You’re welcome, June. Given I know the country you reside in, I will say that I see this ESPECIALLY in your environs - the scapegoating can be brutal in such cases.
This post gets at the injustice built into scapegoating dynamics and the very real dehumanization of survivors. We are not supposed to be angry, sad, enraged, messy, depressed, grieving…or successful, brilliant, funny or attractive, either. Everything gets slotted into the preconceived construction of our “badness.” And yes, the injustice and dehumanization can come from mental health professionals. I was told at a first appointment with a therapist (who I had the good sense not to return to) after an hour unburdening myself, “I will will work with you but you need to know I don’t believe what you are telling me.” Verbatim. I felt the shock of trauma yet again, sitting across from an educated woman with years of experience. When my current therapist saw the woman at a conference a year later, she approached and told the woman that I was truthful and that what she had done was an ethical breach. Or some such thing. After being labeled psychotic, borderline, and bipolar (I am 63 and so my misdiagnoses parallel the evolution of trauma diagnoses), I was finally told I have complex trauma, or C-PTSD, and that diagnosis was the "Word that is God." By that I mean it held out hope of healing, rather than sticking me with a label that further dehumanized me. ~ I want to share something that was so helpful to me this week — reading that for people like us, our “reactions are the epicenter” of the response of our perpetrators and often of “the system” as well, rather than the trauma that instigated the reaction. It was followed with the question, “Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel” that we are dangerous, broken, irredeemable? What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back. ~ I know this is a long post, but I want to share that a few weeks ago, my scapegoating sister changed all the locks on the home of our father, who suffers from dementia and lives two miles from me. She did this so I cannot get in, but that means if he falls, I cannot get there. The excuse she gave is that since our mother died, I steal things…and interfere with his care (I feed him, play games, and take him to the carwash, which he loves). I share this because this is EXACTLY the kind of crazy stuff that people don’t believe…or that prompts them to say things like, “Well what did you do for her to do that?” The locks are both real and metaphoric. We are locked out family life, of helping, loving, being there. And it is not an exaggeration to say FSA is an injustice and a dehumanizer on par with other ways humans brutalize one another. Thank you for indulging this long comment and so much gratitude and respect to you, Rebecca, for your work, your compassion, and these posts, which I pass on to the family and friends who believe and have become educated and loving supporters with that awareness.
Hi Melanie Ess, I share your gratitude & respect for Rebecca's work ! I read your post with eyes wide open with respect & recognition, if I could write as eloquently as yourself, I could have pretty much written every word. Myself & my husband have been accused of stealing from my FOO before & after my parents deaths by my FOO at least half a dozen times. Once was when my mother had to go to hospital urgently & seriously ill with terminal cancer, of course myself & my husband took her to hospital, not the golden ones. She asked me to remove some incontinent pads from a bin as she didn't want her new partner to find them. I had to ask my sister-in-law for the key ... wife of the most golden one. I didn't tell her why I needed to key out of respect for my mother's privacy. It wasn't many days before the stealing accusation reached me. You couldn't make it up !
So sorry his happened to you, June. As I mentioned to Melanie, these types of “stealing” accusations - particularly as related to an infirm or deceased parent - are a validated aspect of the phenomenon of FSA, as per my original research. I discuss this in my video on Family Mobbing here: https://youtu.be/6gb_dDqWLiQ
Dear Melanie, Your post is riveting and really resonates. Especially this....“Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel”.....What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back."
This is what I have experienced. While I was bald, emaciated and very ill from chemo my eldest sister did not want to offer any compassion or support. I had my partner who served in the military but we lived separately and he had to be away at times. My sister needed to relieve her guilt and shame and uphold her self image of perfection so she devised a plan with another sister to phone the MH Crisis line and make up lies about my mental health. She claimed I had been "diagnosed with BPD" and was threatening suicide in every recent conversation she had with me and she wanted me assessed by a psychiatrist. For the record, I had never been diagnosed with BPD and had never even heard of BPD before. Plus I was never suicidal at all, and had never had any recent conversations with her either. The last time I had a brief phone call with her was 2 months prior. She was a retired RN and I had called to ask her for suggestions on dealing with daily profuse nosebleeds due to chemo. She did not wish to talk so I politely let her go. The chemo and steroids had caused insomnia so the cancer treatment doctors sent me to see "someone" for "help with sleep meds". It turned out the 'someone' was a psychiatrist. Unbeknownst to me my eldest sister then phoned this psychiatrist and made up a bunch more crazy lies. She even told the psych that the chemo effects of nausea, vertigo, etc were "bizarre" and "had ZERO basis". The psychiatrist then published onto my widespread medical records a 4 page report of defamation. She gave me labels of "Severe and Persistent Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Somatization Disorder" based solely on my sister's lies. I was then stripped of my autonomy and in shock and disbelief when I had an unneeded mutilating surgery forced on me. This was 15 years ago and since then I have been repeatedly denied health care services due to the psych labels. If I finally do get accepted for a test, ultrasound etc. I am treated with contempt and spoken to horribly. It took me 4 years to get my records and find out what went on. I sued my sister for defamation and she finally issued a legal retraction of her lies. But even with the legal retraction and strong supportive letters from my family doctor, plus another psychiatrist, my partner of 23 years, a long time neighbor and friends to dispute the defamation and lies, I still am living with this defamation on my records. I have lost 15 years fighting this and my health has declined to point I don't have much energy left to fight anymore. Finding Rebecca's work was life altering in knowing there is a name for this horrible abuse. To suffer alone in silence is a form of crazy making and although I am deeply saddened to know others have endured this FSA abuse it has been validating to realize I am not alone in dealing with this nightmare.
Dear Rosalee, I am reading this with tears in my eyes because so much of it sounds like what I have lived through and my heart is full – for you. I’m so terribly sorry that a person who was supposed to love you invested time and effort into harming you. there is nothing you could have done – or that I could have done – to warrant the bizarre and libelous things that have been done to us. I believe you and I know that you have suffered deeply. I know because your story is so much like mine. When I needed brain surgery, my sister told me that she wished I would stop calling it that because it was upsetting everyone. She suggested that I put up railings in my house to stop my constant falling, which was the result of Pronounced defect that needed to be corrected surgically. Without surgery I wouldn’t be able to work, but she wanted me to put up railings and take a couple of years off so that people wouldn’t be upset. These stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world – and yet we the survivors know they are true. I am your family. The healthy family, the family of sufferers who are doing all we can to heal. If you wish to contact me directly, I would welcome a message from you in my inbox. You are not alone, Rosalee. Reach out if you feel like doing so. Sending love and compassion.
Oh my goodness, me too. I had a heart attack at 51, some years after my folk died from cancer, not that they'd have cared. My parents-in-law didn't care at all, it was just a pain for them.
Dear Melanie, Thank you and bless you for your very kind and heart warming message! It was the first time I was brave enough to type more of the details and your post had given me the courage to do that. We certainly have similar situations with FSA, especially dealing with cruel FSA while also coping with our health issues. Yes - these stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world and there is this underlying feeling people always wonder what we did to bring this on. It seems someone that never endured this has a hard time to understand how it could be. Sometime I even wonder how this can possibly be for real, like why, and what did I do to deserve this. I am so very sorry you dealt with such cruelty when needing brain surgery. Brain surgery is such a major surgery. It is unfathomable your sister told you not to call the surgery brain surgery so as to not upset other people. My heart is full for you too Melanie and I send you so much love, compassion and empathy. Yes I would love to connect with you directly. I am still figuring out how Substack works and am not sure quite what I need to do on my end to be able to message you directly but will try. Thank you again, Sending best of wishes to you always. XO Rosalee
@<Rosalee So glad you’re feeling more comfortable sharing - I wanted to make sure you knew that is a public post so comments are public; sometimes people miss that part in the email or post.
Thank you for the heads up Rebecca, at first I wasn't sure if it was public but I realized I am not going to stay silent anymore so it didn't matter. I had no idea something like this could be carried out so covertly and I want to warn others. Yes it was very sadistic and the devil is in the details.
More of us need to start speaking up. I commend your courage and I’m heartened to see so many people contributing to the comments in today’s post - you included!
You can see why I intentionally added ‘abuse’ to my term ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA) when I chose to name this phenomenon via my original Family Systems research. It IS indeed abuse. At times quiet, subtle, and insidious. Other times, not so much. It is at times conscious and intentional. And intentional cruelty - even sadistic behaviors - can be involved. And society continues to stick their head in the sand and deny the reality of FSA. We must all work together to change that.
