Rebecca, Reading your post today touched a part of me that rarely finds language outside my own writing. Not because it gave me words I didn’t have—but because it confirmed what I already knew to be true in my bones.
I’ve lived the slow erosion, the exile, the twisting of truth until I could no longer find my own reflection in the mirror held up to me. I didn’t name it Family Scapegoating Abuse for most of my life. I only knew what it felt like to be the problem, the fault line, the one everyone pointed to when their own ground shook.
You speak of soul homicide. That phrase doesn’t overstate—it clarifies. I lived through it. I’ve spent decades retrieving fragments of myself from the wreckage, not through clinical insight, but through the long, often lonely work of healing. I did not find my truth through frameworks or external guidance. I found it inside me—supported by those who stood by me without needing to rewrite my story to suit their comfort.
I am the canyon, and I am the wanderer in it—both. I live in a landscape carved by pain and persistence. And I still experience the scapegoating today—not as a distant past, but a present-tense reality. My lived experience is actively denied. Those I held, supported, carried—who swung in the hammock I kept steady for twenty years—now cry victim. They point their fingers and tell a story where I am to blame. All of it, laid at my feet. Once again.
It happens now at the intersection of family and former workplace—after 22 years of loyalty, care, and presence. Another form of family, now turned against me in the same pattern. The projection continues. The pain repeats. And yet—I no longer collapse under it.
I appreciate your clarity, your effort, and your voice. And I write this not for recognition, but as witness to my own truth. I am still here. Whole, even in pieces. Not broken. Just real.
"Whole, even in pieces. Not broken. Just real." Your comment is acutely insightful, poignant, and powerful, and it must stand on its own with no further comment from me. I will be restacking and encouraging my subscribers to read. Thank you, Jay. You are a gift to all who you touch on Substack. Grateful our paths crossed here, and looking forward to doing a video livestream collab in future!
Rebecca, thank you for this endorsement. I truly am grateful for and humbled by your words, as I am just sharing my personal story. And in doing so it seems, many people recognize themselves in pieces of me.
Isn’t it ridiculous Rebecca that we need help to choose a joyous life! But the total confusion of this abuse makes one forget that life should not be about crashing from one fear to another . You are helping us to build solid foundations to thrive from. …..if this makes sense!
I remember the day I woke up to the shocking realization that my life had, for the most part, been one big trauma response. I'm exaggerating a bit, but...not really. (!)
I feel that 100%. Your work is vital to the CPTSD and FSA survivor community! Thank you! I am preparing my highlighters and notebook to dive into the study with my morning coffee. I can't wait! Thank you!
Sofia, that sounds great - you'll likely want to do the same thing with my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Some people have told me nearly the entire book was highlighted, they related to so much!
Yes , that dawning realisation is a huge wake up call! I now have a strict regime of yoga, cooking and fab walks…….and the occasional glass of something! I raise that glass to your ‘thrival’ …..my word for a bit less of just surviving and a lot more thriving …
I can't explain the catharsis I experience in reading this article. Soul homicide: it's a perfect fit. The nature of this trauma can be isolating, I find personally this is very true. To see some specificities of this systemic abuse articulated in a way that resonates with me so deeply is a validation I wish I didn't need, but realize I do. It's an odd feeling to wake up to (snap out of dissociation from) what I've already known all along. This is one of the deepest pains I hope to encounter, and I'll be mitigating this for a lifetime. While I am prepared to do this work alone, according to the nature of my experience, it is a wonderful feeling to see someone speak these words in a way where as I repeat them in my own mind, I don't feel the need to defend myself: the echo of my voice against these words was strong enough to account for maladaptive self-doubt. I'm thankful to have finally woken up from such a spell in my 30s, and I'm lucky to have found this work in due time, along with this awakening. Life is...wild.
Very glad you found this post - and my FSA content- as well. If you are new to my writings and videos on the research-based phenomenon I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (DSA), you may want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role'.
Rebecca Mandeville!!! You are an absolute 💯 ANGEL AND YOUR WORK COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A BETTER TIME! THIS WORK IS CRUCIAL. I AM A DAUGHTER OF A MOTHER WHO CAUSED CHAOS BETWEEN ME, MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER AND IT IS A TRAGEDY!! MY MOM JUST PASSED AWAY ON MARCH 14/2025 AND I TELL YOU, MY MOM LEFT A MAJOR MESS TO CLEAN UP. WHAT A HORRIBLE LEGACY!! BUT, I JUST FOUND YOU, AND OMG, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. PLEASE 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 KEEP UP YOUR AMAZING WORK AND PLEASE MAKE ALL PROFESSIONALS AND VICTIMS WORLDWIDE BE AWARE OF THIS INSIDIOUS LIFE WRECKING ABUSE. I AM ON MY WAY TO HEALING NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU!! I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!!! WOW!!
