(Public Post): Breaking the Silence: The Lethal Reality of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA)
It's time for society to wake up to FSA's devastating impact on child victims and adult survivors
Read the first peer-reviewed quantitative study on the insidious systemic phenomenon I named Family Scapegoating Abuse / FSA (study led by Doctoral Research Scholar Dr. Kartheek R. Balapala, MD): https://oapub.org/hlt/index.php/EJPHS/article/view/202/202
Trigger warning: This article contains references to family abuse and suicide.
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When Society Turns a Blind Eye to Abuse
For too long, we as a society have ignored, diminished, or dismissed the reality of the ‘invisible’ (psycho-emotional) wounds inflicted by family onto child victims and adult survivors.
We’ve told survivors, “But they’re family!” - as if blood ties absolve cruelty, maltreatment, and abuse. We’ve pathologized their pain, labeling them with diagnoses that obscure the true source of their suffering. As a clinician who has both treated and researched on the insidious systemic phenomenon I named Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) - and as a survivor of FSA myself - I’m here to tell you: It’s time for this societal denial of the reality of family psycho-emotional abuse to stop.
Family Scapegoating Abuse is not a mental health problem. It’s a family problem. It is a devastating form of insidious systemic abuse in which one member is consistently targeted, blamed, and ostracized to maintain the dysfunctional equilibrium of the family unit. The scapegoat becomes the repository for all the family’s projected negativity, the lightning rod for their unresolved individual and systemic pain and anxiety which, per my original FSA research, is typically rooted in unprocessed, unrecognized intergenerational trauma.
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And the price for staying connected to individual family members (or an entire family system) that is abusive, as revealed by my original qualitative research studies on Family Scapegoating Abuse and its effects on child victims and adult survivors? Chronic toxic shame; a pervading sense of fear; chronic anxiety; debilitating depression; and profound social isolation.
We also see the effects in the relentless self-doubt targets of FSA experience. We see it in the manifestation of complex PTSD symptoms, the emotional dysregulation and flashbacks, betrayal trauma symptoms, and in the fractured sense of self. We see it in the substance abuse and other types of self-harm behaviors that are in reality desperate attempts to numb the unbearable psycho-emotional pain caused by a systemic phenomenon society has blinded itself to because the truth is inconvenient and uncomfortable to acknowledge.
We also see the effects of FSA in individuals who experience suidical ideation and those who commit suicide in reaction to a form of abuse that is at times so subtle and insidious that many FSA survivors - and the professionals that they seek out for help - have no idea what they are actually suffering from.
FSA and the Reality of Suicidal Ideation
When a survivor of FSA expresses suicidal ideation, it’s not a cry for attention. It’s a desperate plea for help arising from a need to flee an intolerable reality. It’s the culmination of years of being told they are worthless, unlovable, and responsible for their family’s problems. Salt is then added to this profound ‘primal’ wound in the form of traumatic invalidation when they attempt to share their experiences with others (including Mental Health professionals at times).
The constant invalidation of what the FSA target is experiencing can erode the very foundation of their sense of self. It leaves them feeling isolated, hopeless, scared, confused, angry (or numb), and trapped. It can lead some child victims (one of my youngest suicidal FSA clients was 8 years old) and adult survivors to believe that death is the only escape from the unrelenting pain of family abuse.
Let’s be clear: the survivor of FSA is not inherently flawed. They are not “too sensitive” or “dramatic” when they openly acknowledge what they are experiencing in their family. They are not “crazy” or “emotionally unstable” when they label what they are experiencing as abuse. They are not mentally ill or seeking attention when they contemplate suicide as a means of escaping what might be a lifetime of psycho-emotional pain. They are instead reacting, with every fiber of their being, to the force of a traumatizing systemic phenomenon being projected onto them in sometimes obvious, at other times subtle, ways.
Ultimately, the target of FSA is bearing the energetic weight of a system designed to crush their spirit. Years ago I called this form of abuse “soul homicide” and I stand by that statement today.
The Myth of Family Obligation
Society perpetuates the dangerous myth that family ties are unbreakable; that “forgiving” family members that are abusing you (or abused you in the past) is mandatory; and that maintaining contact with family, no matter the cost, is a virtue. This is all a lie - just a few of the many lies that I discuss in my article The Dangers of Confusing Fact with Fiction When Discussing Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA).
We, as a society, must dismantle this narrative that all families are “safe enough” containers and that parents are always “doing their best” and “mean well,” regardless of the harm and damage they cause their child or adult child. We must stop telling adult survivors of family abuse to “get over” their traumatizing family experiences. We must acknowledge that some families are inherently unstable and unsafe. That some family systems are so dysfunctional and abusive that they act as a toxin on a person’s body, mind, and spirit. In some cases, a lethal one.
Here’s how this myth that family is “everything” directly affects me and my ability to reach others with my research-based content on FSA: As some of my subscribers know from a recent live video stream, I cannot advertise my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role, on Amazon Kindle’s home screen. It is deemed “not family friendly”. And, despite my being a Licensed Health Partner on YouTube, I must appeal every video I release on YouTube because they are automatically demonetized by bots (which is one of the reasons I stopped making new content there and moved over to Substack last year).
Never did I imagine that I would be censored and have trouble distributing my FSA content due to the term I coined to describe this projection-based systemic phenomenon, ‘Family Scapegoating Abuse’. Apparently, when the ‘bots see the words ‘family’ and ‘abuse’ used together, my content gets blocked. It is also seemingly deemed to be “not algorithm friendly” (what they likely really mean is “not family friendly”). My FSA Education publication and related content has yet to be promoted by Substack - not one note or post in the nine months I’ve been here - likely for this same reason, despite my becoming one of their ‘best selling’ Substacks within the first three months of my being here, thanks to the support of my paid subscribers - no easy feat.
