautifully put ? !!
This is humbling to hear and I thank you for letting me know how my FSA work has impacted you. Yes, our being encouraged as survivors to 'spiritual bypass' our experiences and pain by others does contribute to traumatic invalidation. I was at the word limit for this post but maybe I can squeeze that in there, as this is a very important point you bring up - implied in my article but not stated directly.
Rebecca, this is such an excellent article! A master piece for healing! Every sentence is SO very helpful, eye opening and life affirming to everyone who may be stuck trying to navigate the cesspool of FSA. One thing that really applied for me was the # 3. “Superficial Healing”. I ended up burying the major FSA attacks and betrayals as a way to survive it but as you write, it is like “painting over a crack in the wall instead of repairing the structural damage”.
Thank you again for all your comprehensive and very valuable information!
You're very welcome, Rosalee - Sounds like you have moved through some of this yourself and made it to the other side!
Yes Rebecca and the validation via your extensive knowledge, work, website and Substack community was HUGE. Validation was the first and most important step to be able to pull myself up again. I agree with what Fierce Goat noted, how being invalidated was re-traumatizing. One of my sisters nauseating sayings to others about the harm inflicted on me was "Time heals everything".
Ugh. I'll have to add that to this article when I get home!
No worries Rebecca, your article does encompass the aspect of invalidation. The "spiritual by-passing" I did to myself was 'invalidating' to myself in order to please the FSA perpetrators. In this paragraph you address the way we are conditioned and invalidated...
"For FSA survivors, this can be particularly insidious. We've often been conditioned since early childhood to suppress our feelings, to prioritize others' needs over our own, and to avoid conflict at all costs. Spiritual bypassing can offer a seemingly legitimate way to continue these patterns under the guise of “compassion,” “unconditional acceptance," “enlightenment," or "positive (or loving) vibes."
I agree Rosalee, validation was key to my first tiny steps to recovery, this wonderful community following very closely behind, thank you everyone, I'm so grateful to be here !
Yes dear June, same for me. 💞
❤️💐🙏Rosalee !
Another excellent article. Thank you Rebecca. Before I left Sacramento I spent 2 years trying to make things work at UUSS—Universalist Unitarian Society of Sacramento. They honor all religions. How can anyone go wrong? They have been active for over 150 years. —-I started out with a very positive attitude but by the time I left, I had discovered so much hypocrisy and game playing—so much self sacrifice and inauthenticity. I think I’m finally done with organized religion. 🤷♀️
How very disappointing. Human systems tend to become very political, no matter what type of system - including churches. My grandfather reportedly experienced this. It was assumed he would be the next Bishop in Oregon in the Episcopal Church. One evening, he was working in his church alone and someone pushed him from behind very hard and he sustained a deep head injury and so the Bishop position went to 'someone else'. Yes, it can get that ugly.
OMG how horrible!!! Even sneaky physical aggression?—— I experienced passive aggression from the woman who was in charge the children’s religious education, especially when she learned about all my experience with children and art. At our initial meeting we talked about trauma and she admitted she had been in foster care as a child. But that was it. She never allowed herself to seem vulnerable again with me. And we had one miscommunication after another, even though her 3 children liked me a lot. There were so many hierarchy issues to deal with, so tedious and boring 🥱, but also frustrating.
Wow, just wow Rebecca, you give us so much, thank you !
You're welcome, June! It's very rewarding for me because you're all so appreciative of my offerings here.
I & I'm sure many others really are, Fierce Goat summed it up perfectly ! Being here has been life changing for me, it really has, I hope you're proud, very proud of yourself.❤️🙏
Thank you June, as I mentioned earlier I feel more humble than proud, all I did was try to make lemonade out of the lemons I'd been given via FSA. I'm glad so many people seem to like the lemonade I made! Guess that's better than kool-aid, ha!! 😆
It is some fair lemonade Rebecca ! 😊My words fail me often, I'm afraid, but this is such a uniquely, special place for us all & I'm so, so pleased that this benefits you too.
Rebecca, you make us feel like we are coming home to our healing when you so precisely shine a light on the depths processing and rebuilding take us. It’s been mentioned in my life to forgive (in this situation) sadly feels like self-sabotage . Self-compassion , kindness ,connection, support .These have helped. Sometimes I believe I’ve made great progress,other times,not much at all. Like riding a wave. I’m strengthened, but most times, it’s me living in the layers.
On this journey to better with you.
❤️Thank you for all the outstanding resources you bring to your community.
You're welcome, JB, I truly am passionate about serving this community and give it everything I've got!
Yes you do! 💯
💯
Ms. R, you continue to deliver the words in the language of my internal dialogue.
Brilliantly validating…
Exceptionally relevant.
Aloha (loving) & mahalo (thank you)
Mahalo, Karla, thank you so much - I'm glad that this one felt validating to you!
Oh my goodness Karla, such wisely spoken words, sums up everything brilliantly. Mahalo.