Very glad you found your way here. And so sorry you are having to deal with a mess following your mother’s passing but that is a rather classic and common symptom of FSA, based on my original research. Be good to yourself while you walk through all of this - And be good to your nervous system as well. Also, check out my home page here to find a recent article with 10 self-care tips for FSA survivors that may be helpful at this time by visiting https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com.
Rebecca, I’ve devoured nearly everything you’ve written on this topic. This article, though, broke through and soothed me in a way that nothing else has— even though everything you’ve written has been helpful and supportive. The reassurance that we are not broken, but survivors, allowed me to exhale. Even after all these decades, and all of the energy I’ve put into saving myself, and all of the growth and change I’ve accomplished, I still feel like I can’t escape the long-term effects of this abuse. It’s as if it seared a brand on my soul and on my forehead, telling the world, and me, how terrible I am. Subconsciously, I keep attracting the same madness and people who treat me the same horrible way. Your work has helped me to start finding a way out. But again, this article in particular hit me in just the way I needed to feel like the healing could actually run deep, and be something more than a hopeful veneer. Thank you so much for your tireless efforts on this topic.
You're welcome, Adr. I am deeply grateful to hear that this article moved you even closer to the truth of who (and what) you actually are. May I restack your comment here for others to see in my notes?
Thank you for your commitment to research. It is seen. As a Somatic Trauma Practitioner focusing on historical trauma, sexual assault and survivor recovery, and mixed-Indigenous woman/solo-mother myself, I know healing from FSA is a generations work - and more! Thank you for naming it, what non-liscensed practitioners or traditional healers have been knowing for centuries, that this type of historical violence is a sickness or disease of not just body and mind, but of spirit. I will share you work.
I am learning so much from you and am also watching your youtube videos.
As I polish the chapters of my novel, even more insights and patterns emerge and my awareness and understanding of what happened grows. I believe my book will be 100 times more effective at delivering the message of Family Scapegoating Abuse, (sure as hell didn't know that was what I was writing about) in an easily digestible and entertaining way.
I have 3 splinter personalities, each with its own agenda which, in the final analysis is for them to be seen, heard, accepted and loved. They have been creating wild life experiences to that end, causing me, this sober adult in recovery for 18 years some serious suffering. Thank God for their persistence and my drive to be free from generations of lying, manipulating, soul destroying bullshit!
I am not as angry as I sound. Mostly, I am elated because "we" my three parts and this adult are figuring it out thanks to help from people like you, God and the universe at large.
My AA sponsor, Auntie Pat used to say, "The universe is conspiring to support you."
Here is the exciting news happening in the novel, and the reason for this comment. I am just realizing that each part represents a different survival tactic. The youngest, "freeze, compartmentalize and discard." The 5-8 year old, "fawn, deny, disassociate." The twelve-year-old, who found her relief and courage in alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, "fight followed by flight." All these unique and all too lovable parts play out their pain over and over even in sobriety. It is fascinating!
That is BRILLIANT, Rachel - a profound awareness, and I do see this often when working with FSA survivors with complex trauma in my practice. If for any reason you decide to use the actual (trademarked) term(s) I coined (Family Scapegoating Abuse / FSA - or Family Scapegoat Abuse) as the result of my years of research to further support your novel (such as a blurb in the front or back on FSA), just see my note on Permissions on my Scapegoat Recovery website; typically only a brief attribution is needed, and I'll be happy to grant you Permissions. Link to my website here - scroll to the bottom to see the full Permissions section: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Because it is a novel, I don’t use any clinical terms. Not even the word narcissist. I do on occasion use words like scapegoat, lost child, hero, etc. but that is because these are terms I have known about since the early 1990s when I was teaching mediation and peer counseling in a high school. Should the opportunity arise to point someone towards you. I will definitely do that and cite your credentials. I know this is a sore spot for you and you have nothing to worry about here.
Thank you for understanding - I used to not mention anything, trusting people to do the right thing and use attribution when using my terms and then lived to regret it!
I remember being a young girl, (one of the very few memories I have of my childhood), and sitting at the dinner table with my mother, her female partner (my father’s sister) and my 2 brothers while my mother didn’t speak to or look at me. She would tell the others at the table the same old familiar story, that I was bad, the family problem, how she was sick of me and I would not be tolerated any longer.
Then, she would call a vote; my family would go around the table and one at a time they would answer the question my mother would pose- is Amy allowed to be in this family any longer? Their answers came in the form of a thumbs up or a thumbs down. This happened often. As I sat silent, not permitted to speak, I’d watch as my brothers put their thumbs high up in front of them pointing down, then my Aunt, also with a thumbs down and finally my mother. The woman I loved and was trained to serve would place her hand up very clearly for me to see and point it down as well. I’m out. No longer a member of this family.
