You’re welcome, June. Given I know the country you reside in, I will say that I see this ESPECIALLY in your environs - the scapegoating can be brutal in such cases.
This post gets at the injustice built into scapegoating dynamics and the very real dehumanization of survivors. We are not supposed to be angry, sad, enraged, messy, depressed, grieving…or successful, brilliant, funny or attractive, either. Everything gets slotted into the preconceived construction of our “badness.” And yes, the injustice and dehumanization can come from mental health professionals. I was told at a first appointment with a therapist (who I had the good sense not to return to) after an hour unburdening myself, “I will will work with you but you need to know I don’t believe what you are telling me.” Verbatim. I felt the shock of trauma yet again, sitting across from an educated woman with years of experience. When my current therapist saw the woman at a conference a year later, she approached and told the woman that I was truthful and that what she had done was an ethical breach. Or some such thing. After being labeled psychotic, borderline, and bipolar (I am 63 and so my misdiagnoses parallel the evolution of trauma diagnoses), I was finally told I have complex trauma, or C-PTSD, and that diagnosis was the "Word that is God." By that I mean it held out hope of healing, rather than sticking me with a label that further dehumanized me. ~ I want to share something that was so helpful to me this week — reading that for people like us, our “reactions are the epicenter” of the response of our perpetrators and often of “the system” as well, rather than the trauma that instigated the reaction. It was followed with the question, “Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel” that we are dangerous, broken, irredeemable? What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back. ~ I know this is a long post, but I want to share that a few weeks ago, my scapegoating sister changed all the locks on the home of our father, who suffers from dementia and lives two miles from me. She did this so I cannot get in, but that means if he falls, I cannot get there. The excuse she gave is that since our mother died, I steal things…and interfere with his care (I feed him, play games, and take him to the carwash, which he loves). I share this because this is EXACTLY the kind of crazy stuff that people don’t believe…or that prompts them to say things like, “Well what did you do for her to do that?” The locks are both real and metaphoric. We are locked out family life, of helping, loving, being there. And it is not an exaggeration to say FSA is an injustice and a dehumanizer on par with other ways humans brutalize one another. Thank you for indulging this long comment and so much gratitude and respect to you, Rebecca, for your work, your compassion, and these posts, which I pass on to the family and friends who believe and have become educated and loving supporters with that awareness.
Hi Melanie Ess, I share your gratitude & respect for Rebecca's work ! I read your post with eyes wide open with respect & recognition, if I could write as eloquently as yourself, I could have pretty much written every word. Myself & my husband have been accused of stealing from my FOO before & after my parents deaths by my FOO at least half a dozen times. Once was when my mother had to go to hospital urgently & seriously ill with terminal cancer, of course myself & my husband took her to hospital, not the golden ones. She asked me to remove some incontinent pads from a bin as she didn't want her new partner to find them. I had to ask my sister-in-law for the key ... wife of the most golden one. I didn't tell her why I needed to key out of respect for my mother's privacy. It wasn't many days before the stealing accusation reached me. You couldn't make it up !
So sorry his happened to you, June. As I mentioned to Melanie, these types of “stealing” accusations - particularly as related to an infirm or deceased parent - are a validated aspect of the phenomenon of FSA, as per my original research. I discuss this in my video on Family Mobbing here: https://youtu.be/6gb_dDqWLiQ
Dear Melanie, Your post is riveting and really resonates. Especially this....“Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel”.....What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back."
This is what I have experienced. While I was bald, emaciated and very ill from chemo my eldest sister did not want to offer any compassion or support. I had my partner who served in the military but we lived separately and he had to be away at times. My sister needed to relieve her guilt and shame and uphold her self image of perfection so she devised a plan with another sister to phone the MH Crisis line and make up lies about my mental health. She claimed I had been "diagnosed with BPD" and was threatening suicide in every recent conversation she had with me and she wanted me assessed by a psychiatrist. For the record, I had never been diagnosed with BPD and had never even heard of BPD before. Plus I was never suicidal at all, and had never had any recent conversations with her either. The last time I had a brief phone call with her was 2 months prior. She was a retired RN and I had called to ask her for suggestions on dealing with daily profuse nosebleeds due to chemo. She did not wish to talk so I politely let her go. The chemo and steroids had caused insomnia so the cancer treatment doctors sent me to see "someone" for "help with sleep meds". It turned out the 'someone' was a psychiatrist. Unbeknownst to me my eldest sister then phoned this psychiatrist and made up a bunch more crazy lies. She even told the psych that the chemo effects of nausea, vertigo, etc were "bizarre" and "had ZERO basis". The psychiatrist then published onto my widespread medical records a 4 page report of defamation. She gave me labels of "Severe and Persistent Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Somatization Disorder" based solely on my sister's lies. I was then stripped of my autonomy and in shock and disbelief when I had an unneeded mutilating surgery forced on me. This was 15 years ago and since then I have been repeatedly denied health care services due to the psych labels. If I finally do get accepted for a test, ultrasound etc. I am treated with contempt and spoken to horribly. It took me 4 years to get my records and find out what went on. I sued my sister for defamation and she finally issued a legal retraction of her lies. But even with the legal retraction and strong supportive letters from my family doctor, plus another psychiatrist, my partner of 23 years, a long time neighbor and friends to dispute the defamation and lies, I still am living with this defamation on my records. I have lost 15 years fighting this and my health has declined to point I don't have much energy left to fight anymore. Finding Rebecca's work was life altering in knowing there is a name for this horrible abuse. To suffer alone in silence is a form of crazy making and although I am deeply saddened to know others have endured this FSA abuse it has been validating to realize I am not alone in dealing with this nightmare.