Rosalee— the other part of your story that I identify with is that my husband told everyone I had a borderline personality immediately, following the birth of our son, who was critically ill. As a result of his insane accusations, I was accused of Munchhausen by proxy, even though my son was diagnosed within half an hour of a C-section. Another crazy story but the truth is these are destructive injustices. They are brutality to our souls. I’ve written about it on my Substack – it’s not a fun story, but you might relate to some of it and there’s more there about some of what has helped me to stop reacting and instead to be outraged at their abuse. I’m very angry.
Oh my gosh Melanie how traumatizing that is after just giving birth and your baby is critically ill. It is horrific people get to use these fabricated destructive labels as weapons to invalidate and persecute others.
@Melanie Ess I think you are aware of this but just making sure you know this is a public post so your comments are public - just an FYI since you are sharing more sensitive data.
That is terrible, Rosalee! I have had clients in the past who had similar experience. One had this type of labeling happen at a trauma treatment center addressing chronic pain and addiction - Their chart was filled with flat out lies by the psychiatrist. My client wasn’t having it and got their chart changed after filing a complaint on the psychiatrist (this was not in the U.S., btw). It was yet another injustice and they chose to fight back - and won. But still, incredibly distressing and exhausting to go through.
Thanks for the shout out Rebecca! I really felt that part about invalidation at the hands of those who are not trained or knowledgeable in psycho-emotional abuse. Pisses me off every time.
I restacked with this but wanted to include in comments: Traumatic invalidation can leave us feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Reclaiming my narrative—naming and owning my truth—has been both empowering and ongoing, especially through writing. My recovery was shaped by decades of 12-step practice, inner work, education as an LCSW, and the fierce determination I had as a teenager to escape the control of my family and cult. While my journey has been miraculous, I believe Rebecca’s work could have shortened this long, solitary struggle.
For most of my life, my experience of being born and raised in a cult went unacknowledged, with the religious sect and its underlying dynamics and abuse remaining hidden until they were exposed in 2023. From an early age, I had to learn to trust myself and my intuition despite harmful conditioning—a difficult path driven by my need for freedom and truth. It is painful to see my story—and those of other victims—exploited at times, especially in light of the cult's recent exposure and the decades during which our voices have been silenced.
In early recovery, I discovered my role as the scapegoat. Although figures like John Bradshaw and Claudia Black identified dysfunctional family roles, they did not fully address the deep unconscious dynamics—such as projective identification and traumatic invalidation—that affected me. The mental health field often placed the healing burden on the “identified patient” without holding the system accountable for creating the pain even as they used a “systems theory approach.” This lack of research and recognition reinforced the scapegoating of FSA victims, as early addiction work focused primarily on supporting the golden child, which ultimately gave rise to the theory of codependency.
Discovering Rebecca's groundbreaking work on Substack validated my lifelong experience, my solitary journey of healing, and my decision to distance myself from my family. It helped me recognize the miracle of my survival. More recently, the exposure of the high-control religion I was raised in, alongside confronting the FSA dynamics and the loss of my parents, has opened a new level of grief that I know will continue to unfold.
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to my colleagues, @Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP and @Claire Pichel, LCSW, PMH-C for their invaluable insights and support.
Thank you again Rebecca for another profound article. I connected deeply with most every word. I can see now how both spiritual groups that I was involved with over the last few years were Not open to the idea of FSA even though they claim to be So Open to all people, religions and practices, etc. I also see how both therapists I went to were subtly always pressuring me to do More to help resolve my family’s issues than to having compassion for what I went through as a child, And was still going through at the time they were claiming to “help” me.
I wish you strength as you continue to deal with the negative push back you’re facing with Amazon and YouTube, etc.
Thank You Again for all you are doing in your efforts to enlighten this world 🌎.
You're welcome, Donna. Of course, I am always sorry to hear that anyone has had to endure these challenges and this type of invalidation, but I'm glad to know my FSA research and related content has been helpful in your recovery.
Sarah Jensen—thank you for liking my response. My Grandmother’s name was Sarah Jensen—-she was sweet and gentle and I have her very old sewing machine. I wrote and read a poem at her funeral— many years ago, and so did my young daughter. You must be Danish (or married to one ???)
Donna, blame the victim is pervasive. Society refuses to see the innocence because they need a scapegoat due to lack of evolved consciousness and refusal to grow.
The professional invalidation, which lasted from age 14 to 44, was the biggest barrier to my escape and healing from the dysfunctional family dynamics I experienced.
I struggle to untangle which challenges are autism related and which are C-PTSD. I don’t feel safe socially because it’s harder for me to pick up the social cues that would help me identify predators and their supporters. Most people see me as less than, but some also see me as worth using. Knowing the difference would help me navigate the world.
Your work has helped validate my experiences to other professionals, and thankfully I have a good therapist now who gets it. I hope that your work becomes more known, because I am far from alone in my experience of scapegoating in therapeutic settings.
It is slowly happening, Sarah. The peer-reviewed quantitative research on FSA that I am co-authoring in partnership with Dr. Balapala is a Quantum Leap forward in legitimizing this form of abuse internationally. Our first peer-reviewed FSA-related study will be published in the European Journal of Public Health Studies this year.
I am so looking forward to this publication Rebecca. I am going to try make one last attempt to have my medical records corrected of my sister's damaging lies and this upcoming publication will be immensely helpful in explaining how insidious and harmful this form of abuse is. To have mental health professionals invalidate you and take the side of the abuser who used DARVO is next level crazy making.
Not sure if you are in the U.S., Rosalee, but there is a chance Legal Aid can help, if so, and if they have an attorney who understands correcting medical records. At the very least, I believe here in the U.S. you can demand that a note be placed in your chart that refutes the labels attached to you. A defamation suit is also something those I know who this has happened to have considered. Legal Aid (in the United States): Find a lawyer and affordable legal aid: https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid
Bless you Rebecca, I so appreciate your efforts to help me. (I am in Canada) After I got my medical records I tried to have my sister retract her lies but she refused, hung up, and changed her email address and phone number. I had a very difficult time finding a lawyer to take the defamation case as lawyers also want nothing to do with anyone with that 'label'. I finally found one, filed a defamation suit and my sister finally issued a legal retraction. I have gone several routes including a complaint with the College of Physicians and the Office of Information and Privacy (OIPC) but had no luck. The lawyer at OIPC had told me if my sister issued a retraction it would be very helpful in getting my records corrected. But she told me I had to send a new letter to the psychiatrist to make the request again. When I did this, the psychiatrist's lawyer demanded the OPIC deem my second request "repetitive" and that they can ignore it. The psychiatrist's lawyer also requested I be banned from contacting the psychiatrist again. It turns out a psychiatrist can put any label they want on a person and can never be made to change their 'opinion'. In Canada the doctors are also provided with unlimited free legal expenses with taxpayer dollars so it is very difficult to find a lawyer to take on a medical case in Canada as the deck is so stacked against the patient. But I have found out the psychiatrist breached the 'Health Information Act' by taking information from my sister - without my knowledge or consent - so that gives me grounds for a new complaint to the College and your upcoming publication will be very helpful in describing the abuse, deceit and DARVO my sister inflicted. Thank you again!
Rebecca, your work on Family Scapegoating Abuse resonates deeply. I’ve lived it. The silence, the gaslighting, the way even naming the truth can trigger further rejection. Walking away wasn’t just about setting boundaries—it was about survival.
For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.
And yet, it’s not just the family that does this. As you’ve pointed out, the systems we turn to for support—mental health, society, even language itself—often reinforce the same invalidation. My experience navigating this as a nonbinary person in a strictly gendered language like German only made it clearer: the world is built to maintain its fictions.
What you’re doing—naming this abuse, pushing against the narratives that keep survivors trapped—is vital. The more we bring these patterns into the light, the less power they hold.
“For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.”
Stopping seeking validation is key Jay! Same here. Although it is pretty tricky to get there …I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing. So grateful.
Kelly, in saying, *"I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing,"* haven’t you just shifted the focus back to seeking validation?
I write because the words are in me. I hope they spark thought, reflection, or recognition in those who read them. Yet, I don’t write for approval, praise, or validation. I don’t need agreement to know my truth.