I was 12.
Then, I’d be sent to my room to figure out a place to go. That was also my responsibility. It wasn’t until I was 13 that I succeeded in finding a home that I could move in to. So, at 13 years of age, I moved out. But my mother couldn’t allow me to be gone. The push and pull I’d known in all my young years. ‘Come close so I can push you away’ was the name of the game.
So, she’d call the mother at the house I moved to every day and bullied her into making me do outrageous amounts of chores for hours each day. This went on for a few months with the chores just getting more and more time intensive and difficult until I could no longer take it and had to beg my mother to allow me to move back home.
Even while moved away from her, she manipulated and schemed and orchestrated a situation that would cause me pain, discomfort and distress just so she could watch me crawl back on my belly to her- The ‘winner’.
She loved it. There was no end to her attacks against me and they lasted until I was 45 years old when I finally figured out what was really happening in this abusive family and walked away from all of them (even my own adult children) for good.
If anyone doubts it when I say scapegoating is systemic abuse, then they need to read your comment, Amy. I am so very sorry this happened to you. Let's all work together to get this form of abuse recognized, supported by my research, so no child has to suffer as you have or forced to endure what you were forced to endure. I'm glad that you got out of there when you were 13, although I'm sure this was terribly difficult for you as well.
Thank you Rebecca. Though I got out at 13, I was forced to go back. Then I lived in massive confusion and pain until I was 45 and found the book ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough. Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ by Dr. Karyl McBride. It absolutely opened my eyes and launched me into this attempt to understand what happened to me. It started me on a road that lead to absolutely zero contact with any of my relatives, including my adult children. I’ve lost everyone I loved. Thank you for your kind words. I’d recommend that book to everyone. I’d rather lose them all (as devastating as it can be) than to live one more day in the skapegoat narrative abusive life I had been.
Not dramatic at all. Many of us have been there. “Road kill” was how I described how I felt after my last most traumatic FSA event (which came from an unexpected source, though looking back, I shouldn’t have been so surprised…)!
I’m very sorry you’ve been dealing with this abuse. Sending love and prayers your way. And, yes, deep inside, we know who’s got our backs and who’s stabbing them, don’t we?
HA! Excellent play on words. I'm announcing a new free Substack publication where I'll be sharing my personal journey of healing. If you miss the post, you can subscribe here: https://theinviolateself.substack.com/
This is so validating as those feelings you describe we hold on to are explained. The self-blame and self-doubt are so harmful. I thought I would no longer be the family scapegoat after my mother died, but one of my sisters and her niece have carried it on. It has broken my heart but I realise that this is their damage, not mine and although I have sympathy for them I am not to blame. It is pure projection and not taking responsibility for their own pain. It is so much easier for them to dump it elsewhere but the damage to me has been dangerous.
Thank you for this work, your clarity and solidarity.
You’re so welcome, Anya. In layperson’s terms, I think of the ‘radical acceptance’ you embody in your comment here regarding the painful and typically intractable reality of FSA within one’s family-of-origin can be summed up like this: “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” Yes, devastating when we discover the ‘scapegoat narrative’ does not end with a scapegoating parent’s death; like a toxic oil spill, it permeates the next generation, extended family, etc. My article on FSA and radical acceptance here, in case you missed it: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in
Thanks for this - another excellent and helpful article. You sum things up so well - ‘dehumanising’ really resonated and I appreciate the meaningless vs meaningful suffering points - the choice to move on and grow being empowering. It was also interesting to see the subject of forgiveness explored like that as forgiving doesn’t sit right with me. It’s another way of giving away our power or undermining ourselves yet it’s something else we can be made to feel wrong about! There’s a whole other article in there on that… ❤️
Yep! That would be a good livestream topic, I'll add it to my list. Not sure if you already read my introductory book to FSA - This is a secure international 'buy' link: https://books2read.com/intro2fsa
Thank God for you Rebecca, you so brilliantly explain FSA in a way I could never. What most of us have endured is truly the death of one’s soul. The damage and wreckage has affected every aspect of my life. I really don’t know how i survived it. I think God has a higher plan for me by keeping me alive all these yrs. I can tell you every person and I mean every, person I used to get high with is dead. I self medicated for over 13 yrs because i couldn’t deal with the horrible sorrow i felt inside. The abuse started so young for me that I had no idea what I was experiencing was abuse. All I knew is I was broken inside and in and out of rehabs and mental hospitals.
I can’t tell you since I read your book how far I have come. I have zero outside support and even my best childhood friends don’t want to hear about FSA. It’s always the same, it’s family, it’s your mother she’s done so many nice things for you. The lack of support and invalidation is so very painful. I’m starting to come out of the fog but out of nowhere I’m suddenly just so afraid or out of nowhere this horrible depression overwhelms me.