Dear Rosalee, I am reading this with tears in my eyes because so much of it sounds like what I have lived through and my heart is full – for you. I’m so terribly sorry that a person who was supposed to love you invested time and effort into harming you. there is nothing you could have done – or that I could have done – to warrant the bizarre and libelous things that have been done to us. I believe you and I know that you have suffered deeply. I know because your story is so much like mine. When I needed brain surgery, my sister told me that she wished I would stop calling it that because it was upsetting everyone. She suggested that I put up railings in my house to stop my constant falling, which was the result of Pronounced defect that needed to be corrected surgically. Without surgery I wouldn’t be able to work, but she wanted me to put up railings and take a couple of years off so that people wouldn’t be upset. These stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world – and yet we the survivors know they are true. I am your family. The healthy family, the family of sufferers who are doing all we can to heal. If you wish to contact me directly, I would welcome a message from you in my inbox. You are not alone, Rosalee. Reach out if you feel like doing so. Sending love and compassion.
Oh my goodness, me too. I had a heart attack at 51, some years after my folk died from cancer, not that they'd have cared. My parents-in-law didn't care at all, it was just a pain for them.
Dear Melanie, Thank you and bless you for your very kind and heart warming message! It was the first time I was brave enough to type more of the details and your post had given me the courage to do that. We certainly have similar situations with FSA, especially dealing with cruel FSA while also coping with our health issues. Yes - these stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world and there is this underlying feeling people always wonder what we did to bring this on. It seems someone that never endured this has a hard time to understand how it could be. Sometime I even wonder how this can possibly be for real, like why, and what did I do to deserve this. I am so very sorry you dealt with such cruelty when needing brain surgery. Brain surgery is such a major surgery. It is unfathomable your sister told you not to call the surgery brain surgery so as to not upset other people. My heart is full for you too Melanie and I send you so much love, compassion and empathy. Yes I would love to connect with you directly. I am still figuring out how Substack works and am not sure quite what I need to do on my end to be able to message you directly but will try. Thank you again, Sending best of wishes to you always. XO Rosalee
@<Rosalee So glad you’re feeling more comfortable sharing - I wanted to make sure you knew that is a public post so comments are public; sometimes people miss that part in the email or post.
Thank you for the heads up Rebecca, at first I wasn't sure if it was public but I realized I am not going to stay silent anymore so it didn't matter. I had no idea something like this could be carried out so covertly and I want to warn others. Yes it was very sadistic and the devil is in the details.
More of us need to start speaking up. I commend your courage and I’m heartened to see so many people contributing to the comments in today’s post - you included!
You can see why I intentionally added ‘abuse’ to my term ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA) when I chose to name this phenomenon via my original Family Systems research. It IS indeed abuse. At times quiet, subtle, and insidious. Other times, not so much. It is at times conscious and intentional. And intentional cruelty - even sadistic behaviors - can be involved. And society continues to stick their head in the sand and deny the reality of FSA. We must all work together to change that.
Rosalee— the other part of your story that I identify with is that my husband told everyone I had a borderline personality immediately, following the birth of our son, who was critically ill. As a result of his insane accusations, I was accused of Munchhausen by proxy, even though my son was diagnosed within half an hour of a C-section. Another crazy story but the truth is these are destructive injustices. They are brutality to our souls. I’ve written about it on my Substack – it’s not a fun story, but you might relate to some of it and there’s more there about some of what has helped me to stop reacting and instead to be outraged at their abuse. I’m very angry.
Oh my gosh Melanie how traumatizing that is after just giving birth and your baby is critically ill. It is horrific people get to use these fabricated destructive labels as weapons to invalidate and persecute others.
@Melanie Ess I think you are aware of this but just making sure you know this is a public post so your comments are public - just an FYI since you are sharing more sensitive data.
That is terrible, Rosalee! I have had clients in the past who had similar experience. One had this type of labeling happen at a trauma treatment center addressing chronic pain and addiction - Their chart was filled with flat out lies by the psychiatrist. My client wasn’t having it and got their chart changed after filing a complaint on the psychiatrist (this was not in the U.S., btw). It was yet another injustice and they chose to fight back - and won. But still, incredibly distressing and exhausting to go through.
Thanks for the shout out Rebecca! I really felt that part about invalidation at the hands of those who are not trained or knowledgeable in psycho-emotional abuse. Pisses me off every time.
I restacked with this but wanted to include in comments: Traumatic invalidation can leave us feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Reclaiming my narrative—naming and owning my truth—has been both empowering and ongoing, especially through writing. My recovery was shaped by decades of 12-step practice, inner work, education as an LCSW, and the fierce determination I had as a teenager to escape the control of my family and cult. While my journey has been miraculous, I believe Rebecca’s work could have shortened this long, solitary struggle.
For most of my life, my experience of being born and raised in a cult went unacknowledged, with the religious sect and its underlying dynamics and abuse remaining hidden until they were exposed in 2023. From an early age, I had to learn to trust myself and my intuition despite harmful conditioning—a difficult path driven by my need for freedom and truth. It is painful to see my story—and those of other victims—exploited at times, especially in light of the cult's recent exposure and the decades during which our voices have been silenced.
In early recovery, I discovered my role as the scapegoat. Although figures like John Bradshaw and Claudia Black identified dysfunctional family roles, they did not fully address the deep unconscious dynamics—such as projective identification and traumatic invalidation—that affected me. The mental health field often placed the healing burden on the “identified patient” without holding the system accountable for creating the pain even as they used a “systems theory approach.” This lack of research and recognition reinforced the scapegoating of FSA victims, as early addiction work focused primarily on supporting the golden child, which ultimately gave rise to the theory of codependency.
Discovering Rebecca's groundbreaking work on Substack validated my lifelong experience, my solitary journey of healing, and my decision to distance myself from my family. It helped me recognize the miracle of my survival. More recently, the exposure of the high-control religion I was raised in, alongside confronting the FSA dynamics and the loss of my parents, has opened a new level of grief that I know will continue to unfold.
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to my colleagues, @Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP and @Claire Pichel, LCSW, PMH-C for their invaluable insights and support.
Thank you again Rebecca for another profound article. I connected deeply with most every word. I can see now how both spiritual groups that I was involved with over the last few years were Not open to the idea of FSA even though they claim to be So Open to all people, religions and practices, etc. I also see how both therapists I went to were subtly always pressuring me to do More to help resolve my family’s issues than to having compassion for what I went through as a child, And was still going through at the time they were claiming to “help” me.