Thank you, June 🌸💙
Difficult to pick a fan favorite but today it was really yum 🌸💙
100%
😋
The non-denominational "church" where I met the abuser alcoholic father of my 1st child 30+ years ago ought to be called Church of Spiritual Bypass.
Filled with hurting, broken people, placed like this will always attract users/abusers/predators.
Almost always people who are attracted to places like this, or now it's proliferated
- metastasized - on various social media, will internalize that they have "failed" yet again at "healing." Or yes, find it a familiar exercise in putting forth a smiling face that hides their (still) unhealed trauma. And all the compensations and coping mechanisms continue, of course much of the time keeping them stuck and also vulnerable to the users/takers/abusers in such communities.
Looking back, since I was completely unsupported and lacking the kinds of meaningful insights that I have only gained in more recent years, the only thing I could do was exit such communities. When my spiritual flame began to gutter in familiar ways, I would exit, with a sense that I had somehow failed to integrate yet again.
Throughout my adult life I believed myself to be The Problem, thereby cementing that more of the same kinds of people would run their game on me.
The part of this piece that states that fsa survivors are afraid of conflict perplexingly brings an unending stream of it. Self compassion means understanding that this was never my fault-I'd never been valued, loved or protected. This and the low self worth it engendered meant continued "casting my pearls before swine" then believing the pigsh*t on me was my fault.
Learning about and trying to face and process (whatever exactly that means) often brings me to my knees. Feelings of such deep despair, of loss, Of continuing lack of "family" - those with who you share history, enjoy built in community. Facing the profound disconnection with myself.
So I trip and wander and pinball. Groping on.
FreshWings, so gut wrenching and especially when we believe or hope we are in a safe place like a church and it is anything but. I've faced a lot of hardships and challenges in life but none so demoralizing as dealing with FSA. But we can't lose hope. Each day allows for another chance for more healing, acceptance and some semblance of inner peace. Hugs.
Thank you Rosalee. Yes. I plod on, with the hard messy work. Coming to this group keeps it real, genuine. Provides for being seen heard validated. Even and perhaps most especially the hard messy stuff.
I'm learning to accept myself "as is." Even if it comes in bite sized moments, they can be built upon.
Then I try to balance that with living in here and now. Bc at almost 60, I'm trying to connect with what I like, what brings me happiness. What is accessible. And do that.
Oh you said that so very well. Yes as we get older just finding things to do that brings some level of comfort or pleasure is important. 🙏
Especially after a life spent mostly not validating or attending to my own needs and wants, particularly bc of being so disconnected with myself. Reminds me! Had a dream once, where I slowly became invisible and people could not see me or hear me, even though I was there. Trying desperately to get their attention until I finally realized why. Oof.
Thank you for sharing such a raw, honest, and incredibly insightful comment. Your experience resonates deeply, and I appreciate you putting words to the insidious dynamics often found in communities that, despite good intentions, can become breeding grounds for the very pain they claim to heal. You've articulated a profound truth about "spiritual bypass" and how these spaces can attract predators who prey on vulnerability. It's heartbreaking to hear how you internalized the "failure to integrate" when, in reality, you were demonstrating immense self-preservation by exiting unhealthy environments. Your clarity now, looking back, is powerful.
Your point about believing yourself "The Problem" and the resulting cycle of encountering similar dynamics is a painful but crucial one. It speaks to the deep impact of unaddressed trauma and low self-worth, leading to what you so vividly describe as "casting your pearls before swine." The idea that facing this brings an "unending stream of conflict" while simultaneously fearing it is a paradox many survivors understand all too well. It's a testament to the ongoing battle for self-compassion and the courage it takes to recognize that it was never your fault.
The despair, loss, and profound disconnection you describe are very real and valid feelings on this journey. Finding "family" and built-in community, especially when your history has been marked by such profound lack, is a genuine yearning.
"Tripping and wandering and pinballing" is a perfect description of the non-linear, often disorienting path of healing. It's not a straight line, and it's okay to grope on. Your willingness to face these truths, even when it brings you to your knees, is a sign of incredible strength and resilience.
Yeah I'm a fount of raw. The despair, loss, and profound disconnection aren't all feelings. Despair, yes, and helplessness. Envy (at those who live lives of freedoms and abundances bc of privileges I've never experienced), frustration(bc I've never lacked desires or abilities just opportunities and support), grief. Despair and sadness bc willpower and working hard wasn't enough. Despair bc of experiences, of lived realities that have and still include loss, disconnection. Rejection, blame. Alienation. Estrangement. Poverty a constant condition despite exhausting hard work my entire life.
The saying that positivity builds on itself has a flip side: with the fight still left you keep kicking, hoping to make it out of the undertow.