Hi Joanna, yes, that was true for me also. I was born into deep dysfunction and born unable to digest food and it went on from there, so the early conditioning ran deep. I do hope you subscribe to my new Substack, The Inviolate Self, if you haven’t already. I think you’ll relate to a lot of what I plan to share. And very grateful my book and FSA content and conceptualization / description / definition has been so helpful, I love hearing this!
Rebecca I was wondering if you could answer a question. I tried several times to talk about FSA to some people I felt close to. Actually I tried several times to convey what FSA has done to my life and why i don’t talk to my family. Here was the response, she said she understood and then shared a story about one Christmas her older sister really yelled at her son for taking an olive out of the salad before it was time to eat. I realized I failed again at trying to get some support. My question is why do you think FSA is so hard to get earthlings to understand. Why can’t they get it?
Oooh, this would be a wonderful question for me to post to our paid community in one of our Chats. It's also a good Livestream and Post topic I'd like to dig further into. Are you a paid subscriber? I can't remember, my apologies! Regardless, I have MUCH to say about this, some clinical, some general and personal.
I love this article Rebecca, the mental health community must step up to the plate when it comes to forms of trauma. It baffles me that so many mental health professionals know nothing about FSA. Yet the horrific damage done to us when being misdiagnosed by most of them. Before I read your book I was completely clueless that what I was experiencing was actually abuse. I was told I had bipolar disorder and put on a few medications. What they refuse to tell you is that these medications like antidepressants are almost impossible to come off of. The doctors didn’t believe us patients for yrs when we complained of horrible withdrawal symptoms. Now a decade later they finally acknowledge that the medications had over 17 horrible withdrawal symptoms such as brain zaps, heart skipping beats, hot and cold sweats to name a few.
But besides that, when I started to defend myself to my family who I’m sure was gaslighting me at the time I’d blame it on my bipolar disorder. All of us know what happens when we defend ourselves. Defending myself against emotional abuse I’d blame on myself. When I think back over it all, I just can’t believe it how sick this FSA actually is. I know it was definitely CPTSD for sure. My entire life was definitely a trauma response.
I'm so glad you found my FSA offerings, Joanna. Most clinicians won't know of FSA because I only publicly announced the name five years ago in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. The fact I now have peer-reviewed publications on FSA research (courtesy of my co-author Dr. Kartheek Balapala and his research team) is nothing short of a miracle. For 15 years I was slogging it alone. Substack will now be a critical hub where we can come together as FSA survivors and get that grass roots movement going and demand it be recognized as a legitimate - and incredibly insidious and damaging - form of abuse.
One more thing, when I comes to these websites giving you a hard time to post your videos, doesn’t it occur to them that thousands of people are viewing them. They also have zero thumbs down on any of them. Does that not hold any weight with them. When the see the desperate comments of the people who relate to your videos, doesn’t that not ring a bell of how important they are to ten of thousands of us out there.
No, it is all (ro)bot driven. I also suspect that one or more supposed scapegoat experts (who aren't really experts and pillage and distort my work) have followers who are 'reporting' every video I release so it will be de-monetized. I have good reason to think this, including via YouTube. They do re-monetize them after I appeal, but it is really out of hand and a waste of my time at this point. Their loss. BTW - is that your horse? It reminds me of my beloved equine soul-mate that I lost in 2020. Wish I could share a photo here but I can't. He was a gray, and a Mountain Pleasure Horse (gaited) - SMOOOOOOOOOOTH. I just thought something and he did it, he was the most amazing horse ever.
The gray in the picture was my heart horse and my biggest challenge. He lived to be 33 yrs old but i wasn’t prepared for the deep sorrow of losing him. But you know personally the bond between horse and human, it’s like no other.
Yes. I still light candles on the anniversary of his death - 5 years now. And on the day I got him, May 5. Lost my other horse 6 months before him, completely unexpected. Suddenly no horses - I have not fully adjusted yet, even after 5 years. I am sorry for your loss.
Rebecca, Reading your post today touched a part of me that rarely finds language outside my own writing. Not because it gave me words I didn’t have—but because it confirmed what I already knew to be true in my bones.
I’ve lived the slow erosion, the exile, the twisting of truth until I could no longer find my own reflection in the mirror held up to me. I didn’t name it Family Scapegoating Abuse for most of my life. I only knew what it felt like to be the problem, the fault line, the one everyone pointed to when their own ground shook.
You speak of soul homicide. That phrase doesn’t overstate—it clarifies. I lived through it. I’ve spent decades retrieving fragments of myself from the wreckage, not through clinical insight, but through the long, often lonely work of healing. I did not find my truth through frameworks or external guidance. I found it inside me—supported by those who stood by me without needing to rewrite my story to suit their comfort.