I wish you strength as you continue to deal with the negative push back you’re facing with Amazon and YouTube, etc.
Thank You Again for all you are doing in your efforts to enlighten this world 🌎.
You're welcome, Donna. Of course, I am always sorry to hear that anyone has had to endure these challenges and this type of invalidation, but I'm glad to know my FSA research and related content has been helpful in your recovery.
Sarah Jensen—thank you for liking my response. My Grandmother’s name was Sarah Jensen—-she was sweet and gentle and I have her very old sewing machine. I wrote and read a poem at her funeral— many years ago, and so did my young daughter. You must be Danish (or married to one ???)
Donna, blame the victim is pervasive. Society refuses to see the innocence because they need a scapegoat due to lack of evolved consciousness and refusal to grow.
The professional invalidation, which lasted from age 14 to 44, was the biggest barrier to my escape and healing from the dysfunctional family dynamics I experienced.
I struggle to untangle which challenges are autism related and which are C-PTSD. I don’t feel safe socially because it’s harder for me to pick up the social cues that would help me identify predators and their supporters. Most people see me as less than, but some also see me as worth using. Knowing the difference would help me navigate the world.
Your work has helped validate my experiences to other professionals, and thankfully I have a good therapist now who gets it. I hope that your work becomes more known, because I am far from alone in my experience of scapegoating in therapeutic settings.
It is slowly happening, Sarah. The peer-reviewed quantitative research on FSA that I am co-authoring in partnership with Dr. Balapala is a Quantum Leap forward in legitimizing this form of abuse internationally. Our first peer-reviewed FSA-related study will be published in the European Journal of Public Health Studies this year.
I am so looking forward to this publication Rebecca. I am going to try make one last attempt to have my medical records corrected of my sister's damaging lies and this upcoming publication will be immensely helpful in explaining how insidious and harmful this form of abuse is. To have mental health professionals invalidate you and take the side of the abuser who used DARVO is next level crazy making.
Not sure if you are in the U.S., Rosalee, but there is a chance Legal Aid can help, if so, and if they have an attorney who understands correcting medical records. At the very least, I believe here in the U.S. you can demand that a note be placed in your chart that refutes the labels attached to you. A defamation suit is also something those I know who this has happened to have considered. Legal Aid (in the United States): Find a lawyer and affordable legal aid: https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid
Bless you Rebecca, I so appreciate your efforts to help me. (I am in Canada) After I got my medical records I tried to have my sister retract her lies but she refused, hung up, and changed her email address and phone number. I had a very difficult time finding a lawyer to take the defamation case as lawyers also want nothing to do with anyone with that 'label'. I finally found one, filed a defamation suit and my sister finally issued a legal retraction. I have gone several routes including a complaint with the College of Physicians and the Office of Information and Privacy (OIPC) but had no luck. The lawyer at OIPC had told me if my sister issued a retraction it would be very helpful in getting my records corrected. But she told me I had to send a new letter to the psychiatrist to make the request again. When I did this, the psychiatrist's lawyer demanded the OPIC deem my second request "repetitive" and that they can ignore it. The psychiatrist's lawyer also requested I be banned from contacting the psychiatrist again. It turns out a psychiatrist can put any label they want on a person and can never be made to change their 'opinion'. In Canada the doctors are also provided with unlimited free legal expenses with taxpayer dollars so it is very difficult to find a lawyer to take on a medical case in Canada as the deck is so stacked against the patient. But I have found out the psychiatrist breached the 'Health Information Act' by taking information from my sister - without my knowledge or consent - so that gives me grounds for a new complaint to the College and your upcoming publication will be very helpful in describing the abuse, deceit and DARVO my sister inflicted. Thank you again!
Rebecca, your work on Family Scapegoating Abuse resonates deeply. I’ve lived it. The silence, the gaslighting, the way even naming the truth can trigger further rejection. Walking away wasn’t just about setting boundaries—it was about survival.
For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.
And yet, it’s not just the family that does this. As you’ve pointed out, the systems we turn to for support—mental health, society, even language itself—often reinforce the same invalidation. My experience navigating this as a nonbinary person in a strictly gendered language like German only made it clearer: the world is built to maintain its fictions.
What you’re doing—naming this abuse, pushing against the narratives that keep survivors trapped—is vital. The more we bring these patterns into the light, the less power they hold.
“For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.”
Stopping seeking validation is key Jay! Same here. Although it is pretty tricky to get there …I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing. So grateful.
Kelly, in saying, *"I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing,"* haven’t you just shifted the focus back to seeking validation?
I write because the words are in me. I hope they spark thought, reflection, or recognition in those who read them. Yet, I don’t write for approval, praise, or validation. I don’t need agreement to know my truth.
Of course, I feel joy when people truly connect with my words, engage, start a discussion, or even disagree—because I don’t need to be right. In fact, I hate being told I’m right. That puts me in a position of all-knowing authority, a kind of power-over dynamic that I reject.
Yes, I can feel appreciation. Yet appreciation is something entirely different from validation.
Thank you, Jay. I so value your presence on my Substack, and I did restack your comment here and hope many will read it. Succinct, insightful, and valuable.
Thank you Rebecca for another very validating post. I am so very grateful you have taken on the difficult task to get your research and information out into the world to help other survivors of FSA. How I wish I had found your work sooner before my older sisters were able to inflict very damaging and permanent harm on me while I was enduring cancer treatment.
