(Public Post): Navigating the Holidays: A Guide for Family Abuse Survivors
Strategies for embracing - not enduring - the holidays, regardless of your level of contact with family
In this week’s article, I’ll be exploring practical approaches for managing the holidays as a family abuse survivor. I’ll discuss how to set healthy boundaries, find supportive communities, and create new traditions that honor your healing journey. Additionally, I’ll address the unique challenges faced by those in contact with their families, offering insights on how to cope with potentially triggering situations. For those who have distanced themselves from family, I will highlight the importance of self-care and the pursuit of meaningful connections during this time. Ultimately, my goal is to empower you to reclaim your holiday experience, fostering a sense of peace and resilience that protects you from any potential holiday chaos.
Paid Subscribers, scroll down to the bottom of the article to access our private Chat thread about navigating the holidays as an FSA survivor.
Holiday Gatherings, Trauma, and “Triggering”
The holiday season, which is typically portrayed in the media as a time of joy and togetherness, can be particularly challenging for adult survivors of family abuse. For those who experience dysfunction and/or abuse within their family - including ‘invisible’ abuse such as Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) - and choose to remain in contact, the holidays can evoke a complex mix of emotions and thoughts, from anxiety and dread to sadness and anger.
Alternatively, you may have chosen to go ‘no contact’ with one or more family members, or are trying to navigate the challenges encountered when attempting to have ‘light contact’ with those who have maltreated you or behaved abusively toward you in the past. Regardless of your ‘contact’ status, navigating the holidays is rarely easy for survivors of family abuse.
Family abuse can take many forms, including physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. Survivors may carry the scars of these experiences throughout their lives, which can manifest as trauma responses when they encounter reminders of the abuse. Family gatherings - particularly those held at one’s childhood home - can therefore be highly ‘triggering’ events.
"Triggering" in the context of complex trauma and family abuse refers to a psychological or emotional response that occurs when a person is exposed to a stimulus (such as a word, smell, sound, or situation) that reminds them of past traumatic experiences. This can lead to the family abuse survivor experiencing a range of reactions, including anxiety, panic, anger, sadness, or dissociation. Needless to say, family gatherings - particularly those that take place in one’s childhood home - can be full of potential triggers.
When an individual encounters a trigger, the body may perceive it as a threat, regardless of whether the threat is immediate or not. This leads to the activation of the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). For example, a sound reminiscent of past abuse might evoke a fear response, causing the heart to race and muscles to tense.
It can be especially stressful to participate in a family get-together when you have clear memories of being scapegoated or otherwise mistreated or abused by one or more family members. Even if these events occurred years or even decades ago, these painful memories serve as reminders of what you fear may reoccur if you attend a family event. You may also yearn for a ‘repair’ experience whereby family members acknowledge how they have harmed you and apologize for maltreating you (I call this the ‘validation and repair fantasy’), and you hope a “repair experience” may happen if you attend the holiday family event.
Such scenarios can be especially problematic for adult survivors suffering from complex trauma (C-PTSD) due to chronic childhood family dysfunction and abuse, including those impacted by FSA. Feeling triggered or emotionally activated is nothing to be taken lightly. If you suffer from C-PTSD due to abuse you’ve experienced in your family, being around your family-of-origin may result in your feeling like you are re-experiencing the original trauma, exacerbating your discomfort and distress.
Strategies for Navigating Holiday Gatherings
You may have your own reasons for staying in touch with family who have scapegoated you in the past, e.g., the abusive dynamics may no longer be occurring or you have positive relationships with some family member(s) who will be in attendance. You also may have developed techniques to help you manage complex trauma symptoms when your nervous system feels overly activated.
As families reunite for special events and holidays, it's critical to remember that your family dynamics likely have not changed, nor the way specific family members behave or the manner in which they treat you. The one thing you do have control over is your own choices, behaviors, and responses.
Below are some strategies to help you navigate the holidays, whether you remain in contact with family or not:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Whether you are attending family gatherings or communicating with family members your preferences regarding attendance, consider these strategies:
- Define Your Limits: Identify what you are comfortable with, whether it’s the length of time spent with family, topics of conversation, or participation in specific traditions. For example, many of my FSA recovery clients choose to stay in a hotel and limit the time they spend at the ‘family home’ - This may upset your family initially, but based on my years of experience, most families do eventually accept this in return for having you at their event, even for a short while. If they can’t accept it, then you may choose not to attend at all.