I am the canyon, and I am the wanderer in it—both. I live in a landscape carved by pain and persistence. And I still experience the scapegoating today—not as a distant past, but a present-tense reality. My lived experience is actively denied. Those I held, supported, carried—who swung in the hammock I kept steady for twenty years—now cry victim. They point their fingers and tell a story where I am to blame. All of it, laid at my feet. Once again.
It happens now at the intersection of family and former workplace—after 22 years of loyalty, care, and presence. Another form of family, now turned against me in the same pattern. The projection continues. The pain repeats. And yet—I no longer collapse under it.
I appreciate your clarity, your effort, and your voice. And I write this not for recognition, but as witness to my own truth. I am still here. Whole, even in pieces. Not broken. Just real.
Jay
Wow Jay, this is so beautiful.
Thank you June, I appreciate your words and am glad some parts resonated with you.
I would love to express myself as well as you do. Thank you so much for sharing.
"Whole, even in pieces. Not broken. Just real." Your comment is acutely insightful, poignant, and powerful, and it must stand on its own with no further comment from me. I will be restacking and encouraging my subscribers to read. Thank you, Jay. You are a gift to all who you touch on Substack. Grateful our paths crossed here, and looking forward to doing a video livestream collab in future!
Rebecca, thank you for this endorsement. I truly am grateful for and humbled by your words, as I am just sharing my personal story. And in doing so it seems, many people recognize themselves in pieces of me.
Yes, this article will help us ‘choose to live a life we want to live’ with joy.
I love that - I'm going to add that to the post!
Isn’t it ridiculous Rebecca that we need help to choose a joyous life! But the total confusion of this abuse makes one forget that life should not be about crashing from one fear to another . You are helping us to build solid foundations to thrive from. …..if this makes sense!
I remember the day I woke up to the shocking realization that my life had, for the most part, been one big trauma response. I'm exaggerating a bit, but...not really. (!)
I feel that 100%. Your work is vital to the CPTSD and FSA survivor community! Thank you! I am preparing my highlighters and notebook to dive into the study with my morning coffee. I can't wait! Thank you!
Sofia, that sounds great - you'll likely want to do the same thing with my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Some people have told me nearly the entire book was highlighted, they related to so much!
I have it on Kindle, and indeed it is all marked up!
Yes , that dawning realisation is a huge wake up call! I now have a strict regime of yoga, cooking and fab walks…….and the occasional glass of something! I raise that glass to your ‘thrival’ …..my word for a bit less of just surviving and a lot more thriving …
Absolutely 💯, this NEEDS TO BE MAINSTREAM AND IN THERAPY MODELS!!
Agreed - Let's make it happen. I've done the research. I gave it a name (Family Scapegoating Abuse / FSA). Grassroots movement now needed.
I can't explain the catharsis I experience in reading this article. Soul homicide: it's a perfect fit. The nature of this trauma can be isolating, I find personally this is very true. To see some specificities of this systemic abuse articulated in a way that resonates with me so deeply is a validation I wish I didn't need, but realize I do. It's an odd feeling to wake up to (snap out of dissociation from) what I've already known all along. This is one of the deepest pains I hope to encounter, and I'll be mitigating this for a lifetime. While I am prepared to do this work alone, according to the nature of my experience, it is a wonderful feeling to see someone speak these words in a way where as I repeat them in my own mind, I don't feel the need to defend myself: the echo of my voice against these words was strong enough to account for maladaptive self-doubt. I'm thankful to have finally woken up from such a spell in my 30s, and I'm lucky to have found this work in due time, along with this awakening. Life is...wild.
Very glad you found this post - and my FSA content- as well. If you are new to my writings and videos on the research-based phenomenon I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (DSA), you may want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role'.
Rebecca Mandeville!!! You are an absolute 💯 ANGEL AND YOUR WORK COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A BETTER TIME! THIS WORK IS CRUCIAL. I AM A DAUGHTER OF A MOTHER WHO CAUSED CHAOS BETWEEN ME, MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER AND IT IS A TRAGEDY!! MY MOM JUST PASSED AWAY ON MARCH 14/2025 AND I TELL YOU, MY MOM LEFT A MAJOR MESS TO CLEAN UP. WHAT A HORRIBLE LEGACY!! BUT, I JUST FOUND YOU, AND OMG, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. PLEASE 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 KEEP UP YOUR AMAZING WORK AND PLEASE MAKE ALL PROFESSIONALS AND VICTIMS WORLDWIDE BE AWARE OF THIS INSIDIOUS LIFE WRECKING ABUSE. I AM ON MY WAY TO HEALING NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU!! I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!!! WOW!!
Very glad you found your way here. And so sorry you are having to deal with a mess following your mother’s passing but that is a rather classic and common symptom of FSA, based on my original research. Be good to yourself while you walk through all of this - And be good to your nervous system as well. Also, check out my home page here to find a recent article with 10 self-care tips for FSA survivors that may be helpful at this time by visiting https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com.