Thank you so much! Finding your work has been a light in so much darkness for so very long. I listen to something you say or read something you write and it's often the very thing I've tried in vain to explain to others for decades now. One thing I am working on recovering from, is finding out this past year, that the GC sibling who was (I had always thought) my best friend, has really taken on our narcissistic and emotionally abusive father's strategies for control. He died in 2012 and our relationship has tuned into hell in the years since. I had no idea that behind my back for years she was working with two therapists who decided, without ever meeting me or talking with me, that I have BPD. She told this to everyone around her l, mutual friend, even the nurses at the hopsital when our mom died in 2023. She would, just as my father did, take things I said entirely out of context even if I explained she hadn't understood me, or she would even split after conflicts with someone else, that I could just be in the same room as...not causing any of it, and then within weeks I was somehow turned into the problem. Shed's literally black out things other people did and insert me in the role of the problem. Even if in the moment of the original injury she would talk with me and say how upsetting the offenders behavior was even at times reassuring me it had nothing to do with me. These are the ways she presented me to everyone including therapists, YT "influences talking about BPD who she emailed and they were like "oh yeah....your sister must have BPD!" She hid this from me for years as I felt more and more crazy. I am hypervigiant after growing up in all this and somehow being the scapegoat in social dynamics as well and can pick up on the slightest incrongruency. And anytime I tried to call her out or stand up for myself (still unawares of all the stuff happening behind my back) I was then just MORE of the problem for being upset. I don't have BPD. The two core defining features of it are ironically much more apparent in the GC who has admittedly no sense of self and intense abandonment trauma. I do have CPTSD and circumstantial depression that comes up when put back in this dynamic and now crippling social anxiety. That huge anxiety at my core that the world isn't safe anymore. People aren't safe. No one cares. I've shrunk into a shell of the person I was before my father's death.
And after moving my life to be closer to her to give our relationship a real chance after she seemed to have her "Come to Jesus" process around her part in all this last year, what do you think is happening now that the GC's partner has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer? Despite showing up in every way I can, I was labeled "making it all about me" when some of this trauma came back up for me (the way she treated me during my moms death was APPALLING) during the holidays and I asked if "she cared about my experience in this at all?" and we are right back where we were before: I'm the problem, she's the victim and now even more so as her partner is dying. I somehow become the target for her anger when her world is out of control. I can't take it anymore.
I'm considering moving BACK 2000 miles away again. She seems frustrated anytime all this trauma (it would take me days to write it all) comes up for me. She just wants it all to be behind us. She can't seem to accept, consistently, the damage she's caused and how it might affect me in moments. The impacts on my mental health have been extreme. She was supposed to be my best friend. The one person in the family who saw me for who I was and now our parents are gone and she's revealed how she has ACTUALLY viewed me for decades. It's so hard to talk about with anyone. People don't understand. I've grown so scared of therapists after this. This ruins lives. Thank you, Rebecca for this article and your work. It's a lifeline.
Hi Lara, so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand these dynamics first-hand - not just from my clinical work and research. I was shocked when the 'scapegoat narrative' came out of a sibling's mouth when my only living parent became infirm; yet now I realize that this false 'narrative' that I am "crazy," "selfish," "narcissistic," "a liar," etc, had been being shared about me behind my back for decades by several family members - nuclear and extended - courtesy of my mother, then a sibling and aunt and cousin (and who knows who else!). For some reason it hurt the most when I became aware of the sibling scapegoating. The betrayal felt very deep and was genuinely traumatic. This is one of the reasons I included a chapter on Betrayal Trauma in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), which I hope you have read - or will read soon. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a full comment and glad you're here.
Thank you for putting this information out there. It has been a long road to recovery with many facets to it. I used the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous, the Bible, 2 serious rounds of EMDR Therapy, a 25 to 50 minute morning meditation practice running on four years, and for the last three years wrote my way to freedom. My novel, fictionalized for the sake of entertainment and digestibility is currently being laid down in serial form here on Substack.
“Her inability to handle unresolved traumatic events was causing a splintering, a shattering, a loss of memory and a loss of self. She developed patterns of self-destruction, self-loathing and suicidal tendencies that ran in cycles under a veneer of self-sufficiency, defiance, and rebellion. She buried all her unpleasant memories and with them her authenticity and most of her power. They remained sealed underneath the ground, in psychic subway tunnels, where the only source of light came from the interior illumination of rattling trains, lurching and screeching forward to nowhere.”
Excerpt from:
CHAPTER ONE from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
The mind of God is an ever-expanding library of human books telling their stories night and day. Every person who lives—has ever lived—will ever live, speaking in unison. A symphony of individual voice, of experience, extravagant…harmonious…dissonant…beautiful. Were we to pause and listen, we would fall to our knees and weep under the weight of its glory.
—drawn from my vision “Stumbling into the Mind of God.”
It is both extremely validating and so very sad how many people can identify with what you’ve written. EMDR is helping and I’m so glad to be finding more and more resources for my wellbeing.
Glad you are discovering resources, Kris. As I state in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, my original research on FSA indicated that most survivors of this form of abuse are suffering from complex trauma and betrayal trauma symptoms, as well as attachment trauma, so one or more of these typically need to be addressed in FSA recovery.
"This is especially the case in ‘small town’ environments where the family is wealthy, well-known, well-connected, and/or highly regarded within their community for any number of reasons. Hence, the family member reporting abuse is ‘sacrificed’ to preserve the ‘status quo’, particularly by those who might personally benefit from the family’s largesse." I read so much of your work which resonates with my own life experiences but the above stood out for me today, this is me. Thank you. Posting again as I accidently deleted !
You’re welcome, June. Given I know the country you reside in, I will say that I see this ESPECIALLY in your environs - the scapegoating can be brutal in such cases.
Thank you. The scapegoating was brutal, it's one the main reasons we moved over 500 miles away, that helped hugely, not having to see them.
