When Healing Takes a Detour: Understanding Spiritual Bypass in Family Scapegoating Abuse Recovery
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By Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP
The road to healing from Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) is often fraught with unexpected turns, and while spiritual practices can be a powerful balm, they can also, paradoxically, become an unintended, counter-productive detour. When navigating the complex terrain of FSA recovery, an authentic and lasting healing process requires facing, rather than sidestepping, the deep-seated impact of abuse and trauma.
Transpersonal Integration Versus ‘Spiritual Bypassing’
As a clinician specializing in Family Scapegoating Abuse—a term I coined—I approach healing from a transpersonal perspective. This means I help individuals integrate the spiritual and transcendent aspects of their experience, not as an escape, but as a path to profound inner growth and psycho-emotional / egoic development. My clinical focus makes me particularly aware of the dangers of ‘spiritual bypassing’: Using spiritual or religious ideas or practices to avoid confronting difficult emotions, unresolved trauma, or pressing psychological issues and concerns.
In the context of family scapegoating abuse, I've often seen how individuals, in their search for relief from deep relational wounds, might inadvertently use spiritual concepts to prematurely forgive, deny, or minimize the impact of the abuse. True transcendence, however, isn't about bypassing pain; it's about courageously engaging with it. A transpersonal approach insists that genuine spiritual evolution requires us to fully acknowledge and integrate all parts of ourselves, including our deepest wounds. For those recovering from scapegoat trauma, this means doing the vital work of processing, grieving, and integrating their experiences, transforming trauma into a catalyst for authentic well-being rather than using spirituality as a means to avoid it.
In their desire to experience healing and recovery, abuse survivors frequently seek solace and meaning in spirituality, hoping to transcend the psycho-emotional pain and find a path forward. However, it's crucial to recognize the subtle yet significant danger of spiritual bypassing — a defense mechanism where religious and/or spiritual beliefs or New Age practices are used to avoid dealing with unresolved emotional wounds, psychological issues, and critical developmental tasks.
This phenomenon is particularly prevalent on social media, where "good vibes only" mantras; instant manifestation claims (including manifesting your ‘perfect’ life or your own healing “in just 30 days!”); ‘ego’ transcendence or “death of the ego” (something I saw often when I served as Core Faculty at a transpersonal graduate institute); excessive (‘toxic’) positivity; pseudoscientific concepts like “quantum healing” (typically promoted via expensive online program packages); and platitudes about "Everything’s happening for a reason" or “It must be your karma” can easily mislead vulnerable individuals.
Far from being helpful, this constant stream of curated positivity or blatant dismissal of the reality - and possible meaning - of human suffering serves to dismiss or minimize legitimate pain; discourages authentic emotional processing; and ultimately hinders the deep, messy, and courageous work required for healing from any form of abuse and attendant trauma symptoms.
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What Exactly Is a 'Spiritual Bypass'?
‘Spiritual bypassing’ is a concept that might sound a little intimidating, but my hope is to shed light on it in a way that feels gentle and understanding, because recognizing it is the first step toward deeper, more authentic healing.
The term "spiritual bypass" was coined by psychologist John Welwood in the 1980s. Simply put, it's a tendency to use spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and personal shortcomings. Think of it like this: instead of truly feeling and processing difficult emotions, we might try to “rise above them” (transcend) them, bypass them, or even rationalize them away using spiritual language.
It's not about spirituality itself being harmful – far from it! Genuine spiritual practices can be powerful tools for growth and healing. Spiritual bypass, however, is when these practices are used as a defense mechanism. It’s like putting a beautiful, shiny spiritual band-aid over a deep wound that requires more fundamental care.
For FSA survivors, this can be particularly insidious. We've often been conditioned since early childhood to suppress our feelings, to prioritize others' needs over our own, and to avoid conflict at all costs. Spiritual bypassing can offer a seemingly legitimate way to continue these patterns under the guise of “compassion,” “unconditional acceptance," “enlightenment," or "positive (or loving) vibes."
Common Guises of Spiritual Bypass in FSA Recovery
How might spiritual bypass show up in the healing process of an FSA survivor? It can be subtle, and often comes from a place of wanting to feel better quickly.