Of course, I feel joy when people truly connect with my words, engage, start a discussion, or even disagree—because I don’t need to be right. In fact, I hate being told I’m right. That puts me in a position of all-knowing authority, a kind of power-over dynamic that I reject.
Yes, I can feel appreciation. Yet appreciation is something entirely different from validation.
No. It’s different. It’s being seen. Not approval, praise, agreement, or validation. Very different. And I’m not seeking it. Being known is different than being validated. To be known and seen is truly profound. It is intimacy as in Into Me See. Valid question. 😆 Maybe validation is the wrong word…or not precisely the right word. But invalidation is.
Kelly, thank you for clarifying. It is so important that we are clear on our words and their meaning to avoid misunderstanding.
That distinction makes sense—being seen is not the same as seeking validation. Recognition, presence, and being known for who we are, without performance or pretense, is something else entirely.
Validation often carries an external measure—approval, agreement, a sense of being “right” in someone else’s eyes. Being seen, though, is about something deeper. It’s not about someone granting us permission to exist as we are; it’s about being witnessed in that existence without distortion.
And yes, *invalidation*—having our truth erased, ignored, or twisted—is what many of us have had to untangle. Maybe it’s not about seeking validation at all, but about unlearning the need to defend against invalidation. There’s a difference, and you just named it.
This is why I focus on 'radical acceptance' in working with FSA impacted clients - We cannot control or change the distorted narratives being promoted and imposed upon us - and we need not continue tilting at windmills in an attempt to set the record straight, which wastes valuable time and energy. Hard and painful realities to accept, but necessary. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in
Rebecca, yes—and sometimes, the only option left is leaving. I reached that point last year when I went on sick leave, effectively ending chronic traumatization. Six weeks after I stepped down, I felt a shift, and my therapist confirmed it: I was now post-traumatic, no longer in a constant trauma response.
I also let go of several long-standing social connections—acquaintanceships that had rarely been fulfilling and often carried subtle ostracization (which I only now recognize for what it was). And with the election results in Germany, a majority of my fellow citizens made it painfully clear that they believe “people like me” shouldn’t exist.
I have endured societal trauma since the age of three and only ever found solace while traveling. Now, I have had enough. As with work and acquaintances, I have decided to disengage—to extract myself from the abusive relationship I have had with my country for nearly 55 years. Enough is enough.
Not today, not tomorrow—but I will find a way to build a new life in a new country. Not to leave forever, and to return only to visit my brother and his family. Nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you, Jay. I so value your presence on my Substack, and I did restack your comment here and hope many will read it. Succinct, insightful, and valuable.
Thank you Rebecca for another very validating post. I am so very grateful you have taken on the difficult task to get your research and information out into the world to help other survivors of FSA. How I wish I had found your work sooner before my older sisters were able to inflict very damaging and permanent harm on me while I was enduring cancer treatment.
Thank you so much! Finding your work has been a light in so much darkness for so very long. I listen to something you say or read something you write and it's often the very thing I've tried in vain to explain to others for decades now. One thing I am working on recovering from, is finding out this past year, that the GC sibling who was (I had always thought) my best friend, has really taken on our narcissistic and emotionally abusive father's strategies for control. He died in 2012 and our relationship has turned into a kind of hell in the years since. I had no idea that behind my back, for years, she was working with two therapists who decided, without ever meeting me or talking with me, that I have BPD. She told this to everyone around her, mutual friends, my ex, even the nurses at the hopsital when our mom died in 2023. She would, just as my father did, take things I said entirely out of context even if I explained she hadn't understood me, or she would split after conflicts with someone else, that I could just be in the same room as - not causing any of it - and then within weeks I was somehow turned into the problem. She's literally black out things other people did and inserted me in the role of the problem. Even if in the moment of the original injury she would talk with me and say how upsetting the offender's behavior was, even at times reassuring me it had nothing to do with me. These are the ways she presented me to everyone including therapists, YT BPD "influencers" talking about BPD who she emailed and they were like "oh yeah....your sister has BPD!" She hid this from me for years as I felt more and more crazy.
I am hypervigiant after growing up in all this and somehow being the scapegoat in social dynamics as well and can pick up on the slightest incrongruency. And anytime I tried to call her out or stand up for myself (still unawares of all the stuff happening behind my back) I was then just MORE of the problem for being upset. I don't have BPD. The two core defining features of it are ironically apparent in the GC who has admittedly no sense of self and intense abandonment trauma. I do have CPTSD and circumstantial depression that comes up when put back in this dynamic and now crippling social anxiety. That huge anxiety at my core that the world isn't safe anymore. People aren't safe. No one cares. I've shrunk into a shell of the person I was before my father's death. I used to hop in the car and adventure by myself, exploring abandoned towns and hiking new trails without a second thought. I nearly had an anxiety attack a few weeks ago taking a new highway and not having cash for the toll.
And after moving my life to be closer to her to give our relationship a real chance after she seemed to have her "Come to Jesus" process around her part in all this last year, what do you think is happening now that the GC's partner has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer? Despite showing up in every way I can, I was labeled "making it all about me" when some of this trauma came back up for me (the way she treated me during my moms death was APPALLING) during the holidays and I asked if "she cared about my experience in this at all?" and we are right back where we were before: I'm the problem, she's the victim and now even more so as her partner is dying. I somehow become the target for her anger when her world is out of control. I can't take it anymore. I can't win for losing.
I'm considering moving BACK 2000 miles away again. She seems frustrated anytime all this trauma (it would take me days to write it all) comes up for me. She just wants it all to be behind us. She can't seem to accept, consistently, the damage she's caused and how it might affect me in moments. The impacts on my mental health have been extreme. She was supposed to be my best friend. The one person in the family who saw me for who I was and now our parents are gone and she's revealed how she has ACTUALLY viewed me for decades. It's so hard to talk about with anyone. People don't understand. I've grown so scared of therapists after this as well. She started seeing a new therapist recently and I feel absolute dread at what this will now result in...again.
This ruins lives. Thank you, Rebecca for this article and your work. It's a lifeline.
Hi Lara, so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand these dynamics first-hand - not just from my clinical work and research. I was shocked when the 'scapegoat narrative' came out of a sibling's mouth when my only living parent became infirm; yet now I realize that this false 'narrative' that I am "crazy," "selfish," "narcissistic," "a liar," etc, had been being shared about me behind my back for decades by several family members - nuclear and extended - courtesy of my mother, then a sibling and aunt and cousin (and who knows who else!). For some reason it hurt the most when I became aware of the sibling scapegoating. The betrayal felt very deep and was genuinely traumatic. This is one of the reasons I included a chapter on Betrayal Trauma in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), which I hope you have read - or will read soon. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a full comment and glad you're here.
Thank you, Rebecca! I that sibling betrayal cuts deep. The depth of which has shocked me as well. I appreciate the validation and the community you've created so very much. My GC sibling is the only family I have left. I'm 46 and single. I can't even fathom trying to find a relationship again as even simple relational dynamics at work or out in public fill me with panic. I am sure I will also be punished and blamed for trying to stand my ground amidst this latest process of loss, as I was my father's death and my mothers. It's so deeply isolating. So this new community means the world to me. Thank you. I have your book in my cart awaiting my next order. And am working through all your videos/available articles in the meantime. Love to you as well for all you've gone through and for the fact that you've chosen to taken that pain to support and educate others so they less alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you, Lara, it is deeply isolating indeed, and so I am very glad you found your way here to our community and my FSA offerings - and glad my book is in your cart now! Also Mosis left a reply for you, below.