This post gets at the injustice built into scapegoating dynamics and the very real dehumanization of survivors. We are not supposed to be angry, sad, enraged, messy, depressed, grieving…or successful, brilliant, funny or attractive, either. Everything gets slotted into the preconceived construction of our “badness.” And yes, the injustice and dehumanization can come from mental health professionals. I was told at a first appointment with a therapist (who I had the good sense not to return to) after an hour unburdening myself, “I will will work with you but you need to know I don’t believe what you are telling me.” Verbatim. I felt the shock of trauma yet again, sitting across from an educated woman with years of experience. When my current therapist saw the woman at a conference a year later, she approached and told the woman that I was truthful and that what she had done was an ethical breach. Or some such thing. After being labeled psychotic, borderline, and bipolar (I am 63 and so my misdiagnoses parallel the evolution of trauma diagnoses), I was finally told I have complex trauma, or C-PTSD, and that diagnosis was the "Word that is God." By that I mean it held out hope of healing, rather than sticking me with a label that further dehumanized me. ~ I want to share something that was so helpful to me this week — reading that for people like us, our “reactions are the epicenter” of the response of our perpetrators and often of “the system” as well, rather than the trauma that instigated the reaction. It was followed with the question, “Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel” that we are dangerous, broken, irredeemable? What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back. ~ I know this is a long post, but I want to share that a few weeks ago, my scapegoating sister changed all the locks on the home of our father, who suffers from dementia and lives two miles from me. She did this so I cannot get in, but that means if he falls, I cannot get there. The excuse she gave is that since our mother died, I steal things…and interfere with his care (I feed him, play games, and take him to the carwash, which he loves). I share this because this is EXACTLY the kind of crazy stuff that people don’t believe…or that prompts them to say things like, “Well what did you do for her to do that?” The locks are both real and metaphoric. We are locked out family life, of helping, loving, being there. And it is not an exaggeration to say FSA is an injustice and a dehumanizer on par with other ways humans brutalize one another. Thank you for indulging this long comment and so much gratitude and respect to you, Rebecca, for your work, your compassion, and these posts, which I pass on to the family and friends who believe and have become educated and loving supporters with that awareness.
Hi Melanie Ess, I share your gratitude & respect for Rebecca's work ! I read your post with eyes wide open with respect & recognition, if I could write as eloquently as yourself, I could have pretty much written every word. Myself & my husband have been accused of stealing from my FOO before & after my parents deaths by my FOO at least half a dozen times. Once was when my mother had to go to hospital urgently & seriously ill with terminal cancer, of course myself & my husband took her to hospital, not the golden ones. She asked me to remove some incontinent pads from a bin as she didn't want her new partner to find them. I had to ask my sister-in-law for the key ... wife of the most golden one. I didn't tell her why I needed to key out of respect for my mother's privacy. It wasn't many days before the stealing accusation reached me. You couldn't make it up !
So sorry his happened to you, June. As I mentioned to Melanie, these types of “stealing” accusations - particularly as related to an infirm or deceased parent - are a validated aspect of the phenomenon of FSA, as per my original research. I discuss this in my video on Family Mobbing here: https://youtu.be/6gb_dDqWLiQ
Dear Melanie, Your post is riveting and really resonates. Especially this....“Are we meant to spend our lives fighting the libel”.....What is the cost of living in the crosshairs of scapegoaters? It is the cost of life itself - we lose years we cannot get back."
This is what I have experienced. While I was bald, emaciated and very ill from chemo my eldest sister did not want to offer any compassion or support. I had my partner who served in the military but we lived separately and he had to be away at times. My sister needed to relieve her guilt and shame and uphold her self image of perfection so she devised a plan with another sister to phone the MH Crisis line and make up lies about my mental health. She claimed I had been "diagnosed with BPD" and was threatening suicide in every recent conversation she had with me and she wanted me assessed by a psychiatrist. For the record, I had never been diagnosed with BPD and had never even heard of BPD before. Plus I was never suicidal at all, and had never had any recent conversations with her either. The last time I had a brief phone call with her was 2 months prior. She was a retired RN and I had called to ask her for suggestions on dealing with daily profuse nosebleeds due to chemo. She did not wish to talk so I politely let her go. The chemo and steroids had caused insomnia so the cancer treatment doctors sent me to see "someone" for "help with sleep meds". It turned out the 'someone' was a psychiatrist. Unbeknownst to me my eldest sister then phoned this psychiatrist and made up a bunch more crazy lies. She even told the psych that the chemo effects of nausea, vertigo, etc were "bizarre" and "had ZERO basis". The psychiatrist then published onto my widespread medical records a 4 page report of defamation. She gave me labels of "Severe and Persistent Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Somatization Disorder" based solely on my sister's lies. I was then stripped of my autonomy and in shock and disbelief when I had an unneeded mutilating surgery forced on me. This was 15 years ago and since then I have been repeatedly denied health care services due to the psych labels. If I finally do get accepted for a test, ultrasound etc. I am treated with contempt and spoken to horribly. It took me 4 years to get my records and find out what went on. I sued my sister for defamation and she finally issued a legal retraction of her lies. But even with the legal retraction and strong supportive letters from my family doctor, plus another psychiatrist, my partner of 23 years, a long time neighbor and friends to dispute the defamation and lies, I still am living with this defamation on my records. I have lost 15 years fighting this and my health has declined to point I don't have much energy left to fight anymore. Finding Rebecca's work was life altering in knowing there is a name for this horrible abuse. To suffer alone in silence is a form of crazy making and although I am deeply saddened to know others have endured this FSA abuse it has been validating to realize I am not alone in dealing with this nightmare.
Dear Rosalee, I am reading this with tears in my eyes because so much of it sounds like what I have lived through and my heart is full – for you. I’m so terribly sorry that a person who was supposed to love you invested time and effort into harming you. there is nothing you could have done – or that I could have done – to warrant the bizarre and libelous things that have been done to us. I believe you and I know that you have suffered deeply. I know because your story is so much like mine. When I needed brain surgery, my sister told me that she wished I would stop calling it that because it was upsetting everyone. She suggested that I put up railings in my house to stop my constant falling, which was the result of Pronounced defect that needed to be corrected surgically. Without surgery I wouldn’t be able to work, but she wanted me to put up railings and take a couple of years off so that people wouldn’t be upset. These stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world – and yet we the survivors know they are true. I am your family. The healthy family, the family of sufferers who are doing all we can to heal. If you wish to contact me directly, I would welcome a message from you in my inbox. You are not alone, Rosalee. Reach out if you feel like doing so. Sending love and compassion.
Oh my goodness, me too. I had a heart attack at 51, some years after my folk died from cancer, not that they'd have cared. My parents-in-law didn't care at all, it was just a pain for them.