- Communicate Clearly: If you plan to spend time with family during the holidays, inform your family members of your boundaries ahead of time, if possible (as exampled above). You can reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings by making your intentions clear from the beginning. You might also want to try out the role-playing suggestion, as described below. Or perhaps you have children / adult children who have relationships with family members who have a history of mistreating or abusing you (such as their grandparents, aunts, or uncles). Explaining to your children (in an age-appropriate manner) why you choose not to attend a family function clearly and compassionately sets the stage for authentic communication going forward.
- Practice Saying “No”: It’s okay to decline invitations or withdraw from situations that feel harmful. Remember, prioritizing your mental health is a valid reason. Ask a trusted friend, spouse, or partner to role play with you. Have them say the things that for you are a “worst case scenario” and continue role-playing until you can say “no” with firmness and conviction. It may be necessary to end with “My decision is final” if your family is very disappointed or has a history of ignoring your preferences, wants, and needs. It is also okay to acknowledge that your limits may cause them to feel disappointed, but you will not be changing your mind.
If you are no longer in contact with your family, celebrate this boundary you have established to protect yourself from further abuse as you continue to act on your own behalf to support your recovery efforts and your overall well being and psycho-emotional health.
Wondering how to respond to people when they ask why you’re not seeing family for the holidays? Read my article How Family Abuse Survivors Can Respond When Asked Why They're Not Visiting Family for the Holidays
2. Develop a Self-Care Plan
Self-care is essential for maintaining your mental and emotional health and avoiding over-activating your nervous system, especially during stressful times. If you suffer from complex trauma symptoms, being mindful of your Window of Tolerance is critical to avoid becoming hyper or hypo-aroused (learn more about the Window of Tolerance via the link at the bottom of this section). Here are some self-care strategies to consider:
- Create a Safe Space: Designate a physical space at home where you can retreat to recharge. Decorate it with items that bring you comfort, like photos, candles, or books. Play music that is designed to induce a state of relaxation. I like to play Pandora’s ‘Spa Radio’ station and I find lavender-scented anything (candles, essential oil, etc) to be highly relaxing as well. If you are planning on seeing family, you might wear a comforting shawl or a piece of jewelry that reminds you to practice self-care, or add my FSA Recovery Affirmations playlist on YouTube to your phone and read these affirmations to yourself silently if you begin to feel stressed while traveling or seeing family.
- Engage in Trauma-Informed Mindfulness Practices: Incorporate mindfulness exercises such as trauma-informed meditation (available for free on YouTube, just search on the term), EFT-Tapping, deep breathing, or yoga into your routine to help ground yourself during overwhelming moments.
- Prioritize Rest: Ensure you are getting enough sleep and taking breaks when needed. Allow yourself time to unwind and recuperate. If you’re at a family gathering and feeling hyper or hypo-aroused, consider lying down in a quiet room or leaving the event early to better take care of yourself and your nervous system.
Learn more about the Window of Tolerance and how to regulate your arousal states
3. Find Supportive Communities
Connecting with others who understand your painful or challenging family experiences can be incredibly validating. Consider these options:
- Join Support Groups: Look for local or online support groups specifically for survivors of family scapegoating or emotional abuse. Sharing your experiences with others can help you feel less alone. Joining my Substack’s paid subscriber community here on FSA Education is one such option.
- Reach Out to Trusted Others: Identify friends or chosen family members who you can trust to be supportive, validating, and empathetic. Spend time with them during the holidays to foster connection and joy. A beloved animal companion can be a source of comfort, joy, and delight as well.
- Engage in Online Communities: There are numerous online forums and social media groups dedicated to discussing family dynamics and healing. Participating in these spaces can provide comfort and insights as well. Here on my Substack, paid subscribers can engage with other FSA adult subscribers in a variety of ways. For more information, check out my Site Directory, which lists our current paid subscriber features.
Note: If you can’t access links to my Substack from the mobile app, visit my site from a browser at https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com - the site directory is in the navigation menu at the top (I’ve already asked the Substack engineers to look into this issue).