I’m walking the same trek Ms. Lara - and it’s been decades of it and. It until age 59 that I have finally accepted it won’t get better and I won’t get better until I find other people like us to validate the abuse and help bridge the how to find our yellow brick roads - I only see two doors - back in a hole 🕳️ or find the yellow brick road - everyone’s is different but there are people who lift us up - not bring us down there are people who encourage and support not make us feel less than - there are people who know all about me and love me anyways - not make me feel worthless on a daily basis - I’m healing ❤️🩹 and finding others are too and there are many tools for us to discover on how to make that happen - Rebecca’s book REJECTED SHAMED and BLAMED helped me really understand the degree of dysfunction and abuse I had endured for way too long - but it’s all for some reason maybe one day I will understand - for now it’s enough that I’ve found the help I have - here and with couple of therapists - one EMDR and a internal family systems therapist who is helping me reparent - heal my inner children - shut down the inner critic and discern who is safe to befriend - all a very tall order - but given what we have been through anything is possible - including getting past the abuse to a place of peace and then helping another who may have suffered so they know they didn’t do anything wrong - their empathy and kind heart and forgiving nature was the narcissists favorite kind of person is all - it’s all in the light and there can be no more shame about any of it - we survived to have a better ending and I have hope we all will - namaste and many happier days ahead for us all - I look forward to more posts and updates on how you’re doing - Mo
Thank you, Mo for taking the time to reply and sharing some of your process as well. I like what you said "It's all in the light and there can be no more shame about it." It's definitely all in the light now, that she's revealed so much of this to me. Releasing the shame is the next process. It's hard. I find myself just checking out a lot just paralyzed by it all. She's all I have as far as family and I'm not partnered and now moving here I don't have many close friends. Ugh. I am looking for that yellow brick road and doing what I can each day to find it. I dream of picking up and just going to Santa Fe and sunshine and juniper trees. But then I realize I'm so alone and freeze. It's been so freaking hard. Before I learned the truth of all these things I had been in therapy for a really long time. But I didn't understand how this core relationship with her was really playing out. I'm now, due to relocating and numerous other factors, without insurance or regular income so as soon as I can get my feet back under me I'll be looking for a good family systems therapist for sure! Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. I hope your own footing, in a world filled with more love and peace gets only more strong day by day.
Thanks Lara for the encouragement and our journeys are similar in many ways - I have felt that paralysis as well as spinning like a top without a clear idea of which way to turn on so many levels - I likened it to being on a 🎠 merry go round and a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel 🎡 all at once and all I wanted was off the ride but that space for me can be silent and deafening - but I’m facing it as best I can - and with my moms passing I have been able to get some professional help and take a breath - I question of course if this is the right thing at this juncture - but still feel pretty clueless about what I need so I’m trying and that’s enough - healing is a process from what I’ve found and taking things 24 hrs a a time and breathing exercises and meditation and books - and this community all the has sparked a lot of processing and recovery ❤️🩹 but, I think it’s been most helpful knowing I’m not alone and so many others have suffered similarly oddly barbarically as I have that I can face it and grieve it and move forward taking the lessons and dropping the story (Pema Chodrun) I am sending you positive energy and thoughts to keep going! so your story is also a lesson and you’re free and find your yellow brick road - it’s possible with healing 🙏 Mo
Gabor Mate on utube is also fascinating on trauma and his book The Myth of Normal blew me away
Thank you for putting this information out there. It has been a long road to recovery with many facets to it. I used the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous, the Bible, 2 serious rounds of EMDR Therapy, a 25 to 50 minute morning meditation practice running on four years, and for the last three years wrote my way to freedom. My novel, fictionalized for the sake of entertainment and digestibility is currently being laid down in serial form here on Substack.
“Her inability to handle unresolved traumatic events was causing a splintering, a shattering, a loss of memory and a loss of self. She developed patterns of self-destruction, self-loathing and suicidal tendencies that ran in cycles under a veneer of self-sufficiency, defiance, and rebellion. She buried all her unpleasant memories and with them her authenticity and most of her power. They remained sealed underneath the ground, in psychic subway tunnels, where the only source of light came from the interior illumination of rattling trains, lurching and screeching forward to nowhere.”
Excerpt from:
CHAPTER ONE from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
The mind of God is an ever-expanding library of human books telling their stories night and day. Every person who lives—has ever lived—will ever live, speaking in unison. A symphony of individual voice, of experience, extravagant…harmonious…dissonant…beautiful. Were we to pause and listen, we would fall to our knees and weep under the weight of its glory.
—drawn from my vision “Stumbling into the Mind of God.”
It is both extremely validating and so very sad how many people can identify with what you’ve written. EMDR is helping and I’m so glad to be finding more and more resources for my wellbeing.
Glad you are discovering resources, Kris. As I state in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, my original research on FSA indicated that most survivors of this form of abuse are suffering from complex trauma and betrayal trauma symptoms, as well as attachment trauma, so one or more of these typically need to be addressed in FSA recovery.
"This is especially the case in ‘small town’ environments where the family is wealthy, well-known, well-connected, and/or highly regarded within their community for any number of reasons. Hence, the family member reporting abuse is ‘sacrificed’ to preserve the ‘status quo’, particularly by those who might personally benefit from the family’s largesse." I read so much of your work which resonates with my own life experiences but the above stood out for me today, this is me. Thank you. Posting again as I accidently deleted !
I restocked and Facebook posted with the following comment: Rebecca Mandeville‘s research will one day be among the most revered and quoted contributions of our age to human well being.
I am very moved by this, Caroline, thank you. It is indeed a unique field of study that can - and should - stand on its own. Grateful that interested clinicians, researchers, and students are now contacting me regarding conducting peer-reviewed research.
This is a popular thread and I did not hear back from you. Here was your kind offer and my reply:
Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP
3d
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
LIKED (3)
REPLY (1)
SHARE
Rachel Victorianna
Messages from the Mind of a Mys…
2d
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
At the risk of over-stepping I just dropped my new chapter THE SCAPEGOAT.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
Petra’s so-called memories, a tapestry of half-truths imposed upon her impressionable psyche, did not reflect reality. The tragic death of her baby sister, Anne, was too much for an undeveloped four-year-old brain to handle. The loss initiated a series of survival tactics causing her mind to splinter. She compartmentalized the overwhelming emotions by hiding them deep within the caverns of her subconscious. Her conscious mind, wiped clean, became incapable of accessing any legitimate memories of what had happened, or her involvement in it. As a result, she believed everything she was told, which, as it turns out, was very little and most of it lies. The story came out in bits and pieces over many years...
Hi Rachel, thank you for following up. In March I am adding ‘recommended reads’ from some of my subscribers and linking to their work in my March newsletter / round-up. Can you tell me what links to FSA-related posts / writings you’d like me to share? Just post the links here or you can direct message me, thanks!
While "the accident" happened when I was four-years-old, I feel the chapter speaks to on-going generational influences. It is helpful, for me at least, to know that none of this began with me. It has been passed down for generations with each family member playing out the role they were cast. Thank God there is a way to step up and out of the assigned character. Thank you for all you are doing to facilitate freedom from a devastating bondage.
Thank you so much, Rebecca! I’m so happy that you enjoy it. Pretty soon here, Petra is going to get into some real kick ass recovery with a lot of visions and insights and really fun stuff. She’s going to meet her younger selves in therapy and two strange and unexpected monsters in meditation. I hope you’ll stick with me. Your support means everything!❤️❤️❤️
I am never sure how they present to the reader. It's different on our end. We go directly to our pages without blocks to subscribe and whatever else gets in the way. I find it takes a couple steps for me to get on your homepage, for instance. Can you see what works best for you? Thank you...for caring.
You’re welcome, June. Given I know the country you reside in, I will say that I see this ESPECIALLY in your environs - the scapegoating can be brutal in such cases.
Thank you. The scapegoating was brutal, it's one the main reasons we moved over 500 miles away, that helped hugely, not having to see them.
This post gets at the injustice built into scapegoating dynamics and the very real dehumanization of survivors. We are not supposed to be angry, sad, enraged, messy, depressed, grieving…or successful, brilliant, funny or attractive, either. Everything gets slotted into the preconceived construction of our “badness.” And yes, the injustice and dehumanization can come from mental health professionals. I was told at a first appointment with a therapist (who I had the good sense not to return to) after an hour unburdening myself, “I will will work with you but you need to know I don’t believe what you are telling me.” Verbatim. I felt the shock of trauma yet again, sitting across from an educated woman with years of experience. When my current therapist saw the woman at a conference a year later, she approached and told the woman that I was truthful and that what she had done was an ethical breach. Or some such thing. After being labeled psychotic, borderline, and bipolar (I am 63 and so my misdiagnoses parallel the evolution of trauma diagnoses), I was finally told I have complex trauma, or C-PTSD, and that diagnosis was the "Word that is God." By that I mean it held out hope of healing, rather than sticking me with a label that further dehumanized me. ~ I want to share something that was so helpful to me this week — reading that for people like us, our “reactions are the epicenter” of the response of our perpetrators and often of “the system” as well, rather than the trauma that instigated the reaction. It was followed with the question, “Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel” that we are dangerous, broken, irredeemable? What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back. ~ I know this is a long post, but I want to share that a few weeks ago, my scapegoating sister changed all the locks on the home of our father, who suffers from dementia and lives two miles from me. She did this so I cannot get in, but that means if he falls, I cannot get there. The excuse she gave is that since our mother died, I steal things…and interfere with his care (I feed him, play games, and take him to the carwash, which he loves). I share this because this is EXACTLY the kind of crazy stuff that people don’t believe…or that prompts them to say things like, “Well what did you do for her to do that?” The locks are both real and metaphoric. We are locked out family life, of helping, loving, being there. And it is not an exaggeration to say FSA is an injustice and a dehumanizer on par with other ways humans brutalize one another. Thank you for indulging this long comment and so much gratitude and respect to you, Rebecca, for your work, your compassion, and these posts, which I pass on to the family and friends who believe and have become educated and loving supporters with that awareness.