Dear Melanie, Thank you and bless you for your very kind and heart warming message! It was the first time I was brave enough to type more of the details and your post had given me the courage to do that. We certainly have similar situations with FSA, especially dealing with cruel FSA while also coping with our health issues. Yes - these stories sound utterly bizarre to the outside world and there is this underlying feeling people always wonder what we did to bring this on. It seems someone that never endured this has a hard time to understand how it could be. Sometime I even wonder how this can possibly be for real, like why, and what did I do to deserve this. I am so very sorry you dealt with such cruelty when needing brain surgery. Brain surgery is such a major surgery. It is unfathomable your sister told you not to call the surgery brain surgery so as to not upset other people. My heart is full for you too Melanie and I send you so much love, compassion and empathy. Yes I would love to connect with you directly. I am still figuring out how Substack works and am not sure quite what I need to do on my end to be able to message you directly but will try. Thank you again, Sending best of wishes to you always. XO Rosalee
@<Rosalee So glad you’re feeling more comfortable sharing - I wanted to make sure you knew that is a public post so comments are public; sometimes people miss that part in the email or post.
Thank you for the heads up Rebecca, at first I wasn't sure if it was public but I realized I am not going to stay silent anymore so it didn't matter. I had no idea something like this could be carried out so covertly and I want to warn others. Yes it was very sadistic and the devil is in the details.
More of us need to start speaking up. I commend your courage and I’m heartened to see so many people contributing to the comments in today’s post - you included!
You can see why I intentionally added ‘abuse’ to my term ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’ (FSA) when I chose to name this phenomenon via my original Family Systems research. It IS indeed abuse. At times quiet, subtle, and insidious. Other times, not so much. It is at times conscious and intentional. And intentional cruelty - even sadistic behaviors - can be involved. And society continues to stick their head in the sand and deny the reality of FSA. We must all work together to change that.
Sadly Rosalee, you're not alone !
Rosalee— the other part of your story that I identify with is that my husband told everyone I had a borderline personality immediately, following the birth of our son, who was critically ill. As a result of his insane accusations, I was accused of Munchhausen by proxy, even though my son was diagnosed within half an hour of a C-section. Another crazy story but the truth is these are destructive injustices. They are brutality to our souls. I’ve written about it on my Substack – it’s not a fun story, but you might relate to some of it and there’s more there about some of what has helped me to stop reacting and instead to be outraged at their abuse. I’m very angry.
Oh my gosh Melanie how traumatizing that is after just giving birth and your baby is critically ill. It is horrific people get to use these fabricated destructive labels as weapons to invalidate and persecute others.
@Melanie Ess I think you are aware of this but just making sure you know this is a public post so your comments are public - just an FYI since you are sharing more sensitive data.
Rosalee, I find this horrifying. Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s so bizarre what we endure.
That is terrible, Rosalee! I have had clients in the past who had similar experience. One had this type of labeling happen at a trauma treatment center addressing chronic pain and addiction - Their chart was filled with flat out lies by the psychiatrist. My client wasn’t having it and got their chart changed after filing a complaint on the psychiatrist (this was not in the U.S., btw). It was yet another injustice and they chose to fight back - and won. But still, incredibly distressing and exhausting to go through.
🎯🎯🎯
I appreciate this so much.
Melanie, thank you, and I did restack your comment here. I hope many take the time to read it.
Thanks for the shout out Rebecca! I really felt that part about invalidation at the hands of those who are not trained or knowledgeable in psycho-emotional abuse. Pisses me off every time.
As it should. Feel free to link your nervous system calm down videos here in the comments as well. Can’t remember if I included it in my post!
I restacked with this but wanted to include in comments: Traumatic invalidation can leave us feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Reclaiming my narrative—naming and owning my truth—has been both empowering and ongoing, especially through writing. My recovery was shaped by decades of 12-step practice, inner work, education as an LCSW, and the fierce determination I had as a teenager to escape the control of my family and cult. While my journey has been miraculous, I believe Rebecca’s work could have shortened this long, solitary struggle.
For most of my life, my experience of being born and raised in a cult went unacknowledged, with the religious sect and its underlying dynamics and abuse remaining hidden until they were exposed in 2023. From an early age, I had to learn to trust myself and my intuition despite harmful conditioning—a difficult path driven by my need for freedom and truth. It is painful to see my story—and those of other victims—exploited at times, especially in light of the cult's recent exposure and the decades during which our voices have been silenced.
In early recovery, I discovered my role as the scapegoat. Although figures like John Bradshaw and Claudia Black identified dysfunctional family roles, they did not fully address the deep unconscious dynamics—such as projective identification and traumatic invalidation—that affected me. The mental health field often placed the healing burden on the “identified patient” without holding the system accountable for creating the pain even as they used a “systems theory approach.” This lack of research and recognition reinforced the scapegoating of FSA victims, as early addiction work focused primarily on supporting the golden child, which ultimately gave rise to the theory of codependency.
Discovering Rebecca's groundbreaking work on Substack validated my lifelong experience, my solitary journey of healing, and my decision to distance myself from my family. It helped me recognize the miracle of my survival. More recently, the exposure of the high-control religion I was raised in, alongside confronting the FSA dynamics and the loss of my parents, has opened a new level of grief that I know will continue to unfold.
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to my colleagues, @Rebecca C Mandeville MACP CCTP and @Claire Pichel, LCSW, PMH-C for their invaluable insights and support.
I’ve edited this somewhat on my restack so check it out.
Thank you again Rebecca for another profound article. I connected deeply with most every word. I can see now how both spiritual groups that I was involved with over the last few years were Not open to the idea of FSA even though they claim to be So Open to all people, religions and practices, etc. I also see how both therapists I went to were subtly always pressuring me to do More to help resolve my family’s issues than to having compassion for what I went through as a child, And was still going through at the time they were claiming to “help” me.
I wish you strength as you continue to deal with the negative push back you’re facing with Amazon and YouTube, etc.
Thank You Again for all you are doing in your efforts to enlighten this world 🌎.
You're welcome, Donna. Of course, I am always sorry to hear that anyone has had to endure these challenges and this type of invalidation, but I'm glad to know my FSA research and related content has been helpful in your recovery.