4. Create New Traditions
If family gatherings feel overwhelming or triggering and/or you are no longer in contact with family due to abusive dynamics, consider creating new holiday traditions that align with your values and needs:
- Celebrate in Your Own Way: Plan your own holiday celebrations that focus on food and activities you enjoy, whether that’s a cozy movie night, a day of self-care and relaxation, or a gathering with your chosen (or ‘found’) family and/or friends for a formal dinner or casual potluck.
- Volunteer or Give Back: Engaging in acts of kindness can be a meaningful way to connect with your community and shift your focus away from family dynamics. If you’re not sure where you can offer your volunteer services you might check with your town’s Chamber of Commerce. They also may have a holiday events listing on their website with offerings you might like to attend.
- Honor Your Healing Journey: Incorporate activities that reflect your personal growth to further enjoy the sense of peace that creating your own holiday traditions or rituals can bring. For example, you might initiate a creative or artistic endeavor of some kind like painting, expressive dance, playing (and singing along) to your favorite music, or trying out a ‘Savoring’ Glimmer practice, as described by
.5. Acknowledge Your Emotions
It’s normal to experience a range of emotions during the holidays, especially for those with a history of scapegoating or other types of family dysfunction or abuse. Here are ways to acknowledge and process these feelings:
- Validate Your Emotions: Recognize that your feelings are legitimate. For example, many FSA survivors who have ended contact with abusive family members experience grief around missing nieces and nephews they are no longer able to see. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or joy, allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. (Note: My original FSA research revealed that most FSA adult survivor experiences traumatic invalidation regarding expressing their authentic thoughts and feelings. Learn more about traumatic invalidation by watching my YouTube video here.)
- Journal: Writing about your feelings can be therapeutic. It provides a space to reflect on your experiences and helps to clarify your thoughts. I’ve created this list of journal prompts to help you get started if journaling is new to you or something you struggle with.
6. Find a Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist Trained in Family Systems
If the emotional burden becomes too overwhelming, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in trauma or family dynamics for guidance and support.
Many therapists and coaches are working online now, and some offer low-fee slots to those who are in financial need. Psychology Today's website allows you to use filters to find therapists in your area who address your specific issues and you can filter for online service providers as well if you live in the United States.
Click on the filter 'Types of Therapy', then 'Show More Types of Therapy' and then 'Family Systems' to find a therapist who will be familiar with family roles such as 'identified patient' and 'family scapegoat'. A therapist with in-depth training in Internal Family Systems (IFS) may also be helpful as they are trained in doing 'parts' work, which benefits most adult survivors of FSA. Mental Health telehealth platforms also offer financial aid if you reach out to their support team.
You also can ask to be matched with a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist (LMFT), as these psychotherapists are required to receive a great amount of training in Family Systems as part of their Masters programs.
If you live outside of the United States, see if you can find an IFS therapist who is trauma-informed and understands family scapegoating or is willing to read my introductory book on FSA, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. You can also try searching for a trauma treatment professional using the ‘search’ feature on Dr. Janina Fisher’s international website.
Conclusion
The holiday season can be a time of increased stress for adult survivors of Family Abuse (including FSA), but it is possible to navigate this period with intention and care. By setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, finding supportive communities, creating new traditions, acknowledging your emotions, and possibly seeking professional assistance, you can reclaim your holiday experience and foster a sense of peace and resilience.
Remember, you are not alone in your journey; many individuals share similar experiences, and there is support available to help you thrive during this challenging time. As you navigate the holidays, prioritize your well-being and take the necessary steps to create a season that feels safe and affirming for you.
If you’d like more information about navigating the holidays as an FSA adult survivor, read my article Ten Strategies for Navigating Holiday Gatherings
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How do you plan to navigate the holidays? We’d love to hear from you in our private Holiday Support Chat thread! (Paid Subscriber Feature). This chat thread is also accessible via my navigation menu on the home page of my Substack and I’ll be keeping it up through January 5, 2025.
*If the below chat button doesn’t work on the mobile app, try clicking here or click on your profile photo in the mobile app, find and click on the FSA Education Substack, and then click on ‘Chat’ near the bottom of the screen, then scroll UP to find the Holiday Chat thread (Substack engineers are aware of this issue and are working on a fix.) You can also go to your phone’s browser and enter https://familyscapegoathealing.substack.com and click on ‘Chat’ at the top of screen.
oops...I meant content!
Thank you for all your comment Rebecca!! I am loving the information and chat community! Jennifer