Hi Melanie Ess, I share your gratitude & respect for Rebecca's work ! I read your post with eyes wide open with respect & recognition, if I could write as eloquently as yourself, I could have pretty much written every word. Myself & my husband have been accused of stealing from my FOO before & after my parents deaths by my FOO at least half a dozen times. Once was when my mother had to go to hospital urgently & seriously ill with terminal cancer, of course myself & my husband took her to hospital, not the golden ones. She asked me to remove some incontinent pads from a bin as she didn't want her new partner to find them. I had to ask my sister-in-law for the key ... wife of the most golden one. I didn't tell her why I needed to key out of respect for my mother's privacy. It wasn't many days before the stealing accusation reached me. You couldn't make it up !
So sorry his happened to you, June. As I mentioned to Melanie, these types of “stealing” accusations - particularly as related to an infirm or deceased parent - are a validated aspect of the phenomenon of FSA, as per my original research. I discuss this in my video on Family Mobbing here: https://youtu.be/6gb_dDqWLiQ
Dear Melanie, Your post is riveting and really resonates. Especially this....“Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel”.....What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back."
This is what I have experienced. While I was bald, emaciated and very ill from chemo my eldest sister did not want to offer any compassion or support. I had my partner who served in the military but we lived separately and he had to be away at times. My sister needed to relieve her guilt and shame and uphold her self image of perfection so she devised a plan with another sister to phone the MH Crisis line and make up lies about my mental health. She claimed I had been "diagnosed with BPD" and was threatening suicide in every recent conversation she had with me and she wanted me assessed by a psychiatrist. For the record, I had never been diagnosed with BPD and had never even heard of BPD before. Plus I was never suicidal at all, and had never had any recent conversations with her either. The last time I had a brief phone call with her was 2 months prior. She was a retired RN and I had called to ask her for suggestions on dealing with daily profuse nosebleeds due to chemo. She did not wish to talk so I politely let her go. The chemo and steroids had caused insomnia so the cancer treatment doctors sent me to see "someone" for "help with sleep meds". It turned out the 'someone' was a psychiatrist. Unbeknownst to me my eldest sister then phoned this psychiatrist and made up a bunch more crazy lies. She even told the psych that the chemo effects of nausea, vertigo, etc were "bizarre" and "had ZERO basis". The psychiatrist then published onto my widespread medical records a 4 page report of defamation. She gave me labels of "Severe and Persistent Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Somatization Disorder" based solely on my sister's lies. I was then stripped of my autonomy and in shock and disbelief when I had an unneeded mutilating surgery forced on me. This was 15 years ago and since then I have been repeatedly denied health care services due to the psych labels. If I finally do get accepted for a test, ultrasound etc. I am treated with contempt and spoken to horribly. It took me 4 years to get my records and find out what went on. I sued my sister for defamation and she finally issued a legal retraction of her lies. But even with the legal retraction and strong supportive letters from my family doctor, plus another psychiatrist, my partner of 23 years, a long time neighbor and friends to dispute the defamation and lies, I still am living with this defamation on my records. I have lost 15 years fighting this and my health has declined to point I don't have much energy left to fight anymore. Finding Rebecca's work was life altering in knowing there is a name for this horrible abuse. To suffer alone in silence is a form of crazy making and although I am deeply saddened to know others have endured this FSA abuse it has been validating to realize I am not alone in dealing with this nightmare.
Dear Rosalee, I am reading this with tears in my eyes because so much of it sounds like what I have lived through and my heart is full – for you. I’m so terribly sorry that a person who was supposed to love you invested time and effort into harming you. there is nothing you could have done – or that I could have done – to warrant the bizarre and libelous things that have been done to us. I believe you and I know that you have suffered deeply. I know because your story is so much like mine. When I needed brain surgery, my sister told me that she wished I would stop calling it that because it was upsetting everyone. She suggested that I put up railings in my house to stop my constant falling, which was the result of Pronounced defect that needed to be corrected surgically. Without surgery I wouldn’t be able to work, but she wanted me to put up railings and take a couple of years off so that people wouldn’t be upset. These stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world – and yet we the survivors know they are true. I am your family. The healthy family, the family of sufferers who are doing all we can to heal. If you wish to contact me directly, I would welcome a message from you in my inbox. You are not alone, Rosalee. Reach out if you feel like doing so. Sending love and compassion.
Oh my goodness, me too. I had a heart attack at 51, some years after my folk died from cancer, not that they'd have cared. My parents-in-law didn't care at all, it was just a pain for them.
Dear Melanie, Thank you and bless you for your very kind and heart warming message! It was the first time I was brave enough to type more of the details and your post had given me the courage to do that. We certainly have similar situations with FSA, especially dealing with cruel FSA while also coping with our health issues. Yes - these stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world and there is this underlying feeling people always wonder what we did to bring this on. It seems someone that never endured this has a hard time to understand how it could be. Sometime I even wonder how this can possibly be for real, like why, and what did I do to deserve this. I am so very sorry you dealt with such cruelty when needing brain surgery. Brain surgery is such a major surgery. It is unfathomable your sister told you not to call the surgery brain surgery so as to not upset other people. My heart is full for you too Melanie and I send you so much love, compassion and empathy. Yes I would love to connect with you directly. I am still figuring out how Substack works and am not sure quite what I need to do on my end to be able to message you directly but will try. Thank you again, Sending best of wishes to you always. XO Rosalee
@<Rosalee So glad you’re feeling more comfortable sharing - I wanted to make sure you knew that is a public post so comments are public; sometimes people miss that part in the email or post.
Thank you for the heads up Rebecca, at first I wasn't sure if it was public but I realized I am not going to stay silent anymore so it didn't matter. I had no idea something like this could be carried out so covertly and I want to warn others. Yes it was very sadistic and the devil is in the details.
More of us need to start speaking up. I commend your courage and I’m heartened to see so many people contributing to the comments in today’s post - you included!
You can see why I intentionally added ‘abuse’ to my term ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA) when I chose to name this phenomenon via my original Family Systems research. It IS indeed abuse. At times quiet, subtle, and insidious. Other times, not so much. It is at times conscious and intentional. And intentional cruelty - even sadistic behaviors - can be involved. And society continues to stick their head in the sand and deny the reality of FSA. We must all work together to change that.
Sadly Rosalee, you're not alone !
Rosalee— the other part of your story that I identify with is that my husband told everyone I had a borderline personality immediately, following the birth of our son, who was critically ill. As a result of his insane accusations, I was accused of Munchhausen by proxy, even though my son was diagnosed within half an hour of a C-section. Another crazy story but the truth is these are destructive injustices. They are brutality to our souls. I’ve written about it on my Substack – it’s not a fun story, but you might relate to some of it and there’s more there about some of what has helped me to stop reacting and instead to be outraged at their abuse. I’m very angry.
Oh my gosh Melanie how traumatizing that is after just giving birth and your baby is critically ill. It is horrific people get to use these fabricated destructive labels as weapons to invalidate and persecute others.
@Melanie Ess I think you are aware of this but just making sure you know this is a public post so your comments are public - just an FYI since you are sharing more sensitive data.
Yes – thank you. I am actually putting stuff out there because I am no longer willing to remain quiet. And because – honestly – I’m no longer afraid.
Seems to be a wave washing over many of us right now - loss of fear over sharing the truth of what happened to us in our families - and the aftermath.