Sarah Jensen—thank you for liking my response. My Grandmother’s name was Sarah Jensen—-she was sweet and gentle and I have her very old sewing machine. I wrote and read a poem at her funeral— many years ago, and so did my young daughter. You must be Danish (or married to one ???)
Donna, blame the victim is pervasive. Society refuses to see the innocence because they need a scapegoat due to lack of evolved consciousness and refusal to grow.
The professional invalidation, which lasted from age 14 to 44, was the biggest barrier to my escape and healing from the dysfunctional family dynamics I experienced.
I struggle to untangle which challenges are autism related and which are C-PTSD. I don’t feel safe socially because it’s harder for me to pick up the social cues that would help me identify predators and their supporters. Most people see me as less than, but some also see me as worth using. Knowing the difference would help me navigate the world.
Your work has helped validate my experiences to other professionals, and thankfully I have a good therapist now who gets it. I hope that your work becomes more known, because I am far from alone in my experience of scapegoating in therapeutic settings.
It is slowly happening, Sarah. The peer-reviewed quantitative research on FSA that I am co-authoring in partnership with Dr. Balapala is a Quantum Leap forward in legitimizing this form of abuse internationally. Our first peer-reviewed FSA-related study will be published in the European Journal of Public Health Studies this year.
I am so looking forward to this publication Rebecca. I am going to try make one last attempt to have my medical records corrected of my sister's damaging lies and this upcoming publication will be immensely helpful in explaining how insidious and harmful this form of abuse is. To have mental health professionals invalidate you and take the side of the abuser who used DARVO is next level crazy making.
Not sure if you are in the U.S., Rosalee, but there is a chance Legal Aid can help, if so, and if they have an attorney who understands correcting medical records. At the very least, I believe here in the U.S. you can demand that a note be placed in your chart that refutes the labels attached to you. A defamation suit is also something those I know who this has happened to have considered. Legal Aid (in the United States): Find a lawyer and affordable legal aid: https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid
Bless you Rebecca, I so appreciate your efforts to help me. (I am in Canada) After I got my medical records I tried to have my sister retract her lies but she refused, hung up, and changed her email address and phone number. I had a very difficult time finding a lawyer to take the defamation case as lawyers also want nothing to do with anyone with that 'label'. I finally found one, filed a defamation suit and my sister finally issued a legal retraction. I have gone several routes including a complaint with the College of Physicians and the Office of Information and Privacy (OIPC) but had no luck. The lawyer at OIPC had told me if my sister issued a retraction it would be very helpful in getting my records corrected. But she told me I had to send a new letter to the psychiatrist to make the request again. When I did this, the psychiatrist's lawyer demanded the OPIC deem my second request "repetitive" and that they can ignore it. The psychiatrist's lawyer also requested I be banned from contacting the psychiatrist again. It turns out a psychiatrist can put any label they want on a person and can never be made to change their 'opinion'. In Canada the doctors are also provided with unlimited free legal expenses with taxpayer dollars so it is very difficult to find a lawyer to take on a medical case in Canada as the deck is so stacked against the patient. But I have found out the psychiatrist breached the 'Health Information Act' by taking information from my sister - without my knowledge or consent - so that gives me grounds for a new complaint to the College and your upcoming publication will be very helpful in describing the abuse, deceit and DARVO my sister inflicted. Thank you again!
Sarah the professional invalidation is horrific. Endemic. I can relate on the autism spectrum as well tho undiagnosed (haaa of course)
I totally relate to this. I hope you keep untangling the threads to find your way to the truth.
Rebecca, your work on Family Scapegoating Abuse resonates deeply. I’ve lived it. The silence, the gaslighting, the way even naming the truth can trigger further rejection. Walking away wasn’t just about setting boundaries—it was about survival.
For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.
And yet, it’s not just the family that does this. As you’ve pointed out, the systems we turn to for support—mental health, society, even language itself—often reinforce the same invalidation. My experience navigating this as a nonbinary person in a strictly gendered language like German only made it clearer: the world is built to maintain its fictions.
What you’re doing—naming this abuse, pushing against the narratives that keep survivors trapped—is vital. The more we bring these patterns into the light, the less power they hold.
“For years, I tried to prove my reality, to be heard. But the more I spoke, the more I was cast as the problem. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking validation from those who refused to see me that I began to reclaim myself.”
Hard same. And just in the past few months, even.
Yes, this is common with so many of us FSA survivors, and was confirmed via my original research. If you haven’t yet read my article on FSA and ‘radical acceptance’, you can do so here: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in?utm_source=publication-search
Stopping seeking validation is key Jay! Same here. Although it is pretty tricky to get there …I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing. So grateful.
Kelly, in saying, *"I’m finding the validation here bringing a profound deeper level of healing,"* haven’t you just shifted the focus back to seeking validation?
I write because the words are in me. I hope they spark thought, reflection, or recognition in those who read them. Yet, I don’t write for approval, praise, or validation. I don’t need agreement to know my truth.
Of course, I feel joy when people truly connect with my words, engage, start a discussion, or even disagree—because I don’t need to be right. In fact, I hate being told I’m right. That puts me in a position of all-knowing authority, a kind of power-over dynamic that I reject.
Yes, I can feel appreciation. Yet appreciation is something entirely different from validation.
Thank you, Jay. I so value your presence on my Substack, and I did restack your comment here and hope many will read it. Succinct, insightful, and valuable.
Thank you Rebecca for another very validating post. I am so very grateful you have taken on the difficult task to get your research and information out into the world to help other survivors of FSA. How I wish I had found your work sooner before my older sisters were able to inflict very damaging and permanent harm on me while I was enduring cancer treatment.
You're welcome, Rosalee.