Thank you for sharing these deeply moving feelings FreshWings. Sending hugs your way.❤️
This insight hit me like a ton of bricks. I was really the only religious person in my family--though my mother always encouraged it because it was an avenue to social acceptance. She herself has not belonged to a church in years, but harped and harped on my getting my children baptized and finding a church. She counted on my family to provide a place to have the Christian holidays, etc. For her, it's all about looking the right way in public. I have lost my Christian faith entirely in the past year, and it has helped my recovery immensely. I don't know that I'll ever go back to church. I used it as a safe space but emotional repression was so comfortable and natural for me I didn't even recognize that until now. Thank you so much. I was feeling very down on myself for losing my faith, but now I see that losing it and regaining something else is perhaps what is needed.
That last line here in your comment is very powerful, Kristen - Seems like an important thread to follow... Glad this post was impactful, I've been wanting to write it for a very long time. I see so much crap on social media that is ultimately all about spiritual bypassing - Someone had to say something, and I guess that someone would be me (!)
Wow Rebecca, the whole article… but this line in particular really hit me. “True transcendence, however, isn't about bypassing pain; it's about courageously engaging with it.”
Whew… courageously engaging.
Life is so scary sometimes and the only way out is through. Thanks for helping your readers strengthen our “courage muscles!”
You're welcome, Liz - I think this is a line from a Robert Frost poem here:
He says the best way out is always through.
And I agree to that, or in so far
As that I can see no way out but through –
https://thepoetryhour.com/poems/a-servant-to-servants/
I wrote an essay about my experience in having forgiveness forced upon me so the abuse could continue. So glad this is being talked about.
I completely believe that forgiveness is necessary to live a healthy life for myself, but having someone else tell you that you need to forgive and move on is not the way to go.
Yes, it adds to traumatic invalidation. I included my article on radical acceptance versus forgiveness (and one can embrace both). Hopefully you’ll have a moment to check that out. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
Thank you for laying this out so clearly. FSA survivors really need to see this, but perhaps even more so, their well-meaning friends do also. Too often, friends/loved ones who are sympathetic and trying to be supportive unintentionally close off avenues of support by offering some of the platitudes you mentioned: “just forgive! You’ll feel better” “It’s just karma at work” “It’s a life lesson” or even another one, “try to understand it from their point of view.” These folks usually just want us to feel better, but don’t realize that this “comfort” offered can sound dismissive, actually close doors, end conversations, send the message that there is something wrong with us for not being “over it” yet, and encourage us to further silence ourselves and push our pain down deeper. It’s even worse when we tell ourselves these same things. There is no relief from FSA except by going on the full journey of understanding, awareness, grief, and rebuilding. Painful as the journey is, though, the ultimate rewards are fantastic.
Well said - Oh yes, the old “life lesson” comment. I will never forget one time when I was out with a transpersonal grad student colleague and his girlfriend. I had been subjected to some incredibly horrific abuse from my partner’s mother, who was Chinese and did not like the fact a white woman was dating her only son. I shared honestly with them what was going on - A big step for me back then, as I tended to keep these sorts of unpleasantries to myself (likely due to my early childhood FSA conditioning). When I was done, the girlfriend (who was some sort of New Age ‘healer’ and also Chinese) said, “Oh…I can tell you are not yet healed.” I WAS SO PISSED! I shut down immediately and never revealed myself like that again to anyone for quite a long time.
Oooooh, my. I could write a LOT about this. While it took me most of my life to figure many things out about “why this, or that or whatever,” overall, I did okay with it. There were certain areas I wasn’t familiar with and in looking around, found out about a spriritual counselor. THAT whole experience was the spiritual bypassing. AND the counseling was done in a very harsh way - similar to my FSA experience, which I didn’t yet know about. And, so I stuck with it for 3+ years, much of it being a repeat of FSA from family of origin, with new diminishments of me. Then, your book. OMIGOSH - I had slipped into even more abuse, not even realizing it. I did learn some things, but the price was very high, as I like to say. It took me nearly another 2 years to recover from the ‘counseling.’ I’ve used a lot of affirmations, phrases, pictures, since I was very young to bolster myself when I needed it, but not in a way of bypassing anything. I learned how to do THAT from the spiritual counselor. This experience, as you can imagine, has really affected my trust of ANYone. It’s nearly a miracle that I participate here, and as you recognize, do that with reservation. — thank you, Rebecca, for creating a venue, atmosphere that makes it easier for - speaking for myself - to do that in. 💖💞
You’re very welcome, LinMaree. I understand how profound the various relational traumas and betrayal traumas can be and why sharing in a group or a community can seem daunting or unappealing initially. As an FSA survivor myself, I remain ever-amazed by the increasingly vulnerable sharings in our private Chat space; it was my experience there that gave me the courage to start my personal reflections Substack, ‘The Inviolate Self’, and this has really expanded my sense of healing and integration. Community truly is a key to deep healing when it comes to family abuse - it’s just a matter of finding the ‘right’ community. I’m glad you’re starting to feel a sense of safety in sharing here.