Rosalee, I find this horrifying. Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s so bizarre what we endure.
That is terrible, Rosalee! I have had clients in the past who had similar experience. One had this type of labeling happen at a trauma treatment center addressing chronic pain and addiction - Their chart was filled with flat out lies by the psychiatrist. My client wasn’t having it and got their chart changed after filing a complaint on the psychiatrist (this was not in the U.S., btw). It was yet another injustice and they chose to fight back - and won. But still, incredibly distressing and exhausting to go through.
🎯🎯🎯
I appreciate this so much.
Melanie, thank you, and I did restack your comment here. I hope many take the time to read it.
Thanks for the shout out Rebecca! I really felt that part about invalidation at the hands of those who are not trained or knowledgeable in psycho-emotional abuse. Pisses me off every time.
As it should. Feel free to link your nervous system calm down videos here in the comments as well. Can’t remember if I included it in my post!
I restacked with this but wanted to include in comments: Traumatic invalidation can leave us feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Reclaiming my narrative—naming and owning my truth—has been both empowering and ongoing, especially through writing. My recovery was shaped by decades of 12-step practice, inner work, education as an LCSW, and the fierce determination I had as a teenager to escape the control of my family and cult. While my journey has been miraculous, I believe Rebecca’s work could have shortened this long, solitary struggle.
For most of my life, my experience of being born and raised in a cult went unacknowledged, with the religious sect and its underlying dynamics and abuse remaining hidden until they were exposed in 2023. From an early age, I had to learn to trust myself and my intuition despite harmful conditioning—a difficult path driven by my need for freedom and truth. It is painful to see my story—and those of other victims—exploited at times, especially in light of the cult's recent exposure and the decades during which our voices have been silenced.
In early recovery, I discovered my role as the scapegoat. Although figures like John Bradshaw and Claudia Black identified dysfunctional family roles, they did not fully address the deep unconscious dynamics—such as projective identification and traumatic invalidation—that affected me. The mental health field often placed the healing burden on the “identified patient” without holding the system accountable for creating the pain even as they used a “systems theory approach.” This lack of research and recognition reinforced the scapegoating of FSA victims, as early addiction work focused primarily on supporting the golden child, which ultimately gave rise to the theory of codependency.
Discovering Rebecca's groundbreaking work on Substack validated my lifelong experience, my solitary journey of healing, and my decision to distance myself from my family. It helped me recognize the miracle of my survival. More recently, the exposure of the high-control religion I was raised in, alongside confronting the FSA dynamics and the loss of my parents, has opened a new level of grief that I know will continue to unfold.
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to my colleagues, @Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP and @Claire Pichel, LCSW, PMH-C for their invaluable insights and support.
I’ve edited this somewhat on my restack so check it out.
Thank you again Rebecca for another profound article. I connected deeply with most every word. I can see now how both spiritual groups that I was involved with over the last few years were Not open to the idea of FSA even though they claim to be So Open to all people, religions and practices, etc. I also see how both therapists I went to were subtly always pressuring me to do More to help resolve my family’s issues than to having compassion for what I went through as a child, And was still going through at the time they were claiming to “help” me.
I wish you strength as you continue to deal with the negative push back you’re facing with Amazon and YouTube, etc.
Thank You Again for all you are doing in your efforts to enlighten this world 🌎.
You're welcome, Donna. Of course, I am always sorry to hear that anyone has had to endure these challenges and this type of invalidation, but I'm glad to know my FSA research and related content has been helpful in your recovery.
Sarah Jensen—thank you for liking my response. My Grandmother’s name was Sarah Jensen—-she was sweet and gentle and I have her very old sewing machine. I wrote and read a poem at her funeral— many years ago, and so did my young daughter. You must be Danish (or married to one ???)
Donna, blame the victim is pervasive. Society refuses to see the innocence because they need a scapegoat due to lack of evolved consciousness and refusal to grow.
The professional invalidation, which lasted from age 14 to 44, was the biggest barrier to my escape and healing from the dysfunctional family dynamics I experienced.
I struggle to untangle which challenges are autism related and which are C-PTSD. I don’t feel safe socially because it’s harder for me to pick up the social cues that would help me identify predators and their supporters. Most people see me as less than, but some also see me as worth using. Knowing the difference would help me navigate the world.
Your work has helped validate my experiences to other professionals, and thankfully I have a good therapist now who gets it. I hope that your work becomes more known, because I am far from alone in my experience of scapegoating in therapeutic settings.
It is slowly happening, Sarah. The peer-reviewed quantitative research on FSA that I am co-authoring in partnership with Dr. Balapala is a Quantum Leap forward in legitimizing this form of abuse internationally. Our first peer-reviewed FSA-related study will be published in the European Journal of Public Health Studies this year.
I am so looking forward to this publication Rebecca. I am going to try make one last attempt to have my medical records corrected of my sister's damaging lies and this upcoming publication will be immensely helpful in explaining how insidious and harmful this form of abuse is. To have mental health professionals invalidate you and take the side of the abuser who used DARVO is next level crazy making.
Not sure if you are in the U.S., Rosalee, but there is a chance Legal Aid can help, if so, and if they have an attorney who understands correcting medical records. At the very least, I believe here in the U.S. you can demand that a note be placed in your chart that refutes the labels attached to you. A defamation suit is also something those I know who this has happened to have considered. Legal Aid (in the United States): Find a lawyer and affordable legal aid: https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid
Bless you Rebecca, I so appreciate your efforts to help me. (I am in Canada) After I got my medical records I tried to have my sister retract her lies but she refused, hung up, and changed her email address and phone number. I had a very difficult time finding a lawyer to take the defamation case as lawyers also want nothing to do with anyone with that 'label'. I finally found one, filed a defamation suit and my sister finally issued a legal retraction. I have gone several routes including a complaint with the College of Physicians and the Office of Information and Privacy (OIPC) but had no luck. The lawyer at OIPC had told me if my sister issued a retraction it would be very helpful in getting my records corrected. But she told me I had to send a new letter to the psychiatrist to make the request again. When I did this, the psychiatrist's lawyer demanded the OPIC deem my second request "repetitive" and that they can ignore it. The psychiatrist's lawyer also requested I be banned from contacting the psychiatrist again. It turns out a psychiatrist can put any label they want on a person and can never be made to change their 'opinion'. In Canada the doctors are also provided with unlimited free legal expenses with taxpayer dollars so it is very difficult to find a lawyer to take on a medical case in Canada as the deck is so stacked against the patient. But I have found out the psychiatrist breached the 'Health Information Act' by taking information from my sister - without my knowledge or consent - so that gives me grounds for a new complaint to the College and your upcoming publication will be very helpful in describing the abuse, deceit and DARVO my sister inflicted. Thank you again!
Sarah the professional invalidation is horrific. Endemic. I can relate on the autism spectrum as well tho undiagnosed (haaa of course)
I totally relate to this. I hope you keep untangling the threads to find your way to the truth.
Rebecca, your work on Family Scapegoating Abuse resonates deeply. I’ve lived it. The silence, the gaslighting, the way even naming the truth can trigger further rejection. Walking away wasn’t just about setting boundaries—it was about survival.
For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.
And yet, it’s not just the family that does this. As you’ve pointed out, the systems we turn to for support—mental health, society, even language itself—often reinforce the same invalidation. My experience navigating this as a nonbinary person in a strictly gendered language like German only made it clearer: the world is built to maintain its fictions.
What you’re doing—naming this abuse, pushing against the narratives that keep survivors trapped—is vital. The more we bring these patterns into the light, the less power they hold.
“For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.”
Hard same. And just in the past few months, even.
Yes, this is common with so many of us FSA survivors, and was confirmed via my original research. If you haven’t yet read my article on FSA and ‘radical acceptance’, you can do so here: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in?utm_source=publication-search
Stopping seeking validation is key Jay! Same here. Although it is pretty tricky to get there …I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing. So grateful.
Kelly, in saying, *"I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing,"* haven’t you just shifted the focus back to seeking validation?
I write because the words are in me. I hope they spark thought, reflection, or recognition in those who read them. Yet, I don’t write for approval, praise, or validation. I don’t need agreement to know my truth.
Of course, I feel joy when people truly connect with my words, engage, start a discussion, or even disagree—because I don’t need to be right. In fact, I hate being told I’m right. That puts me in a position of all-knowing authority, a kind of power-over dynamic that I reject.