Thank you from the bottom 🙏 ☺️ of my ❤️ 💙 💜 heart!! Love you!!!! ❤️
You’re very welcome!
Rebecca, I’ve devoured nearly everything you’ve written on this topic. This article, though, broke through and soothed me in a way that nothing else has— even though everything you’ve written has been helpful and supportive. The reassurance that we are not broken, but survivors, allowed me to exhale. Even after all these decades, and all of the energy I’ve put into saving myself, and all of the growth and change I’ve accomplished, I still feel like I can’t escape the long-term effects of this abuse. It’s as if it seared a brand on my soul and on my forehead, telling the world, and me, how terrible I am. Subconsciously, I keep attracting the same madness and people who treat me the same horrible way. Your work has helped me to start finding a way out. But again, this article in particular hit me in just the way I needed to feel like the healing could actually run deep, and be something more than a hopeful veneer. Thank you so much for your tireless efforts on this topic.
You're welcome, Adr. I am deeply grateful to hear that this article moved you even closer to the truth of who (and what) you actually are. May I restack your comment here for others to see in my notes?
Certainly, Rebecca. If it might you or another survivor, I’m all for sharing.
Thank you!
Thank you for your commitment to research. It is seen. As a Somatic Trauma Practitioner focusing on historical trauma, sexual assault and survivor recovery, and mixed-Indigenous woman/solo-mother myself, I know healing from FSA is a generations work - and more! Thank you for naming it, what non-liscensed practitioners or traditional healers have been knowing for centuries, that this type of historical violence is a sickness or disease of not just body and mind, but of spirit. I will share you work.
Thank you. You may have missed my recent post on scapegoating in human systems, linking you to it here. I look forward to our future collab! https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/scapegoating-in-human-systems
I am learning so much from you and am also watching your youtube videos.
As I polish the chapters of my novel, even more insights and patterns emerge and my awareness and understanding of what happened grows. I believe my book will be 100 times more effective at delivering the message of Family Scapegoating Abuse, (sure as hell didn't know that was what I was writing about) in an easily digestible and entertaining way.
I have 3 splinter personalities, each with its own agenda which, in the final analysis is for them to be seen, heard, accepted and loved. They have been creating wild life experiences to that end, causing me, this sober adult in recovery for 18 years some serious suffering. Thank God for their persistence and my drive to be free from generations of lying, manipulating, soul destroying bullshit!
I am not as angry as I sound. Mostly, I am elated because "we" my three parts and this adult are figuring it out thanks to help from people like you, God and the universe at large.
My AA sponsor, Auntie Pat used to say, "The universe is conspiring to support you."
Here is the exciting news happening in the novel, and the reason for this comment. I am just realizing that each part represents a different survival tactic. The youngest, "freeze, compartmentalize and discard." The 5-8 year old, "fawn, deny, disassociate." The twelve-year-old, who found her relief and courage in alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, "fight followed by flight." All these unique and all too lovable parts play out their pain over and over even in sobriety. It is fascinating!
How many times can I thank you? Much Love, Rachel
That is BRILLIANT, Rachel - a profound awareness, and I do see this often when working with FSA survivors with complex trauma in my practice. If for any reason you decide to use the actual (trademarked) term(s) I coined (Family Scapegoating Abuse / FSA - or Family Scapegoat Abuse) as the result of my years of research to further support your novel (such as a blurb in the front or back on FSA), just see my note on Permissions on my Scapegoat Recovery website; typically only a brief attribution is needed, and I'll be happy to grant you Permissions. Link to my website here - scroll to the bottom to see the full Permissions section: https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
Because it is a novel, I don’t use any clinical terms. Not even the word narcissist. I do on occasion use words like scapegoat, lost child, hero, etc. but that is because these are terms I have known about since the early 1990s when I was teaching mediation and peer counseling in a high school. Should the opportunity arise to point someone towards you. I will definitely do that and cite your credentials. I know this is a sore spot for you and you have nothing to worry about here.
Thank you for understanding - I used to not mention anything, trusting people to do the right thing and use attribution when using my terms and then lived to regret it!
Rebecca, each time I read your description of FSA, my body relaxes, my soul breathes, and I am simply free to be. Thank you.
Beautiful, CC, appreciate you letting me know.
I remember being a young girl, (one of the very few memories I have of my childhood), and sitting at the dinner table with my mother, her female partner (my father’s sister) and my 2 brothers while my mother didn’t speak to or look at me. She would tell the others at the table the same old familiar story, that I was bad, the family problem, how she was sick of me and I would not be tolerated any longer.