"Just forgive and forget." While forgiveness can be a powerful part of healing, true forgiveness comes from a place of deep processing, not avoidance. When we jump to "just forgive" without acknowledging the profound harm inflicted by FSA, we can bypass the very real pain, anger, and grief that need to be felt, validated, and processed. This can often be reinforced by societal or religious pressures that prioritize "peace" over justice or accountability.
"Everything happens for a reason." While there might be spiritual philosophies around purpose and meaning, using this phrase to dismiss the egregious abuse you endured can be incredibly invalidating (refer to my post on traumatic invalidation). It can prevent you from truly acknowledging the injustice and the impact it had on your life, essentially discounting your experiences.
Excessive Positivity and "Good Vibes Only": While cultivating a positive mindset is beneficial, an extreme insistence on "good vibes only" can lead to suppressing legitimate feelings of anger, sadness, or frustration. For FSA survivors, who often grew up in environments where their negative emotions were punished, this can be a dangerous continuation of emotional suppression.
Premature Detachment: Sometimes, spiritual teachings on non-attachment can be misconstrued as an excuse to avoid healthy emotional connections or to prematurely detach from the pain of your past without fully processing it. True non-attachment often comes after healthy attachment and processing, not as a shortcut to bypass it.
"It's all about my karma/lessons." While personal growth involves learning from experiences, attributing all the abuse you suffered solely to your own "karma" can be a form of self-blame. It can prevent you from seeing the abuser's responsibility and the systemic nature of the abuse. It can also make you feel powerless, rather than empowered to set boundaries and protect yourself.
Ignoring Boundaries for "Unconditional Love": Many spiritual traditions emphasize unconditional love. However, spiritual bypass can lead to misinterpreting this as a need to tolerate continued abuse or disrespect, including from family members. Healthy boundaries are an act of self-love and self-preservation, not a lack of love.
How Spiritual Bypass Inhibits Authentic Healing and Recovery
When we engage in spiritual bypass, even unknowingly, we create roadblocks on our path to genuine healing.
Emotional Repression: The most significant impact is that spiritual bypass reinforces emotional repression. For FSA survivors, whose emotions were often invalidated or punished, this is particularly damaging. Unprocessed emotions don't disappear; they often manifest as physical symptoms, anxiety, depression, or difficulty forming healthy relationships.
Lack of Accountability: When we bypass our pain, we can also bypass the need for accountability – both from those who harmed us (even if it's just internal recognition) and within ourselves (e.g., recognizing patterns that keep us stuck). This can keep us locked in a cycle of subtle self-betrayal.
Superficial Healing: Spiritual bypass creates a superficial layer of healing. You might feel better temporarily via this false transcendence over your pain and trauma, but the core wounds remain unaddressed. This is like painting over a crack in a wall rather than repairing the structural damage.
Difficulty with Healthy Boundaries: True healing for FSA survivors involves establishing and maintaining strong boundaries. Spiritual bypassing can make it seem "unspiritual" or "unloving" to set these necessary limits, leaving you vulnerable to further exploitation or emotional drain.
Stagnation in Growth: Authentic spiritual growth requires confronting our shadows, vulnerabilities, and our part in painful interactions, including how we might be allowing manipulative or abusive behaviors directed toward us to continue. When we bypass these uncomfortable aspects, we stunt our genuine personal and spiritual development. We miss out on the profound wisdom that can emerge from facing our deepest fears and our deepest truths.
Reinforces the Scapegoat Narrative (Internally): The ‘scapegoat’ in human systems - including family systems - is often blamed for everything. If we then use spiritual concepts to justify continued abuse (such as, "It is my job to carry the burden of ancestral trauma - I’m strong enough to take it"), we are internally perpetuating the very narrative that harmed us. While some may call this “self gaslighting,” I propose a more compassionate view: That we are unconsciously defending ourselves against painful truths and having to make difficult decisions or go outside our comfort zone in order to seek help and support.
Moving Beyond Bypass: Embracing a Holistic Path to Healing
Recognizing spiritual bypassing is the first critical step in avoiding or changing this self-protective behavior. Now, how do we move towards a more holistic and authentic healing journey?
Acknowledge and Validate Your Pain: Your pain is real, valid, and deserves to be felt. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, to feel the profound sadness of what you endured. This is not about wallowing, but about honoring your experience. You might also explore the concept of radical acceptance as an alternative to “forgive and forget” (which, for abuse survivors, is not considered to be a trauma-informed approach).