Yes, I can feel appreciation. Yet appreciation is something entirely different from validation.
No. It’s different. It’s being seen. Not approval, praise, agreement, or validation. Very different. And I’m not seeking it. Being known is different than being validated. To be known and seen is truly profound. It is intimacy as in Into Me See. Valid question. 😆 Maybe validation is the wrong word…or not precisely the right word. But invalidation is.
Kelly, thank you for clarifying. It is so important that we are clear on our words and their meaning to avoid misunderstanding.
That distinction makes sense—being seen is not the same as seeking validation. Recognition, presence, and being known for who we are, without performance or pretense, is something else entirely.
Validation often carries an external measure—approval, agreement, a sense of being “right” in someone else’s eyes. Being seen, though, is about something deeper. It’s not about someone granting us permission to exist as we are; it’s about being witnessed in that existence without distortion.
And yes, *invalidation*—having our truth erased, ignored, or twisted—is what many of us have had to untangle. Maybe it’s not about seeking validation at all, but about unlearning the need to defend against invalidation. There’s a difference, and you just named it.
Love this!
This is why I focus on 'radical acceptance' in working with FSA impacted clients - We cannot control or change the distorted narratives being promoted and imposed upon us - and we need not continue tilting at windmills in an attempt to set the record straight, which wastes valuable time and energy. Hard and painful realities to accept, but necessary. https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in
Rebecca, yes—and sometimes, the only option left is leaving. I reached that point last year when I went on sick leave, effectively ending chronic traumatization. Six weeks after I stepped down, I felt a shift, and my therapist confirmed it: I was now post-traumatic, no longer in a constant trauma response.
I also let go of several long-standing social connections—acquaintanceships that had rarely been fulfilling and often carried subtle ostracization (which I only now recognize for what it was). And with the election results in Germany, a majority of my fellow citizens made it painfully clear that they believe “people like me” shouldn’t exist.
I have endured societal trauma since the age of three and only ever found solace while traveling. Now, I have had enough. As with work and acquaintances, I have decided to disengage—to extract myself from the abusive relationship I have had with my country for nearly 55 years. Enough is enough.
Not today, not tomorrow—but I will find a way to build a new life in a new country. Not to leave forever, and to return only to visit my brother and his family. Nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you, Jay. I so value your presence on my Substack, and I did restack your comment here and hope many will read it. Succinct, insightful, and valuable.
Thank you Rebecca for another very validating post. I am so very grateful you have taken on the difficult task to get your research and information out into the world to help other survivors of FSA. How I wish I had found your work sooner before my older sisters were able to inflict very damaging and permanent harm on me while I was enduring cancer treatment.
You're welcome, Rosalee.
Thank you so much! Finding your work has been a light in so much darkness for so very long. I listen to something you say or read something you write and it's often the very thing I've tried in vain to explain to others for decades now. One thing I am working on recovering from, is finding out this past year, that the GC sibling who was (I had always thought) my best friend, has really taken on our narcissistic and emotionally abusive father's strategies for control. He died in 2012 and our relationship has turned into a kind of hell in the years since. I had no idea that behind my back, for years, she was working with two therapists who decided, without ever meeting me or talking with me, that I have BPD. She told this to everyone around her, mutual friends, my ex, even the nurses at the hopsital when our mom died in 2023. She would, just as my father did, take things I said entirely out of context even if I explained she hadn't understood me, or she would split after conflicts with someone else, that I could just be in the same room as - not causing any of it - and then within weeks I was somehow turned into the problem. She's literally black out things other people did and inserted me in the role of the problem. Even if in the moment of the original injury she would talk with me and say how upsetting the offender's behavior was, even at times reassuring me it had nothing to do with me. These are the ways she presented me to everyone including therapists, YT BPD "influencers" talking about BPD who she emailed and they were like "oh yeah....your sister has BPD!" She hid this from me for years as I felt more and more crazy.
I am hypervigiant after growing up in all this and somehow being the scapegoat in social dynamics as well and can pick up on the slightest incrongruency. And anytime I tried to call her out or stand up for myself (still unawares of all the stuff happening behind my back) I was then just MORE of the problem for being upset. I don't have BPD. The two core defining features of it are ironically apparent in the GC who has admittedly no sense of self and intense abandonment trauma. I do have CPTSD and circumstantial depression that comes up when put back in this dynamic and now crippling social anxiety. That huge anxiety at my core that the world isn't safe anymore. People aren't safe. No one cares. I've shrunk into a shell of the person I was before my father's death. I used to hop in the car and adventure by myself, exploring abandoned towns and hiking new trails without a second thought. I nearly had an anxiety attack a few weeks ago taking a new highway and not having cash for the toll.
And after moving my life to be closer to her to give our relationship a real chance after she seemed to have her "Come to Jesus" process around her part in all this last year, what do you think is happening now that the GC's partner has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer? Despite showing up in every way I can, I was labeled "making it all about me" when some of this trauma came back up for me (the way she treated me during my moms death was APPALLING) during the holidays and I asked if "she cared about my experience in this at all?" and we are right back where we were before: I'm the problem, she's the victim and now even more so as her partner is dying. I somehow become the target for her anger when her world is out of control. I can't take it anymore. I can't win for losing.
I'm considering moving BACK 2000 miles away again. She seems frustrated anytime all this trauma (it would take me days to write it all) comes up for me. She just wants it all to be behind us. She can't seem to accept, consistently, the damage she's caused and how it might affect me in moments. The impacts on my mental health have been extreme. She was supposed to be my best friend. The one person in the family who saw me for who I was and now our parents are gone and she's revealed how she has ACTUALLY viewed me for decades. It's so hard to talk about with anyone. People don't understand. I've grown so scared of therapists after this as well. She started seeing a new therapist recently and I feel absolute dread at what this will now result in...again.
This ruins lives. Thank you, Rebecca for this article and your work. It's a lifeline.
I understand Lara. Discovering their betrayals is devastating. What the REALLY think about us.
Indeed. It is devastating. I'm sorry you have gone through that as well. ❤️🩹
Hi Lara, so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand these dynamics first-hand - not just from my clinical work and research. I was shocked when the 'scapegoat narrative' came out of a sibling's mouth when my only living parent became infirm; yet now I realize that this false 'narrative' that I am "crazy," "selfish," "narcissistic," "a liar," etc, had been being shared about me behind my back for decades by several family members - nuclear and extended - courtesy of my mother, then a sibling and aunt and cousin (and who knows who else!). For some reason it hurt the most when I became aware of the sibling scapegoating. The betrayal felt very deep and was genuinely traumatic. This is one of the reasons I included a chapter on Betrayal Trauma in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), which I hope you have read - or will read soon. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a full comment and glad you're here.
Thank you, Rebecca! I that sibling betrayal cuts deep. The depth of which has shocked me as well. I appreciate the validation and the community you've created so very much. My GC sibling is the only family I have left. I'm 46 and single. I can't even fathom trying to find a relationship again as even simple relational dynamics at work or out in public fill me with panic. I am sure I will also be punished and blamed for trying to stand my ground amidst this latest process of loss, as I was my father's death and my mothers. It's so deeply isolating. So this new community means the world to me. Thank you. I have your book in my cart awaiting my next order. And am working through all your videos/available articles in the meantime. Love to you as well for all you've gone through and for the fact that you've chosen to taken that pain to support and educate others so they less alone. 🙏🏻
Thank you, Lara, it is deeply isolating indeed, and so I am very glad you found your way here to our community and my FSA offerings - and glad my book is in your cart now! Also Mosis left a reply for you, below.