Thank you so much! Finding your work has been a light in so much darkness for so very long. I listen to something you say or read something you write and it's often the very thing I've tried in vain to explain to others for decades now. One thing I am working on recovering from, is finding out this past year, that the GC sibling who was (I had always thought) my best friend, has really taken on our narcissistic and emotionally abusive father's strategies for control. He died in 2012 and our relationship has tuned into hell in the years since. I had no idea that behind my back for years she was working with two therapists who decided, without ever meeting me or talking with me, that I have BPD. She told this to everyone around her l, mutual friend, even the nurses at the hopsital when our mom died in 2023. She would, just as my father did, take things I said entirely out of context even if I explained she hadn't understood me, or she would even split after conflicts with someone else, that I could just be in the same room as...not causing any of it, and then within weeks I was somehow turned into the problem. Shed's literally black out things other people did and insert me in the role of the problem. Even if in the moment of the original injury she would talk with me and say how upsetting the offenders behavior was even at times reassuring me it had nothing to do with me. These are the ways she presented me to everyone including therapists, YT "influences talking about BPD who she emailed and they were like "oh yeah....your sister must have BPD!" She hid this from me for years as I felt more and more crazy. I am hypervigiant after growing up in all this and somehow being the scapegoat in social dynamics as well and can pick up on the slightest incrongruency. And anytime I tried to call her out or stand up for myself (still unawares of all the stuff happening behind my back) I was then just MORE of the problem for being upset. I don't have BPD. The two core defining features of it are ironically much more apparent in the GC who has admittedly no sense of self and intense abandonment trauma. I do have CPTSD and circumstantial depression that comes up when put back in this dynamic and now crippling social anxiety. That huge anxiety at my core that the world isn't safe anymore. People aren't safe. No one cares. I've shrunk into a shell of the person I was before my father's death.
And after moving my life to be closer to her to give our relationship a real chance after she seemed to have her "Come to Jesus" process around her part in all this last year, what do you think is happening now that the GC's partner has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer? Despite showing up in every way I can, I was labeled "making it all about me" when some of this trauma came back up for me (the way she treated me during my moms death was APPALLING) during the holidays and I asked if "she cared about my experience in this at all?" and we are right back where we were before: I'm the problem, she's the victim and now even more so as her partner is dying. I somehow become the target for her anger when her world is out of control. I can't take it anymore.
I'm considering moving BACK 2000 miles away again. She seems frustrated anytime all this trauma (it would take me days to write it all) comes up for me. She just wants it all to be behind us. She can't seem to accept, consistently, the damage she's caused and how it might affect me in moments. The impacts on my mental health have been extreme. She was supposed to be my best friend. The one person in the family who saw me for who I was and now our parents are gone and she's revealed how she has ACTUALLY viewed me for decades. It's so hard to talk about with anyone. People don't understand. I've grown so scared of therapists after this. This ruins lives. Thank you, Rebecca for this article and your work. It's a lifeline.
I understand Lara. Discovering their betrayals is devastating. What the REALLY think about us.
Indeed. It is devastating. I'm sorry you have gone through that as well. ❤️🩹
Hi Lara, so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand these dynamics first-hand - not just from my clinical work and research. I was shocked when the 'scapegoat narrative' came out of a sibling's mouth when my only living parent became infirm; yet now I realize that this false 'narrative' that I am "crazy," "selfish," "narcissistic," "a liar," etc, had been being shared about me behind my back for decades by several family members - nuclear and extended - courtesy of my mother, then a sibling and aunt and cousin (and who knows who else!). For some reason it hurt the most when I became aware of the sibling scapegoating. The betrayal felt very deep and was genuinely traumatic. This is one of the reasons I included a chapter on Betrayal Trauma in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), which I hope you have read - or will read soon. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a full comment and glad you're here.
Thank you for putting this information out there. It has been a long road to recovery with many facets to it. I used the 12 steps from Alcoholics Anonymous, the Bible, 2 serious rounds of EMDR Therapy, a 25 to 50 minute morning meditation practice running on four years, and for the last three years wrote my way to freedom. My novel, fictionalized for the sake of entertainment and digestibility is currently being laid down in serial form here on Substack.
“Her inability to handle unresolved traumatic events was causing a splintering, a shattering, a loss of memory and a loss of self. She developed patterns of self-destruction, self-loathing and suicidal tendencies that ran in cycles under a veneer of self-sufficiency, defiance, and rebellion. She buried all her unpleasant memories and with them her authenticity and most of her power. They remained sealed underneath the ground, in psychic subway tunnels, where the only source of light came from the interior illumination of rattling trains, lurching and screeching forward to nowhere.”
Excerpt from:
CHAPTER ONE from CAUGHT UP Truth and Metaphor | An Imaginary Tale
So relate Rachel! 12 steps and writing for the win!
This is both acutely painful and also beautifully written, Rachel. I read it and honestly, I could have written these very words myself (about myself). If you would like me to link my subscribers to your Substack series, I'd be happy to, just let me know.
Thank you for your kind words Rebecca. I finished the novel last month and would welcome your help to get the word out. The chapters are dropped bi-weekly and my page is free. Our common journey is both unique and pervasive. It is my hope to help bring awareness and pierce through the isolation.
The mind of God is an ever-expanding library of human books telling their stories night and day. Every person who lives—has ever lived—will ever live, speaking in unison. A symphony of individual voice, of experience, extravagant…harmonious…dissonant…beautiful. Were we to pause and listen, we would fall to our knees and weep under the weight of its glory.
—drawn from my vision “Stumbling into the Mind of God.”
It is both extremely validating and so very sad how many people can identify with what you’ve written. EMDR is helping and I’m so glad to be finding more and more resources for my wellbeing.
Glad you are discovering resources, Kris. As I state in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, my original research on FSA indicated that most survivors of this form of abuse are suffering from complex trauma and betrayal trauma symptoms, as well as attachment trauma, so one or more of these typically need to be addressed in FSA recovery.
"This is especially the case in ‘small town’ environments where the family is wealthy, well-known, well-connected, and/or highly regarded within their community for any number of reasons. Hence, the family member reporting abuse is ‘sacrificed’ to preserve the ‘status quo’, particularly by those who might personally benefit from the family’s largesse." I read so much of your work which resonates with my own life experiences but the above stood out for me today, this is me. Thank you. Posting again as I accidently deleted !