Embrace All Your Emotions: All emotions serve a purpose. Learn to sit with discomfort, rather than immediately trying to dismiss it. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can provide a safe space to explore these feelings. I find great inspiration from Rumi’s poem The Guest House and enjoy sharing this piece with other FSA survivors.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot. Healing is not a linear process, and there will be ups and downs. Treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding you would offer a dear friend. Dr. Kristen Neff now has an online Mindful Self-Compassion Program you may want to check out (she also co-authored a workbook by the same name).
Integrate Mind, Body, and Spirit: True healing involves all aspects of yourself. Engage in practices that connect you to your body (e.g., gentle movement, yoga, dance, somatic therapy), your mind (e.g., journaling, cognitive reframing), and your spirit (in a way that feels authentic to you, whether it's creative expression, meditation, connecting with nature, or prayer).
Seek Informed Support: Find therapists, support groups, or online communities that understand the complexities of trauma and family abuse. Be wary of spaces that encourage bypassing or invalidate your experiences. Look for professionals who are trained in trauma-informed care and understand the dynamics of family scapegoating. They will ideally be accredited in some manner and also knowledgeable in the area of Family Systems.
Define Your Own Spirituality: Your spiritual path is unique to you. Don't let others' interpretations or dogmas dictate how you process your trauma. True spirituality often calls us to face and embrace our humanity, not to escape it.
Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries: This is crucial. Your healing requires protecting your energy and your peace. Learning to say "no," to limit contact with ‘toxic’ individuals, and to prioritize your well-being are spiritual acts of self-preservation.
A Final Thought
Healing from Family Scapegoating Abuse is a profound journey of rejecting the ‘scapegoat narrative’ and reclaiming your authentic self. It requires immense courage to look at difficult truths, to feel the uncomfortable feelings, and to dismantle the old narratives that kept you bound via ‘shaming and blaming’ dynamics. Spiritual bypass, while seemingly offering a quick escape, ultimately prolongs one’s true healing process.
By embracing all aspects of your experience – the pain, the anger, the joy, and the peace – you create space for a deeper, more sustainable, and truly transformative recovery. You deserve nothing less.
Have you ever been made to feel you should “rise above” the very real pain of Family Scapegoating Abuse? This post is public - your comments are public as well.
Mindful Self-Compassion Resource
Center For Mindful Self-Compassion (includes some free resources): https://centerformsc.org/
Recommended Reading
Welwood, J. (2000). Toward a Psychology of Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, and the Path of Personal Transformation. Shambhala Publications. (John Welwood coined the term "spiritual bypass".)
Mandeville, R.C. (2024). Radical Acceptance and Its Role In Family Scapegoating Abuse Recovery. (Rebecca C. Mandeville coined the term “Family Scapegoating Abuse” / FSA.)
As always, thank you for your expertise and insightful words Rebecca! I really appreciate the clarity and depth of this piece, which arrived at the perfect time for me, as I'm wrestling with grief and anger over the losses from FSA. In general, I think that there can be a reflexive reaction from others outside the experience to counsel to forgive and forget and move on to one's "best life." Your words help ground and empower me to address the damage so I can actually heal and move forward. Thank you again!
Woooo-boy, being from California and particularly in places up and down coastal California, where people are continually drawn to reinvent, recover and heal themselves, we could mine this subject indefinitely. I won't even go into my experiences, but this tendency and the people who promulgate it can do SO much harm. Between the era of my birth and my place of birth, I've been fascinated by cult dynamics since I was an early adolescent and have studied this phenomenon as much out of caution, knowing my vulnerabilities, as anything else. Our dad, one uncle, and now myself and my two children are the only agnostics. Because even closer to home I saw how my mother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins and people in the church used Christianity as a crutch to rationalize and bypass all manner of serious trauma, mind****ing themselves and the people around them in the process. These are traps and are all distortions. It can get very, very weird, very fast indeed. Now that I'm in MA, the 'woo' factor is still around but not nearly to the same degree, countered with a lot of very smart people (which doesn't make them immune altogether) and a lot more critical thinking. I find myself really, really checking people out, taking a long time to get to know people, and observing over time if people or helping professionals align or can pass my 'acid test', so to speak, because I'm skeptical...and that's directly related to my experiences with this out west.