I’m walking the same trek Ms. Lara - and it’s been decades of it and. It until age 59 that I have finally accepted it won’t get better and I won’t get better until I find other people like us to validate the abuse and help bridge the how to find our yellow brick roads - I only see two doors - back in a hole 🕳️ or find the yellow brick road - everyone’s is different but there are people who lift us up - not bring us down there are people who encourage and support not make us feel less than - there are people who know all about me and love me anyways - not make me feel worthless on a daily basis - I’m healing ❤️🩹 and finding others are too and there are many tools for us to discover on how to make that happen - Rebecca’s book REJECTED SHAMED and BLAMED helped me really understand the degree of dysfunction and abuse I had endured for way too long - but it’s all for some reason maybe one day I will understand - for now it’s enough that I’ve found the help I have - here and with couple of therapists - one EMDR and a internal family systems therapist who is helping me reparent - heal my inner children - shut down the inner critic and discern who is safe to befriend - all a very tall order - but given what we have been through anything is possible - including getting past the abuse to a place of peace and then helping another who may have suffered so they know they didn’t do anything wrong - their empathy and kind heart and forgiving nature was the narcissists favorite kind of person is all - it’s all in the light and there can be no more shame about any of it - we survived to have a better ending and I have hope we all will - namaste and many happier days ahead for us all - I look forward to more posts and updates on how you’re doing - Mo
Thank you, Mo for taking the time to reply and sharing some of your process as well. I like what you said "It's all in the light and there can be no more shame about it." It's definitely all in the light now, that she's revealed so much of this to me. Releasing the shame is the next process. It's hard. I find myself just checking out a lot just paralyzed by it all. She's all I have as far as family and I'm not partnered and now moving here I don't have many close friends. Ugh. I am looking for that yellow brick road and doing what I can each day to find it. I dream of picking up and just going to Santa Fe and sunshine and juniper trees. But then I realize I'm so alone and freeze. It's been so freaking hard. Before I learned the truth of all these things I had been in therapy for a really long time. But I didn't understand how this core relationship with her was really playing out. I'm now, due to relocating and numerous other factors, without insurance or regular income so as soon as I can get my feet back under me I'll be looking for a good family systems therapist for sure! Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. I hope your own footing, in a world filled with more love and peace gets only more strong day by day.
Thanks Lara for the encouragement and our journeys are similar in many ways - I have felt that paralysis as well as spinning like a top without a clear idea of which way to turn on so many levels - I likened it to being on a 🎠 merry go round and a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel 🎡 all at once and all I wanted was off the ride but that space for me can be silent and deafening - but I’m facing it as best I can - and with my moms passing I have been able to get some professional help and take a breath - I question of course if this is the right thing at this juncture - but still feel pretty clueless about what I need so I’m trying and that’s enough - healing is a process from what I’ve found and taking things 24 hrs a a time and breathing exercises and meditation and books - and this community all the has sparked a lot of processing and recovery ❤️🩹 but, I think it’s been most helpful knowing I’m not alone and so many others have suffered similarly oddly barbarically as I have that I can face it and grieve it and move forward taking the lessons and dropping the story (Pema Chodrun) I am sending you positive energy and thoughts to keep going! so your story is also a lesson and you’re free and find your yellow brick road - it’s possible with healing 🙏 Mo
Gabor Mate on utube is also fascinating on trauma and his book The Myth of Normal blew me away
Take good care of you - I am trying to too
Thank you for putting this information out there. It has been a long road to recovery with many facets to it. I used the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous, the Bible, 2 serious rounds of EMDR Therapy, a 25 to 50 minute morning meditation practice running on four years, and for the last three years wrote my way to freedom. My novel, fictionalized for the sake of entertainment and digestibility is currently being laid down in serial form here on Substack.
“Her inability to handle unresolved traumatic events was causing a splintering, a shattering, a loss of memory and a loss of self. She developed patterns of self-destruction, self-loathing and suicidal tendencies that ran in cycles under a veneer of self-sufficiency, defiance, and rebellion. She buried all her unpleasant memories and with them her authenticity and most of her power. They remained sealed underneath the ground, in psychic subway tunnels, where the only source of light came from the interior illumination of rattling trains, lurching and screeching forward to nowhere.”
Excerpt from:
CHAPTER ONE from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
So relate Rachel! 12 steps and writing for the win!
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
The mind of God is an ever-expanding library of human books telling their stories night and day. Every person who lives—has ever lived—will ever live, speaking in unison. A symphony of individual voice, of experience, extravagant…harmonious…dissonant…beautiful. Were we to pause and listen, we would fall to our knees and weep under the weight of its glory.
—drawn from my vision “Stumbling into the Mind of God.”
It is both extremely validating and so very sad how many people can identify with what you’ve written. EMDR is helping and I’m so glad to be finding more and more resources for my wellbeing.
Glad you are discovering resources, Kris. As I state in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, my original research on FSA indicated that most survivors of this form of abuse are suffering from complex trauma and betrayal trauma symptoms, as well as attachment trauma, so one or more of these typically need to be addressed in FSA recovery.
"This is especially the case in ‘small town’ environments where the family is wealthy, well-known, well-connected, and/or highly regarded within their community for any number of reasons. Hence, the family member reporting abuse is ‘sacrificed’ to preserve the ‘status quo’, particularly by those who might personally benefit from the family’s largesse." I read so much of your work which resonates with my own life experiences but the above stood out for me today, this is me. Thank you. Posting again as I accidently deleted !
I restocked and Facebook posted with the following comment: Rebecca Mandeville‘s research will one day be among the most revered and quoted contributions of our age to human well being.
I am very moved by this, Caroline, thank you. It is indeed a unique field of study that can - and should - stand on its own. Grateful that interested clinicians, researchers, and students are now contacting me regarding conducting peer-reviewed research.
Dear Rebecca, I'd just like to share my profound thanks. Your work is helping me recover. I am deeply grateful for that opportunity!
You're very welcome - and so good to hear, thanks for letting me know, Jeanne, and glad you're here on my Substack!
Hi Rebecca,
This is a popular thread and I did not hear back from you. Here was your kind offer and my reply:
Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP
3d
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
LIKED (3)
REPLY (1)
SHARE
Rachel Victorianna
Messages from the Mind of a Mys…
2d
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
At the risk of over-stepping I just dropped my new chapter THE SCAPEGOAT.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
Petra’s so-called memories, a tapestry of half-truths imposed upon her impressionable psyche, did not reflect reality. The tragic death of her baby sister, Anne, was too much for an undeveloped four-year-old brain to handle. The loss initiated a series of survival tactics causing her mind to splinter. She compartmentalized the overwhelming emotions by hiding them deep within the caverns of her subconscious. Her conscious mind, wiped clean, became incapable of accessing any legitimate memories of what had happened, or her involvement in it. As a result, she believed everything she was told, which, as it turns out, was very little and most of it lies. The story came out in bits and pieces over many years...
Rest of the chapter here:
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/p/the-scapegoat
Hi Rachel, thank you for following up. In March I am adding ‘recommended reads’ from some of my subscribers and linking to their work in my March newsletter / round-up. Can you tell me what links to FSA-related posts / writings you’d like me to share? Just post the links here or you can direct message me, thanks!
Thank you Rebecca,
Here is a link to my novel's tab:
CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/s/caught-up-truth-and-metaphor-an-imaginary
Here is a link to Chapter 16:
THE SCAPEGOAT
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/p/the-scapegoat
While "the accident" happened when I was four-years-old, I feel the chapter speaks to on-going generational influences. It is helpful, for me at least, to know that none of this began with me. It has been passed down for generations with each family member playing out the role they were cast. Thank God there is a way to step up and out of the assigned character. Thank you for all you are doing to facilitate freedom from a devastating bondage.
Hugs,
Rachel
Got it, thanks!
Rachel, I'll be linking my subscribers to your story tomorrow in my March Roundup - I loved it, thanks for letting me share it with others.
Thank you so much, Rebecca! I’m so happy that you enjoy it. Pretty soon here, Petra is going to get into some real kick ass recovery with a lot of visions and insights and really fun stuff. She’s going to meet her younger selves in therapy and two strange and unexpected monsters in meditation. I hope you’ll stick with me. Your support means everything!❤️❤️❤️
For sure - I’m engrossed in it now and need to start from Chapter 1!
PS - Rachel, how do I find Chapter 1 on your Substack? I can then make a note about this to my subscribers as well when I share your chapter tomorrow.
This is the direct link to Chapter One:
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/p/no-one-has-ever-told-them-that-they
This is the link to my webpage that has Chapter One pinned. It says, "Start the Journey here...
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/
And this is the link to my CAUGHT UP navigation tab for the novel with all the chapters currently available.
https://rachelvictorianna.substack.com/s/caught-up-truth-and-metaphor-an-imaginary
I am never sure how they present to the reader. It's different on our end. We go directly to our pages without blocks to subscribe and whatever else gets in the way. I find it takes a couple steps for me to get on your homepage, for instance. Can you see what works best for you? Thank you...for caring.
@Rachel Victorianna see my message above, forgot to tag you.