The insistence on valuing familial obligation above all else at the expense of truth and the well being of FSA survivors ignores the profound damage inflicted by those who were supposed to love and care for us the most. It disregards the lived experiences of individuals who have endured various forms of psycho-emotional abuse within their family-of-origin, including betrayal, manipulation, and violence (such as family mobbing). (Post continues below)
LIVE VIDEO STREAMING COMING TO MY SUBSTACK IN APRIL!
Live Stream Video Is Here! I’ll be live streaming here on my Substack beginning next month. Keep a look out for a post I’m sending out soon advising you on how to set your notifications to be notified of new Live Video streams and how to participate in live Video Chats. You can watch my first unplanned, impromptu Livestream here:
https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/jumping-in-first-video-live-stream
This myth of family obligation creates a culture of silence, where victims are pressured to prioritize familial bonds over their own safety and healing. It forces them to suppress their pain, deny their reality, and ultimately, perpetuate a cycle of abuse. By challenging this narrative, we empower FSA survivors to prioritize their well-being, to set boundaries, and to break free from the shackles of unreasonable familial expectations.
Moreover, the myth of unbreakable family ties serves to protect abusers, not victims. It allows those who have caused harm to evade accountability, shielded by the societal expectation of forgiveness and reconciliation. It places the burden of healing squarely on the shoulders of the abused, demanding they reconcile with those who have violated their trust. This perpetuates a system where the victim is further invalidated and retraumatized, while the abuser remains unchecked. To truly support survivors of family abuse - including FSA - we must prioritize their safety and healing over the preservation of a facade of familial harmony.
Breaking the Cycle: The Path to Healing
If you have been a target of Family Scapegoating Abuse, please know that you are not alone. Your pain is real. Your experiences are valid. And you are not responsible for the abuse you endured.
After working with FSA survivors for over 20 years, and because I am an FSA survivor myself, I know first-hand that healing from FSA is possible. Below is a list of some of the things FSA recovery requires:
Validation: Acknowledging the reality of your abuse and rejecting the distorted and false narratives and gaslighting employed to invalidate your experiences.
Education: Understanding the dynamics of FSA and recognizing the patterns of abuse. (The purpose of my Substack content and my FSA related publications).
Boundaries: Creating safe physical and emotional distance from your abusers.
Trauma-Informed Therapy: Seeking professional support from a therapist who specializes in trauma and family systems.
Community: Connecting with other survivors who understand your experience. FSA survivors may join my paid community of subscribers for group support in a private, paywall-protected setting.
Self-Compassion: Practicing kindness and understanding towards yourself. To access free Self-Compassion resources, go here:
The Choice is Yours - There IS a Way Out
You have the right to prioritize your well-being. You have the right to choose your own family. You have the right to break free from the chains of abuse in all its forms.
Be clear on this: Staying connected to abusive family members who refuse to acknowledge and address their harmful behaviors is not an act of love - toward you OR yourself. It’s an act of self-destruction. It’s a slow, agonizing erosion of your soul.
Your life matters. Your peace matters. Your safety matters.
It’s time to break the silence. It’s time to rewrite your story. It’s time to choose life. A life you want to live. A life you love. With joy.
To all FSA survivors reading this: You are not broken. You are survivors. You are still standing. You are here. And you deserve to heal.
Want more of my free content? Click on your profile photo, click on Settings, scroll down to Notifications, and toggle on ‘New Notes’. You’ll also want to toggle on ‘Live Videos’ so you get notified of my upcoming public and/or paid Live Video Streams here on Substack. View my notes anytime by visiting https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/notes.
Read this related post on FSA: Myths versus Facts
https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/the-dangers-of-confusing-fact-with
Learn more about Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) by visiting my Scapegoat Recovery website at https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Feeling suicidal? Find your location’s Suicidal Hotline here: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/
Rebecca, Reading your post today touched a part of me that rarely finds language outside my own writing. Not because it gave me words I didn’t have—but because it confirmed what I already knew to be true in my bones.
I’ve lived the slow erosion, the exile, the twisting of truth until I could no longer find my own reflection in the mirror held up to me. I didn’t name it Family Scapegoating Abuse for most of my life. I only knew what it felt like to be the problem, the fault line, the one everyone pointed to when their own ground shook.
You speak of soul homicide. That phrase doesn’t overstate—it clarifies. I lived through it. I’ve spent decades retrieving fragments of myself from the wreckage, not through clinical insight, but through the long, often lonely work of healing. I did not find my truth through frameworks or external guidance. I found it inside me—supported by those who stood by me without needing to rewrite my story to suit their comfort.
I am the canyon, and I am the wanderer in it—both. I live in a landscape carved by pain and persistence. And I still experience the scapegoating today—not as a distant past, but a present-tense reality. My lived experience is actively denied. Those I held, supported, carried—who swung in the hammock I kept steady for twenty years—now cry victim. They point their fingers and tell a story where I am to blame. All of it, laid at my feet. Once again.
It happens now at the intersection of family and former workplace—after 22 years of loyalty, care, and presence. Another form of family, now turned against me in the same pattern. The projection continues. The pain repeats. And yet—I no longer collapse under it.
I appreciate your clarity, your effort, and your voice. And I write this not for recognition, but as witness to my own truth. I am still here. Whole, even in pieces. Not broken. Just real.
Jay
Absolutely 💯, this NEEDS TO BE MAINSTREAM AND IN THERAPY MODELS!!