Then, she would call a vote; my family would go around the table and one at a time they would answer the question my mother would pose- is Amy allowed to be in this family any longer? Their answers came in the form of a thumbs up or a thumbs down. This happened often. As I sat silent, not permitted to speak, I’d watch as my brothers put their thumbs high up in front of them pointing down, then my Aunt, also with a thumbs down and finally my mother. The woman I loved and was trained to serve would place her hand up very clearly for me to see and point it down as well. I’m out. No longer a member of this family.
I was 12.
Then, I’d be sent to my room to figure out a place to go. That was also my responsibility. It wasn’t until I was 13 that I succeeded in finding a home that I could move in to. So, at 13 years of age, I moved out. But my mother couldn’t allow me to be gone. The push and pull I’d known in all my young years. ‘Come close so I can push you away’ was the name of the game.
So, she’d call the mother at the house I moved to every day and bullied her into making me do outrageous amounts of chores for hours each day. This went on for a few months with the chores just getting more and more time intensive and difficult until I could no longer take it and had to beg my mother to allow me to move back home.
Even while moved away from her, she manipulated and schemed and orchestrated a situation that would cause me pain, discomfort and distress just so she could watch me crawl back on my belly to her- The ‘winner’.
She loved it. There was no end to her attacks against me and they lasted until I was 45 years old when I finally figured out what was really happening in this abusive family and walked away from all of them (even my own adult children) for good.
Amy! If I could time travel I would go back to that dinner table and swoop you right up❤. Thank you for sharing this story.
Thank you for your sweet words. That’s very kind of you to reply.
If anyone doubts it when I say scapegoating is systemic abuse, then they need to read your comment, Amy. I am so very sorry this happened to you. Let's all work together to get this form of abuse recognized, supported by my research, so no child has to suffer as you have or forced to endure what you were forced to endure. I'm glad that you got out of there when you were 13, although I'm sure this was terribly difficult for you as well.
Thank you Rebecca. Though I got out at 13, I was forced to go back. Then I lived in massive confusion and pain until I was 45 and found the book ‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough. Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ by Dr. Karyl McBride. It absolutely opened my eyes and launched me into this attempt to understand what happened to me. It started me on a road that lead to absolutely zero contact with any of my relatives, including my adult children. I’ve lost everyone I loved. Thank you for your kind words. I’d recommend that book to everyone. I’d rather lose them all (as devastating as it can be) than to live one more day in the skapegoat narrative abusive life I had been.
It is that, or lose our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health, in regard to FSA when it is chronic, pervasive, and severe.
You couldn’t be more right. It was either go ‘no contact’ or end my life (as dramatic as it may sound.)
Not dramatic at all. Many of us have been there. “Road kill” was how I described how I felt after my last most traumatic FSA event (which came from an unexpected source, though looking back, I shouldn’t have been so surprised…)!
I’m very sorry you’ve been dealing with this abuse. Sending love and prayers your way. And, yes, deep inside, we know who’s got our backs and who’s stabbing them, don’t we?
HA! Excellent play on words. I'm announcing a new free Substack publication where I'll be sharing my personal journey of healing. If you miss the post, you can subscribe here: https://theinviolateself.substack.com/
This is so validating as those feelings you describe we hold on to are explained. The self-blame and self-doubt are so harmful. I thought I would no longer be the family scapegoat after my mother died, but one of my sisters and her niece have carried it on. It has broken my heart but I realise that this is their damage, not mine and although I have sympathy for them I am not to blame. It is pure projection and not taking responsibility for their own pain. It is so much easier for them to dump it elsewhere but the damage to me has been dangerous.
Thank you for this work, your clarity and solidarity.
You’re so welcome, Anya. In layperson’s terms, I think of the ‘radical acceptance’ you embody in your comment here regarding the painful and typically intractable reality of FSA within one’s family-of-origin can be summed up like this: “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” Yes, devastating when we discover the ‘scapegoat narrative’ does not end with a scapegoating parent’s death; like a toxic oil spill, it permeates the next generation, extended family, etc. My article on FSA and radical acceptance here, in case you missed it: https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/radical-acceptance-and-its-role-in
Thanks for this - another excellent and helpful article. You sum things up so well - ‘dehumanising’ really resonated and I appreciate the meaningless vs meaningful suffering points - the choice to move on and grow being empowering. It was also interesting to see the subject of forgiveness explored like that as forgiving doesn’t sit right with me. It’s another way of giving away our power or undermining ourselves yet it’s something else we can be made to feel wrong about! There’s a whole other article in there on that… ❤️
Yep! That would be a good livestream topic, I'll add it to my list. Not sure if you already read my introductory book to FSA - This is a secure international 'buy' link: https://books2read.com/intro2fsa
Thank you 🙏
Thank God for you Rebecca, you so brilliantly explain FSA in a way I could never. What most of us have endured is truly the death of one’s soul. The damage and wreckage has affected every aspect of my life. I really don’t know how i survived it. I think God has a higher plan for me by keeping me alive all these yrs. I can tell you every person and I mean every, person I used to get high with is dead. I self medicated for over 13 yrs because i couldn’t deal with the horrible sorrow i felt inside. The abuse started so young for me that I had no idea what I was experiencing was abuse. All I knew is I was broken inside and in and out of rehabs and mental hospitals.
I can’t tell you since I read your book how far I have come. I have zero outside support and even my best childhood friends don’t want to hear about FSA. It’s always the same, it’s family, it’s your mother she’s done so many nice things for you. The lack of support and invalidation is so very painful. I’m starting to come out of the fog but out of nowhere I’m suddenly just so afraid or out of nowhere this horrible depression overwhelms me.
Hi Joanna, yes, that was true for me also. I was born into deep dysfunction and born unable to digest food and it went on from there, so the early conditioning ran deep. I do hope you subscribe to my new Substack, The Inviolate Self, if you haven’t already. I think you’ll relate to a lot of what I plan to share. And very grateful my book and FSA content and conceptualization / description / definition has been so helpful, I love hearing this!
Rebecca I was wondering if you could answer a question. I tried several times to talk about FSA to some people I felt close to. Actually I tried several times to convey what FSA has done to my life and why i don’t talk to my family. Here was the response, she said she understood and then shared a story about one Christmas her older sister really yelled at her son for taking an olive out of the salad before it was time to eat. I realized I failed again at trying to get some support. My question is why do you think FSA is so hard to get earthlings to understand. Why can’t they get it?
Oooh, this would be a wonderful question for me to post to our paid community in one of our Chats. It's also a good Livestream and Post topic I'd like to dig further into. Are you a paid subscriber? I can't remember, my apologies! Regardless, I have MUCH to say about this, some clinical, some general and personal.
Yes I am
Great, I'm putting it down on my livestream topic list.
I love this article Rebecca, the mental health community must step up to the plate when it comes to forms of trauma. It baffles me that so many mental health professionals know nothing about FSA. Yet the horrific damage done to us when being misdiagnosed by most of them. Before I read your book I was completely clueless that what I was experiencing was actually abuse. I was told I had bipolar disorder and put on a few medications. What they refuse to tell you is that these medications like antidepressants are almost impossible to come off of. The doctors didn’t believe us patients for yrs when we complained of horrible withdrawal symptoms. Now a decade later they finally acknowledge that the medications had over 17 horrible withdrawal symptoms such as brain zaps, heart skipping beats, hot and cold sweats to name a few.
But besides that, when I started to defend myself to my family who I’m sure was gaslighting me at the time I’d blame it on my bipolar disorder. All of us know what happens when we defend ourselves. Defending myself against emotional abuse I’d blame on myself. When I think back over it all, I just can’t believe it how sick this FSA actually is. I know it was definitely CPTSD for sure. My entire life was definitely a trauma response.
I'm so glad you found my FSA offerings, Joanna. Most clinicians won't know of FSA because I only publicly announced the name five years ago in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. The fact I now have peer-reviewed publications on FSA research (courtesy of my co-author Dr. Kartheek Balapala and his research team) is nothing short of a miracle. For 15 years I was slogging it alone. Substack will now be a critical hub where we can come together as FSA survivors and get that grass roots movement going and demand it be recognized as a legitimate - and incredibly insidious and damaging - form of abuse.
One more thing, when I comes to these websites giving you a hard time to post your videos, doesn’t it occur to them that thousands of people are viewing them. They also have zero thumbs down on any of them. Does that not hold any weight with them. When the see the desperate comments of the people who relate to your videos, doesn’t that not ring a bell of how important they are to ten of thousands of us out there.
No, it is all (ro)bot driven. I also suspect that one or more supposed scapegoat experts (who aren't really experts and pillage and distort my work) have followers who are 'reporting' every video I release so it will be de-monetized. I have good reason to think this, including via YouTube. They do re-monetize them after I appeal, but it is really out of hand and a waste of my time at this point. Their loss. BTW - is that your horse? It reminds me of my beloved equine soul-mate that I lost in 2020. Wish I could share a photo here but I can't. He was a gray, and a Mountain Pleasure Horse (gaited) - SMOOOOOOOOOOTH. I just thought something and he did it, he was the most amazing horse ever.
The gray in the picture was my heart horse and my biggest challenge. He lived to be 33 yrs old but i wasn’t prepared for the deep sorrow of losing him. But you know personally the bond between horse and human, it’s like no other.
Yes. I still light candles on the anniversary of his death - 5 years now. And on the day I got him, May 5. Lost my other horse 6 months before him, completely unexpected. Suddenly no horses - I have not fully adjusted yet, even after 5 years. I am sorry for your loss.